Chapter Five: Confusing What Is Real



~ 2 Days Later ~

My sunken eyes starred deep into the mirror, looking for some sort of answer to what was going on within me. I knew that it would never tell me, never give me the key to understanding, but I starred into it all the same.

No one around me noticed much of a change, I continued the charade I’d started after Brian left. I ate dinner, lunch and breakfast, or so they thought. It was easy to fool them, harder now to fool yourself. I found ways to hide food off my plate, dump it when people weren’t looking, and continued to keep a smile on my face. This was deceit of the full kind, because I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Night was closing in and the mirror still hadn’t given me any answers. I washed my pale face quickly and dried it with the towel beside me. That’s when I remembered the ‘present’ Carl had given me.

Drugs were never my thing, and they never really would be. But right this second I needed release, and I thought maybe it would provide that.

I’d seen a line done a thousand times at parties, so I pretty much knew what I was doing. I laid some of the white powdery substance on a hand held mirror and cut it quickly with the blade of a razor. I rolled up a dollar bill and crouched beside the bed where the mirror and coke sat.

The hit was almost instant, a strange sensation burning up my nose, I wanted to stop, but I wanted release from my own torment more, so I continued.

An hour rolled passed, and I’d no idea how much I’d done. I leant up against my dresser, closed my eyes and cried the rest of the night away.


~ A Week Later ~

Night after night I found myself in front of the little mirror, not because I enjoyed the buzz the coke gave me, but simply so I could get up and carry on the next morning as though nothing was wrong. Carl had bought me more, and promised he would continue to do so.

His gaze on me was different than usual, I'm still not sure what it was, but something had changed, was it me or him? He soon persuaded me to leave my window open tonight, he would sneak on, and we would do a line or two together, and he spoke, in hushed words, saying we needed to talk.

I had very little idea what was going on in the world outside of this place, and maybe I didn’t care to know. I’d been dropped as head cheerleader, obviously, and I could only imagine what was been said about me.


~That Night~

Carl climbed into my window just after midnight without a trouble at all. He would stay two hours at the most, then leave before it got too light. We embraced like lovers and spent 10 minutes caressing each other as though we’d not seen each other in years.

We did a line each, and I was buzzing more than usual, it was almost like I was happy, though I doubted that was possible. It wasn’t long before out clothes had left us and we were going at it like rabbits on speed.

Two hours after arriving, Carl was leaving. He promised to be back, told me he loved me, and disappeared. I sniffed back the tears, did one more line, then drifted into a peaceful sleep knowing that there was at least one person who loved me just the way I was.


~ The Next Morning ~

I awoke startled by loud banging on my door. My head pounded as I questioned who it was.
“Piper, do you have any idea what time it was, your 2 hours late for breakfast”
I groaned to myself and fell back onto the pillow.
“Fuck you and your time shit” I muttered “I'm tired, so I'm sleeping in”
“Piper open the door”
“God, open it yourself” I screamed covering my head with a blanket, what the fuck was it with these people?

Key’s rattled outside and then the door opened and Carmen stormed inside.
“Get up”
“I'm tired”
“Piper, you know the rules”
“I'm not caring about your rules right now” I announced from under my blanket
“If you don’t get up right now you wont be able to go today”
I peaked out of the covers. “Go where?”
“Outside, you know, the world”
“I'm leaving?” I laughed sitting upright
“For some hours, your mother wants to take you to see friends, shopping, whatever else you want to do” she smiled softly
“Give me 10 minutes” I replied, smiling for the first time in a long time


~ Half An Hour Later ~

I starred out the Jeep window, taking in the world around me as though I’d never seen it before. It was an amazing Kentucky day, the sun sweltering in thick glorious rays, and I was out there. Mom convinced me to go to school for a little while, just to see people, show them I was doing okay. Mom commented on healthy I was looking, I wondered if she was just saying that, or was I fooling her as well?

We pulled into the school grounds, and my stomach suddenly knotted up. What have people been saying about me? Would they even know who I was? My second questioned was answered as a group of girls I didn’t recognize looked at me directly with wide eyes. They knew who I was alright, but what exactly did they know?

“I don’t think I can go in there” I muttered as Mom climbed from the car
“Why?” she questioned, stepping back in
“I bet they’ve all been saying things, I mean, you know, about me” I whispered, dropping my head
“Come on Piper” she urged
I sighed loudly and decided to step from the car. I breathed deeply as I closed the car door and wrapped my arms subconsciously around myself.

We walked into the main adminstation block, for a meeting with the principal and councilor (like I needed another one on my case). It wasn’t really much of a meeting, Mr. Smith, the principal handed me school work I was to complete in the clinic, which was given to him by each of my teachers, he then said “I hope you get better soon” which made me want to gag – what did he know? And that was that.

We wandered through the halls as I made the decision to see Carl, and thank him for last night. It was lunch time, and I figured he’d be where we usually sit. Just before we reached the cafeteria I noticed something out the corner of my eye, I turned around to the side, peered into the distance and nearly died. Carl and some blond were on a bench busy exploring each others mouths with their tongues. Mom saw too, and tried to hold me back, but I was having none of it. I marched up to him and tapped his shoulder. He looked up agitated, as did the blond – who I also quickly recognized, and my heart stopped.
“Annabelle? Oh my god” I cried, backing up
“Piper, what are you doing here?” Carl muttered, wiping his mouth of her lipstick
I sat there going from one to the other, how could this happen? Why did this happen?
“How could you do this to me? God How?” I screamed, no reply came
“Why Carl? Was I getting too fat for you now? Do I disgust you?” I announced through tears “I hate you, I hate you both” I screamed running away.
Mom followed as I ran to the car and demanded to leave.


~ That Night ~

I refused dinner and frankly nothing they could do you make me eat it. I sat curled up on the bed, watching reruns of some old TV program as for no reason tears ran down my face. I knew why Carl had left me, I should have seen it in his eyes, I’d gained weight, even just a little, but that must have been enough to push him away. I didn’t love Carl, and it wasn’t for him I wept, it was simply that I realized then, not only would I except myself fat, no one else would either – including Brian, he would run, he HAD run from me, just like Carl.

I ran to the bathroom and forced myself to bring up vile and saliva.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real





Chapter Six
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