Thursday, January 11, 2001

Justin made his way down the decorated hallway of the high school. Every available piece of wall space had been covered in red and white streamers and paper signs. The student body matched the décor, having pulled on as many pieces of red and white clothing as possible.

"Yo Smith!"

Justin turned his head to see a shorter boy running up to him. It took him just a fraction of a second to place the face with a name. "Travis, what's up man?" He stuck his hand out.

"Nothin'," Travis said as he slapped Justin's hand and grinned broadly. "You're going to whoop them tonight, right?"

Justin nodded. "Of course."

"You know people are talking about you guys making the state run," Travis said. "You think you're going to?"

"It's a little early to be thinking like that," Justin said. "We're only two games into the season."

"But," Travis said. "You're two and oh. Only two other teams are two and oh also."

Justin smiled. "Well, we can hope right."

"Sure can," Travis said. "Well good luck tonight." He raised his hand to have Justin slap it again.

"Thanks man," Justin said. "See you tonight."

"Tonight," Travis said. He pointed his index fingers at Justin as he backed down the hall.

Justin turned towards his locker and smiled to himself. Travis was a good kid, if a little bit on the groupie side. He'd just opened the locker door when he felt someone approaching him.

"Randy!"

Justin cringed when he recognized the voice.

"Laura," he said. He looked up to see the cheerleader come to a stop next to him.

Laura shoved a plate of cookies at him. "Good luck tonight."

Justin raised an eyebrow and tried to smile. "Gee, thanks. You didn't have to do this, really."

"Not a problem," Laura said. "I told you that you were my player for the season. Is there anything else you want?"

"No," Justin said. "Really. This is great." He turned back towards his locker and began loading books into his bag.

"Listen, Randy, I wanted to apologize for whatever I did that seemed to make you unhappy with me," Laura said. She leaned her shoulder up against the locker next to Justin's. "I don't know what it was, but I just wanted to apologize."

"It's okay," Justin said, with as noncommittal a tone as possible.

"So what are your plans for the weekend?" Laura asked.

Justin shrugged as he turned to look down at the hall, trying to spot anyone to save him. "I don't know."

"Well," Laura started. "There's this party-"

Justin turned back to look at Laura, intent on offering a polite denial when he saw Maggie coming up behind the cheerleader.

"Mags!" he called happily. "I missed you this morning."

"I know," Maggie said. She glared at the back of Laura's head before smiling sweetly as she walked up to Justin. She put a hand on Justin's chest and reached upwards to kiss him.

Justin smiled against his girlfriend's lips and parted them with his tongue, taking the kiss past social courtesy levels. When they broke apart, Justin turned to Laura who was still leaning against the locker with a thick scowl on her face. He turned back to Maggie. "Laura was just telling me about this party this weekend. You want to go?"

Maggie threaded her arm through Justin's and smiled at Laura. "Sure!" she said with just a hint too much enthusiasm. "You know me. I'm just the party queen. Thanks so much for telling us."

Justin felt his lips twitch as he tried not to smile. "We'll be there."

Laura smiled widely, showing too many teeth. "Great. So glad. Good luck, Randy. Show those bulldogs what for."

"Oh, I intend to," Justin said. He dropped Maggie's arm, turned back towards his locker and closed the metal door. When he turned around he batted his eyelashes and smiled widely. "My hero."

Maggie leaned up again and kissed Justin lightly on the cheek. "Anytime."

Justin stared out the window of the classroom onto the white field of grass. While outside the air was icy, inside the rooms were too hot. He moved his pen back and forth lightly over the margin of his paper, leaving a light shading of blue.

He looked down at the sky blue lines, and began to doodle words. He felt the pen writing letters, although he wasn't conscious of the words he was forming. 'a'... 'r'... 'e'... 'you'... 'gon'... 'na'... 'be'...

Justin looked down at the words and cringed. 'Are you gonna be...' he stopped writing, but the words were going through his head. Are you gonna be there?

