Mo's
Email Humor Classics
The following are jokes,
humor, etc., I have received thru the email system over the past few years...I
have made every attempt to credit authors whenever possible!
*Note: this page
contains some adult humor, if you are easily offended, please be adivsed
that you have been warned!*
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change
the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off
and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may
be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
It seems that God was
almost done creating the universe,
and had had a couple
of left-over things left in his bag
of creations, so he
stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in
the Garden.
He told the couple
that one of the things he had to give
away was the ability
to stand up and pee. "It's a very
handy thing," God
told the couple who he found hanging
around under an apple
tree, "so I was wondering if either
one of you wanted
that ability."
Adam begged, "Oh, give
that to me! I'd love to be able
to do that!
It seems the sort of thing a Man should do.
Oh please, oh please,
let me have that ability! When I'm
working in the garden
or naming the animals, I could just
let it drip, and I'd
stay so cool. So God, let it be me
who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee..."
On and on he went like
an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and
shook her head at the display. She told
God that if Adam really
wanted it so badly, and it sure
seemed to be the sort
of thing that would make him happy,
she really wouldn't
mind if Adam were the one given the
ability to stand up
and pee.
And so it was done.
And it was ... well, good for Adam.
"Fine," God said,
looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here?
Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
An old cowboy dressed
to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady
sat down next to him.
After she ordered her
drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my
whole life on the ranch herding cows,
breaking horses, mending
fences... I guess I am," replied the
cowboy.
After a short while he
asked her what she was.
"Well, I've never been
on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am
a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think
of women, when I eat, shower,
watch TV, everything
seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she
left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next
to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by
boat and one
says to the other, "I hear that the people of this
country
actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding
in agreement, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both
walk towards the cart.
"Two...dogs, please," says one. The vendor
is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands
them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench.
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush,
leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"
One day God came to Adam
and said, "I've got some good news
and some bad news."
Adam looked thoughtfully
at his maker and replied, "Please
give me the good news
first."
Smiling, God explained,
"I've created two new organs for you.
One is called
a brain. This organ will allow you to be very
intelligent, solve problems,
and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is
called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form
and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are
now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great and wonderful
gifts you have given
me. What could possibly be the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough
blood to operate one organ at a time
One fine day, an Englishman,
a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded
to each buy a pint of
Guinness. Just as they
where about to enjoy their creamy
beverage, three flies landed
in each of their pints and became
stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his
beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the
offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as
if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the
fly out of his drink, held it over
the beer and yelled, "Spit
it out, you bastard!"
Following were taken from
real resumes and cover letters.
They were printed in
the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand
a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have
lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received
a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason
for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly
responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed
bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best
for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet,
so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will
want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a
perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was
working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital
status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have
an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am
loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have
become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
16. My goal
is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate,
especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted,
I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal
interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental
in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note:
Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit
a job.
22. Marital
status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason
for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company
made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished
eighth in my class of ten.
26. References:
None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
The first-grade class comes in from recess.
The Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says
"That's good.
Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly,
I'll
give you a cookie." Alice does and gets a cookie.
So the Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher
says,
"Very good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard,
I'll give
you a cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie, too.
The Teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul Machmoud what he did
at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they
threw
rocks at me." Teacher says, "They threw rocks at you?
That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard
and write 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie..."
God created woman, and
she had 3 breasts. He said to the
woman, "Is there anything
on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could
you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers
and it was done. Holding the third
breast in her hand she
then said, "What am I going to do
with this useless boob?"
And God created man
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody
going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than
you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
--------------------
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's
97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris
---------------------------
I have a great diet. You're allowed
to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone
---------------------------
The second day of a diet is always
easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
---------------------------
I went into a McDonald's yesterday
and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would
you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
---------------------------
The reason most people play golf is
to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon
---------------------------
I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison
---------------------------
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean
a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean
it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five
cents.
--Billiam Coronel
---------------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many,
just like Monogamy.
--Oscar Wilde
----------------------------
I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
---------------------------
If a woman has to choose between catching
a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man
on base.
--Dave Barry
---------------------------
Suppose you were an idiot...
And suppose you were a member of
Congress ... But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
---------------------------
Our
bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown
---------------------------
My mom told me how she learned to
swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat.
That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
---------------------------
I had a linguistics professor who
said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant
species on the planet. That
may be. But there's one other
thing that separates us from animals:
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson
---------------------------
Did you ever walk in a room and forget
why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
---------------------------
I worry that the person who thought
up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
--Lily Tomlin
---------------------------
Now they show you how detergents take
out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry
isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
---------------------------
Why is it that when we talk to God
we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin
---------------------------
When you look at Prince Charles, don't
you think that someone in
the Royal family knew someone in the
Royal family?
--Robin Williams
---------------------------
Where lipstick is concerned, the important
thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where
your lips end.
--Jerry Seinfeld
The following letter was forwarded by someone who
teaches at a junior high
school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent
to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for
the elderly.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county
home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said "Fuck You".
Sincerely, Edna Johnston
An Irishman's been
drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that
the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls
flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands
up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the
4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands
up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into
his bedroom where he passes out face down on the floor.
He awakens the next
morning to his wife standing over him yelling, "Damn! The pub called, you
left your wheelchair there again."
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush1 tube toothpaste
1
loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single, huh?"
The man flirtatiously replies, "Why yes I am, how did you guess?"
"Because you're ugly."
1. Most blues begin "woke
up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman"
is a bad way to begin the blues, unless
you stick something nasty
in the next line.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After
you have the first line right,
repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
with help from Uncle Plunky)
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of
magnesia,
do you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is
a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called
a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's
already stale.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it
say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who
drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific
mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language.
So is "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then why
aren't models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are
1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they
tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called "Holes?"
How do crazy people
go through the forest?
They take the
psycho path.
How do you get holy
water?
Boil the hell
out of it.
What did the fish
say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Damn."
What do Eskimos get
from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners
use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters
D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics
Association.
What do you call a
boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese
that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's
helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four
bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from
a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when
you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs,
is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom
of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference
between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast
beef.
Where do you find
a dog with no legs?
Right where you
left him.
Why are there so many
Smiths in the phone book?
They all have
phones.
Why do bagpipers walk
when they play?
They're trying
to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have
big nostrils?
Because they have
big fingers.
What's the difference
between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What do you get when
you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs
for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean
when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
What kind of coffee
was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
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