Tarnished Armor
Part 100

The Oprah Winfrey Show.

The camera pans the audience.

Oprah enters to thunderous applause.

Oprah: Hello, everyone! How are you doing?

Everyone cheers.

Oprah: Welcome to a special episode of Oprah, in celebration of the 100th episode of Tarnished Armor. We have a special panel of guests, some great clips, and fabulous outtakes all coming your way. Whew! I’m gettin’ goosebumps. I can’t wait to get started, but first let’s take a look at our audience. We went out and we rounded up the fans who were the most rabid on the subject of Adam and Liza.

Oprah goes out into the audience. She picks out an audience member.

Oprah: You, miss. How do you feel about Adam and Liza?

Audience member #1: Dixie must die! Death to the Martins! Adam and Liza rule!

Oprah: Death to the Martins?

Another audience member stands up.

Audience member #2: Liza is only good with Adam. If she’s not with Adam, I want her off the show.

Audience member #1: What?? This is OUR folder, get out of our folder.

Audience member #2: YOUR folder? What about ours? You come into the Tad and Dixie folder and talk your trash about Dixie. We have a right to be here.

Oprah: Hey! This is not Jerry Springer! Do you all want Liza and Adam together?

Various cheers.

Miscellaneous chatter: “Only if it keeps her away from Tad.” “Why’d the first baby have to die?” “Death before divorce!”

Oprah: Whew! That’s some response! You there! In the green. You don’t seem to be that excited about Adam and Liza.

Woman in green: When is Santa Barbara coming back?

The woman in green is cuffed on the ear by the woman sitting next to her.

Oprah: We’ll have none of that here.

Woman in green: ALL of the maniacs are vicious people who have nothing better to do than ruin Marcy Walker’s career. Liza belongs with Cruz on General Hospital.

Oprah: I believe A Martinez is playing a different character now.

Woman in green: He’ll always be Cruz to the real fans.

Oprah: But what about Liza?

Woman in green: Liza could be Eden. Eden has amnesia. Once she sees Cruz, she’ll go running back into his arms.

Oprah: But Liza existed before Eden did. I loved to hate Liza back then, being so mean to Jenny Gardner. Do y’all remember that?

Audience member #2: Liza’s a witch.

Woman in green: Liza existed in the five years when Eden was gone from Santa Barbara. It’s a plot.

Oprah: Well, I admire your devotion, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Woman in green: You didn’t think Liza and Adam would ever divorce.

Oprah: What?

Woman in green: But they did. They divorced. Why can’t Liza be with Tad? Someone with dark hair, someone who knows how to take a woman and throw her up against a wall to kiss her?

Woman behind woman in green: ::::Thwack!:::: Never gonna happen. :::: Slaps her money down and runs away::::

Oprah: How did you make those colons appear?

Woman with :::’s : ::::quickly runs back in::: : It’s a gift.

Oprah turns to another audience member.

Oprah: How about you, miss?

Audience member #3: Equals, partners, soulmates. Equals, partners, soulmates.

A bulk of the audience takes up the chant.

Bulk of audience: Equals, partners, soulmates. Equals, partners, soulmates.

Oprah: All right!

A woman in blue stands up.

Oprah goes to her.

Oprah: You have a question?

Woman in blue: I like Jesse is he going to be here?

Oprah: Jesse McCartney? Junior?

Woman in blue: Adam Chandler Junior.

Oprah: Yes, he is.

Woman in blue: Good.

The woman in blue smiles and sits down.

Oprah: I don’t know. For a while before Tarnished Armor started, I hear a lot of fans thought that Adam didn’t deserve Liza.

Woman wearing glasses: Liza didn’t deserve Adam!

Oprah: Oh. Well, you know what? I’m going to bring out our panel, and we can see what they have to say. I’d like to first bring out our creators, surfer and Hookd.

surfer enters the room. She has a bottle of Lemon Ice Gatorade in one hand and a cigarette in another. There are huge circles under her eyes.

