I took a deep breath and walked into a house I hadn't stepped into in far too long. Home, that's what it was for me. I had slept there, ate, dreamed, loved, and grown up within those walls. I had laughed and cried, cherished and hated, and sang and screamed in that house. It was home.
"It helps if you walk farther than the front hall," Hoke said, coming toward me.
"Poppa," I gasped, falling into the arms he held out to me. I held on to him and to all the memories that washed over me of him.
"I've missed my little girl," he said, brushing a hand down the length of my hair.
His little girl, I was the real baby Dorough. I was Paula and Hoke's little girl, Polly, Angie, John, and Caroline's little sister. My last name may have been James by birth, but I was a Dorough heart and soul.
"I missed you too, Poppa. You look great," I said, smiling up at him. He looked older but still as handsome as ever.
"Will you be staying for lunch?"
"And miss Momma's cooking? Of course, I'm staying," I answered, smiling.
I heard someone cough behind me and looked back with a sheepish smile.
"Poppa, these are my friends. Kale, Sarah, and Crissy, this is Hoke Dorough a.k.a. Poppa D," I introduced, smiling as Hoke held me close to him..
"Is this the Sarah?" he asked John and for the first time in all the years I had known him John blushed.
"Yeah, Dad. This is her," John answered.
"Young lady, it's a pleasure to meet you, to meet all of you. It's good to know someone has been taking care of our K.C. while she was gone," Hoke said, smiling at my friends.
He spoke as if I had only been gone for a little while and now I was home. I wasn't though, but I didn't have the heart to say that to him. Not yet anyway.
"Poppa, where's Polly?" I whispered in his ear.
"In the kitchen with your mother. Why don't you take Kale and Crissy in and let John have his lady to himself?" Hoke suggested.
"Gee, thanks for the subtly, Dad," John remarked, rolling his eyes. I glanced at Sarah to see her turning a bright red as she smiled up at the man who held her hand.
"Come on, girls. I'll show you what a real kitchen looks like," I promised, leading them farther into the house.
Memories slipped through my mind as I walked through the beautiful house. Things I would always remember and things I had forgotten. Hide and seek, pillow fights, tag, promises, tears, love, anger, life, and death. It was all there in that house, that house that hadn't changed since the last time I was in it.
"Momma, she was running from him as if the devil himself were on her heels. He said something awful to her, I know it," I heard Pollyanna in the kitchen and stopped just outside the doorway.
"We can't fix them, honey. They have to fix themselves," Paula answered.
"How do they do that when they are so intent on hurting each other?"
"Feels like old times already. You two plotting to fix whatever argument How and I had," I teased, trying to diminish the tension as I walked into the kitchen.
"K.C., you're here," Polly said, rushing to hug me. "And you brought some hootchies."
Crissy and Kale blushed crimson at the term used in front of Paula and Pollyanna and I laughed.
"So these are the hootchies. Pollyanna, told me about your girls," Paula said, coming to hug Kale and Crissy. "Is this all of you?"
"No, we brought another one, but John has her attention now," Crissy answered, grinning.
"Sarah! Yes, he did mention her a bit this morning."
"A bit, Momma? He talked about her all morning. He sounded like a teenager again," Polly teased, laughing.
"I think he's smitten," I added, smiling.
"I think so." Polly's eyes grew serious then as she stepped closer to me and whispered, "Howie's out back if you want to see him."
"No thanks," I answered, shaking my head slightly.
"K.C., you need to talk to each other."
"I don't think there is anything left to say. Howie pretty much said it all last night," I said, my heart aching once again.
"Please. He's been miserable all day. Just go see him," she begged.
"Miserable?" I asked.
"Terribly," she answered.
"Good, I have to see that," I said, turning and heading for the back door.
Slowly I opened it so that it didn't squeak and searched the backyard till I saw him. Sitting on the swing where we had shared our first kiss as a couple, he dragged his feet and stared at the pattern in the dirt below. He really did look miserable, but why should he? He had finally told the truth, finally gotten me back for whatever pain I had ever caused him. What reason did he have now to look so heartbroken?
