Chapter TwentyTwo: No Reason To Live


~ THREE DAYS LATER ~
To the public eye, I carried on as I had always done, I performed, I went to interviews, photo shoots, signed autographs when asked, smiled for every camera pointed in my face, but what the camera never caught were the sleepless nights full of tears and an utter desperation pulsing through my body that I had never felt before. I threw up more and more lately, as though it had since become a refuge to me, maybe I was punishing myself, maybe the people around me, or maybe I hoped that with every flush of the toilet I could somehow wipe this feeling away. That never came.

It was morning now, and the sun was just greeting the new day. I'd been awake all night, my eyes puffy, my face gaunt and pale. I knew I looked unwell, but no one would ever know because it's amazing the things you could cover with makeup, and so the day began. The make-up artist would come in to make me look less like something that hadn't slept a wink and spent her entire nights crying into an empty tissue - what would she know.

Today was the court date, I don't know how Marco (he was no longer a father to me) got the date so quickly, but he had. I'd had a meeting with some asshole of a lawyer that tried to convince me that Brian HAD done something wrong, I told him flatly that if loving someone was wrong, then I too should be charged. He laughed it off with Marco, they were both so certain a girl my age couldn't possibly be in love, but what did they know?

To say the least I hate everyone, I'd not spoken to Belle since I decided it could have only been her to write that letter. Marco won't allow me to do anything after the show, he's like one of those annoying dogs that never leave your side. After the show he bundles me into the bus and that's it. Alleah is still with us, but I hardly see her, which is neither here nor there, I don't care, and I really don't think she expects me too. I don't know why she's still here, she may as well go home. This time I write, there is no asking for luck and there is no joyous occasion to celebrate, I simply write to spill out my feelings that linger in my every thoughts. Sometimes when I look up at the stars I know at that very minute Brian is there, sleeping underneath the same star, and for that second I don't feel so alone.

Riyan

The knocked didn't faze me as the Marco entered my room, he looked down and me and grunted the words "Time to go". I shuddered at his voice, still very much filled with rage towards him as he continued to announce that I was too young to even know how to spell love, let alone feel it.

Without a word I stood up, my hair was primped and my make up perfect. But there was always one thing the make up couldn't hide - my eyes, they never smiled, and they never would.

~ AN HOUR LATER ~
I walked into the court room far behind Marco, I don't really know what I was doing there and I'm sure both Marco and the Lawyer didn't particularly want me there, but like it or not I was ordered to attend because it involved me.

I looked up and saw Brian sitting dead straight, his hands loosely over his lap, his hair combed neatly and his body clothed in a dark blue suit. I soft smile came to my face as he turned and caught my eye. It was one of the only times we'd seen each other since that night, Marco had made sure we had no opportunity to even SEE each other aside from the occasional peak from across the hall. He looked at me sadly, I could tell there was so much he wanted to say, just like there was so much I wanted to say.

I sat down, two seats over from Marco, my hand picking at my nails nervously. It wasn't long before a judge came into the empty caught room, the only strangers, 2 officers who stood poised like I'm sure they did ever day. I was certain they never went to this sort of trouble with these kind of cases, but Marco and his asshole lawyer obviously pulled the right strings.