Hookd enters the room. She has a small dog nipping at her heels and a giant margarita in her hand.

Hookd and surfer sit.

Oprah: Next, I’d like to -- wait a minute. I see the woman with the colons has something to say.

Woman with :::’s : :::stands up, slaps herself and calls herself Betty::: I have a gift for Hookd.

Oprah: How nice! What is it?

Woman with :::’s : :::sidles up to Hookd and hands her a plate of baked goods::: Here’s your cookies. I know that you’ve been getting rid of them, and I thought you could use some more.

Hookd: Gee. Thanks.

Woman with :::’s : Together forever!

The woman with :::’s sits back down.

Oprah: surfer, I have a few questions for you and Hookd before we bring our next guests out.

surfer: I think the story speaks for itself.

Oprah: People are curious, though.

surfer: I like Lemon Ice. It’s the best flavor.

Oprah: About the story. Curious about the story. How do you write so quickly?

surfer: No sleep, cigarettes, Gatorade and an intense hatred of Megan McTavish. Better than Jolt.

Oprah: And what is Hookd’s role in all of this?

surfer: Hookd’s role? Basically, I read stuff to her and she says stuff like, “My man wouldn’t do that.”

Oprah: Her man?

surfer: Adam. She’s an Adamluva. Sometimes she says “My poor man. What are you doing to my man?” And occasionally she says stuff like “Liza caresses Liza’s cheek?” and I know I made a mistake. But she puts in good lines and story suggestions too. And she holds my hand when I think the maniacs are going to hate me for something in the story.

Oprah: Could you give us a little scoop? Something to look forward to in the story?

surfer: Adam leaves town, and Liza reunites with her truelove Tad.

Woman in green: Yes!

Oprah: Really?

surfer: No scoops for Tarnished Armor! How many times must I tell you people that?

Woman wearing Canadian flag: Does Jake die?

surfer: That’s bnlfan, isn’t it?

Hookd: Must be.

surfer: Jake does not die! Sheesh!

bnlfan: Why not?

surfer: He’s a Martin!

bnlfan: Other Martins have died. Kate. Little Bess.

Audience member #2: Heartless! It was heartless!

surfer: Jake will not die. Not gonna happen.

Oprah: Well, I think we have our first scoop. Jake does not die.

surfer: Dang.

Oprah: Hookd, surfer has said that Adam is your man.

Hookd: He is.

Oprah: But isn’t he with Liza?

Hookd: I’ve lent him to her for while she’s on the show. But she knows I get him back.

Oprah: So you’re really into David Canary, huh?

Hookd: No. Just Adam.

Oprah: But David Canary created Adam. Just as he’s created other roles.

Hookd: I don’t give a rat’s @ss about anyone but Adam. Can we hurry this up? surfer’s got to get back to writing.

Hookd’s dog nibbles at her heels.

Hookd: Mac! Go play with your ball!

The dog doesn’t move.

Hookd: Mac!

The dog sits on an empty guest chair.

Hookd: Mac, you jerk!

The dog gets off the chair.

Hookd: Oh sure, now play all innocent.

Oprah: Hookd?

surfer: It will pass. She really loves that dog.

Hookd: I do not.

surfer: You do too.

Oprah: Well, on with the show! We have a phone call coming in for Hookd and surfer. Hello? Are you there?

Disembodied voice: Hello? Can you hear me?

Oprah: Yes. Did you have a question for Hookd and surfer?

Disembodied voice: Yes. I was wondering why Tarnished Armor didn’t follow the original storyline for Liza and Adam’s story from the show. The original story was poignant and funny. I find Tarnished Armor to be neither.

surfer: @#$* you, McTavish! Or is this McTavish’s mother?

Disembodied voice: Why, you little @#%$! How dare you? You know nothing of these characters! They talk to me! They talk to me, I tell you.

surfer: Yeah, they probably say “@#%* you!”, don’t they?

Disembodied voice: I’ll be back! Those holics want me and they’re strong in number. You wait and see!

The voice disconnects. Hookd is missing. surfer notices Hookd’s absence.

