from Mommy
around the corner and it seems so bitter and empty. Why should I celebrate a
day of love when the greatest love of my life- my son- was ripped away before
I could even hold him? It's so hard sweetie, just to wake up in the morning. So
hard... And I'm very afraid, everything scares me. I have little to no faith or
trust in anything. It just feels like why bother? Faith in what? It seems as though
the only certainty in life is endings. Everything goes away eventually, some too
darn soon, but all of it leaves. Well, son, look down on me from your little
cloud up there in heaven, and I'm hoping you smile with pride, because it's such
a struggle to bear the pain your abscence has caused, but I'm still pushing
through it all. Not always as well as I'd like to, but I'm breathing at least...
Smile down on me and I'll be warm, and maybe I won't fell so completely alone.
I love you, Tristin, I always will. *Goodnight kisses from your mommy*
23:21 on Friday, February 12, 1999
I guess I just keep hoping that it's all a nightmare and I'll wake up and I'll still
be pregnant. I feel so broken, so hopeless. It's too hard to keep living without
you. Well, I've got Becca. She's no replacement for you, baby, but she loves
me. At least she bothers to make me feel like I mean something in this world. It
just seems like I'm at a wall, and it's too high to climb, too long to walk around,
and too thick to crumble... I feel like I'm going nowhere. Well, sweetie, I don't
really know what to say...I feel lost. I've been trying to get better sleep, and
do more housework for mom, but they still complain about everything and it
just adds to my feeling that it's all pointless. I tried to get a vet's assistant job,
but they got someone with more experience...sucks... I'm going to apply at the
Marina. Hopefully I can get a car soon. And I have to buy Becca a ring. I know
you already know, but I'll tell you anyway. I proposed and she said yes! This is
about the only little ray of sunshine in my whole rainy life. For months, I didn't
know what to do since she's got leukimia and I'm probably just setting myself up
for another loss...but I realized that doesn't matter. Should I stop loving her just
because she said I'm going to lose her in the future? NO! I'm just going to give
her all the love and happiness I can for as long as I can because she's done so
much for me. She's about the only thing that keeps me from joining you too soon,
sweets. Well, aside from that I guess I don't have a lot of new news...Oh, my
birthday party is tomorrow, love. It feels so crappy without you here. It would
be three and a half months now... You should be here tomorrow, son, really you
should. My life just is not fair! I hate this. I hate holidays, I hate celebrations, I
hate it! They all make me hurt so bad, cuz you aren't here too, to enjoy them with
me. And you never can be. And I have to go through the day with people asking
why do I look upset? Aren't I happy? It's my party... Whatever. Like a party is
going to change the fact that you aren't in my womb where you should be, but
instead up on some cloud without me? Oh, Tristin, I just don't understand it.
What did I do wrong? Why were you taken away from me? I just wish the next
two years would disappear, and I could get out of here, away from mom and
Norman and Jordan (who are all driving me nuts!) and go off to college in
Cincinnati, me and Becca. I found out she's probably going there too. That's
great. I won't be so lonely at least. Maybe in time she can help me heal this
poor remainder of my broken heart. Well, Tristin, I don't know what else I was
going to say. Oh, yeah, Adrienne's pregnant. Your would-have-been godmother,
remember? She was so good to me when I was pregnant with you. Well, her and
Mikey are going to be mommy and daddy now! I'm very happy for them, cuz she's
wanted this for a long time, but I'm also very bitter. It's not fair. Why does she
have a baby and a faithful reliable boyfriend (will be husband)? It's just not
right. They came to visit and they were being cute like always and it just killed
me. I was so jealous that it made me sick. It's hard to see her, even though she's
my best... Things are tough, son... Oh, and there's one last thing. I am so mad at
Crystal!!! She's going out with your daddy now. I'm so worried for her, cuz you
and I both know he can be lots of trouble. I hate him so much! Tristin, look out
for us, okay? And smile on me tomorrow so maybe my day will brighten a
little... I hope. I love you, son, you know I do! And I know you love me too.
Kisses, baby. Luv, Mommy 23:44 on Friday, March 5, 1999
with me are doing very well. I am so happy with Becca. She really helped me
get through losing you. I don't think I would have made it without her. Well, her
chemotherapy is about to start up again. The doctors say after this round, it
should be gone. Hope and pray for her, Tristin, we need all the help we can get.
Well, I know this is a really short letter, but all I wanted to say is, look, your
mommy made it through! I'm not a wreck anymore... I can enjoy myself without
guilt... I am not afraid anymore :) I love you, baby... and you know I'll never
forget you. Gramma loves you to, but she just hasn't had time to write. By the
way, sweetie, I finally quit procrastinating and got around to building you avery
nice web page memorial. LOL I'm sure you can go see it on your little heavenly
computers... It's called In Loving Memory. I love you sweetie! Hugs and
Kisses for my baby boy. Luv, Your Mommy 23:01 on Thursday, April 8, 1999
Poems for Tristin
Tristin's Page of Angels
Tristin also has a memorial on the Page of Eternal Flames
and at ~~Babies in Heaven~~