Chapter Seventeen: Doubts

I sat in the couch my eyes glued to the TV screen in front of me, a photo of Karl was sitting in the top right hand corner on a background of chaos of guards, media, and in the middle a frightened little girl - me. They did a profile on Karl, interviewed his parents, his mother wept perfectly into the camera and I felt ill to my stomach, they talked about how he was a nice boy who was doing well at college and wanted to be a Producer, they talked about the recent breakup he'd had with a long term girlfriend, they talked about his football days and his love for the outdoors, and they talked about how he didn't deserve to be shot like that. There was a brief interview with a policeman I didn't know, but who seemed to know me well enough, he spoke about the immediate danger to me and to the people around me, he talked about the letters and about the gun like he was trying to justify Karl's death - again I felt ill.

I'm not sure exactly what I felt, on the one hand I was glad this guy was out of my life because he scared me, but on the other hand he was young and disturbed he needed help not to be shot. I could almost feel the hate in his mothers eyes when she mentioned me, like she blamed me, maybe I was overreacting, but that didn't stop me feeling that way.

"What are you doing?" Brian yawned emerging from the door
I said nothing my eyes stuck on the visions in front of me.
"Riyan, don't torment yourself" he whispered as he took the remote from my hands and shut the TV off
"Everybody thinks its my fault" I sniffed shrinking my head into my knees
"No one thinks that Riyan"
"His parents do, the media do, they say he didn't need to be shot"
"Maybe he didn't, but you didn't pull the trigger, you're the innocent one here Riyan remember that, you did nothing wrong"
"I don't want to be a star anymore" I announced
He at down beside me, his eyes polls of question
"I don't want to be famous if other people get hurt because of it, I want to give up Brian I want to go home, I want my mother back, I want to stay with singing into the hairbrush and milking a cow, I want to go back to watching my father carve and walking to school, that's what I want, not this" I cried, burring my head into my knees
"Is that really what you want?"
I nodded.
"Do you love to sing Riyan? Do you love when people say how much the adore you?"
"Not when someone dies because of it"
"Don't punish the rest of the world because of one person, they love you, and I love you"
"I don't think I can get back up on a stage"
"You'll have me right there" he smiled touching my face, wiping an array of tears away
"Promise?"
A smile came across his face
"Every step of the way"
I wanted to believe him, maybe that's why I did.

~ THAT AFTERNOON ~
"Riyan" Papa exclaimed as Brian opened the motel room door to him
I fell into his strong arms without hesitation finding warmth in their protection.
"Are you okay?" he muttered into my ear
I nodded, sniffing back the tears. He let me go, and sat down on the couch, I followed suit.
"Papa this is Brian" I introduced as Brian walked around the front of us, sitting in a chair opposite Papa managed a soft smile, I suppose that was the best he could muster.
"I'll leave you two alone" Brian smiled, standing up again. He shook Papa's hand and shot a soft caring smile down at me, then he was gone.

"You didn't need to come Papa" I sniffed, I'm not sure why I said that I was all emotionally screwed up, I only knew that much
"I know, but I needed to make sure you were okay"
There was an awkward silence, it was obvious in his eyes he wanted to say more, and I wasn't going to stop him.
"I think maybe you should come home with me" he spoke calmly, rubbing his hand down the back of my head
"Quit?" I questioned, looking up. I wouldn't tell him that I had had that notion earlier.
"Riyan, I don't want to see you hurt"
"I cant quit Papa"
"I cant let you die either Riyan" he announced with bellowing authority
"I'm not going to, I'm okay" my conviction was lacking in my words, but I doubted Papa would notice
"But tomorrow, what about then? Will you be okay then? And the next day?"
"I can't just give up"
I thought about Brian and what he'd said, I did love this, I loved the music and I really don't think I could walk away, especially not from him.
"I want to pull the contract"
"Papa don't"
I knew fully he had the power to do that, me been a minor and all, but I wasn't sure if he actually would.
"I need to do what's best"
"For you or me?" I snapped, bolting upright "You can't take this away from me, I'VE worked too hard to allow you to do this Papa"
"I've already lost your mother, do you want to be next?"
I spun around, refusing to look at him.
"I want this, I want to sing" I sniffed, my words turning into a slight whisper
"Riyan" he spoke placing his hand on my shoulder
"If you do this, you'll not be my father" I announced stiffly as I turned to face him, I meant the words I spoke, I meant them with everything I embodied.
"I don't want to have to burry my only daughter as well"
"You take me away from this, and my heart will be dead"
He looked at me solemnly.
"Promise me if anything like this happens again, you will pull out" he spoke softly
I nodded slowly.

Papa left the hotel room about an hour after, we talked a little about home, my brother, Grandma, the animals. There was not much left to discuss after that, I could tell he was not happy with allowing me to continue, but he knew he couldn't really pull me away. He talked a little to Brian and thanked him for 'taking care of me' I smiled at the comment, if only Papa knew. I think he also asked Brian to watch over me, I didn't hear the conversation, but the somber mood surrounding the two suggested such a thing was both said and agreed on.

I was tired again now, as it was going on 10:30. I crawled into bed, yawning loudly. Papa had arranged a flight back the same day, I had profusely told him that I was okay and that there was no point in him staying any longer, he made me promise to call and made arrangements to fly out. He was still here, talking to Michael, I wasn't sure about what, but I had a fair idea.

I opened my eyes and looked across to the clock, only half an hour had passed since I'd tumbled into bed. I yawned annoyed, I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I decided to make a quite rendezvous at Brian's room, I know I was risking a lot, but I needed to see him, if only for a few seconds.

I tiptoed down the hall, taking every precaution not to be seen, I wasn't sure where anyone else was, but I was determined not to be seen, it just made things easier. I heard hushed voices around the corner, I knew the voices, one was Papa the other a female voice, I wasn't sure who, she was talking very quietly. I looked around for a place to hide, but I wasn't quick enough as the two walked around the corner.
"Riyan" Belle exclaimed, overly shocked to see me
"What are you doing up?" Papa questioned, bags in his hand "I was coming to say goodnight"
"I uh, um, I just needed to walk around a bit" I shrugged, looking back at Belle. I couldn't help but wonder what she had been talking to Papa about.


Chapter 18
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