2000
July:
Female adopter to a mother who lost her child to adoption:
"I adopted a child. I've tried and tried to get her to find her . . . mother but she won't. I told her that she got her Lupus from her . . . mother and she should find her to see what other terrible things she got from her."
Would anyone reading this page want yourself to be thought of as nothing but the carrier of "terrible things" that someone could get from you?
June:
This is a thread of comversation between two adopters at alt.adoption. BM is short for "birth mother."
Two adopters:
Female:
">> There is nothing that smells
>> worse than a BM meltdown."
Male:
"> this isn't quite true. Melena
> smells MUCH worse."
Female:
"I guess dead people do too."
Same female adopter's response to two women who've lost their children to adoption (from alt.adoption)
Female adopter:
"Wow, you MPDs can even entertain yourselves. Cool."
Same female adopter(from alt.adoption) about a mother who lost her daughter to adoption.
Female adopter:
"Wonder if her imaginary daughter rolls over and plays dead when they are together . . . I hear one of her personalities thinks she's a birthmother. The jury is still out for me. I was not around alt.a when all the contradicting *facts* were given about her alleged child's birth. Only her manicurist knows for sure."
I know the woman being attacked, personally. She did lose her daughter to adoption. We've been invalidated as the mothers of our children for decades. I'm sure this adopter knows full well how painful it is for her to further invalidate the mother like this.
Same female adopter(from alt.adoption) responding to a mother who lost her daughter to adoption.
Female adopter:
Mother:
"[she] repeatedly denigrates, insults, denies, kicks and bats natural moms, and comes up with clever lines like 'I've got the kids'."
Adopter:
"that last line was part of our old joke. I pull it out only for you. What happened to you sense of humor? I don't know where you get the idea that I hate bmoms "
I get the same feeling, from her own words. In another post she refers to us as "birthers." Rubbing a woman's nose in the fact that you have her kids, is very cruel, but for these adopters it was a running joke.
May:
These are the ranting of an anonymous proadoption person. I think it's significant that they write these things anonymously. It shows their cowardous; their closed mindedness, and their addiction to secrecy so promoted by adoption. It also demonstrates what adoption secrecy can conceal.
Proadoption Coward:
"My complaint about Adoption: Legalized Lies
There are people I indisputably despise. They lack morals, character, and honesty. They inflict untold misery, suffering, and distress. There are a number of reasons Adoption: Legalized Lies isn't telling us as to why it wants to make a big deal out of nothing. [the loss of our children is nothing?] In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, [I really didn't see this happen in this post to my guestbook, nothing even close to that promise. Did you?]
Even without the impudent ideology of metagrobolism in the picture, we can still say that there is something grievously wrong with those mephitic deviants who play on people's conscious and unconscious belief structures. Shame on the lot of them! Adoption: Legalized Lies's ramblings are in every respect consistent with the school of bestial thought that tends to lure the mudslinging into Adoption: Legalized Lies's camp. [We do get a lot of mud slung at us, such as this posting, but I don't really see as as mudslingers.] Untrustworthy pickpockets (especially the worthless type) can go right ahead and convict me [Yikes! Does this person sound a a little odd to you? He/she does to me.] for saying that Adoption: Legalized Lies spews out so many falsehoods, distortions, and half-truths, that rebuttal requires some lengthy documentation, but History, acting as the goddess of a higher truth and a higher justice, will one day smilingly tear up this verdict, acquitting me of all guilt and blame. By next weekend, Adoption: Legalized Lies's lies will be exposed and the truth can be spread. [That week has come and gone.] Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Adoption: Legalized Lies.
Following this line of logic, [Did I miss something?] it would appear that you shouldn't let Adoption: Legalized Lies intimidate you. You shouldn't let it push you around. We're the ones who are right, not it. Accordingly, Adoption: Legalized Lies's reports epitomize pessimism in its truest form.[We are optomistic that most of society will be open to the truth.] If you don't believe me, see for yourself. A final note: Adoption: Legalized Lies has nothing but contempt for responsibility, duty, and honor."
