As the night wore on the hootchies and I made our way through the club. We alternated between upstairs and downstairs. We parted and joined up again to share stories about who saw who and whatnot. We were having the time of our lives. Lisa met up with a gorgeous guy, Sarah, Crissy, Sammie and a couple of the others ran into John and had a picture taken with him, and Jill talked to Pollyanna.
I managed to avoid the rest of the Dorough family. I didn't mean to avoid them. All right so I did mean too. I wasn't ready to face them. Momma, though unintentionally, had made me feel as if I was the only villain having turned my back on not only Howie but the rest of the family as well. I would have loved to talk to Polly or Angie, hug John or Poppa, but I wasn't ready. I needed to get through the rest of the fundraiser, this silent reminder of the death of my best friend, before I worried about facing the people I had loved and hurt the most.
The acts were good, some better than others. Some I recognized and others were strangers to me. We danced and laughed and even got caught up in the excitement of the bidding war going on for a date with the man the world knew as Sweet D.
The bidding was up to over $2,000 when A.J. suddenly showed up on the balcony above the stage. He upped the bid to 5,000 then claimed to have made a mistake and said $10,000. The bidding after that was crazy. What kept me from bidding I'll never know. All I know is that two of the women in the crowd were determined to spend and evening with the man I was once going to marry. Before anyone had any idea what was happening an agreement was made that if both women would bid $15,500 each they could each have a date. My How was auctioned off for two dates for the price of $31,000. He looked shocked and amazed but pleased as well. Every cent would go to the Dorough Lupus Foundation in memory of our sweet Caroline.
Then before I was ready Pollyanna took the stage. She was amazing, her voice was that of an angel and she had everyone there, young and old, up and dancing. She was a hit and I had never been so proud in my life.
When she called Howie out on stage with her to sing a song she had written for Caroline I wanted to run. In fact, I tried to but Kale caught my arm and forced me to stay, to hear their voices mingle in a song that should never have had a reason to be written. To this day, I have never heard another song that broke my heart or made me cry nearly as much as "Fly To Heaven" did and still does. When I looked up at Momma and Poppa D upstairs Kale had to catch me to keep me from falling. I died inside watching Momma cry and reach her hands up as if reaching for our Caroline in heaven. I forced my tear filled eyes away from them to try and focus on Pollyanna and Howie on stage. Arms around each other, they were lost to the music and memories of a woman none of us would ever forget.
The applause as the song ended were thunderous. I know even Cari heard them in heaven and smiled down at the wonder that was her sister and brother. I watched Polly walk off stage and listened to Howie talk about changing a song I knew so well so that it was for Caroline. "My Heart Stays With You" would never sound the same to me again.
"Girl, I miss you and it's only been two years since you went away," and so the song continued as the tears ran river down my face.
Two years. In the span of a lifetime it wasn't much but if it meant the end of a lifetime it was time never ending. There would always be moments when the pain felt as fresh as the first moment it was felt. Moments like hearing Howie sing to Caroline.
As Howie called all the acts back on stage for the grand finale the mood lightened. At least for everyone but me. Their rendition of "Brickhouse" had the crowd up and dancing again. Maybe even more so when A.J. came out on stage as his alter ego Johnny No Name.
As the song ended everyone on stage bowed, said thank you, and made his or her way off.
Then it happened. As the crowd thinned out I stood my ground and that's when he saw me. With my blue eyes locked with his brown ones in a room of strangers and family we recognized each other's souls. He raised his mic and said a single word in the half empty club. "Kylie?"
I froze. Then I panicked and ran for the door.
"K.C.? K.C. James?"
I spun at the sound of my name and came face to face with Pollyanna.
"Oh my God, it is you," she said, reaching out and pulling me towards her for a hug.
"Polly, you look beautiful and you sounded wonderful on stage. Incredible," I said, looking at her. I was lost in emotion standing there with her. It was coming all at once and so fast I couldn't catch my breath..