I watched Howie from the backdoor for the longest time before finally stepping down into the backyard. Silently, I walked toward him until I stood behind the swing.
"Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?" I asked his back.
He didn't look up, didn't turn around. He only stopped the swaying of the swing before he answered. "Like I just said it. We were out here on this swing. We had been making out and you looked so beautiful. You kept staring at me with those blue eyes that looked like diamonds as if I could have given you the moon and the stars and everything in between. I knew then and I had to tell you."
"Of all the memories of you I carry in my heart that's the one I cherished the most," I answered softly.
"Why?"
"Because of all the things I had ever dreamed that was the dream I wanted the most and you gave it to me. Because you're love was honest and true and forever. Because I finally knew you loved me the way I had loved you for so long before that. Because regardless of the words, I saw the love in your eyes. The same way I saw the hate in them last night."
"I don't hate you, Kylie. I hate what you did to us," he argued though there was no anger, no hatred in his voice this time.
"Why is it I did it to us, Howie? Don't you think you were to blame just a little?" I asked, my voice as even as his.
"No, because I didn't leave you behind forever. I didn't abandon you."
"You did though, Howie. Can't you understand that?" I begged.
He stood then and finally turned to look at me. I gasped and stepped back at the sight of him. His eyes, blood shot, spilled over with tears he had been crying.
"Can't you understand that I needed you to come home to? I was hurting just as much as you," he added.
"And I needed you at home. She was my best friend, I loved her more than anything, Howie. It hurt so much and I was scared. I was scared of losing everyone I loved and then you left me," I cried, the tears spilling down my cheeks once again.
"I had to go, Kylie. Pearlman would have had my head. Court, money, time, he could have taken away my life, the life I was living. And I wasn't strong enough then to fight him," Howie admitted.
"Maybe it's better this way then. Maybe if you weren't strong enough to fight him then you couldn't have been strong enough to help me. But what about Momma and Poppa? What about Pollyanna and Angie and John? Do you have any idea what it was like to see their faces after you got on that plane? Caroline was just ripped from their lives and you just walked away from them."
"I came home as often as I could and them came out to see me. I did the best I could, Kylie," he defended.
"No, you didn't. You could have come after me," I pointed out.
The slamming of the backdoor being thrown open jolt me and drew our attention. I looked up to see Nick Carter coming out of the house.
"I swear, Nicholas if you yell at me," I warned, wiping the tears away quickly before he saw them.
"K.C., I'm not going to yell at you," he answered, stopping in front of me.
"Then why did you run out here like that?"
"To do this," he answered, lifting me up in his arms and hugging me. "I've missed doing that," he whispered in my ear.
"You don't hate me?" I asked him.
"Not a chance, gorgeous. Not a chance," he answered.
"Thanks, Nick," I said, before breaking down in tears again.
"K.C.," Crissy cried, running out of the house.
I must have terrified her, bawling my eyes out in the backyard between Howie and Nick. Nick, she loved Nick. She was a Nick hootchie.
"K.C., are you all right?" she asked, stopping next to me.
"I'm fine. Okay, I'm not fine but I'm not hurt. Nick Carter, this is Crissy. Crissy, as if I really need to do this, Nick Carter. If you'll excuse me," I said, pushing past Nick and leaving them with Howie.
"Kylie," Howie called after me.
I stopped at the door and looked at him. "I can't do this anymore, Howie. At least not here and not now. I can't keep getting interrupted. It's too hard," I admitted.
"Then come with me," he said, holding his hand out to me.
"Don't ask me that, Howie."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't take you hurting me again. Not like you did last night. I can't bear it emotionally or physically," I answered, shaking my head sadly.
"I won't hurt you. I promise."
"I never thought I would ever say this to you, How, but I don't believe you." And with those words I walked back into the house, alone.