Our responsibility and duty to treat others as we would like them to treat us? How many people would like to have someone take your child and call it their own? Honor? I just don't see any honor in pretending to be the parent of someone else's child.
Yes, please accept this person's invitation and visit Adoption: Legalized Lies
APRIL:
Adoptee:
"I know nothing about my . . . parents, and I don't want to know about them. I have no desire whatsoever to have contact with them. This is not out of bitterness or fear of hurting my adoptive . . . I am a well adjusted person, thanks t my [adopters] who raised me. Just because a woman gives birth does not mean she will be a good mother."
Just because a person adopts doesn't mean they're parents or that they are good at raising kids.
Adoptee:
". . . if it were not for this [adoption] alot of people would not be able to have children. Me being one of them . . . I am no long r able to carry or produce children. This is hard for me to understand that you would want to hurt those people out their that could give a child anything their heart desired. I am ashamed to even be called a human being after readign this site. Please stop hurting others!"
This woman should be ashamed of herself for wanted to deprive a family of each other, just because she is infertile.
Entry for my guestbook:
"I must say I'm shocked by what I've seen here . . . Some "parents" out there . . . do so much damage to their children. There are millions of loving, well-adjusted adults in the world who are unable to conceive on their own and would value the chance to provide these children with loving, stable homes."
Not so much insulting as stereotypical. Parnts are human and come in good and bad. Infertile people presentely only as "loving," "well-adjusted," and "stable."
Anonymous entry for my guestbook answering the question: What Would You Like to See Here:
"Absolutely nothing, or an apology for all the people you have offended!"
I don't understand how opposing the separation of family members could be offensive. However, I do understand why so many pro-adoption people say such offensive things to me. They've built their fantasy lives on lies, and I don't help them keep those lies alive.
Entry for Adoption: Legalized Lies guestbook:
"You sound very angry, all of you, who have put together this little project . . . I get the impression that you are hurt from being abandoned, and you are intitled to your feelings, but direct it correctly . . . My advise is let this pass, look at today and what your life has to offer . . . it takes a sad person to hate this much."
Well of course, we're angry. We lost our children and our real parents. We don't deny our anger the way these people whose angry quotes I've place here on this page do. Acknowledging my pain was decent, but then she/he suggests pretty much that I "get on with my life" just as us moms were adviced to do back when we first lost our children. It didn't happen. We tried, and it doesn't work. About sad people hating this much -- I hope you will understand that about the rude comments on this page.
MARCH:
I think by posting their rude comments on this page, I am successfully discouraging them from sending them to me. I received no insults from the proadoption factions in March.
FEBRUARY:
Potential adopter:
"You tell of your unfortunate story and others that the mother were misinformed and pushed to put their children up for adoption. This may be true some of the time but most of the time it is not the case. Most of the time it is out of pure lack of education and maturity. If you are to young or to poor, then maby we shouldn't be sleeping around."
This is what adopters tell themselves to justify calling our children their own. I was old enough to have a baby, in fact, I was doing a fine job of raising my first born. I was not poor, and I was not sleeping around. This woman's assumptions are called prejudice.
Hit and run guestbook signer:
"You're so closed-minded & ignorant!"
JANUARY:
Potential Adopter:
". . . about your giving your daughter away, it seems so painful. I am a female who is struggling with infertility problems, and my never be able to have a genetic child. Their for I am thankful about adoption . . . It is a big responsibilty to have your own genetic child but an even biger one to have someone elses child . . . The only thing that makes me really mad is how much it cost to adopt for these children . . . their out of reach for the average person . . . You are a great person to realize you were unable to take care of your child and wanted her to have a better chance in life."
I knew I was able to take care of my daughter. I was fooled into thinking that I shouldn't take care of her. It's a misconception that we thought we couldn't take care of them. The whole idea was, basically, that we shouldn't.
She would have had a great life with me. Why does everyone assume that adoptees would have had a bad life with their mothers? It's a false assumption based on negative stereotypes of us moms who've lost our children to adoption.
And if I'm such a great person for losing my daughter to adoption, why am I treated with such contempt and hatred?
