The Official (as it gets)

TURTLE HOMEPAGE

Are you a Turtle?

I was mildly surprised to find that there were NO turtle homepages on the web. Shocking! More surprising, a recent check of my current students, all of prime drinking age, found NO turtles amongst them. As an initiate, of the Fraternal Alliance of Turtles, going way back to the late 70's, yes I'm an old F.A.R.T, I realised that something had to be done to correct this situation. Hate to think that this is my mission in life but seems that, since I've got some web space to spare, here goes:

WHAT IS A TURTLE?

A Turtle is a high minded individual, who refuses to allow his/her mind to dwell in the gutter. A quality which may only be tested through rigorous questioning and initiation. (More on this later)

LEGEND OF THE TURTLE:

Once upon a time, many years ago there was a man who was of good and noble character; without a trace of impurity in his thoughts. Unfortunately all about him he saw persons with vulgar minds unable to think of anything, except in sexual terms. He bemoaned his inability to find others with a similar highmindness, to his own. Like a turtle, he retreated into his shell.> Then one day, while partaking of a pint of ale (for purely medicinal purposes of course), he realized that there must be others like him. Forced into bars, and saloons; imbibing alcohol as a balm for the ills inflicted by obscene and vulgar persons.

He resolved to locate all the other pure minded individuals that he could, even if this meant spending his every waking hour crawling from one bar to the next. This was the begining of the Turtles. He embarked upon this quest with vigor and determination, but, since he was a man of limited means, quickly ran out of money.

Then one day, he got a tip on a horse running at long odds at the local track. The problem was that he had no money left with which to gamble. So, in desperation he wagered his last and most prized possession a donkey which he had raised from birth. Now this donkey was a particularly gentle and temperate animal, with a loving disposition. To lose his donkey would have been devastating, and yet what choice was there if the quest was to continue? Fortunately, he won the wager, and with the money was able to continue in his search for many more years, and begin the association of Turtles we know today.

And so, to comemorate this event, all members of this esteemed organization when asked, "Are You a Turtle?", must respond immediately without hesitation or fear of embarrassment, in a voice as loud and clear as the voice of the questioner: "You bet your sweet ass, I am" Failure to do so at anytime, will be penalized by having to buy a beer for everyone close enough to have heard the original question.

THE INITIATION

(Remember you are to answer these questions with a pure mind, free of all vulgarity and coarseness of thought. Any answers, which may stray from this ideal are purely the fault of your own imperfect reasoning, and not the fault of the questions) Note: It is assumed that individuals unable to correctly respond to these questions, are not necessarily foul minded but merely contaminated with the coarseness of daily existence. Administer a cleansing dose of medicinal spirits and re-ask the question. If there is still no improvement simply repeat as necessary.(

#1 What is round, hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajama's that you can hang a hat on it?

#2 What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and sticky?

#3 What is 6 inches long and women can't wait to get their hands on?

#4 What is a four letter word, ending in "K" that means to have intercourse?

#5 What is long, hard and filled with seamen?

While I have every confidence that you will successfully solve the above questions, for record purposes the answers can be found here. )
Now having successfully proven your worth and highmindedness: I am happy to present your "official as it gets" Turtle Membership Card. Containing the story of the organization's founding and typical initiation questions. It may be reproduced freely as often as you like with no further obligation on your part. Although it would be polite to mention just where you got it from.

#1 To make your own "official as it gets" Turtle Membership Card. Right click on the image and select "view turtle.gif"

#2 Do a save as to the directory of your choice and print with the graphics program of your choice (color's better but it's perfectly legible in black and white just so long as your printer does a reasonable job with grays)

#3 Cut out and fold in half, apply stick paper glue, UHU or equivalent to one side and press together. Let dry. It's now stiff enough to use. If you wish to put some kind of protective plastic covering over it at this time, please do . Hey you! Mind out of the gutter!

Someday this button:

Will Work.

Until that day comes, you'll just have to click here ) to go back.