I walked past the living room to see John and Sarah, heads bent close together. They didn't know it yet, but they were in love. It happens like that for Doroughs. When their soul mates come into their lives they just know it. It was like that for Caroline and Angie and for Howie. There is no hesitation in the heart when it recognizes its mate. Our minds might be slow sometimes but what beats within us knows in an instant.
Yes, they were in love. It could be weeks or months before they say the words but heir hearts knew. Just like my heart knew I loved Howie. I still did and I always would. I didn't deny it, didn't hide from it. I accept that my heart had chosen him. I would love him till the day I died. I just didn't know if I could ever trust him again.
That was the worst part. I loved him so much but love couldn't solve everything much as I wanted it too. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and laugh with him the way Sarah and John were. I couldn't though. I didn't trust him not to leave me again when I needed him the most.
And worst of all, I didn't trust that I wouldn't leave him. That's what really scared me. What if all of this was my fault and next time I ran again? What if I was the one hurting me and hurting Howie?
I slammed out of the house in anger and confusion. I just wanted to go back to New York and pretending that Howie Dorough was nothing more than a musical performer I listened too. I didn't have to find blame in myself, I didn't have to see him staring at me with those brown eyes I adored.
I also wouldn't be talking to Polly, Momma, and Poppa again. Sarah wouldn't have John. Crissy wouldn't be out back talking to Nick. I could save my heart by going back, but hurt so many others in the process.
Why did it have to hurt so much? Wasn't love supposed to be wonderful and beautiful and joyful? When did it become painful and confusing? I knew though. I knew the first time it hurt. I remember the day like I was still living it. The day Caroline died.
I knew it was coming, I knew it would hurt, but I knew I would never be ready for it. I let it hit me full force and I lost everything in its wake.. Did I even try to fight for any of it?
"How long have you known K.C.?"
I heard Nick's voice coming from the backyard and walked around the house to do the friendly thing and spy.
"A few years," Crissy answered. "What about you? When did you finally meet her?"
"Howie kept her hidden from us for awhile, but I actually met her the first time before the Backstreet Boys ever really existed. Howie's always been crazy about her."
"Then why did he leave her?"
"I can't answer that. Just like I can't tell you why she left him. I think they were in so much pain that they wanted someone else to hurt like them and they chose each other though unintentionally," he answered.
Was he right? Did Howie and I really do that to each other? How could we have hurt each other like that though?
"I hope you don't think I'm being too fast but would you like to have dinner with me this weekend?" I heard him ask Crissy.
"Are you serious?" was her answer.
"Crissy, say yes," I whispered to myself.
"I hope so," he teased.
"I'd love to have dinner with you," she answered.
Seems it wasn't just the Doroughs that fell in love quickly.
"Spying?"
I jumped at the sound of Pollyanna behind me and turned to her with a tiny smile.
"I couldn't help it. She's crazy about him and he just asked her out," I confessed.
"Doesn't surprise me. Nick might be blonde but he's not stupid. He knows a good woman when he sees one," Polly answered, smiling.
"Too bad your brother doesn't."
"I think Sarah's wonderful," she teased, knowing I wasn't talking about John.
"Have you seen those two together?"
"Oh yes. They look like you and Howie used to look. Before," she answered, quietly.
"Before Cari died, before he left, before I left. How did this happen, Polly? We loved each other so much. How did we let that go?" I asked her, turning to smell the roses along the fence.
"When I was little I use to watch the two of you. My baby brother and my little sister. You two made me believe that everyone had someone. You were so young but you never left the other's side. You were the moon and the stars. You couldn't find one without the other. I wish I could answer your question but I've asked myself the same thing for the last two years. How did you let this happen, K.C.?"
"I did let it happen though, didn't I, Polly? It didn't just happen, I let it happen. I let him go. Just like that. I walked away from him. He would have come home to me, but I wasn't going to wait for him. I did this to us, didn't I?" I asked her, turning around. She was gone though and in her place was Howie.
"Do you really believe that?" he asked me.