Adoptee:
"Boy are you one sick woman. I'm adopted and I think your daughter is lucky she escaped from you. I haven't found my ...mother, and your page makes me want to stop looking and get myself a contact veto just in case she's an insane harpy like you."
Could the extreme rudeness of this adoptee have something to do with being adopted?
Another adoptee:
"This site makes me sick. How can you outlaw adoption when it is giving the adoptee a better life. My . . . mom was too young . . . I DO NOT consider her my mom. She carried me in her womb for nine months but . . . . adoptive . . . have given me a better life than she ever could have . . . I am 18 years old and am about to search for my . . . mother."
This adoptee made many assumptions about his/her mother before he/she even met her. When people form negative opinions about people they don't know anything about, those are called prejudices.
1999
DECEMBER:
Received the following right after Christmas on my birthday:
"You need to get a life, you have been wallowing in self pity to be thinking that you are okay as a person. You have some problems, some very disturbing problems. Yes you are the mother the "carrier" that is it. you said you will always no matter how long you were separated, i cannot believe you have morals like that, what are you scum? .... grow up, come back to reality, you are an evil woman with no heart. You shouldn't have had three other boys, why did you keep them? you messed up, and you can never repair the hurt you have caused."
Foster Care Provider about the Parents of a child she has:
"I used to tell the [child's] family that they could only give one gift . . . which by the way were always crappy. I said they had to buy for all my kids, just like our family had to buy for all our kids . . . just another frustration we have to put up with"
It is rude to demand that people buy gifts for your children. Just as it is rude to prevent parents from buying gifts for their own children and cruel to deny a child gifts from their parents. This person should try to understand the frustration of someone keeping your children from you.
Foster Care Provider:
"Here we go again......... All of you that were here last Christmas remember the problem I had with my f/s getting presents from his parents. Well they are at it again."
NOVEMBER:
Prospective Adopter:
"I totally agree with my husband when he says anyone who gives up their kids has a problem. He says they have no responsibility and no goal in life. And a women that has sex has to know the consequences of the outcome. You are not lying to a child, by not telling them about their parents. Their parents obviously do not want the child or the child would not be up for adoption. I guess she went looking for you, I don't believe it was for anything other than curiosity. [Her adopter] experienced all of those joys, not you. She is one of them, not one of you. Why go on messing with her mind, what do you have in common? She needs to know who she is, and a part of you is not what she needs to know. What you call lying, we call protecting. Maybe you need to think about this and for the second time in your life you are starting to disturb a child?"
Adoptee who thinks mothers who've lost their children to adoption should be referred to as 'cow mothers':
She takes great delight in mocking mothers who've lost their children to adoption and the pain of that loss. She prattles on about not getting a "Ballerina Barbie when I was six" and suggests that we mothers only miss our children for a few days then forget about them. She insinuates that most of us are illiterate, junkie prostitutes. In her opinion, mothers who've lost their children to adoption are not looking for their children because they've never stopped loving them but because they want their children to heal them.
This is the same mult-personalitied adoptee quoted in October. She posts to alt.adoption, in guestbooks, and sends email flames by several different names and personalities. She changes the names, age, and sex of the different identities she assumes, but her writing style, word choice, key phrases, and the tone of her writing never change. She would be an ideal poster child for an anti-adoption group because of her anger towards and hatred of mothers who've lost their children to adoption and because of her inappropriate behavior.
Adopter to another adopter:
"Get your caseworker on your side. Make that Mother look like a Saint. Then blind side her, she won't know what hit her. That is how you get the information out of the mothers. When I had to be NICE to [the] girls mothers I just about died inside, but once the termination was over, I just told her what a piece of crap she was. I don't know your whole story. But, I too will pray for you and hope that you get to keep [her] child."
What's cruel about the following words is that they're provided AFTER the adoption by this social worker:
"Placing your child in an adoptive home is most likely the hardest thing you will ever do. The pain you feel is real and will not disappear. I have spoken with you several times since . . . about post adoption counseling. I understand that you are angry . . . and that maybe you need to seek counseling . . . find a good . . . counselor and support group. You need to share your grief . . . It is not healthy for you . . . you are having such a difficult time with this. Pam, you did a good thing."
