Chapter Ten: Perfection



My eyes were filling with tears I couldn't control. It seemed I finally understood something about myself, the reason, perhaps, I did what I did. We walked back silently, my head resting gently on a welcoming shoulder, his arms holding me, protecting me from the world I was so haunted by - it had been my world.

"You shouldn't listen to them" Brian said, finally breaking the silence
I looked down and noticed his hand was grazed a little, I wondered how hard he'd actually hit Carl.
"How can you not?" I replied as we headed out the park and down the road we'd been down before.

I grabbed the attention of 2 mothers with young children as we walked passed. One glared at me like I was a predator ready to snap her child away - I thought perhaps she had another child at Tate's Creek, the other looked on wary, her look was more subdued, but a stare all the same. Brian noticed their looks and walked faster, urging me to keep up with his pace. He hadn't believed when I said people would react like this, now he was seeing it first hand.

We walked past 2 girls who probably would have been around 15, there eyes followed me, and when not even out of earshot one said to the other,
"Isn't that her? The one that tried to kill herself?" I imagine the other nodded.

I was unimaginably relieved to slam the front door closed behind me. I fell against the wall, closed my eyes and begged myself not to cry, I was of course, unsuccessful, and the tears streamed out. Brian held me tightly as I sat on the floor like the emotional and physical wreck that I was.
"Did you see? Did you see what I am to them?" I spat, though my anger should never have been directly at Brian, he was the only one there, I think he knew that.
"I'm sorry Piper,
"I'm a plague to them, a horrible disease, something that shouldn't have to see, I'm ugly and horrible and everyone sees that" I cried, then asked the inevitable, "why don't you?"
"Because it's not true, and those one dimensional people have no right to say what the did or look at you the way they did, its them that have the problem Piper"
I looked up, wiping away streaked tears.
"No" I said firmly "I'm the one with the problem, the problem I cant explain, cant deny and cant stop"
I pulled myself up off the floor and walked into the lounge. I sat on the large white Indian cotton suite and tucked up feet under myself. Brian stood to the side off me before deciding to sit down next to me. For what seemed like forever we both starred straight ahead, neither knowing what to say.
"I think you're beautiful, and I think those girls were just jealous" he spoke, I imagined he was smiling, my face fixed firmly ahead.
"It doesn't really matter what you think Brian, if I don't think it nothing will change"
"You're sick Piper, like a person with a cold, and you need to seek help" he sighed
I shook my head.
"I'm not going to a therapist, you know what they'd say them? 'Look there goes Piper, cant kill herself properly, cant even be anorexic right, and look now she cant even control her own fucking mind'" I cried, it was one of the few times I swore in front of Brian, but he didn't seem shocked
"Why do you worry what they think? It doesn't matter"
"Because" I cried "They make me, don't you get it Brian, what they think I should be is what I need to be" tears streamed from my eyes, I did little to wipe them away
"No, that's not true, what you think you should is what you need to be"
I placed my palms over my eyes.
"I cant control this Brian, it was once about control, but I cant anymore" my hands were shaking uncontrollably "I'm loosing"
Brian plucked me off the couch and walked me across the room where a gold rimmed mirror hung untouched on the wall. I shook my head aware he was going to make me look in it, something my heart didn't want to do. He ignored my furious head movements, and his grip tightened around my arms so I could run. He stood me in front of the mirror, my eyes slammed shut.
"Tell me what you see Piper" he whispered
I shook my head again refusing to look.
"If you never look, you'll never know" he continued, his voice low, like tears were brimming in his own eyes "I lost one person I cared for to this thing, I wont loose another"
"I - I cant" I muttered
"You can Piper, look and tell me what you see"
I opened my eyes slowly, his hands still on my shoulders. I raise my head and caught glimpse of the sad face that looked back.
"I see someone whose not perfect" I whispered
"No Piper, you not, but neither am I, no one is, so stop trying to be" I turned around and met with Brian's gaze.
"I'm not what people want me to be, I'm letting them all down, I just want them to be proud of me, I cant do anything right, and I cant control anything"
"Like what?"
"I'm just not perfect"
"And people expect you to be"
I shrugged,
"I expect myself to be"
"Well stop it, stop concentrating on been perfect and concentrate on been yourself"
"How can I be myself when no one wants to see that? I'm expected to be perfect Brian, my parents want me to be a straight-A student, the students want me to be this perfectly polished cheerleader, the clinic just wants me to be 'better' whatever that means, that's what I'm supposed to be, and I'll never escape that, because that's what I want me to be"
"Are you sure?"
I looked down.
"I don't know anymore"
"Piper, you're killing yourself when you have so much to give"
"I have nothing"
"You everything if you look"
"I've failed everyone"
Brian sighed above me, his breath warm against my neck.
"Come with me"
"Where?" I questioned
"To a place where no one knows Piper Charmers, a place where you can stop and try and find who you are, not who they want you to be"
"Leave with you?"
He nodded, a smile softly changing his face. The thought crossed my mind, an escape, the type of escape I'd been searching for, release - my own release.
"Are you sure?"
"Hundred percent"
I didn't even really notice, but a smile peaked on my face.
"I'll go" I replied, hugging him tightly




Chapter Eleven
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