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             In 1998, the real world of misery had started. In January I had broke up with my boyfriend and met a new friend. "José" was exactly like me, the way we thought and the activities we both enjoyed. She had some guy friends from the next town, and ounce she had a party with all her guy friends. I was drinking and got pretty drunk. Next thing I know I was making out with one guy from the party. A couple of weeks after my friend and I were always together with the guys. I was seeing "Pierre" one of the guys in the group. This is where everything was over for me. I started to enjoy sex like I have never enjoyed before. Pierre had to leave the country with his family for 2 weeks. When he left, I was with 3 more guys.

    During the summer me and "Kad" started to go to clubs downtown where we lived. Witch had only brought pain and more grief in my life. I loved the club scene, so many people and hot looking guys. I liked it a bit too much and this is what really screwed me up

    At that time I wasn't too smart. Thinking everyone is nice and sweet. Though, everyone I thought was nice they all ended up by breaking a part of my heart or taking a peice of who I am really. My parents wanted me to leave the house since I always did what I wanted. I wasn't getting along with them I would demand them to leave me alone and to let me do whatever I do. Wow, I was pretty stupid when I think of it, everything they could prevent me to do if they were more strict with me. But I learned my own way and I'm glad I did.

       During the summer of 1998, my friend met this guy at a club. A couple of days later we both went to his house. There were a lot of guys over there, and I didn't feel too good. Out of nowhere one came to me and pushed me in the room. I was scared and more scared when three guys came in the room. One of them told me I had no choice then to have sex with them all, before leaving there house. I didn't know what to do, only I tried to get away, they had more force then I, so they where always capable of pushing me away from the door. The four guys had all their turns to rape me. They took my buss pass and left me with only little change in my pocket.



    On August 29th, 1998, a Saturday. I went to see my friend "Alfred". Alfred and I have met while clubbing, we never had any act of intimasy. He was a good friend of mine, whom I went to see often. On this Saturday night we went to one guy's house, which he didn't know really well. We went to the house and went to pick "Go buy some marijuana". I was waiting in one of the room with my friend "José". When Alfred was done, I decided to go to the washroom before leaving the apartment. As I was opening the door to get out, two of the guys came in locking the door behind them. One of them went on the counter and the other went behind me. I had a skirt that day, so it wasn't too hard to do anything to me. The one behind me started to take my underwear out and the one in front of me forced me to give him a "blow job". I started to do what he told me to, trying to prepare a plan how to get out of here. The guy behind me started to penetrate me, and I started to get mad. I kicked the guy behind me and bite the one in front of me. They both were getting mad when one threw me in the bathtub and the other just throw me around in the bathroom. After a while they were getting tired and opened the door and threw me out. I started to scream and cry and left running out of the apartment. I didn't went to join Alfred after the accident, although he knew what had happened, Alfred and José joined me to the buss terminal. One of the guys came to the buss terminal and started to talk to me saying it was my entire fault and I was asking for it. They also said that if they haven't done what they did someone ells would. They were actually write because it did happened again but they still did what they did.

    From that day, I really thought it was my fault. I was blaming my self for something I didn't do. Maybe I made part of it happen, but I wasn't the one who forced my self to have sex with those strangers. It wasn't my fault and now I know that.

       In September I found I had clamydia "M.T.S". I got very sick, I had to take two pills per day to cure it for a period of 2 months. I also had to take other pills for my migraines witch was two per day as well, also I had a big flew, so that means 3 more pills. I took from 7 to 10 pills a day. I was verry sick and I felt druged for a verry good while.

       Things were going better and started to relax with the guys. I went on with more steady guys. It wasn't as bad as before but still I would play around. I had counted over 30 guys in 1998 that I have done something with, When I think about it, it's pretty sad.

       What I wanted the most at the end of the year is to find this special someone whom would love me for me and not for what I looked like or what they knew about me. I had a lot of flash backs of my rapes and experiences with guys. A lot of people were saying things about me.

       At school it was the worst, I had to go, there was no question about it. I would get harassed by fellow students. People cald me names, looked at me as if I was out of space. I never fit in with the girls, but the guys surally loved me, but in the same time they had fun by playing my mind. I couldn't concentrate in my classes and usually left class because I cried and all I thought about was my past. I felt like everyone hated me and anyone who would look at me I thought they were all saying things behind my back.

quotes
  • I decided long ago Never to walk in anyone's shadow If I fail, If I succeed At least I did as I believe -Whitney Houston
  • Reality and life are not the same. -PM Dawn
  • Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -Erma Bombeck
  • The wages of sin are death - but the hours are good. -N. Matejic
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -Redd Fox
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring and suffer-ring
  • No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-Henry Kissinger
  • It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. -Abraham Lincoln

  • What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us is small matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Life is not a spectator sport. If you are going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life. -Jackie Robinson
  • A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives. -Jackie Robinson
  • Lifes most important possession is life itself.
  • Love your life, as poor as it is. -Henry David Thoreau
  • The shortest distance between a problem and the solution is from your knees to the floor
  • It is far better to forgive and forget than to resent and remember
  • It is kindness in a person, not beauty, which wins our love.
  • Life is a series of little deaths out of which life always returns. -Charles Feidelson, Jr.
  • Draw in the breath of life, and as you breathe, smile.
  • When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. -Charles A. Beard
  • Wisdom: to live in the present, plan for the future, and profit from the past.
  • As long as you live, keep learning how to live. -Seneca
  • If you don't hear opportunity knocking, find another door.
  • Character is doing what is right when no one is looking. -J.C. Watts