Adopter:
". . . MAYBE it is hurtful to the mothers to think about them giving up their child...but most all of them made the consious decision to have sex . . . and this is the legacy they must now live with." [emphasis mine]
OCTOBER:
Adoptee:
"[you] will NEVER get taken seriously by anyone but a few nutcases like you ...so, have fun wasting your time! {big hugs}"
Adopter:
She demonstrates not only the anger and hatred adoption instills even in adopters, but that it's not about caring for children -- it's about what the adopter needs from the child:
"your dream that someone who raises a child should be content to call themselves "guardians," hell will freeze over."
In other words, she would not care for these children if she could not call herself their mother. What is it like to grow up with that kind of condition hanging over your head?
"There are words for people like you, but I don't use them You are so damn self centered that you think the world revolves around you You made the decision you made the decision, you made the decision, you made the decision to relinquish, and you had 6 goddam months to change your mind. You are immoral, selfish, and immature. -- you are a self centered immature bitch, and that child was LUCKY you didn't raise her. I repeat, hell will freeze over . . . I repeat--you are a self centered immature bitch, and that child was LUCKY you didn't raise her. You are such a fake . . . your ridiculous.. . . you are such a nutcase . . . every vile birthmother stereotype."
Another Adopter:
". . . you relinquished because society thought this was what you should do? I find this unbelievable.......and an excuse made by yourself for your guilt in relinquishing your child . . . I read and post on [alt.adoption]
I am still dealing with the guilt in therapy. Therapists have suggested that I made the only decision available with what little (and biased) information I had at the time. People like this adopter make if very hard to forgive yourself for the loss of your child. I knew she'd continue to be rude when I read that she posts at alt.adoption.
I am an [adopter]. I married a man whose wife died and they had adopted a child. When we married, I adopted [her]. She was 18 months old . . . I have a son (biological) who is a birthfather. I supported [his adoption choice] . . . And I can tell you that I would be very angry to think that twenty-some years from now they would blame me . . . for the relinquishment of their daughter. It was their decision.
I see. She's feeling guilty about her part in aiding her son to give away her granddaughter, and I make that guilt more apparent.
I am not trying to villianize all birthmothers . . . I don't believe birthmothers are deviant. I only believe that you are. What a hypocrite you are."
One adoptee is responsible for all these comments. She needs help:
"Those evil adopters tried to honor a member of their family by naming THEIR daughter (oh, oops, I mean YOUR daughter -- He He he) after her. They should have had the decency to name her after the Cousin whose husband nailed you . . . you an unwed girl who sleeps with relatives..."
"I, too, am a birthmother who had my three children stolen from me in 1979. At that time, I was a prostitute and on heroine around the clock. My children were not fed on a regular basis, and they were nude most of the time because I forgot to buy them clothing. Also, some of my tricks used to kick them and burn them with cigarettes. My two youngest children just sat on the concrete floor, naked, rocking in the fetal position. Yes, I used to beat them with frying pans, but the pain of adoption must be far worse for them than the pain of cigarette butt burns and forced sex with men who wanted to do them along with me. They had no right to steal my children's heritage. I loved my children deeply, and now I am so afraid I will never see them again. My, how the "system" has cheated them."
"I have often entertained the thought of engaging in a little serial killing here and there . . . always wondered why I wanted so badly to slash someone's throat, disembowel them, and smear their blood on a wall and write "Scum Pigs Must Die." I guess this also explains why I used to strangle cats and run over puppies with the lawnmower."
"I am an adoptee and I have often fallen victim to so many cruel statements. For instance, I still remember the day when I was 9 that my adopters told me that I was adopted. Like some kind of puppy or kitten from the Humane Shelter. I cried and cried and cried for days. Or how about the time they told me that they couldn't pay my tuition to Harvard. Or what about the time they just GAVE me my Original Birth Certificate and Adoption Decree?? . . . government PROOF that your're not REALLY our child."