Oprah: I wonder how that happened.

surfer: Gee, me too.

Oprah: Let’s bring out the actors. We have with us today Marcy Walker, David Canary, Jesse McCartney and Michael Lowry.

Marcy Walker, David Canary, Jesse McCartney and Michael Lowry enter.

Woman in green: Eden!

The actors take their seats. Hookd’s dog is sitting in Michael Lowry’s seat.

Lowry: Colby!

surfer: That’s not Colby. It’s a dog.

Hookd enters.

Hookd: Mac!

Mac crawls under a seat. Michael Lowry sits. Hookd takes the seat next to David Canary.

Oprah: Welcome to the show. Good to have you all with us. We’re going to go to some clips from Tarnished Armor soon, but first, I’d like to ask you some questions. David, how have you been enjoying Tarnished Armor?

David Canary: It’s enjoyable. The only thing I think I’d like to see more of is a little more Marian and Stuart. I love Stuart. I find him to be much more enjoyable to play. Ow!

David Canary looks sharply at Hookd.

Hookd: Must have been the dog.

surfer: Adamluva.

Oprah: Jesse, how about you? How are you enjoying your role?

Jesse McCartney: It’s cool. But I don’t think Junior would get that much food on his clothing. I mean, he got into trouble for it once, why would he do it again?

surfer: I resent that statement.

Jesse McCartney: It just seems too made up to me.

surfer: Ingrate.

Jesse McCartney: Hack.

surfer: Primadonna.

Jesse McCartney: Hey!

surfer: Sorry.

Oprah: Michael, how about you? Are you enjoying Tarnished Armor?

Michael Lowry: Think Michael Tarnished Armor too biased is.

Oprah: I beg your pardon?

Michael Lowry: Not do Jake things does Jake in Tarnished Armor.

Marcy Walker: Yoda. You see?

Oprah: Marcy, what do you think of Tarnished Armor?

Marcy Walker: Well, it’s better than McTavish.

surfer: Gee. What a compliment.

Marcy Walker: Oh, you. There’s only one thing missing from Tarnished Armor, I think.

Oprah: What would that be?

Hookd leans over to Marcy Walker.

Hookd: Not in front of this crowd. You’ll never survive.

Marcy Walker: What are you talking about? The fans love this. I wish Liza would have hot monkey sex with Tad. She’s so distraught right now, and I can see it happening.

Five women storm the stage.

Hookd takes out a stun gun.

Hookd: Stand back!

The women snarl.

Hookd: Holics. Thanks a lot, Marcy. All our hard work down the drain. Hope you enjoy your fan mail for the next few months.

surfer: Sit down, everyone! It’s not going to happen. But if you attack Marcy, I’ll make sure it does.

The holics take their seats.

Woman in blue: What’s up with that?

Marcy Walker: I KNEW they’d say that.

Oprah: Do any of you have any favorite parts of Tarnished Armor? Anything really memorable that you can share?

Michael Lowry: Like I the scene where custody gets Jake.

Jesse McCartney: I liked running away. That was cool.

David Canary: I liked the scene in the car with Marcy, Amelia and Matthew, when Matt--

Marcy Walker: Hasn’t aired yet.

David Canary: What?

Marcy Walker: We’ve shot it, but it hasn’t aired yet.

David Canary: Oh. What about the scene where we’re with Dr. Tolan?

Marcy Walker: They’ve seen that one. That was a good one.

Oprah: What about you, Marcy? Any favorite scenes?

Marcy Walker: The one where I pretend to be Adam. That was fun to do. To tell you the truth, I’m just happy to be done with saying the word "sperm."

Oprah: Well, let’s go to one of my favorite scenes, and then I’ll get your comments on it.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liza leans in quickly for another kiss. Adam puts his fingers to her lips.

Adam: Ssh.

Adam slowly leans in and kisses her. Then he reaches up and touches her hair with his hand.

He starts to bring his hand down to her shoulder.

Liza: Ow!

Adam: What? What happened?