"You've been here for the whole show? Why didn't you look for me?"
"Do you know how hard it is to get next to Pollyanna Dorough?" I smiled at her. "You really were wonderful. I'm so proud of you." I choked back my tears to smile at her. "I saw Momma and she said you were heading to the Latin Quarter. I came with some friends. Mind if I drag them along?"
"Of course not."
I briefly filled her in on who the Howie Hootchies were as we made our way towards them. The fact that her baby brother had such a sexual following cracked her up.
"My dorky my little brother has a group of women lusting after him so much they call themselves hootchies?" she laughed.
"Hey, that dork is the sexiest man in the world if you asked some of them," I answered, smiling.
"What if I asked you?" she questioned, suddenly serious.
"I'll answer you, Polly, but then for tonight no more. Howie is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I'm still as in love as I was two years ago. Now no more. Tonight is for Cari, deal?"
"I haven't heard anyone call her that in so long. Deal," she agreed.
"Good. Now I'm going to introduce you to the hootchies. You'll love them," I promised spotting Sammie and Kale as they obviously searched for me.
"K.C., if you keep disappearing on me like that I'm going to leave you here," Kale warned.
"Kale, this is Pollyanna. Polly, this is my best friend and fellow hootchie Kale along with Sammie, Crissy, Sarah, Jill, Lisa, Melissa," and so I continued till I had introduced all the hootchies to Polly.
Pollyanna smiled at all the girls and shook her head. "All these beautiful women want Howie?"
"Well some of us are hootchies for the other Boys," Crissy added, grinning.
"And some are hootchies for other Doroughs," I teased Sarah, watching her smile.
"Oh no! Not John too. Do you women know what you are doing to my world? Their heads are going to be huge," Polly laughed.
"Which heads?" Mel asked causing all of us to double over in raunchy laughter. Even Polly who first turned a bright red at such thoughts of her brothers.
"Come on girls. The Latin Quarter awaits the hootchies," Kale said.
"Why the Latin Quarter?" Jill asked.
"Momma and Polly have insisted we join the Doroughs there," I answered.
"And you should never turn down an invitation from a Dorough," Polly added, smiling.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go," Crissy said.
Half an hour later we were tearing up the dance floor the Latin Quarter.. I had caught Momma's eyes and waved and was dancing with Pollyanna when she grinned just before someone spun me around.
"You look like you need a real man to dance with," the gorgeous man in front of me said.
"John," I cried, throwing my arms around his neck.
"Oh now this is heaven. Don't let go. Not ever," he begged, laughing.
"You are as damn sexy as you were the last time I saw you," I said, pulling back slightly but not letting go.
"And you will always be the most beautiful vision. Oh I have missed you, K.C.," he said, hugging me again.
"Me too, handsome."
"Dance with me?" he asked.
"I've got a better idea. Sarah, come here," I said, reaching out for my friend. "Sarah, John. John, Sarah. You met over at The Groove. Have fun and save me a dance," I said, smiling and moving away.
They exchanged a few words then fell into step dancing to the music. They looked wonderful together.
"You always were good at that."
"Hello, Elizabeth," I answered, the beautiful young girl in front of me..
"Hi, Aunt K.C.," she greeted.
Elizabeth Cochran, Caroline's daughter, smiled at me just as she had her entire life.
Aunt K.C. was what Elizabeth had called me since she was old enough to talk. Before it had always made sense. I was going to be her aunt after all. Now, well now it still seemed to fit. She was Caroline's daughter and she was and always would be my niece, my little Elizabeth who had grown up so much in the last two years.
"Howie's looking for you," she finally spoke again.
"I had a feeling he would be. I ran from him earlier," I admitted.
"Seems to be a pattern you two are developing. Why?" she asked, bluntly.
It was something I had always loved about her. She never hesitated, never danced around a subject. She had questions and expected answers. Caroline would have been proud of her. As proud as I was of her.