There was the occasional banter back and forth between lawyers and the judge, each one stating their case, Brian's lawyer claiming that the relationship was consensual and therefore nothing criminal to it, Marco's lawyer throwing the "But its illegal" case back at him. I listened only slightly, as I'm sure Brian did too, as our relationship was passed back and forth across the table, slowly but surely been stripped down to nothing more than a few crafted words.
"He made my client think that she had to have sex with him to live up to his expectations, You honor, he was just out of a marriage and needed someone to play the sheet tango with, Riyan was just used"
"STOP IT" I announced standing bolt upright "I never said any of that, and Brian never made me feel that way, you cant possibly even try to imagine what we had, it was real and beautiful, because it was love"
"Riyan sit down" Marco hissed
"No, I'm tired of you trying to make it look like he did something wrong"
"Riyan!"
"Order, please Miss sit down" the judge announced
I looked up at him, my eyes stained with tears.
"You put him on trial you put me there too, I think I have the right to speak, wouldn't you agree?"
"The girl is right, she very much has the right to speak, approach the witness box Miss" the judge smiled. I did as requested and sat down, catching just a glimpse of Brian's eyes.
"I believe Miss Emelias has the right to speak, so for now talk to her as a witness, is that agreeable to both parties?"
There were two nods, though Marco's lawyer looked far from pleased, his own "team" was working against him.
He cleared his throat and approached where I was sitting.
"Riyan -"
"Excuse me, I'd prefer Miss Emelias, only my friends call me Riyan" I snidely replied - he deserved his own back. I saw Brian smile a little, before trying his hardest to contain it,
"Miss Emelias" he began in an agitated tone "was Mr. Littrell still married when you met him?"
"I don't see why that matters"
"A yes or no, will be sufficient"
"Yes he was"
"Is it true he was in the process of a messy divorce?"
"He was in the process of a divorce I assume, but if it was messy or not is a question better addressed to him" I smirked
"When did you and Mr. Littrell first have intercourse?"
I thought quietly for a moment.
"We didn't, we never had sex, so can we all go home now?"
"Miss Emelias, please, your father and 3 officers and a eye witness saw you two naked in the bed together"
"So? What does that prove?"
"Miss Emelias, please remember you are under oath"
"So?"
"We can hold you in contempt of court"
"Fine, you know what? Do that, hold me in contempt and then lock me away I don't care, but I'm not going to sit here and watch the man I love be accused of something that is pure and something that is true" I announced
"Riyan, you answer the damn question" Marco hissed standing to attention
"ORDER!" the judge snapped, demanding just that. He turned to face Brian.
"Mr. Littrell, please remember you too are under oath, please answer the question truthfully. Did you and Miss Emelias have intercourse?"
I looked across at Brian my eyes begging for him to say no, I would back him up, they would have no case. He looked at me, then the judge, then down to the floor.
"Yes" he spoke softly
I closed my eyes as tears fell from them.
"Were you aware she was 15 at the time, and in fact still is?"
"Yes"
His answers were quiet and reserved, and he never looked up.
"Are you also aware that have intercourse with a minor is illegal?"
"Yes"
The judge sighed as he folded his arms.
"What I see here, is two consenting people who obviously feel very deeply about each other. If it were my daughter, I would simple be happy that she found a man that truly seems to care about her. However the law is the law and it's out of my hands, Mr. Littrell, you knew her age and you knew it was illegal yet you continued anyway, for that reason I must charge you accordingly. No jail time will be given, however as requested by Mr. Emelias you will have to abide by the following. First you are to have no contact with Miss Emelias, you are not to be alone at anytime with Miss Emelias and you are not to go within 10 meters of anywhere she may be. Think of this as a restraining order and as such, should any of these be broken you will serve a minimum of 6 months in jail" he sighed and took another breath and then turned to me "Miss Emelias, I hope you too understand these conditions and respect them also" he then turned to Marco "Seeing the profile of this case could be devastating to both parties, anything said in this court room is to remain strictly confidential, and anyone speaking about this case to any form of media will serve time in prison, end of story, I will not tolerate such behavior. You are all free to go" he finished, standing and exiting the room.

I felt the tears welling up inside of me as I stepped down from the chair, Brian was wiping away a tear too, everything was silent around me, the world had vanished aside from Brian, Marco grabbed my arm and pulled me from the court room, as I looked back I caught Brian mouthing the words "I love you" down to me. I managed a tearful smile as I replied with the same words.

~ THAT NIGHT ~
I starred at myself in the bathroom mirror, swiping my hand across it to disband the steam that had crowded against it. My wet hair cascaded down my back as I shook it out of the towel. Everything seemed so unreal to me now, I hadn't seen Brian for days, but today hurt the most, simply because it was a stranger that told us we could never be together. My eyes were red with stained tears, but no more were coming, I believe I'd cried all my tears away, there were no more left, now I was just left with the dark emptiness of been without the one thing that bought me light.

I opened my make up case and starred down at the simple white bottle of pills. I'd been prescribed them to help me sleep - they never worked. I picked the bottle up and held it tightly in my hands. I took a glass of water in the other hand and placed it down on the vanity. Opening the bottle, I cried one last time as I emptied a mouthful into my mouth, I took the water and swallowed, then slid down the side of the bathroom, curled up and silently I closed my eyes praying for them to work this time.

~ 30 MINUTES LATER ~
"Hello, get out of the bathroom already" Alleah screamed as she pounded on the door "Riyan for god's sake you been in there for like 40 minutes, hurry up"
"What's going on?" Marco inquired stepping into the hotel room
"Riyan wont come out of the damn bathroom and I NEED to use it" Alleah replied, continuing her banging.
"Riyan, come on" Marco instructed, when no response came he turned to Alleah "has she said anything to you?"
"No the little cow has been ignoring me" she muttered
"Stand back" Marco demanded as he prepared to push down the door.
He rammed the door with the full power of his body, and without a second try the door flew open.
"Riyan" Marco screamed, running to the rag doll propped up against the vanity He shook her but gathered no response.
"Oh my god" Alleah gaped as she picked up the bottle of sleeping pills that had fallen to the ground.

~ 5 MINUTES LATER ~
"What's going on?" Nick yawned as he opened the door out into the hallway and saw the mass of Ambulance staff and a stretcher been pulled from the room across the way.
Belle stood behind him, watching as the figure surrounded became clear.
"Oh God, it's Riyan" she cried
Brian's door opened next and he looked on with horror as the rushed the stretcher down the hall.
"Riyan? Oh god, Riyan" he screamed running after her, only to be stopped by Marco
"Stay away from her, this is your fault" he muttered under his breath as he pushed Brian back, and carried on his way.
Belle ran up to Brian placing her arms around him.

Chapter 23
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