Liza: Ow! Don’t move. Adam. Don’t move.

Adam freezes.

Adam: What happened?

Liza: Your watch is caught in my hair.


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oprah: I loved that. I mean, how many times has that happened to you people in the audience? You’re in the middle of an intimate moment and whoa!

surfer: The original scene was much better.

Marcy Walker: Oh, I don’t think so. It works better this way.

Oprah: I smell a story.

Marcy Walker: The watch getting caught in my hair was a mistake.

David Canary: A complete happy accident.

surfer: Actors.

Marcy Walker: Oh, lighten up.

surfer: And I notice you cut my line about the satin sheets.

David Canary: But the scene worked, didn’t it?

surfer: That was a good line.

David Canary: Writers.

Oprah: I see the woman in green has a question.

Woman in green: This isn’t a question. It’s a speculation. I think I know what happens next in Tarnished Armor. Adam kidnaps Colby. Junior sees the kidnapping and Adam locks him in the crypt. Meanwhile, Liza goes to Port Charles, looking for clues. Jake goes with her and they realize that they’re in love.

Michael Lowry: Love good is for Jake. Cookies bad.

Marcy Walker: That would be interesting. Where’s Tad? There aren’t enough scenes between Liza and Tad.

Woman with glasses: Liza and Tad? Adam and Liza are never on together anymore in Tarnished Armor.

David Canary: Well, I do have a ten-week vacation coming up.

surfer: Check your schedule again.

David Canary: What?

surfer: No more vacations for you or Marcy. It’s too hard on the fans.

David Canary: My contract states --

surfer: I’ve fired Jean Dadario Burke. All contracts are being re-written.

David Canary: That’s unconscionable. Who’s re-writing them?

Hookd: I am. I am the new executive producer.

Marcy Walker: Of All My Children?

Hookd: You mean “All Adam’s Children.” I’ve taken the liberty of re-naming the show.

Woman with :::'s : :::runs up to stage and takes her cookies back::: Ain’t gonna happen. More Tad and Dixie.

Woman in green: What about the speculation?

A caped crusader descends upon the stage.

Oprah: Who are you?

Caped Crusader: I am Twin Titan, maniac extraordinaire. Dedicated to truth, justice and the conniving of my supercouple.

Oprah: Do you read Tarn--

Twin Titan: My purpose today is to vanquish the naysayers.

Twin Titan faces the woman in green.

Twin Titan: Your days of terrorizing the maniacs are at an end.

Twin Titan grabs the woman in green by the shirt collar and faces the audience.

Twin Titan: Say good-bye to the perpetrator of crimes against our couple. Her reign of terror is no more.

Twin Titan disappears into the flies, taking the woman in green with her.

The room erupts in wild applause.

surfer: Dang. That was good.

All of the lights and electricity in the room are suddenly shut off.

Oprah: Hello?

Outrageously Amplified Voice: Attention all participants! This is ABC Daytime. If you go quietly, we will not prosecute!

surfer: Prosecute?

O.A.V.: For too long, the fans have felt they could slander us, libel us, and break billions of copyright laws with no repercussions! Those days are gone. From this moment on, we don’t give a rat’s @ss --

Hookd: Hey, that’s my phrase!

O.A.V.: Look under section 5, part 967 of the copyright laws. We own “rat’s @ss.” And we don’t give one about the viewers. We have put up with your nagging and incessant complaints for far too long.

Marcy Walker (whispers): Keep writing those letters.

O.A.V.: We heard that, Marcy! And I wouldn’t be so quick to encourage these heathens if I were you. Scoot -- I mean, Scott -- can be made available for the next Liza love match. You’re under contract, you know. And your criticisms of your current storyline have not gone unnoticed. Take your cues from Canary. Adam killed his unborn child, and did Canary say “boo”? No. So if you don’t want Liza serving coffee once every three months, you should watch your mouth. This program is concluded.

THE SCREEN GOES BLANK

 
Tarnished Armor Index
Part Ninety Nine
Part One Hundred and One