The ED! Page

The Official ED! FAQ

Below is the most recent version of the ED! FAQ. Thank you to all who submitted questions. We have received quite a few questions so far, but we still need your help. Please send all of your questions, no matter how big or small, how normal or twisted, to mork@vcn.bc.ca with the subject 'ED! FAQ'. Keep checking this page for the latest updates.

: How does it feel to be Ed?
Sometimes.

: What is Ed?
It's commonly believed to be a greenish berry, but it's all a lie!

: When did you first realize you were Ed?
Well, I went to this big convention and they were handing out name tags and guess what mine said? Right! "ED!"

: What do you think about the future of Ed?
It looks kind of like a pinecone, yet completely different.

: Tell me a bit about Ed.
Okay, no problem.

: Ed, can I ask you how?
Only if it makes you happy.

: What's your favorite thing to do when you're camping?
Trade jokes with the lake.

: How do you win 6,000 air miles?
Buy a heck of a lot of Spam.

: What is Ed composed of?
No.

: What does Ed enjoy doing?
Well, when I get up in the morning, and I get up, I get out of bed and I try to look for some something and if I get up and I'm looking for some something I try to find it and then sometimes after that, I'll sometimes try to find some something else if I have time.

: How many Eds are in existence?
There's only one true Ed.

: Where did Ed come from?
Well, there's this place, and then in this place they have some somethings, and sometimes these somethings, like, swirl together and sometimes if these somethings swirl together they like swirl around together and then sometimes they make these somethings and once these somethings were swirling together and they made this something and then it was one particularly special something, so for this something they decided they'd have to give it a name and since it was a particularly majestic something they decided to call this something Ed.

: Do you enjoy being Ed?
Sometimes it's hard, because everyone look up to you as an example so you have to be perfect in everything you do, but that's not really all that bad because I was born perfect anyway.

: What advice does Ed have for the world?
In everything you do, strive to do everything in a way which is.

: What is Ed's opinion on Spam?
Well, one neat thing about Spam is that every part of it is the same; there's no core or peel so you don't have to spit any of it out, or keep any pieces in a jar. I think one way they can improve it is by making rainbow Spam, because then you could have a new and fulfilling experience every time you open a can.

: Is Ed solid, liquid or gas for the most part?
Depends totally on what I'm eating.

: Does Ed have human feelings?
Well, sometimes when the things that swirl swirl together, they swirl together in shapes like feelings and since I was the perfect combination of swirly things when I was swirled together I got himan emotions, but I also got more developed emotions such as those of a platypus.

: What's Ed's favorite color?
Well, one thing mose people don't seem to understand is that in the land of the somethings that swirl we have colors that humans can't see, like the color gerflK, which is my favorite color.

: Does Ed have any supernatural powers?
Well, I have been known to be very good at opening and closing safety pins with the power of my mind. And I also have the power to invent other powers in case I get bored, like the power to make peanuts turn into large, sea-dwelling creatures.

: Now Ed, what's the deal with the safety pins?
When you get up in the morning and you're a person that was made from the swirly somethings and then when you get up, you need some way to keep in contact with the land of the swirly things. But that's not the safety pins-- I have no idea what they're for.

: How many pins do you have?
As many as it takes.

: What's Ed's most diabolical scheme?
Once I was going to invent the power to take over the world, but I was too tired because it was late.

: Ed, tell me about cheese. . .
Most people think cheese is just a brick of old milk, but they are actually highly intelligent beings from another land. Not the land of the swirly somethings, but the land of the bouncing nothings.

: Ed?
Sometimes, but a lot of times it just doesn't work out like it should and the whole thing just falls apart.

: What does tofu mean to you?
It's white, it's tasteless, and it's not much for conversation.

: How does Ed plan to create world peace?
I think world peace is a dumb idea because if everyone's all eaceful and one guy get's mad, he could take over the world realy wasily and then we'd all have to listen to him and he could makes us do anything he wants, like wash his dishes.

: Does Ed know Bo?
Why would I want to?

: Has Ed ever thought about renaming himself?
Yeah, but when the swirly somethings were swirling together they called me Ed, so I really didn't have a say in the matter because if you want to be perfect you have to have the perfect name.

: What's Ed's favorite moment in history?
The time when the pomegranates took over the world using nothing but will power-- that inspired me!

: Does Ed know any other famous perosnalities?
I used to know the guy that invented the electric cheese grater, but I forgot.

: Could you run around in circles for me like a chicken with its head cut off?
Yes.

: What's Ed's favorite polka tune?
Hmmm... practically anything with a good accordian solo.

: What's Ed's goal in life?
To make the world a better place so when I dies the world will go back to being really lame and I can have a good laugh at everyone's expense.

: Is it true you're forming a cult around yourself?
Yeah, it started out as a group of heavily armed radicals, but it's gradually evolving into a more civilized Ed-following organization.

: If you were a banana and lived on the planet of the apes, would you be scared?
Sometimes, but most likely I'd be such a wonderfully perfect banana that none of the apes would be able to bring themselves to eat me.

: Does Ed have any pearls of wisdom to share with us?

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