Chapter Seven: Loosing Control



~ The Next Morning ~

Jackie closed the BMW door loudly behind her as she looked up at the brick building she’d visited only once before. She checked the note in her pocket and carried on her way inside. When the receptionist in a clean white uniform looked up she quickly asked for Piper Charmers.

"I'm sorry, she checked out yesterday” the receptionist/nurse replied
"Oh, I'm sorry, is there anyway I can reach her?” Jackie inquired, knowing pretty much what the answer would be
“I'm afraid we cant give out personal information”
“Oh, I see, it’s just my son, Brian Littrell, wanted me to pass along a message”
A plainly dressed lady spun around, the name catching her attention.
“Mrs. Littrell?” Carmen inquired
“Yes” Jackie looked up
Carmen excused the other lady and stepped where she’d been standing.
“If you could please give Brian a message for me”
Jackie nodded.
Carmen scribbled down the message onto a pad, ripped off the note and handed it to Jackie.
“Thank you” she spoke softly, her thoughts with Piper


~ That Night ~

I starred as though intoxicated down at the tips of my fingers, they had become white and dull, like that of someone long dead. Ironic, I thought, for it did seem like I was dead. I don’t believe I wanted to die, I don’t think anyone really does, but what death brings them is sometimes the only thing they have. And what does death grant us lowly ones? Simple, it grants release, far better than any headache pills, quicker than any form of therapy, and more absolute than any drug legal or otherwise. It grants us release from our torments, from our nightmares, our insanity, our screams, but most of all it grants us release from ourselves.

Grant me release – grant me death.
~Piper


~ At The Same Time ~

“I'm afraid I couldn’t find her, she seems to have left” Jackie explained quickly
“Left?” Brian questioned, only barely above a whisper. Had she gotten that much better since he’d left? Was his promise completed?
“But, some nurse gave me a note to pass onto you, said it was fairly urgent” she continued
“Read it” Brian said hastily
Jackie opened the note and began to read.

Dear Brian

First and Foremost, thank you for your support and help with Piper, unfortunately it saddens me to tell you she has chosen the same path dear Hannah took. I'm afraid there was little I, or the clinic could do for Piper for she has lost all will to live. I wish not to burden you with this knowledge but I know that you can help her.

Piper Charmers
1246 Rivervale Court

“What a awful letter” Jackie spoke when she finished “She cant possibly be asking you to get involved, not after what you went through with Hannah”
“She’s not asking me to get involved mom, I already am. I’ll fly up first thing tomorrow” he announced before hanging up


~ At The Same Time ~

My head felt weak, spinning like I was stuck on an ever-turning teacup at Disney Land. I sat down on the cane chair in the corner of my room, tucked my knees up into my chest and hugged the lacy pillow I’d had since I was 5. I had very little thoughts anymore, or perhaps it was just that all my thoughts revolved around the same thing. I tried to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t. My dark thoughts were consuming me, haunting me, controlling me, and there was nothing I could do about it. My stomach groaned in displeasure, it was a sound I’d come to know, that and the soft constant tears coming from the room next to mine. Mother cried most nights, even enlisting the help of my father, he was just as lost as she was. She tried to carry on as normal, I'm assuming for the sake of my brother, but midway through vacuuming she would break down in tears. She never noticed I was watching, but it did break my heart. I wish I could hold her, make her understand. She would ask me why, and I would reply with the only answer I could come up with, “I don’t know”.

Please understand I never mean to hurt people that love me, I understand that I'm hurting them, I see that they are in pain, I know that, I understand that, but I cant change who, rather what I am. I'm Ana, trapped, controlled.

I drifted off softly into what I thought would be slumber, so tired I didn’t wake up when my body slumped and with a loud crashed fell to the floor.


~ The Next Morning ~

An IV was pumping a clear substance into my hand. I quivered at it’s sight, yet I was too weak to remove it.

“Get this out” I cried hysterically, suddenly realizing what they were doing
They were trying to make me fat, make me into everything that I despised, they were trying to control the uncontrollable.
“Piper, you fainted last night, bumped you’re head, these people are just helping” Mom spoke softly, her eyes clearly red from tears and lack of sleep
“Get me out, god sakes get me out” I kicked my feet ferociously
“Piper, this isn’t you”
My eyes turned dark.
Their trying to change you Piper, trying to take away your control, your power
“Get me the fuck out of here” I screamed and with a power I mustered up from some dark region I yanked the IV line from my hand.


