Where is that close family? "Not here. But everyone else must have it, so let's pretend." It can be so tempting to deny the abuse once more and cover it with holiday glitter. But all the presents, sumptuous meals, decorations and alcohol cannot cover the emptiness and hurt of a family in which sexual and emotional abuse has been perpetrated, then denied. Letting go of the fantasy "greeting card" family is our first step to new life-and something to celebrate. *My present sadness is my first step to happiness.*
I sense today the stirring of feelings once frozen deep inside me.
In my dysfunctional family, hope was ridiculed, joy was minimized, love was manipulated and anger was met with violence. As a result, I kept my feelings a secret from my family and even from myself.
Now, as an adult, I am afraid to let myself hope and love because these feelings leave me vulnerable to the pain of broken dreams and promises. I seldom let myself feel anger and fear because these feelings seem to overwhelm the little child within me.
Today I will release my feelings from their icy prison within. I will also reassure my inner child that I can handle my feelings so no harm can come to us. I choose today to be fully alive by accepting and experiencing the full reange of my emotions. *I am fully alive when I feel and express my emotions.*
Emotional flashbacks involve reliving the feelings of being attacked, usually without memories connecting our emotions to a specific incident. We find ourself enraged all of a sudden, seemingly without provocation or crying with the voice of a young child.
Sometimes emotions and mental pictures may come to us separately. But they will come together over time if needed in order to heal.
There is a certain wisdom to the remembering process which is out of our conscious control. If we try to remain open to our Higher Power, trust what is happening, get the support we need, and not try to force more memories to the surface, emotional flashbacks will begin to decrease and emotional integration to grow. *Higher Power, I trust You to allow me to feel today whatever I need to feel*
My life as a child was very painful. To survive, I constructed a reality for myself built on wishes. After a while I began to live as if my fantasy were real. Living in a fantasy allowed me to deny some truths about my life.
It's time now to stop pretending. I know that if I continue to pretend things are better or different than they are, I will never resolve my hurt. By living in fantasy, I only put off my grieving. I will continue to experience pain as long as I live in my expectations instead of my reality.
I am strong enough now to accept the difference between fantasy and reality. I can acknowledge and confront my pain, past and present. My acceptance of my reality empowers me to heal the painful parts of my life. *I am empowered to heal the painful parts of my life.*
Power may alternately attract and terrify us. We cringe at the thought of what power in the hands of an abuser did to us. Sometimes we scare ourselves with our own desire to use power in a vengeful way against those who wronged us. But violence begets violence. How can we become empowered and break the chain of violence at the same time?
The first step is to recognize that truly empowered people do not abuse children. Only the fearful, inferior and weak would choose to vent their violent passions against the innocent and vulnerable.
Healing is empowerment. Freedom to live our own lives is empowerment. Speaking out about the truth of abuse is empowerment. Becoming advocates for the innocent and vulnerable is empowerment. True empowerment fosters life rather than violates it. *God grant me the power to live in love.*
More Affirmations and Meditations Back to Inspirations© 1997 mdak@cajunnet.com
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