"Fear, sweetheart. It makes you do a lot of stupid things," I answered, smiling at her with the sad knowledge that I should have been there for her after her mother's death. Instead I felt only my grief and pain and ran away from her and everyone else.
"He's upstairs if you want to stop being a chicken and go see him," she said, watching me with steady eyes as if trying to read me the way her mother had once been able to.
"I can take a hint. You look beautiful, Elizabeth. I've missed you," I confessed, reaching my hand out to smooth back a strand of her hair.
"I missed you too, but I have a feeling if you go talk to Howie we'll have a lot of time to catch up. He's going crazy, Aunt K.C. He thinks he imagined you."
"Sometimes I think the same thing. All right, I'll go see him now. I'll see you later right?"
"Promise," she answered, smiling.
I hugged her quickly then turned to make my way towards the stairs. No more hiding, no more running, no more wondering who was right and who was wrong. It was time to face whatever it was we had left behind two years ago.
Finally I made it through the sea of people to see the stairs. Just a few feet from the first step and suddenly I was stopped by yet another voice.
"What are you doing here?"
I turned to smile at yet another Dorough. "Angie, you look wonderful."
She didn't smile in return though. In fact, she looked anything but happy to see me.
"What the hell are you doing here, K.C.?" she demanded.
"I came for Caroline, for all of you. I came for Howie," I added, softly, watching her face. She was angry, angry at me.
"Well we don't want you here. Go back to wherever the hell you've come from," she ordered.
"Angie, why are you acting like this?" I didn't understand. She acted like she hated me.
"How do you expect me to act towards you after what you did to my family? Do you have any idea what you did to Howie, to Elizabeth, to Polly or John, or me? Do you even give a damn?" she yelled.
"Angie, I didn't have a choice," I tried to explain.
"Bullshit, K.C. Do you know how long it took to get Elizabeth to sleep when she cried not just for her mother but for you? Do you know what if was like to hear Pollyanna sob late at night because her sister and her best friend were gone. We were heartbroken because of losing Caroline but you ran out on us. You had the choice and you left a family who needed you."
"Howie left me," I screamed back. "I needed him and he left. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't know how, I wasn't strong enough."
"Go home, K.C. Get the hell out of our lives and don't come back. We don't want you or need you," Angie said, glaring at me.
"Angie!"
I looked up to see Howie standing above me on the stairs looking down at his sister and I.
"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded of her.
"Howie, don't," I pleaded.
"What are you doing?" he repeated, his eyes never leaving Angie.
"I wanted to protect you, Howie. I want to protect all of us. She hurt you so much," Angie explained.
"I don't need you to protect me, Angie. Not from Kylie or anyone else. What were you thinking?"
"Stop it," I screamed. Both heads turn to look at me as if suddenly realizing I was there again. "Stop it! This isn't what I wanted. I didn't mean to cause trouble. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy to think I could just come back like this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Angie. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else."
"Kylie," Howie began but I cut him off.
"I'm sorry, Howie. I can't do this. Not tonight anyway. I'm sorry," I repeated, turning to flee.
I had to get away, away from Howie, from Angie, from all the Doroughs. The memories, the pain, none of it would ease even for a moment. It all weighed so much on my chest that I couldn't breathe.
Not even as I stood outside taking deep breathes of the warm night air. I was crazy to think it wouldn't hurt so much, to think it would be easy. I had walked into a mine field of emotions unprepared and they were killing as they exploded left and right.
And Angie! She hated me so much. Of all the things I might have expected in returning I never once considered Angie would hate me. It was such a shock after Momma, Polly, John, and Elizabeth. The open arms had suddenly turned into slamming doors.
"If I put my arms around you to hold you for just a minute will you promise not to run?"
I looked up at Howie and all I could do was nod as I choked back my tears.
Listening to the sounds of the Latin music drifting from the club, I stood in the circle of Howie's arms, holding on to him, praying that he wasn't the dream or nightmare that had haunted me for the last two years.