No matter what the guys had said, that was the question they were asking him. Was he going to be there? Was he going to go back?

Justin flipped the page of paper over in his notebook. He hadn't written in his journal in a long time. The urge to write was suddenly overwhelming him. He supposed it didn't really matter if he didn't write the entry in the bound book hidden at the back of his desk drawer.

And now Lance isn't answering my email. It's been a really long time since I've heard from him. He was the one I could count on keeping me informed without pushing me to come back, you know? And now Josh is emailing me again. I don't think I said anything that bad to Lance in my last email. I just said something likethanks for telling Brit, but really thanks. Something like that. I think. That was only a week and four days ago. Shit.

The video choked me up. I wasn't going to let it, but it just did. They all looked really good and it just felt like I should be there singing with them. I guess I was with them because of the slide show thing. But what about the next video. They aren't going to dedicate them all to me. In the next one it'll be just the four of them. Are they going to do a next one?

And the song's stuck in my head. How uncool is that? Are you gonna be there. Are you gonna still care. I know what Josh was doing. I will be there eventually and I'll always care. Maybe I should write a note and tell him. I don't care what he said yesterday. They were asking me that. They were.

I don't want to see the video again. But I do at the same time- is that cool? Or not. If I want to see it, is that saying I want to be there with them? If I don't, is that saying I don't want to be? Because I do want to be there, you know? Just, well, not right now. I can't leave now. I just can't.

Are you gonna

"Mister Smith," Ms. Lark said as she paced the front of the class. "Would you like to share whatever's so interesting with the rest of the class?"

Justin looked up with wide eyes as the rest of the class snickered. "No, Ms. Lark, I wouldn't. Thanks though."

More snickers echoed around the room.

"Than I suggest you give me an example of onomatopoeia."

Justin smiled. His tutor on the tour had drilled that into his head until he was sure he'd never forget it. After the quick, pat answer Ms. Lark turned away from him.

Justin turned back towards the page in front of him.

be there. Am I gonna be there?

He turned his attention back towards the teacher and leaned back in his chair.

Now if only he could get that damn song out of his head. Then his life would be good.

'N SYNC Compound

JC woke up to the annoying sound of his alarm clock ringing. He rolled over and grimaced as his muscles protested. Half an hour of sleep wasn't enough to lose the pain.

He pushed himself up off the bed, scratching his chest and running a hand through his thick brown hair at the same time. He blinked and looked at his computer. The screen was on sleep and the small red light flashed on and off. He stood up and walked over to the book and pushed the 'return' key, waking the screen up. He looked at the already open browser window and saw the same new message indicator. He hadn't looked at the message this morning, hoping beyond hope that it was Justin, yet knowing he couldn't take the rejection if it wasn't him, or if he hadn't liked the video.

He moved the pointer over his inbox and clicked. He sighed with relief when he saw that the new message was from Justin, but he tensed wondering whether Justin had liked the song and the video.

He opened the message and nearly sighed with relief.
 

  Josh...

  It was perfect.

  I love you guys too.

  Justin

He'd watched, and he'd said it was perfect. It was what JC had hoped for.

JC pushed himself away from the desk, stood up, and almost ran out of his room.

"Guys?" His voice was more excited than it had been in days, weeks. "Guys!"

He heard feet running towards him from the living room as Lance and Chris skidded to a halt at the end of the hallway.

"What is it Jace?" Chris asked.

"What happened?" Lance asked at the same time.

Joey stuck his head out of his room. "Did you hear from him?"

JC couldn't do anything but nod his head up and down. He motioned for Chris and Lance to come down the hallway towards him.

"What'd he say?" Chris asked before JC could form the words.

"He said," JC paused and swallowed. "He said that the video was perfect. And that he loved us too."

The hall was silent as the three other men contemplated the message. Joey suddenly pulled Chris and JC to him for a hug. Chris and JC both reached for Lance.

