Wrote this waiting to get my schedule done at NCC. (If I can read my handwriting.)

It seems Tony and I have different ways of holding on. He, acording to what he tells me, has most of "my" stuff on the wall by his bed. My picture, the picture I drew him with the poem, the poster he got in NYC with me, and a small drawing I made him for Christmas - a red rose (white was too hard to do with dip-inks) with an inscription: "To love someone is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten." I love that quote. Not only is it true, but Tony did that for me in the worst parts of my life in Plattsburgh - and the quote sounds like the end to my first poem Closed Gates - he loved the ending of it.

He says that little inscription is the last thing he reads before he sleeps.

And me - most surrounds my bed, too. First, I sleep with the little Doane tiger he gave me. The dream catcher he gave me hangs right over my pillow. Then there's the nice warm blanket Adam (Tony's little bro) gave me for Christmas. Tony and I curled up under that blanket many times. Now I sleep with it, usually with it over my legs since my nightgown's short.

It's odd. Missing him hits me mostly at night. Does it hit because I have all these things around, or do all these things somehow comfort me? I think its the latter. But I think thats the point - I'm starting to feel again, and not just at night. I was on the phone with Di and, for no reason, I got this major wave of lonliness, of missing him. Was like being out waist-deep in water at Jones Beach and getting knocked about by a wave. Least the undertow didn't get me.

I do miss him horribly, but there's no depression attached this time. Its more of a . . . sad happiness. Sounds odd, I know, but thats what it feels like. I miss him, but I'm glad we had that time. I wouldn't trade the time for anything (except major full RL time together) and remembering only makes me smile.

Gods, when I put it like that, it sounds like we broke up :P

But I'm doing alright. The time it catches up to me is when I go to bed - it feels so lonely to sleep without him pressed against my back with his arm around my stomach, or just plained snuggled tightly against him. It's ridiculous how lonely it is. It's like being lost.

Its amazing how much you can love and miss someone you've spent less than a single RL month with :P 14 months together or not.

Okay!! I know most of you are waiting for a review of Nebraska :) You can find it here.

--Sare