"I am an adoptive mother, and I take great offense at your website. The children . . . are not the children of the incubator who gave birth to them. I will never allow my children to search out their birthmothers, nor would I forgive them for doing so. I paid alot of money in attorney's fees to adopt them, and I expect exclusive parenting because of it. The sluts who squeezed them out should just get on with their lives. They are lucky that we adoptive parents are there to save the little bastards they bring into the world through their trashy lifestyle and promiscuous behavior. You should be ashamed to even mention that you had a baby, much less have the audacity to post this filth on the internet about bringing adoption to an end. How else are people supposed to get children if they can't conceive??? We haven't told our children that they are adopted, and we never will knowing that somewhere out there is some woman who wants to reclaim MY children. I'm the one who wiped their asses, bitch, not you..."
"... I refuse to call my adopters my "parents" because they are not. DUH! I was just your f***ing Norman Rockwell Fantasy Painting wasn't I *MOMMMY* and *DADDY*?? -- my REAL mother. Just because she was a prostitute who was beat up by her pimp (my birthfather) and was burned by his cigarettes is no excuse for stealing me." [I edited the obscenity]
SEPTEMBER:
Someone from AOL:
"You should tell the sluts to stop spreading their legs. Than we would have less unwanted children in the world. You should do that instead of whining on your website."
JULY:
"sick And twisted you are sick! Sick and wrong. I don't feel like being friendly! This is disgusting. What a sick site"
July 20
"As an adoptee . . . the vitrol you spill. I feel so sorry for those around you, including your daughter and other children . . . That "society expected it" is bull of ripe, I must say....society didn't have anything to do with a teenage slut making a choice to give her child away. I pity you so much. Even my maternal birth mother has to say that it was her fault . . . we do not have an evolving friendship. I feel so sorry for you . . . move on from here . . . I do feel so sorry for you, you are just so pitiful."
I don't know what a "maternal birth mother" is. Do you think she's being honest when she says she feels sorry for me?
July 21
". . . you seem a sadder and more pitiful human being than ever. Your daughter is so blessed to have been able to be raised by normal people. I pity your other children even more than I pity you."
My daughter was raise by normal people but in an abnormal situation.
JUNE:
Some one actually sent this to a mother who lost her daughter to dishonest adopters who reneged on an open adoption agreement that she was forced into to begin with:
"You spend more time on this computer than you do caring for the children you are parenting. Kind of proves that you don't deserve to be a parent, don't you think?? Your first child is the lucky one because she has loving [adopters] rather than having been stuck with a slutty teenaged mom."
This person's thinking is so distorted. The recipient of this abuse isn't "parenting" some children. She is raising her children; her own children -- she is their mother. She should be raising her oldest child, too. What those adopters did was unscrupulous. And, what this person wrote is cruel. This is what adoption does to people.
". . . you are the sickest person out there girl." [email from some stranger]
"You come across as a very bitter and unforgiving person . . . there are truely sad cases of unjust adoptions, but yours is not one of them . . . let go and go on . . ." [email from some stranger]
Forget about her and get on with my life -- that's exactly what I was expected to do in 1968. It didn't work then, and it's not going to work now.
. . . most people would prefer not to allow someone like you into theirs [private forum], therefore would respond negatively in your guestbook.
Someone like me? What does that mean? And, why would not wanting me in their lives cause them to make negative comments in my guestbook?
They don't want me in their 'forums' but they have no qualms about invading mine. They can go to a discussion board or newsgroup. My guest book is not the appropriate place for "negative" comments about me. And, it is never appropriate to say the mean things referred to by this person.
"And those who do email you privately probably do not want their words published by you . . ."
I'm sure they WOULD prefer that their rudeness not be made public.
"You threw your child away because you were not a strong enough person to handle the situation."
This is a very cruel thing to say and was obviously intentionally cruel. I did not throw my child away, but, as this person knows, the guilt of choosing adoption is tremendous - and she used that knowledge to try and hurt me the best way she knew how. This is what adoption does to people.
It took a lot more strength to live with the adoption than it would have taken to raise my daughter. I chose adoption because I actually believed that it was "the right thing to do" and "in the best interest of" my daughter. I was wrong -- not lacking in strength.