"I don't know what to believe anymore, How. I've blamed you for two years for breaking me heart. Even if it was my fault, even if I am the one that tore us apart, you're still to blame, Howie. You still left me when I needed you the most. If I never needed you again in my life I needed you when Caroline died. I was so scared and so hurt and I needed you to tell me not to be scared, to ease my pain. You left though. You left and you didn't even ask me to come with you."
This time I stood my ground, this time I didn't run. But it was this time that Howie slowly turned and walked away from me. This time I had hurt him more than he had hurt me, because for the first time he knew I was telling the truth.
I walked back inside after that and got lost in the hustle of being a part of the Dorough family again. I helped Paula in the kitchen. Laughed with Pollyanna, teased John and Sarah, and even picked on Nick and Crissy a little.
It was late in the day before I became serious again. I was having fun like I hadn't in so long. I was lost in the love of the people around, forgetting for just a little while that my heart still ached for a man that was never far from me.
"So what do you say, K.C.? Up for a little fishing with the old man this weekend?" Poppa asked later.
I looked at him, at all the faces in the room. Faces that watched and waited, some knowing my answer, others wanting to hear it.
"Poppa, I have to go home tomorrow," I answered, softly.
"You are home though," he argued, his face a mask of confusion and hurt..
"No, home is New York where my apartment is and my job and Lazy," I tried to explain, fighting the tears that once again burned my eyes.
"I thought you came home to us."
"I did, Poppa. I just didn't come home to live."
"Running away again, Kylie?" Howie asked, bitterly.
"Screw you, Dorough," I shot back, glaring at him.
"K.C.," Paula scolded.
"I'm sorry, Momma. He's hurt me so much this weekend though and I can't take anymore. I know I was wrong, I know I made a mistake but Howie did too. And you need to admit it, damn you," I yelled at their youngest son. "I'm tired of hurting because of you, for you. I accept my blame. Now it's your turn. Be the man I use to think you were, Howie, and stop hiding behind my fault and accept yours."
When I stopped I looked around the backyard at all the faces. Paula, Hoke, Pollyanna, John, Sarah, Kale, Crissy, and Nick. They were all shocked by my outburst, but maybe not as shocked as I was. I never wanted them to see us like that. They knew we had parted but they had never seen this kind of anger between us.
"I'm sorry." It was all I could say as they stared at me. "I need to go. Kale, Sarah, Crissy, stay here. I'll just walk back to the hotel. It's not too far. I just need to be alone."
"Go with her," John urged Sarah. "I'll see you later."
Sarah nodded, kissed him quickly and followed Kale who was already following me out.
"Wait for me," Crissy called after giving Nick her number.
"K.C., stop," Kale ordered as they caught up to me out on the sidewalk.
"I told you guys to stay. You were having a good time," I answered, smiling sadly at the trio.
"And you are heartbroken. Hootchies don't abandon each other," Kale said.
"Even for Backstreet Boys," Crissy teased.
"Or Backstreet Brothers," Sarah added, smiling.
"I'm sorry you guys had to see that," I said, hugging them.
"We are sorry you had to do it. Come on. Let's go back to the hotel."
Fifteen minutes later we were sitting in a circle on the floor of our hotel room eating ice cream.
"Howie and I had an ice cream fight one fourth of July. It was hot and what hadn't been eaten had melted. He called me over to the picnic table for something and suddenly I had ice cream oozing down my back." I laughed at the memory as I told the story.
"You fell for that from a guy?" Crissy teased.
"What? The guy is a great actor,' I defended, smiling.
"How did you two meet?" Sarah asked.
"My family lived in one of the houses around the corner from them. I sued to ride my bike bay the Doroughs every day. One day this kid came barreling out on to the sidewalk from the house. Ran right into me knocking us both off our bikes. I guess you could say we fell for each other immediately," I teased.
"How was it you and Caroline were so close? She was fifteen years older than you?" Kale asked.
"I honestly don't know. I use to wonder that myself. Our souls just connected I guess. She just understood me. Maybe better than even Howie did. She was something that was missing inside of me," I answered, my voice quiet as I lost myself in memories of an exceptional woman.
"Did you know she was dying?"