~ The Next Day – Early Afternoon ~

“Brian, I don’t think you should get involved” Jackie begged her son as he dumped his bags and headed for the door again
“Mom” he sighed turned around slowly “I couldn’t save Hannah, but hell I'm not making the same mistake”
“Brian, Hannah dying was not your fault”
“I know, but I couldn’t save her, all I could do was make her a promise, one final promise, and you have to understand Mom, I have to keep that promise”
“She’ll hurt you”
Brian turned slowly around, opened the door and vanished behind it.


~ At The Same Time ~

“Piper, you need to go back”
I ignored mom and starred out the window. She wanted me to stay at the hospital, the place I detested with every ounce of my power. They grilled me about how underweight I was, I knew the nurses were looking at me with disgust, but they didn’t know anything, they didn’t KNOW. I wouldn’t stay there, and I wouldn’t go back there, I would avoid it like the plague, because they were the enemy, the ones trying to control me, well I wouldn’t let them, as long at I had hands to fight I would.
We pulled into the driveway and silently I slammed the car door and pounded up the stairs. I flung the front door open. Dad was sitting in the lounge with William. William appeared first, looking up at me with sad eyes, practiced? I wondered, I doubted very much he knew what was going on, but I knew by the look in his eyes he sensed pain within the family. I turned my attention away from him, he couldn’t understand either. I ran up the stairs, avoiding any conversation with dad as he walked from the lounge.

Minutes alone in my room, turned softly over to and hour. I sat on the floor, propped up by my bed, knees turned inwards, legs outwards, arms wrapped as tight as I could around my shins, staring at the object on the table that entranced me so.

A knife carelessly left in here after mother tried hopelessly to give me dinner. It was hardly sharp as I drew the blade across my index finger, but I heard once a person had tried to kill themselves using the cover of a magazine. I held it close to my face, staring at it in wonder as if it held some magical purpose.

I knew if you want to kill yourself by cutting your wrists, there was only way proper way to do it. If you cut across your wrist, you would bleed, but not much, and not enough to kill you really, if you were serious you cut a straight line from the palm of your hand and directly up the forearm. Because that cut the artery, a sure way to die within 20 minutes.

I grabbed a pen, determined not to leave the world without saying what needed to be said.

I'm sorry for the pain caused to you. Please know this is not your fault, I'm released now from my torment. I do love you, and will love always.
Piper

I took a deep breath and drew the knife down onto my skin. It’s touch was cold and sent a quick shiver up my spine. I shuddered, closed my eyes and pushed down. the pain surged through me, but tearfully I dragged the knife up my left forearm. My lips quivered as crimson blood streamed out of the cut I’d made.


~ At The Same Time ~

“Excuse me, is Piper Charmers here?” Brian inquired as the little boy opened the door
“She’s sick, mommy says she’s very sick, are you a doctor?” William inquired, just as Leah walked up behind him
“Sorry, can I help you?” she sniffed
“I'm looking for Piper, is she here?” Brian said with haste
“May I ask who you are?” Leah replied, looking at the stranger
“My names Brian, Brian Littrell, I knew her when she was at the clinic, my cousin Hannah was there as well”
“You must be the one Carmen spoke of”
Brian nodded slowly.
“Do you think you can help her?”
“I don’t know, I just know I cant leave her”
“She’s upstairs, first room on the left”
“Thank you”
“No, thank you, for caring.
Brian smiled softly and headed 2 stairs at a time to the room.


~ At The Same Time ~

I never liked blood, it always used to make me queasy, but now as it trickled and splurted around my arm, I felt a strange closeness to it. I’d covered my arm with a towel from the adjoining bathroom. Strangely I didn’t want to ruin moms carpet, that was my first thought, so when the blood came out, I mopped it up.

I heard the knock on my door and looked up in shock. I’d only done one arm, I was going to do the other one when the pain had slowly subsided. I ignored the knock, hoping the person would go away. They didn’t, they knocked again, louder now.

“I'm busy” I cried back, the blood soaked towel mopping up more blood.
“Piper, its Brian, please let me in”
My eyes widened. What was he doing here? Suddenly as I looked down at my arm, I wanted to scream, what had I done? What was I trying to do? I didn’t want to die, did I? At least not like this, what if it were William that found me, how would that affect him? mom, what would she think? God, what was I doing?

I wanted then to run away from myself, I’d lost control of my mind. I wrapped the towel around my arm, it screaming with pain. Put on a baggy loose jumper and walked to the door.

I could see the look in Brian’s eyes when I opened the door, despair, sadness, disgust, it was all there.

“What are you doing here?” I said weakly, my head spinning
“I need to talk to you” he spoke softly as he only slightly touch my left arm
I winched in pain.
“Piper what’s wrong?” he said quickly
I pulled up the sleeve on my jacket to reveal the blood soaked towel. I peeled it back, looked up at him with frightened eyes and muttered the words, “Help me” before I fainted




Chapter Eight
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