This was in my guestbook when I got back from a camping trip with my husband; it was signed on June 20, 1999:
"You can't seem to cope with the choices that you have made . . ."
That is exactly what I'm trying to warn, adoption is something that mothers cannot cope with.
"I have an [adoptee] she . . . talks with her . . . mother every Sunday..unless she forgets to call . . . I let her now that if she ever did it again she would lose contact all together..I wouldn't let her talk to her then..."
This kind of possessive control lorded over mothers would make adoption even more painful.
Another person signed this on June 18, 1999:
"It is not society's fault . . . it is your fault . . . You can't blame society for something that you . . . decided to do . . . If I am reading your story correctly, you were not raped . . . Bad moral choices lead to bad consequences . . . hard decisions that must be made."
More guilt heaped on someone trying to deal with that guilt in therapy.
Within a few hours after I removed that comment, I found the following in my guestbook on June 21, 1999:
"U R so sick! What a slut..."
This is the kind of rude, unacceptable behavior that adoption can generate in people! Of course, this person did not leave an email address as is often the case with people who put rude things in my guestbook. I think this person was very angry that his/her cruel comments were removed and no longer available to hurt me.
anonymous coward June 27, 1999
"As the [adopter] of an adopted adult, your pages upset me greatly . . . any sicko can get on the Internet . . . her . . . mother gave her up once, and does not deserve the privelege of knowing her after we have done the work of raising her . . . If you want to live in a socialistic or communistic society where you think you will be better supported, by all means move there." "How dare you minimize adoption . . . Take responsibility for your decisions and go on." [emphasis mine]
SPRING:
This woman is speaking of parents who lose their children to adoption:
"I think all pigs like these need to have their dirty laundry aired so they know that the whole world know the piGS they are . . ."
Guestbook entry from an anonymous adopter. I'm not even going to explain these remarks. You all know such things are said with the intention of hurting someone. And, you all know that anyone who tries to intentionally hurt another has some serious emotional problems. How sad for the child or children she has adopted.
"What a self-centered, angry approach to the world. Seek counseling. Immediately! . . . seems like bitterness and blame . . . bitterness isn't attractive except to other bitter people."
The following quotes were sent to me in an email. The author is an adopter and a foster care provider.
"FOR crying out loud, these aren't your garden variety kids! THEY have major quirks! . . . I put a lock on the outside . . . so [child] didn't empty the refrigerator . . . WELL, it didn't hurt him! and he soon learned . . . O' this was a HOOT! She was 6 feet tall, 12 and had a shoe fettish I guess! WIERD kid! . . . SHE got it into her head she wanted WHITE sandels . . . I was REALLY HOT! -- TOLD her I was leaving, and didn't much care if SHE left or not ..... REALLY didn't I was thinking if I could get to the car and get it in gear I'd be GONE!!! She wasn't entirely stupid . . . otherwise she'd been left . . . If that ''''crap'''' is CHILDREN'S rights then they'd better find someone else to raise the kids . . . the state can just bloody well come and get the kid in a heartbeat! . . . I would ALSO have the right to defend myself and beat the heck out of the kid . . . had I not had the ability LEGAL and otherwise to restrain her . . . I'd say COME and get those kids and lock them up . . . like I said ..it has to be in the GENES . . . Some of our adopted kids had these bad genes . . . I firmly thought you couldn't say that just because a kid had a nutty mom she'd grow up to be a NUT! [However] As she hit puberty -- she went NUTS!"
1998
[from a message board for adopters]
[A mother who loses her child to adoption can never replace that child no matter how many subsequent children she has. This is how easy it is for adopters to replace our children with someone else's child]:
"It has been [only] two months now [since the child's mother decided to keep him] . . . We are moving on and hope to have a new addition in a few months!"
"It took us only a couple of weeks after our second set of twins was lost."
"3 months laters we were [adopters] of a 3 1/2mo. old baby"
"3 weeks later we were selected to [rear] a 5-day old baby"
"Losing a child before it's placed with you is like a still-birth. And losing a child after it's been with you for any length of time, a weekend, an hour, three months...how could anyone put any family through these things?"
