The 2000 Presidential Twist-Off:
The Candidates on Storm Chasing.
Yes! Riders on the Storm proudly presents the 2000 Presidential Campaign Debate
on Storm Chasing! Unlike the national news networks, we at Riders on the Storm believe in
giving all major candidates an open forum to discuss their views and positions on the state and future of storm
chasing, severe weather and, of course, their storm chasing equipment preferences and policies.
Each candidate has been presented with five questions . . . THREE questions . . . 1) What is your name, 2)what
is your quest, and 3) what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Sorry. I'm told those were the qualifying questions for candidacy.
The REAL Storm chasing questions are:
A - Have you ever chased storms?
B - What is your position on regulation of storm chasing?
C - What is your position on tornado control?
D - Free comment.
Now, without further ado, the candidates on Storm Chasing:
Democrat CandidateVice President Algore:
A - I am proud to say that I invented Storm chasing as a poor, black child on the Kansas frontier during the Great
Depression.
B - Strict government regulation of storms and storm chasing is necessary if we are to preserve storm habitat for
future generations. When I see a magnificent and ancient F5 thundering across the plain, I often wonder, what would
it be like to be a prairie dog?
C - I issued the first tornado warning as a forecaster on the front lines in Vietnam. I fully support the Tornado
Control Institute and President Clinton's advocacy for tough tornado control laws and restriction on the NWS's
reckless use of the word "tornado" in forecasting. I have also been a leader in the move to bring lawsuits
against camcorder companies for making video equipment too easily accessible to our children, thus making them
more susceptible to the lure of storm chasers.
D - Personally, I like my Secret Service driven Limo for all severe weather situations. The bullet proof glass
is great for hail and flying debris.
Republican CandidateGov. George W. Bush
A - well, I'm not going to play that game. We all do things out of youthful indiscretion but it was a long time
ago.
B - Storm Chasing is a Constitutional right guaranteed by the 17th Amendment, or something. Regulation simply takes
Storm chasing equipment out of the hands of law abiding citizens and gives it to yahoos who have no regard for
the essentials of tornadogensus, uh todadogenius, uh . . tornodage. . toe . . . heh, help me out here.
C - I trust the tornadoes and I trust the storm chasers. I want to decrease the size of big government, so as president
I would create a federal agency to provide more resources to storm chasers everywhere.
D - Dick and I went chasing in my Ford Explorer once, but the emergency service people tell me it was probably
a bad idea - who knew?
Green Party Candidate Ralph Nader:
A - Tornadoes are unsafe at any speed. But I did drive away from one once in a Corvair.
B - Since storm chasers use a lot of gasoline, and gasoline engines pollute the atmosphere, I would ban the use
of automobiles and require chasers to ride bicycles.
C - Tornadoes should be left to run wild and free. I propose setting aside seven states in the Plains as tornado
habitat. (When asked about the people living in these states Nader responded that they should move back to Europe
where they came from).
D - My name is NADER and I am a friend of ‘NADERs everywhere. A vote for NADER is a vote for ‘NADERs! (Mr. Nader
then became incoherent)
Reform Party Candidate Pat Buchanan
A - I'd chase it! Sure! Lock and Load!
B - Regulate Storm chasers? Are you kidding? Storm chasers don't need regulation - they need FREEDOM! I have numerous
storm chasers in my entourage and I can assure you they are professional and efficient at what they do - bludgeoning
the opposition, goose stepping in parade, keeping their brown shirts neatly pressed, keeping order among the. .
. huh? . . . OH, my mistake, I thought you said storm TROOPERS! Sorry.
C - You can have my tornado when you can pry it from my cold dead hands.
D - Tornadoes are the number one reason I support providing military equipment to civilians - motorists and trailer
park residents need tanks for personal protection.
SO! There you have it - the candidates on Storm Chasing. Now, get out there on November 7 and
VOTE!
Remember the Riders on the Storm campaign motto: Vote early, vote often!
And may my candidate win!