"Please don't leave me again, Kylie. Please," he begged, pulling me closer.
He made it sound as if he couldn't live without me, as if he couldn't bear not to hold me. He said the words that my heart begged to hear but I couldn't get my lips to form.
"I didn't leave you last time," were the words that finally slipped past my lips.
He eased back and looked down at me with those beautiful brown eyes filled with confusion.
"Yes you did. You left and moved to New York," he corrected.
"You left first, Howie. Remember the tour, South America, Cari's funeral. You left me," I said, pulling away from him.
"I had too. They were depending on me. I couldn't let all those people down," he argued.
"What about me, Howie? What about letting me down, what about me depending on you?" I screamed. I stepped back and tried to control the emotions that attacked my heart.
"You could have come, you could have told me you wanted to be with me, Kylie," he screamed back.
"I shouldn't have needed to. My God, your sister had just died. How could you walk away from all of us like that? Me, Polly, Momma, Elizabeth, we needed you to be here, to be with us. You chose the Backstreet Boys over us, over me."
My eyes burned and I blinked back the tears. I couldn't cry, not then, not there. Later, alone I would let them fall, but not with Howie standing in front of me.
"I did what I had to do. I had a contract, obligations," he defended.
"You had a family it pain, you had me dying without Caroline. You had a choice between people who needed you and people who wanted you and you chose the ones who wanted you. You let down the woman who saw Howie for a world that saw Sweet D. Maybe Angie was right though. Maybe I hurt this family more than you did. Maybe they expected you to run because of your so-called career, but they expected me to always be there and I ran."
"I would have been home. I was going to come back, not leave forever," he added.
"Too little, too late, Sweet D. You left my love for the love of the world," I said, shaking my head sadly.
"You left, Kylie. You turned tail and ran away because you didn't get what you wanted. I went to work, you threw a temper tantrum," he yelled.
"Go to hell, Howie," I screamed.
"Been there. Got out about two years ago," he screamed back.
It would have been less painful if he had just punched me. Anything would have hurt less than those words because they turned all my beautiful memories into trash, into ugly, horrible things that I suddenly only wanted to forget. The pain in my heart invaded my entire body and I wanted to die it hurt so much.
I opened my mouth to say something, what I don't know. The words wouldn't come though. There weren't even words I could have spoken if I had been able to. I stared at him for an endless moment in time. I stared at him and tried to figure out who he was and who he had really been. I started to wonder if the man I had once loved so much had ever existed in the first place. I didn't know but I knew this wasn't the same man because my Howie would never have been able to say to anyone let alone me.
He stared back, his eyes cold and unforgiving and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. He stared at me as if I was everything evil in the world, the reason for every moment of pain in his life. His words echoed through my head and I had to escape.
Picking up the hem of my dress, I turned and ran as fast as I could in my heels. I ran as fast and as hard as I could from the pain and the memories even as I knew I would never escape them. All I knew were Howie's final words.
Every heartbeat, every breathe, every smile and every tear with him that I had held hidden in my heart for two long years were now ugly memories I couldn't seem to get rid of. I couldn't run from them, couldn't hide from them, couldn't make them disappear.
I stopped next to the car and slid to the ground forgetting about ruining my beautiful dress. I didn't care. To hell with the dress, it could be replaced. I could never replace my broken heart.
There I stayed in my pain, crying on the ground next to the car until finally Kale and the others found me almost an hour later
"There's no where to run. I have no place to go. Surrender my heart, body and soul."
I got up and stormed out to the living room of the suit in the hotel I shared with the girls and threw the remote at the stereo to end the song.
"Damn, K.C. You look like hell," Kale greeted, looking up from the magazine she was flipping through.
"Gee, thanks, Michaela. It's always good to hear that after having the man I love pull my heart out and stomp on it the night before," I answered, glaring at her.
"Don't yell at me because you and the Latin lover argued," she shot back.
"We didn't argue, Kale. Trust me we did not argue. Howie just told me that every single moment of our relationship was hell for him. Nothing big," I corrected her.