As the huddle broke apart all four men were smiling widely, a first for almost a month.

"Are you gonna be there when the rain comes?" Justin muttered under his breath. He was pacing the main floor hallway of the Hunter house. "Are you gonna be there with the warm touch? Can you say you'll be there with the real love? Are you gonna be there?"

He walked past the den for the tenth time and looked at his watch. It was 4 o'clock. TRL was on. More than likely the new video would be on. Justin wondered what place it would be, or if it would even be on the countdown.

He didn't want to watch the video though. That he was certain of. All the same he found himself being drawn towards the TV, and the remote for the TV. It wouldn't hurt to just see if the video had made the countdown. He could turn it off after that so he wouldn't have to see it. Carson would say 'and now debuting at number five we have 'N SYNC with 'Are You-'' and then Justin would turn it off.

That would work. He just wanted to see if the video had made it, to see if the guys were going to make it.

He flipped on the TV and sat down on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees and staring intently at the screen. He saw a desert setting with scraggly trees poking out of the dirt. A large RV was resting in the middle of the landscape and a drum-set was miraculously by the side of the trailer. Long blond hair flopped in the fabricated wind and Justin winced. His life would have been complete if Hanson had never entered it.

He heard the sound of claps and screams fading in over the video and sat back in his seat. The camera wiggled from the TRL video screen back to Carson.

"And at number four that was Hanson with their video 'Run Away Run,'" Carson said. "It seems like the perfect segue to our number three video, a debut from 'N SYNC."

Justin leaned forward and then immediately sat back again. Number three. Number three. That was what he'd been waiting for, right? It was his cue to turn the TV off and go upstairs to get ready for the evening's game.

"And here's 'Are You Gonna Be There?' at number three," Carson said as the camera shifted back to the TRL video screen.

Justin watched as the screen turned black and then the picture started to fade in. He felt his fingers grasping for the remote, but his arm wouldn't obey his instructions to actually grab the remote. He wondered how people had requested the video. Had it been requests for him? Or for the guys? Or for all of them?

He felt a lump rise in his throat as the first video request came on the screen.

"Hi! I'm Sylvia from Rhode Island! And I requested 'N SYNC's 'Are You Gonna Be There!' because I just wanted to let the guys know that I'll always be here! I love you Justin!"

The girls in the Times Square audience around Sylvia dissolved into screams and the request screen disappeared.

The first written request came on the screen. Justin strained his eyes to read the small type from his position across the room.

Hi Carson! I wanted to request 'N SYNC's new video because I'll just die if they ever say 'bye, bye, bye!'

Justin felt as if he were moving in slow motion and he didn't know why. The world just seemed to be a little bit duller, the sounds just slightly more muted, and his movements just a teensy bit slower.

The gym was fuller than he'd remembered it being at their previous games. More people seemed to be walking by the court and hanging out on the sidelines. More eyes seemed to be on his every movement.

He bounced the ball to the ground twice and looked up at the basket. He raised the ball, pushed it upwards through the air with his hands, and watched as it bounced off the backboard.

He ran after the ball, quickly pulling it into his hands. It felt different, not as real as it had before. He looked at the basket again and brought the ball up above his head again. He knew he'd missed the net as soon as the ball was in the air.

Justin tracked the ball down again and walked over to the bench. He felt like thousands of eyes were focused on him. He felt like heads were turning as he walked. He felt like the sounds in the gym had fallen to whispers that were echoing around him. About him.

He sat down on the bench and cradled his forehead in his hands. The ball fell loosely at his feet and rolled a few inches away before coming stopping against a water bottle that was resting on the gym floor. He sighed heavily and suddenly the sounds around him became louder— almost overwhelmingly so.

"Smith," Coach said as he came up to Justin. "You sick?"

Justin shook his head. "No, Coach." He didn't look up at the older man.

"Then what's the matter?" Coach asked. He sat down next to Justin. "You don't look so good son."

