Basil Blue's Coming Out

Welcome to my discussion on closets. Most of my closets contain towels, travel bags, shoes, linens and cottons, and a thin layer of dust and lint, but one or two contain skeletons and women - er, at least my sexual attraction to women.

Besides being little and playing with my friends, my earliest memory of being really attracted to a girl was when I had just turned seventeen. When I was sixteen (and in later years), I kissed a couple girls, which was okay, but the personal chemistry wasn't very strong. Then I met Jenna. She was in my French class at community college, and she was beautiful. She lived in Berkeley, and she was a model. She was also older: I was a high school student concurrently enrolled in college, she was turning twenty - which seemed much older and much more sophisticated to me!

I had trouble talking to her and looking at her, even though all we were doing was talking in class about French exercises! Then she invited me to come along with her friends and boyfriend to the beach, and then overnight at her place. I accepted, told my boyfriend all about it (we'd already had several discussions about Jenna), and set off, hoping for a romantic encounter. To make a short story shorter, nothing happened. I did get mixed signals from Jenna, as I've received from a lot of women! (Are they really straight, or are they just scared?!)

I had other crushes on women who self-identified as "straight." These crushes usually culminated in them flirting with me, us having an occasion of physical connection, and then them backing off back into their straight identity. These encounters confirmed for me that the attraction I felt for some women was more than platonic.

The first person I talked to about this attraction was my junior&senior year boyfriend. That was easy. But my first coming out was to a small group of my friends. I remember being extremely nervous, even scared. I needn't have worried. They were wonderful and supporting four years ago, and they still are today. (Except for my best friend, who is Christian and lets others interpret her Bible for her.)

I also came out to different family members. One of my sisters has been the best sister in the world! She is very supportive and accepting. My sexual orientation doesn't really make a difference to my youngest sister, which I think is cool.

Because I've never had a steady girlfriend, my mother has been able to tell herself that this is just a really long phase of mine!

As for my uncle, I came out to him years ago, but I think he doesn't really get it. I don't think he understands how I can be married and queer, or that people who aren't gay or lesbian would have to come out too. I think I am most disappointed in my uncle, because he claims to support gays and lesbians (he thinks in duality, not multiplicity), he seems embarassed about it too, and I've never heard him be vocal.

So for me, as for many people, coming out is not a discrete event; it occurs over and over again. As a student and a wife, this is especially true for me.

Unlike people who can come out at work and be done coming out until they change jobs, I have different classes each semester. This means I would have to come out to each class each semester, which I usually choose not to do.

Before I moved to Berkeley, and before I got married, I was more motivated to come out. As a married woman, people don't expect me to be queer, so there is rarely a casual time to come out. Plus, many don't understand why a woman married to a man would consider herself queer. If you're wondering this too, please read Why, as a married woman, my bisexuality is relevant. I'm less motivated to come out is because I get all the alienation of being queer, but none of the rewards, because I'm concerned it could negatively affect my children, my husband, and me.

But now the nitty-gritty:

Out of the Closet

• my community college speech class. I came out during my speech about sexuality (bi, homo, het). It took some serious thinking for me to come out to my class. I knew, even without coming out, I had put together a powerful speech that would have people thinking, would surprise them with people they thought were het who actually were not.

  Still I knew most stereotypes exist because only stereotypical queers are visible. To break the stereotypes and the prejudice the *invisible* among us must come out. I knew I could challenge many incorrect beliefs by coming out, because I look *normal* and *straight* (you know, I don't have a butch cut, or drive a pick-up LOL)!

  I was pleased by the class reaction. No one said anything negative, and no one treated me differently, unless it was with more respect. One girl thanked me for talking about the Bible (read Bible and Homosexuality) because the Bible was important to her. Another woman came to me after class and thanked me. She said she had attractions to women, but had never told anyone, not even her husband.

  My speech was a success, and I felt wonderful doing it.

• my two siblings, who are younger than me. They are supportive.

• my mother, who basically ignores it and pretends I've been going through a seven-year (and counting!) phase.

• my uncle, who is understanding - after all, he likes women too! (I was disappointed that he wouldn't sign my (old) guest book with his real name. What's up with that?!)

• my husband, who supports me while finding it difficult to support my desires for women - because those desires exclude him.

• all my important ex-boyfriends. They have all been supportive, and several have even come out to me as bi.

• almost all my friends. They have all been supportive. In fact, several women friends of mine decided to get *curious* with me! (What does that mean? Go see Okay Basil, are you a Virgin?) So all my friends I told were accepting and supportive, except my best friend, who is Christian and believes it's wrong to have sexual relations with your same sex. But she still loves me!

• my son's preschool director. She was very supportive.

• some people at UC-Berkeley.
• all of you! Thank you for visiting my home! Thank you, those of you who have signed my guest book, for your comments. I am always open to being challenged and disagreed with, but I must admit the support has touched my heart and made this site worth the work.

In the Closet

• my father or his wife. They're Latter-day Saints (Mormon) and my dad worries about me as it is! He would probably be fine with it, but I just don't feel like going there... My dad and I didn't speak for three years, because we used to fight when I was younger. We began talking sometime around August 1997, so we're still getting comfortable with each other again.

• my grandparents. But I did show my grammy my web page (before I added the info. about myself). She obviously knows this topic is important to me, so she could extrapolate - but she didn't ask me about my orientation.

• my husband's parents. I've got enough in-law stuff to deal with without telling them this!

• parents of my son's friends. I don't want my son to bear the brunt of my orientation and choices.
  If I had a girlfriend, however, I would certainly be proud to introduce her as my girlfriend.

Closet Cleaning

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