The year started with love, with faith, hope and friendship. I finally did it, I finally changed. My wish had came true now all I have to change is to try to settle with my problems. I am starting to have a lot of problems, not with the world it-self but with myself. I am still going through depression and now I've just realised I surfer from social anxiety, I have to take stress pill every morning as well as Lactaid pills. I just have been told I can't drink lactose. I'm starting to have migraines more often and I have a serious back problem. Well it's not really fun, but it's better then any year I have passed. I have to thank god and his angels who've truly believed and me and helped me to believe in myself.
It has been 8 months with my love one. I really love him, but I think it may not last. I guess life is full of little lesson I need to learn.
May 21st, my cousine died. Things have gone wrong since. I have no one by my side. I left all of my friends because I'v realized that they weren't good friends. They were people who don't care about what I think about my emotion and pain. There pain, there problems are always to be talked. My cousine died, my boyfriend can seem to trust me, because of my passed love. No one seem to see that I have change. I ain't the one I was back then, and I'm so proud of my self. That hard thing is that my boyfriend doesn't beleive me. Something hard to take from someone you love so deeply. I try not to cry from all the pain coming back into my life. I just need to deal with it ounce again.
What I thought that life was getting good to me, I guess that was just a lie. I had a taste of joy, but now the sample is gone, I need to live my misery ounce again. God I hate the life of a young troubled confused hurt young adult.
July 12, 2000: Whats up with my love life. I don't think I was blessed with the relationship part. I know I'm still young and feel kind of stupid saying that I will never be with anyone ells, but did you ever have a feeling a strong feeling that the person you are with was truly ment for you. I never did have that feeling before now. I never had this strong feeling in my heart, in my soul, in me. If this love wasn't ment to be. I guess I only have to live with it, what can I do more, what can I do less. I can't keep on loving if you don't love me back. I can't keep on hurting myself for someone who doesn't love me. I loved him. I really did.
July 28, 2000: I went camping on the week-end with my parents and neighbours. It was pretty fine, I smoked up all week-end with Karine. It wasn't too bad. I didn't speack to Stephane when I came back. I didn't thought he would have been home. Then he caled me on Monday. On Monday I went to Broadway with Julie we went to take some cofee and just relaxed. When we were about to leave Steph came to Broadway to meet me. We walked to his house from there. It's a far enough walk! I slept there for the night. I don't know what is happening between us. It's too fucked. I try to tell my self to let him go and go on with life. But more of my self doesn't want to quit. I love him, I love him so. It's strange. I know I'm hurting my-self from doing everything I do. I just really don't want to let him go. I don't want him to leave me. I don't want him to hate me. I just want him to be him and love me to be me. But that's only what I want. I can't say how he thinks. I know he loves me, and that he is traped two. Traped to love.
August 14, 2000: With Steph and I was all over, well for two weeks. He cald me last Thursday, we went for a coffee and then we sort of had a little fight. Afterwards I end up to be at his house and then he came to my house. We have been together for the last three days. And again we had a fight this morning well on the 13th since it's 1:20 a.m right now. I wasn't sure if I want to go back out with him. I seem like being a bitch with him all the time. When I'm happy he is sad or low and when he is happy I'm low or sad. It's really fucked up if you ask me. He changed a lot in the last two weeks though, and I don't like the way he turned out to be. I love him for who he is the real him. Now he is just a fake him, it isn't the Steph I know anymore. He imatured in 2 weeks. I don't know what will happen, we might see each other again as well as we wont see each other for a long time. I will moove on in life but I will never forget everything he did for me. I know that he really loved me, and I really loved him. He gave me a lot to learn and I'm still learning from him. I realized a lot in life because of him. I will never thank him enough for what he did for me. He'll may be the past but he will always be in my present and futur.
My prayer:
My dear angel, Emilie. I have to thank you for this gifth you'v bringed down for me. His love was truly real. You'v given me the person who could have helped me, I know that you knew this. As I said in my poerty he did came down for me from heaven. I'm ready for your lessons in life, I'm ready to be smarter . I'm ready to change and to be a good person. Thank you Emilie, for everything you'v given me, the change to re-do my past. Thanks for looking over me. Thank you for being my angel and to let me know and deal with my pain, helping me to heal threw my angel. Whom is you Emilie. Thank you.
Amen.
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