"I'm fine," Justin said. He looked at the coach and tried to smile. "I've just had a bad day."

"And what are you going to do with that day?" Coach asked.

"Leave it off the court," Justin said.

"You'd better," Coach said. "These guys are gunning for us."

Justin nodded and grabbed his ball off the floor. "I'll be fine."

Coach stood up. "That's what I wanted to hear."

Justin grabbed the ball and dribbled out onto the court again. He could tell already that this wasn't going to be a good game.

"What's your problem?" Josh hissed as stood next to Justin waiting for the other team to make their free throw.. "This isn't a good team."

"It's not just me on the court either," Justin spat. He glared at the player on the line, and perhaps because of the extra unwelcome thoughts being thought in his direction, the player missed.

"But you're the one who's screwing up," Josh said. "We'd be doing fine without you on the court."

"I'm trying," Justin said. He watched as the ball left the players hands again, this time swooshing through the net.

"They you'd better sure as hell try harder," Josh said as he began running down the court.

Justin tried to smile at Matt as the other teen inbounded the ball, but found that he couldn't. The ball slapped into his hands and Justin turned, starting down the court.

"Is Randy okay?" Emily asked as she leaned over to Maggie. "He's not doing so good."

"I know," Maggie said. "He seemed okay earlier today."

"Is he sick?" Amanda asked. "He looks a little pale from up here."

"I don't know," Maggie said. She sounded frustrated. "All I know is that he was okay this morning. I didn't see him after school because I had to work, and then by the time I got home, he was here."

"He was out of it in class this morning," Mary Jane, the girl behind Maggie said. "Ms. Lark called on him for something and he was in complete outer space."

"That was really funny," the girl sitting next to Mary Jane said. "He was bent over his notebook and Lark asked if he wanted to share whatever was so fascinating with the rest of the class and he said, 'thanks, but no thanks.' We were all laughing."

"Huh," Maggie said. Her eyes were focused on court as the other team made another two points. "Come on Randy."

"Where's his brain at?" Emily asked no one in particular. "It sure as hell isn't on the game."

"Are you gonna be there," Justin muttered through barely open lips. He watched the other teams point guard bringing the ball down the court towards him. He moved, but was just slightly too slow, missing the ball by just a fraction of a second. The ball was flying through the air towards one of the players down by the basket, when Josh stepped into the ball, effectively protecting it from the other team.

Justin stood stalk still as the opposing team ran past him, followed closely by the three other players on his team. He watched as Josh lobbed the ball to him. He waited as Josh came up to him.

"I'm not going to lose this game, Smith," Josh growled. "Just get me the ball when we get down there. That's all you got to do, okay?"

Justin nodded silently. His hackles tried to rise, but common sense wouldn't let them. He wasn't going to lose the game either, and Josh was the only person who he could be sure would save it.

The sounds of lockers banging closed echoed around the locker room.

"That was a little bit too close for comfort," Matt said with an uneasy laugh. A one-point victory over a team they should have beaten easily was not something any of them were proud of.

"Yeah," Justin said. He pulled his jersey off over his head and scrunched it up into a little ball before shoving it in his bag.

"But at least we won," Matt continued.

"Yeah," Justin said again. He pulled his t-shirt on and his sweatshirt on over that.

Matt stood up and slapped Justin on the back. "It's not your fault man."

"Yeah?" Justin asked. "Try telling the rest of the town that."

"But we won," Matt said. "That's all anyone could ask for."

"And the papers will harp on how off I was tonight," Justin said. He slammed the door to the locker shut. "And they won't be wrong."

"Gee," Matt said. "You bitter towards the Mill Creek Register much?"

"No," Justin said. "I'm just—" he sighed. "I'm just tired."

"Okay," Matt said. "You going to the party this weekend?"

Justin shrugged. "Probably."

Matt nodded. "It's going to be fun. I heard two kegs."

"Great," Justin said. He stood up and picked up his bag. "I think Maggie's waiting for me."

