Chapter Four: On My Knees For You



I chewed on the end of a pen as another group pored out their feelings to the other 10 or so girls in the room. I couldn’t stop thinking about the letter Hannah had written, it was so eerie. I moved rooms first thing in the morning, but that didn’t really change anything, I’d managed to get a room by myself, which meant I didn’t have to room with one of the crying whiney girls that filled this place. Mom had come into see me this morning, but like an angry child I refused to see her, I think Annabelle had been with her, but frankly I didn’t want to see her either.

As soon as the “session” was done I made my way to the foyer, I needed to ring someone, someone who was going to try and get me out of this place – Carl.
Brian walked slowly towards me, his eyes set straight out me, his face showing very little emotion. He stopped in front of me and handed me an envelope. I looked at it oddly as I took it from his hands.
“Not till you see the reality, will you ever see the truth” he announced before backing away.
I sat down on the nearest chair as Brian left the building. I pealed open the envelope and pulled out its contents. They were photos, photos of Hannah. I looked at them, a look of Horror plastered on my face. She was smiling, but her eyes gave away signs of pain. She looked so young in the first one, standing awkwardly in front of a tree, a bulky high school jumper cascading down to her knees. Her face gaunt, expressionless, almost like she tried to force out a smile, but one didn’t exist. The next photo was newer, she had a slight smile on her face, she was standing next to Brian, I scanned down the photo and almost gapped, her pencil thin legs were given away this time, they were pale and looked like nothing more than bones with a seemingly dead layer of skin placed carelessly over the top. I flicked through more pictures, progressively her eyes became darker, her face collapsed her body became more frail. Then finally I turned to another picture, but this wasn’t Hannah, it was me. I looked down in disbelief I’d never seen myself like I was right that second. I looked up, determined not to look anymore, and saw a small flock of skinny girls walking passed me, then like a flash of lightning, I realized that picture told me something, something I never wanted to believe – I had a problem, I WAS just like them.

I dropped the photos to the ground and cried into the palms of my hands. An arm wrapped around me gently, I looked up through tear stained eyes and saw Brian beside me.
“I'm sorry, but I had to make you see” he whispered as I leant against him for comfort


I sat in Carmen’s office waiting for her to return, she looked at me in surprise as she walked in and closed the door.
“Something wrong Piper?” she questioned as she sat down on the leather chair
I looked down, almost embarrassed.
“I think, maybe, I” I looked up “I think I have a problem”
A kind smile eased across her face.
“That’s the first step Piper”


~ The Next Day ~

People weren’t really allowed to eat anywhere else except the dining room, but Carmen had made an exception. I sat outside in the glorious sun and breathed deeply the fresh air as Brian sat beside me. I looked down at the plate of food in front of me – pancakes.

“Do you want me to leave?” Brian questioned
“No” I replied “One bite at a time right?” I smiled
I slowly took my knife and fork and cut it up into bite size pieces. I took the first piece onto my plate, breathed deeply and placed the food in my mouth. I chewed, but unlike the times where I’d been made to eat, I enjoyed this one.
“Can I make a suggestion?” Brian smirked
“And that would be?”
“More Syrup, it’s the best way” he laughed as he poured practically a cup load of syrup onto the pancakes.
I grinned brightly, and he abruptly took my hand.
“That’s the first time I’ve ever really seen you smile”
I looked down shyly
“It suits you, you should do it more often” he added


~ That Night ~

I lay awake in the silent room, my eyes fixated on the ceiling above me. I had no idea what I was feeling now, but for a split second I thought maybe there was another in the room, until I realized the other voice was mine.

God, you ate so much today, you’re gonna get fat. Can you imagine, a FAT CHEERLEADER, what are you, stupid? God knows you must be, they’ll hate to Piper, you know that, they’ll hate you, and stare at you, because you disgust them, you disgust me.

I sat up in a bed of sweat and cried softly into my knees. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t change, I had to be in control – control of what? I don’t know, all I knew that moment was that I had none.

I ran to the sink and refused to look in the mirror as I emptied my stomach of its contents.

Open Fire, on my knees desires, what I need from you


~ The Next Week ~

I awoke slowly and with little energy as I had spent most of the night curled up on the bathroom floor. I sat on the edge of my bed and slowly dressed. My head was a mess part of it knew that I had a problem I knew I had a problem, but the other part wouldn’t have it. I think then, alone and frightened, I realized what Hannah had gone through. She knew she was sick, she knew she was killing herself, but she couldn’t stop, because the other side of her, the one that made her sick and scorned her face, was stronger. And the truth was, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it – the same was true of me. Before I even noticed Ana existed, she’d taken hold.

Tears ran silently from my eyes, Piper was gone.


~ Later That Afternoon ~

I ate breakfast only sparingly, I claimed it was that time of the month and I didn’t feel like eating. The truth was, I’d not had a period for at least 2 months, and not because I was pregnant, simply because my body was too weak.
“You okay?” Brian inquired softly as he approached the park bench where I sat
“Yeah, I'm fine” I smiled half heartedly
“I need to tell you something” he spoke gravely
I turned to face him, and prompted him to continue
“I need to go home for a while, there are somethings I need to sort out”
“With the band you’re in?” I questioned, he’d told me earlier about his band mates and alike, I didn’t know too much about them, but I had heard of them
He nodded softly.
“That’s okay, you don’t need to stay here” I announced, trying my best to smile. I could barely look at him anymore, for he thought I was doing good, when in reality I’d just learned to hide Me better
“You sure, you don’t mine?”
“Of course not Brian”
He stood, leant down and hugged me gently.
“Hannah would be proud” he whispered and instantly I felt a stab of guilt. She wouldn’t be proud of me, nothing had changed, I was still owned by a force I couldn’t control, a force that had killed Hannah, and would probably kill me.

He left a little later and promised to return in about a month. I smile graciously as he departed and flakily thanked him for everything he’d done. As he left, I shut myself away in my room and cried into the comfort of a pillow.

I cannot bare this anymore, I cannot bare the struggle inside of me. I want this to end for I have no control over life. I see now the truth, it’d buried inside me, and I cannot let it out, Ana has taken control, she owns me, I belong to her, I cannot escape, nothing but death will release me.

Through darkened shadows I travel
Lost in the depth of my mind
Searching for peace, where none exists
Struggling from this bind
On me knees now
In front of you
In your power I live
And die too
Depths of blackness
Envelope the night
As you hold me to this power
Ever longer tonight

~Piper




Chapter Five
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