[Adopters can -- they put the child's mother and entire family through these things with every adoption. How does she think the children's mothers feel about losing them?]
"And what about the children? Is . . . disruption really in their best interest?"
[What about the disruption of taking the child from her natural family and the mother she's come to know during pregnancy? Adopters think that disruption in a child's life is just fine.]
"I can direct you to a really good agency that seems to really get babies for thier clients . . . newborns only, and almost all are in good health."
[Rejection of older children and unhealthy babies. Not exactly the altruist adopter stereotype that everyone believes in.]
"Of course I was devastated . . . that the bm's parents could let this happen, and I blame them"
[First, the term "bm" for the mother of the child is very offensive and represents the way adopters dehumanize us in order to call our children their own. Second, those are the baby's grandparents she's talking about.]
"Our [adopted child's mother], a sweet but very confused teenager, had no means of raising this child."
[Exemplifies how adoption, with the full knowledge of adopters, preys on the misfortunes of the children's mothers instead of helping them -- not to mention their possessive terminology about her.]
"We, too, went through this in June with the [mother] reclaiming our son 12 days after he was in our home."
[HER SON! She was reclaiming HER son, not this adopter's son. They were the ones trying to take a child from his parent.]
". . . his [mom] changed her mind while in the hospital. She alread had 3 kids at home . . . The third time . . . She actually went home with her mother . . ."
[Do adopters think that women with 3 children have no right to their 4th child? And, can you imagine anything more incredible than a baby going home from the hospital with his mother? There is something terribly wrong with this thinking.]
"I can't imagine anything worse than having to gather up a child, all the toys, blankets and clothes, and give everything back to a [mother] who'd changed her mind."
[Try imagining giving up your own flesh and blood.]
"when you are capable of having bio kids . . . Very few aquaintences seem to understand . . . our reasons . . . no big desire for pregnancy"
[What more can I add to that callous remark?]
"I think no matter how you decide to do it [adoption] there will be problems . . . Our youngest daughter was 16yrs. old . . . jealousy reared it's ugly head not long after we brought our adopted [boy] home. There were times when I felt she would always resent him . . . adoption is one of the greatest and most fulfilling things you can ever hope to do"
[Great and fulfilling for who? the jealous daughter? the resented adoptee? the mother who lost her son?]
"it's an uphill battle if the . . . father wants the chance to parent"
[I can't imagine how they justify 'battling' with a father over his own child. How can they think they have more right to a child than the child's own parent?]
[from newsgroup: alt.adoption]
"$25,000 U.S. is on the high end of an adoption from China, but not outrageously so. Personally, I'd rather spend my 25 thou on an adoption than on a Miata. I couldn't even get half a Corvette for that amount."
The following quotes are from an email to me from someone I never met:
"I'm thankful I wasn't condemed to a life of poverty and welfare."
This woman told me she has never met her parents and has no info about them at all. This statement reflects the narrow-minded, stereotypical attitude that all mothers who've lost their children to adoption are poverty stricken and on welfare. Like other stereotypes, it's simply not true.
"THE ONES WHO PRODUCED ME . . . are only a sperm doner & enqubator to me"
Again as always, I copied and pasted her comments.
"as an adult adoptee its people like you who sicken me. Try thinking about someone besides yourself. You are so full of hate & anger"
I think I'd have to classify this last statement as projection. Her own hatred and anger are obvious in her words. I'd like to add that the correspondence was initiated by the adoptee.
This is from an entry to my guestbook:
I think it not only exemplifies the prejudice against women who've lost their children to adoption but the amount of misdirected anger exhibited by many of the people affected by adoption. I also think her comments are more appropriate here than in my guestbook.
What don't you like about my page?: ". . . The spelling errors. The poor grammar."
What would you like to see more of here?: "Clarity for you."
"Thanx for the invitation to read your story. As an adoptee, it brought me greater awareness of the emotional dysfunction it requires to relinquish a child. I feel more sure that it was the right decision for me to severe contact with my birthmother, as she had the same confusion and conflicted emotions that are unhealthy for anyone involved, especially the adoptee."