"Yeah," Matt said. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye," Justin said. He headed out of the locker room without a backwards glance.

The only sound in the night air was their footsteps on the paved road. Maggie was huddled under Justin's arm and their jackets moved together, they made a soft scraping sound in the clear air.

"Are you okay?" Maggie asked finally.

"Fine," Justin said. "Why?"

"You just weren't on tonight," Maggied said. "That's all. I didn't know if something was wrong."

"Nothing has to be wrong," Justin said. "I have the right to have off nights like everyone else."

"You do," Maggie said. "Of course you do."

"Nothing has to be wrong," Justin said again.

"Of course not," Maggie said quickly. She cuddled just a little bit closer to Justin.

They walked in silence again. A car passed them, the headlights illuminating them for a brief instant.

"I'm just a little homesick," Justin said softly. He wasn't even sure he heard his voice in the night air.

"Really?" Maggie asked softly. She stopped in the middle of the street and looked up at Justin. "Why?"

Justin shrugged. "Why does anyone get homesick?"

"No," Maggie said. "I mean what brought it on?"

Justin shrugged again. He stuck his hand out towards Maggie and waited for her to grab it before he continued walking down the street.

"Randy?" Maggie asked as she squeezed his hand. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Justin shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about," he said. "I'm just missing home a little bit. That's it. It'll be gone soon. It always goes away."

"Okay," Maggie said. She didn't know what to say. "Have I told you recently how glad I am that you came back?"

Justin stopped and looked down at his girlfriend. Her eyes seemed brighter in the moonlight and her cheeks were pink from the cold air. "You just did," he said.

"I am," Maggie said. "I don't know what I'd be doing without you, Randy."

Justin put a gloved hand behind Maggie's neck and gently brought his lips to hers. His other hand rubbed her cheek softly and got caught lightly in her hair.

"Mags," Justin said as he hugged her to him. "I lo— look, I want to thank you."

Maggie nodded. "For what?"

"For being you," Justin said. He shivered. "And for making me be me. There's not very many people who can make me do that anymore." He grabbed Maggie's hand before she could answer. "Come on, let's go home."

Justin collapsed on the bed and opened the journal clutched tightly in his hand. It seemed incomplete now that he'd written the entry in his school notebook. He rolled over on the bed and dragged his backpack onto the bed. Pulling out the notebook, he opened it and ripped out the entry he'd written in class. Folding it, he stuck it under the cover of the journal.

Uncapping a pen he placed it on the first blank page.

January 11, 2001

It's been a long time since I've written two times in a day. I haven't since I left. And then it was only on days when things were bad. Things weren't bad today. How can this morning seem like such a long time ago? When I was sitting in Lark's class doodling 'Are You Gonna Be There?' on the edge of the notebook paper.

That video shouldn't have upset me as much as it did, again. It completely set me off my balance today. That game was... well, in another ten years it'll be laughable. That's about all I can say about that. And then Maggie had to go and tell me how much she was glad I was here. Just when I'd been thinking that maybe I didn't belong here anymore. Or maybe I belonged somewhere else more.

I almost wish I hadn't met her. Then I wouldn't be feeling these feelings- these torn feelings that tell me I should be here and back there at the same time.

I look at Maggie and I see things that scare me. I see her in my life for a long time. No, that's wrong. I just can't see my life without her. I see us being happy. So sure, we haven't had exactly the easiest three week relationship, but we're getting better. I'm not going to give up on her. I don't see a future where I have given up on her.

I'm not saying I'm going to marry her, because quite frankly, what would be the likelihood that I'd meet my soul meet in a small town in the middle of nowhere Kansas? Not very high. I just don't want to see a life without her.

But I don't see her with Justin either. She's great with Randy, wonderful with Randy, but she wouldn't deal well with the touring, the fans, the general hoopla associated with being me. I'm not going to let her get away from me.

Goddamn. Wasn't this supposed to make my life easier?