Jackie Sue's homepage: adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse

MY JUST REWARDS

My favorite quote is from Socrates. What a man! He said: "The shortest and surest way to live with honor in this world is to be in reality what we appear to be." I try to live my life that way. I just wish everyone else did. The ones who don't cause the ones of us who do a great deal of pain, don't they?

As you have been able to tell, there have been many obstacles to happiness in my life. I have lost people that I loved, trusted, needed and who loved me. I think that we are put here on earth to learn certain lessons, however. The lessons I have had to learn have come at great expense. I feel like it wouldn't honor those who are no longer with me if I did not try to find the positive part in these very painfilled lessons. I wouldn't want their lives to have ended with meaningless deaths.

One of the most prolific lessons I learned is that fear is a powerful motivator. It can control your life with little effort. I don't like to let fear have control over me, but sometimes it isn't easy to look your fears in the eye and tell them to go away and stop bothering you. It is especially difficult if you have been a victim of long term abuse. I never said it was going to be easy...but how easy is living in fear? It isn't easy. It might be familiar, but it isn't easy. I deserve better. Most of us deserve better.

Many people who have lived lives similar to the one that I have lived have a self-esteem problem. I don't have your average run of the mill self-esteem problem. Mine is a bit more refined...narrowed down. I don't have some of the guilt complexes that others who have suffered similar abuse have to deal with. I have no doubt that I did nothing to deserve the treatment I got. I am not to blame. Now all I need to do is convince myself that somewhere out there is a man who can look past the physical imperfections and see the beauty that lies within...and if I'm lucky, he might just think I am pretty enough to tell me that someday. I will be waiting just for him to come and take me away and make me his. (but until that time comes, I am going to live life, not just sit and wait on life to come to me!) I just need to find a man with a good heart and a better pair of eyes.

Sometimes "life" tries to kick you in the butt, but at some point in time you have to decide if you are going to be a victim or if you are going to take charge and determine the outcome of your life. I don't like being a victim. It's the part of me I try to squelch the most. Victims are powerless. I want power. I'm not gonna sit here and take it without fighting back. No one but ME can fix some of the wrongs that have been done to me. I can sit here and cry about it some more, or I can find the lesson and go on. I choose to find the lesson. I choose NOT to be a victim all my life.

Given the chance, I am going to be happy and I am going to be a positive influence on others. It is the way I choose to live. I have down times just like everyone else, but I try to make sure they don't last too long, and if I can fix the cause of the problem, I will. I have found that dreading doing something is far more difficult than just doing it. Just do it. Get it behind you so you can do something you ENJOY!

I have my wonderful daughter. Now there is one more thing I want out of life. I want my soulmate. That is a search that many have undertaken, and I don't know why I think I am so special as to believe that I am going to find him, but I do, and I've always "known" that it would be at about this stage in my life. I have every confidence that it will happen. I can't wait to meet him. I thought for many years about what type of man I should have, about what I needed to make that right fit. I have to have someone who has a very dynamic personality. It simply needs to be that way. I always knew he would need to be a spiritual person, and possibly even involved in some kind of ministry. I knew he would have to be an adventurous person, and he'd have to have a great sense of humor and a sense of wonder and amazement at the world. He would need to be walking through this life "awake". He would have to have a fairly warped sense of humor or his life with me would be unbearable. I knew that he would have to be intelligent. I ask a lot of questions, you see.

I found out a long time ago that we help make our own destiny. I am determined that I am going to find this man. For all I know I might have already done it. I knew someone who came so close to fulfilling that dream/fantasy/wish that it is frightening. I thought I actually might have found him. This man appeared to be the living epitome of everything I have prayed for since I was sixteen. That is a pretty tough order to fill, let me assure you. Fear came to knock at my door again, because this is someone who, once he was in my life, I didn't want him to go away again. That wasn't up to me however.

There is one thing I cannot control, however hard I try, and that is how the other person feels. I can't do anything to make them deal with their fear...to put it behind them and allow them to move forward with their life. This I feel, was where we encountered the most problems. Evidently men are far more fragile creatures than women are.

I allowed myself to become vulnerable to this person, which was a huge step forward for me. I had not allowed myself to be put in that position since I began to deal with my molestation issues, at least not like this. Even though the romance wasn't meant to be, I consider that I wasn't too afraid to try to be a personal victory for me. Even with the hurt. You see, this man seemed too good to be true, and we all know the old saying: Things that seem to be too good to be true usually AREN'T true.

So what was the lesson? I dunno yet. It seems that the one I wanted wasn't the right one, but hopefully the right one is following closely behind. Until then, I will lick my wounds and survive. If I am anything, I am a survivor. I was willing to give love a shot, and I'll be willing to again. I just have to bandage my heart up first. At least I wasn't afraid to try. That's more than some can say. I was brave. I didn't hide and run away from my feelings. I stared the enemy in the face and was prepared to do battle to win that which is most coveted...a soul mate. Ok. I didn't win. I'm a avid student of life though. Next time I'll do better.

Albert Einstein said it best. "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." I am actively seeking out miraculous events in my life. They are ever so much more entertaining than being a victim is. I hope my miracle happens for me, and I wish you miracles, too.