Not satisfied with that attempt to hurt my feelings, she initiated contact with me through email. These quotes are from those emails:
"Your pages felt yucky to me . . . your the one who lets her therpist deny the pain your already in and heap more on top with her own denial. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Get a grip . . . your hurt my my honesty . . ."
I cut and pasted these quotes. Spelling/grammar errors are hers.
"What type of screaming hypocrite are you?"
She was on the anti-adoption list pretending to be anti-adoption.
Perhaps the strangest thing she said to me was:
"I have no need for private personal attacks."
Yes. My feelings got hurt. She's very good at causing pain. But, this is nothing new. I've seen this sort of behavior from far too many people who are personally touched by adoption. I've never experienced a group of people more ready to fight and inflict pain on each other. Male, female, adopters, adoptees, and the mothers of the children themselves: the only common factor is adoption.
This is not the sort of thing I had in mind when I asked for "other examples of this sort of rude behavior" but I guess it worked. In the future, I would prefer if people just sent their rude comments to me by email. Please don't put them in my guestbook.
I'd like to share one more quote from this troubled woman (about her mother) and suggest that it contains the true source of her pain and anger:
"I chose to tell her how much pain her refusal to deal with our adoption meant to me . . ."
For that pain and anger, I have a great deal of empathy.
FALL 1997
[from a message board for adopters]
"However, I have given . . . a great deal of thought to what it must have been like for [the] children's . . . parents to give them up. I can only hope that it was not at all easy. "
"I like to think of it as having rescued them . . ."
[This is incredibly insulting to the mothers of the children who get adopted. It's like saying we were/are so awful that our children needed to be "rescued" from us.]
"Adoption is no big deal . . ."
[For the mother's who lose their children to adoption, it is a very big deal -- a very painful and damaging "big deal!"]
"Adoption gives children a chance at a better life."
[Insulting of the child's mother and ASSUMES that she would have been bad for her own child. Not even adopters have that kind psychic power.]
"I let my birth mom breast feed my child."
"Maybe closed adoption is better. That way we don't have to worry about those little birthmothers changing there minds . . ."
"We flew our 19 yo birthmom out ten days ago."
"I am wondering if any other (waiting) adopting couples have had problems with the [child's mother] . . . while she is waiting for [her] baby to be born? Our birthmother is very demanding of our time. We feel like we are bending over backwards to make this 23 year old happy . . ."
[She wants your time; you want her baby. I don't think she's the one whose request is unreasonable.]
"I would say [the child's parents] too are fortunate (not just the baby . . ."
[They've lost their child, their flesh and blood. They will suffer this loss for the rest of their lives. How callous do you have to be to considered that "fortunate?"]
". . . [baby's mother] doesn't think we are 'grateful enough' to her for 'giving us this baby'. I'm not going to be grateful until I get a baby and the papers are signed!!! We are paying $22,000 for this adoption . . . I think that should say something about our commitment to adopt her baby."
["her" baby -- that breaks my heart to read -- you? And please notice the emphasis on money: it's a reoccurring theme with adopters.]
"I was grateful last time and all I got was high attorney bills for a failed adoption."
[People who have their own babies don't get any guarantees. And, it's not the money parents are sad about when they lose a baby.]
"We spent a lot of time with our birthmother too, but she was appropriately apologetic . . ."
"It will cost around $4000.00 and less hassle is definitely gauranteed. A child is a child."
[No. A child is not a child. My daughter and my sons are the only ones that are my children. No one can take their place. They aren't interchangeable for their parents. And, I want to add, in case someone doesn't notice, that the possessive terms used to describe the mothers of the babies ("our birthmother") is very demeaning.]
SUMMER 1997
A mother once shared a letter with me from the adopters of her son that was signed "Jack's parents."
[It's very rude to rub salt in her wounds like this. And yes, she was very hurt by this cruel selfish action But, it also shows the difference between adopters and parents. I never sign my letters as the parent of my children. I don't have anything to prove. I wonder what it's like to be raised by people that need to prove they are your "parents" and knowing that someone else gave birth to you?]
I heard from a friend that a talk radio host called parents who've lost their children to adoption the
"bio egg and sperm donor."