Chapter Six - Darkened Thoughts



Warning: this chapter and others to follow are physcologically dark. They deal with thoughts of suicide, cutting, anorexia and pain. Please refrain from reading if this may in some way be offensive to you.

I do not condone the acts stated, nor suffer from them at this point in time. I do however realize that such things are rampant in the world around us. This is not an "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" time. We cannot ignore the truth, and perhaps with this story, you will see the truth.

If you suffer from depression and/or one of the topics discussed in this story, I strongly recommend you seek help. Talk to anyone with ears, you're not alone.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling, I cant seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure
~Linkin Park


I threw my head back in torment, slamming it had against the pillow beneath me. Over the week tears had been covered by thick black eyeliner as I tried, to no avail, to leave this place. I nibbled on my thumbnail and cursed my surroundings. I hated this place, it had been this place's fault I'd lost Carl, it was their fault I knew of the internal battle raging inside of me, it was their fault last night I dreamed about dying and craved it's peace.

I spoke to no one, left my room never. If they kept me here then they would certainly know I would do nothing to 'help them'. Darkness was beginning to close in as I wandered across the room. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the bathroom mirror, once I had been sickened by, now it simply angered me. My eyes narrowed, my breath quickened as I launched my fist directly into it. I felt no pain, simply saw the bright color of red blood trickling down the vanity. I cursed to myself, wrapping my hand in a towel that lay beside me. The shattered mirror still sat against the wall, tormenting my in slithers of brokenness. I backed off, clutching the fist that was bleeding. It screamed at me to return, to look in, to see what I had become. Nothing would shut the yelling up in my head. I crouched on the bed, pulling my arms around me, and buried my head into my knees. Nothing would shut it up, nothing.

I needed something to offer me relief, but what? Carl had not visited again, and I didn't want him to, so my coke supply was cut off at the jugular. I needed something that would show I was in control, I had power, something that would shut the screaming up.

The rhythmic sound of the clock on the opposite wall was all that could be heard in the darkening room. I switched the lamp on beside me and searched through my draws. I pulled out a Lady Shaver and starred at it, like I'd never seen one before. I flopped back down onto the bed and snapped back the top pink plastic, slowly but surely revealing the plain, sharp blade. I blinked a few times at the object in my hand and I cast the plastic aside. I sat back against the headboard of the bed and starred down at my inner thigh.

Power, control, power, control, power, control

Sense and reason left me for sure that night as the blade of a once innocent razor cut the flesh of a girl who'd run out of tears. The pain was strange at first, any bit of reason told me to stop, but was brutally ignored. Strange turned to exciting, turned to powerful. And finally powerful evolved into release.

I dropped the blood spotted blade onto my draws and lay back on the bed. The pain still tingled through my body as I closed my eyes to the world around. I didn't know what I was doing, or why I was doing it. Perhaps I was angry and needed vengeance, perhaps I was sad and needed release when tears were no more, perhaps I had no reason, perhaps now I was truly lost.


~ That Night ~

"What do you mean release her?" Leah questioned, her mouth gaping wide
"There's nothing more we can do for Piper, she wont take counseling, she refuses to eat, she's making life around here difficult"
"She's only doing that because she's knows that will give you a reason to send her away. Surely you can sit her down at a table, and she cant leave till she eats"
"We tried that, her and one of our nurses sat there till 2 in the morning, she didn't touch the food"
"My daughter is sick"
"I think she needs more than what we can provide"
"Like what?"
"A therapist, perhaps even a boot camp"
"My daughter is sick, not bad, you should be able to see that. Please don't send her out"
"Mrs. Charmers, she's picking on some of the other girls, she's destructive and I think violent towards herself
"Is there no one who can get through to her?"
"I'm afraid we've all tried, but to no avail. There was one boy who seemed to make her smile, but I haven't seen him in a while. He was the cousin of a young girl that died from anorexia"
"Where can I find him?"
"I believe he has family in Lexington, his cousins name was Hannah, Hannah Littrell"
Leah swallowed hard, she had to find this boy.
"I'm sorry we have to do this, Piper will be discharged tomorrow"


~ The Next Morning ~

The news hit like a ton of bricks, and joy overwhelmed me. I was leaving this place, and it was about time too. Carmen seemed distressed by my leaving, but I didn't even bother to wave as I triumphantly walked out of the door. That place was behind me now, no one could control me. No one could control it.

"I thought you could have at least tried" Mother sighed, her eyes red and tired as she pulled away from the clinic
"I'm not going home" I announced stiffly, ignoring her previous comment
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm a burden to you mother, I'm not blind, you sent me there to get rid of me, so all I'm doing is you a favor, I'll find somewhere to stay"
For the first time since I stepped in the car she looked across at me.
"I never sent you there to get rid of you Piper, I sent you there to help you"
I shrugged "Whatever"
She shunted her head back, and pursed her lips.
"We're going to find another place" she spoke, barely above a whisper
"No fucking way"
"Watch your mouth"
"Kiss my ass. You're not sending me to one of those places again"
"It's for the best god damnitt"
"You send me to another, and I wont come out of there in anything but a body bag" I swore, my blood boiling with anger
She looked across at me again, I couldn't read the anger form the pain, the fear from the strength.
"Piper"
I shifted my head to look out the window, and that's where I stayed, never giving her another glance or word.


~ That Night ~

"How's Dad?" Brian questioned, yawning down the phone
"He's fine, you however sound like you need some sleep" Jackie replied, laughing only slightly
"Long day" Brian shrugged as he held the phone close to his ear
"You don't need too many of them" Jackie sighed, a motherly tone spreading across her voice
"Mom, please, not know" Brian whined, scared another lecture on eating properly and getting rest was about to follow, he decided to change the subject, "Could you do me a favor?"
"What's that dear?"
"There's a friend of Hannah's staying at the same place Hannah was, I need you to give her my address"
Jackie frowned.
"Are you sure, you know what happened last time you gave out your address, you're whole lawn was covered with fans"
"I know, I know, but I thought about it this time. And I made a promise to Hannah, I know I can trust this girl"
"Well you know what you know" she smiled
"Could you do that for me?"
"I'm heading that way tomorrow, I'll drop by"
"Her names Piper, Piper Charmers. Just ask to speak to her, tell her who you are then give her my address and phone number. I cant ring in there unscheduled so tell her to call me, okay?"
"Brian" Jackie paused as she finished writing down the directions
"Uhuh?"
"This girl wouldn't be more than just a friend, would she?" she questioned, skeptisism plaguing her voice
"No, just a promise to Hannah, that's all" Brian replied


~ At The Same Time ~

I slammed my door shut and scathed at the bedroom I'd grown up in. I'd left Mom leaning against the counter in tears. Most people would be saying I should feel guilty, that's a horrible thing to do, but they miss one thing, I'm crying to, only, my tears are invisible, but I can tell you, they burn like sandpaper, and they never stop.

I was dropping out of Tate's Creek High, in fact High School all together. I couldn't go back, I WOULDN'T go back there, the torment would be too deep, cut too sharp. I cared not about the future, college, jobs, whatever. I didn't care, because I didn't see one, maybe even, I didn't WANT to see one. What kind of future is there for a girl that starves herself for passion and cuts herself for control? I don't see roses, white picket fences or walk in closets any where in my future, I see black, darkness, confusion, hoplessness, pain, and finally the relief - death. You see, they'll be no future for this girl, because there is no present, maybe I'm already dead. I think that may be true.

I lay down onto the bed, my eyes boring into the ceiling. Death would be my savior from the world I lived.




Chapter Seven
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