"I knew before she told me. She was weaker, quieter, less active. Her light had begun to fade before even she realized it." I reached for my purse and pulled out the pictures I carried in it. "We took this picture just before she got sick. It's my college graduation. A month later I flew to North Carolina and didn't leave again till after her death," I said, showing them the picture.
"I'm sorry, K.C.," Crissy whispered.
"Don't be. She did whatever it was she was sent to do. Now she's gone home."
I replaced the picture in my purse and stood up.
"Where are you going?" Sarah asked.
"To call Armani. It's time I come home."
Two days later I was back in New York. This time though I was packing up my apartment to go back to Orlando. Lazy lay curled up next to me as I sat in the floor packing up my books.
The knock at my door drew my attention as I yelled for my mystery guest to come in.
"Well if it isn't my favorite little sister," Jessi said, coming in.
"I'm your only sister, Jessi," I answered, smiling. "Grab a box and help out. I need to be done by Friday."
"Two days to pack up? Why so soon?"
"I want to be back in Orlando at least for the weekend."
"Why?"
"I'm taking Poppa fishing," I grinned. "He just doesn't know it yet."
"So can I ask what changed your mind? Did you and Howie get back together?"
"No," I answered, shaking my head sadly. "If anything we are more screwed up then before. I don't think there is much chance of there ever being an 'us' again, Jessi. Howie and I, we've just made on too many mistakes to go back. Sorry, Lazy," I said, nudging him off a book I needed..
"So why go back?" Jessi asked.
"Because it's home, Jessi. That city, those streets, that neighborhood, those people. It's just home and I've been away too long," I answered.
"I'm not home?"
"Oh, Jessi. You're my sister, my heart. You will always be home to me in my heart. You could always come with me," I suggested.
"No thank you. I am a New York kind of girl. Besides, I was just trying to make you feel guilty," Jessi said, grinning. "I never thought you should have left Orlando in the first place."
"Oh now you tell me," I teased, reaching for the ringing phone. "Hello?" I answered.
"How do you feel about Sarah and I getting married?" John asked.
"What?" I yelled.
"I'm kidding. I'm going to wait till next week to propose," he laughed into the phone.
"You are so funny, John Dorough," I answered, sarcastically.
"I think so. So what's happening, Kit Cat?" he asked.
"Not much. Just packing."
"Where you off to now?"
"Orlando," I answered, before covering the mouthpiece. "Bye, Jessi. I'll call you later," I promised my sister as she slipped out the door.
"Again?" he asked.
"Nope. For good and don't you tell anyone, John," I warned.
"What do you mean, K.C.? For good?"
"I mean if Poppa wants to go fishing then I'm going to take him fishing.. I'm coming home, John. You know of any good apartments?"
"A couple. What changed your mind, gorgeous?"
"Just a couple of people with the last name Dorough. I must have been a real idiot to walk away from all of you, John," I admitted.
"Just as much of an idiot as we were to let you go."
We were silent for a few minutes, lost in thoughts of time lost and second chances.
"Thank you," John said, breaking our silence.
"For what? I asked.
"Sarah. She's great," he gushed, making me smile.
"I know. She's my friend remember," I teased.
"She's so amazing though, K.C. She beautiful and funny and smart and she does not talk about Howie and the Backstreet Boys the whole time we are together."
"That's because she's crazy about you, John. She says all the same things about you," I laughed.
"Funny thing is, Howie says all the same things about you," he added.
"I knew you were going to do that," I answered, shaking my head even as I knew he couldn't see the action.
"Do what?"
"Turn your beautiful love story into my tragedy. You know the world doesn't revolve around what happens between Howie and I. I'm coming home so that's proof that things can be normal again."
"Things, my sweet K.C., will never be normal again until you and Howie have mended each others hearts."
"You ask the impossible of us, John."
"And why not? You've always given that before. You two are the world's greatest love story. Hope and fear, anger and joy, betrayal and trust," he continued on.
"If you can give me back the trust, John, I would gladly give you
your
happy ending."
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