"Oh, K.C."
"Drop it. I don't care anymore. I'm so tired of caring, of caring how Howie feels, how Howie will react, how Howie is doing. I don't give a damn anymore. Now what time is our flight again? I need to go pack so we can get the hell out of this town," I said, looking at her with tired eyes.
"I cancelled our flight," was Kale's answer.
"You what?"
"I cancelled our flight. Polly called earlier and she wants us to come over for lunch. I figured we could catch another one tonight or tomorrow."
"Kale, I have to go to work. You can't do this to me," I screamed.
"Shut up, K.C. I called work and told them you were sick and wouldn't be in tomorrow either. Pollyanna is really worried about you. Hell even Crissy and Sarah called into work because they didn't want to leave you. They are on their way over by the way," she said, looking back down at her magazine.
"What did Polly say when she called?" I asked, quietly.
"She's having a barbecue at the house today and you are to come with us in tow. She said Howie has something he needs to say to you," Kale answered, peeking up at me.
"Howie said enough last night. I don't think I can hear anymore," I said, sinking down on the sofa beside her.
"What happened? Wait, don't. besides the girls are going to want to know too and you'll have to repeat it. Speaking of hootchies," Kale said at the knock on the door.
She got up to open it, letting in Sarah and Crissy who took seats across from me.
"So what happened?" Crissy asked.
"Momma loved me, Polly loved me, John loved me, even Elizabeth loved me.. Angie hates me and Howie's biggest mistake he ever made was his entire relationship with me. I think that covers everything," I answered, standing up. "I'm gonna get dressed to face the gauntlet. Be right back." I closed the door of the bedroom and leaned against it to listen to the girls talk.
"I'm gonna kill him," Crissy threatened.
"Calm down, Crissy. I get him first," Kale answered.
"What the hell was he thinking doing that to her? Talk about two-faced," Sarah added.
"Amazing that a family that wonderful could create someone that heartless," Crissy said, shaking her head. "He always seemed to be such a great guy."
"You never would have thought he could hurt someone so much. She was so upset last night she wouldn't even talk to us. And she said they were so in love. How do you hurt someone you loved so much like that?" Kale asked.
"Do you think John's like that too? I mean Polly was a total sweetheart last night and John seemed so nice. Do you think they are like that too?" Sarah asked.
"I think they have a few things they need to work out that they are letting their anger hide them from. Don't worry. The hootchies will help her through it," Crissy said, and I could hear her smile through the door.
Two hours later we were sitting in the car outside of the Doroughs.
"If any of you love me you won't make me get out of this car," I begged my friends.
"We love you and that's why we are making you get out. Come on, K.C. What about Elizabeth and Polly inside. Go in for them," Kale urged.
"Besides, I want to see John again," Sarah teased, smiling.
"And maybe Nicky boy is in side," Crissy added, grinning.
It was infectious. I couldn't help myself and I really didn't want to. I found myself smiling as well when I climbed out of the car. "I'm only doing this for you guys," I warned, laughing as John threw open the screen door on the front porch.
"K.C.," he yelled, running out and sweeping up to spin me around. "You ran out on me last night, woman. You owe me a salsa before the day is over with."
"I'm sorry, handsome. I had to get away unexpectedly. You mean Sarah didn't wear you out last night?" I teased, smiling at the man in front of me who held me in his arms so lovingly, so unlike his brother ever would again..
"She tried, but I outlasted her," he answered, smiling at Sarah. "Hello, pretty lady. How are you feeling this morning?" he asked her.
"Tired, but good. You outlasted me last night but I think I could take you today," she answered, smiling in return.
"We'll see," he said, taking her hand.
"Where's Pollyanna?" I asked.
"Inside with Momma, Poppa, and Howie," he said, watching me carefully all of the sudden.
"Well let's go. I want to see Poppa," I said, taking his other
hand as
the five of us headed up the sidewalk.
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