Chapter Nine: Mirror, Mirror



It was two days before they finally discharged me. A female councilor had come and gone throughout the days, but like the rest of the people that came to see me, I had nothing to say.

Mom had given up talking to me completely, I wondered maybe if she was going into denial, like if she didn't deal with it, then it really wasn't there - maybe it was better that way, she didn't deserve the burden of me.

I sat silently on the windowsill of my bedroom, my eyes dancing across the horizon, searching for anything that would present me with relief. I wondered, if only for a brief moment, where Brian was. And as a untouched sandwich sat beside me I thought softly of him.

A barely heard knock on my door bought me back to reality and I waited to hear another. Another knock came, and lazily - I had little energy (surviving on water and occasionally bread, or something which I later threw up again) - walked across the room to the door.

I opened it, and Brian stood opposite me, his face straight and unreadable. He invited himself in silently and I closed the door behind him. We both went to speak, but he hushed me with his hand.
"I need to say a few things, and I just want you to listen"
I nodded - I suppose I at least owed him that much
"I don't care what you think is going to happen Piper, but I am not going to sit around and watch a beautiful creature just fade off this earth, I'm not going to stand by and watch you do this, and I'm not going to walk away, no matter how hard you push, no matter how hard you try to make me leave, I wont, I wont let you give up on yourself" he paused and stepped closer "If you cant see what you're doing to yourself Piper, then see what you'll do to me" he paused again "I'm your mirror, what you do I'll do, you die, I die" he stopped, look down and from his pocket pulled a switch blade. He flicked it open and pressed the blade to his arm.
"What the hell are you doing" I screamed, grabbing his arm with the blade in his hand
"What you do, I do, I'm your mirror now" he replied calmly
"This is stupid"
"So is what your doing, you can see that if I do it, its stupid, why cant you realize if you do it, its just as stupid"
His words hit hard - he was right.
I backed away dropping his arm.
"You don't need to do this"
"Yes, I do"
"I'm sorry you made a promise to Hannah, I'm sorry I ever got involved in your life" I announced, my voice rising, "I failed you and I failed Hannah, like I failed god damn everyone around me, I'm sorry about your promise, I'm sorry about ruining your life"
"No Piper, this isn't about the promise I made to Hannah, this is about the promise I'm making to you" he stepped back and bent down in front of me "I know your scared Piper, and I know deep down you don't want to die, and I know you have the strength inside you to beat this, and my promise towards you is that I'm going to help you and I'm never going to leave you" he spoke softly, his southern accent much more refined and perfect than most, his eyes glossing over with tears.
"Brian this isn't your problem"
"I'm not leaving you"
"But you'll never understand. I'm like leprosy Brian, killing everyone around me" I cried "and I'll kill you too"
"Help me understand Piper" he touched my arm
"You cant, you'll never be able to, because you cant see through these eyes"
"Show me, tell me, teach me Piper, show me what you see"
I fell to my knees on the floor and his embrace became tight around me.
"Show me" he whispered as I cried into his shoulder
"Do you ever look around you and realize that you will never be what people expect you to?" I sniffed "Do you ever hate everything you are, because you cant control who you are? Do you ever scream, but no one comes? Do you ever cry yourself to sleep for no reason? Do you ever wish you could die because its so much easier than living? Do you ever just realize that you have nothing to live for?"
He said nothing, but held me close. The warmness of his arms making me realize this was the first I'd felt comforted in so long.

He pulled away slowly, his hands holding my shoulders, our faces barely apart.
"Let me help you" he whispered, using his thumb to wipe a tear from my eye
"Can you help me?" I questioned, wondering if such a thing was possible
"If we work together" he replied, a smile breaking softly onto his face
"I - I" I paused, looked down, then back up "I want to" I breathed, the words providing their own release in myself.


~One Week On~

Brian had spent a good part of the week trying to convince me to either go back to the clinic or see a physiatrist, I refused to do either. He thankfully let it pass.

It was almost afternoon and a glorious sun shone magnificently down onto the ground below. I sat with my feet pulled up to my chest on the wooden dining chair, staring out the French doors opposite me as Brian sung quietly along to the radio playing while he cooked - something.
The smell was thick in the air, but I had little idea what it was, it smelt like a cross between eggs and cheese, but for the life of me I couldn't decipher what it was, and Brian refused to tell me, saying it was a surprise.

The singing stopped behind me, and Brian danced around the table with two plates in his hand. He set the first down in front of me, another beside it, where he seated himself.

I looked down at the mess of yellow and green and couldn't contain the laughter.
"What is it?" I laughed, screwing up my face
"It's scrambled eggs, Littrell style"
My forked poked at the yellow mess, and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"It looks gross, I mean, really, who taught you to cook?"
He looked hurt.
"Well I did"
"Damn, this is wack" I smirked as I picked up a fork full. I grinned loudly as I pulled back the tip of the fork, then released it, flinging it across the table directly hitting Brian.
He looked horrified, then an evil grin grew on his face as he directed his own fork-slingshot at me.

I ducked as the yellow mess came flying towards me, sending it into the window behind me instead. Before we knew the air had become thick with flying eggs. The walls covered with the gooey yellow substance. Our faces covered in the same mess.

I collapsed onto the floor in a fit of laughter, Brian doubled over beside me. It was, I sincerely believe the first time I'd really ever laughed.

The laughing stopped beside me as Brian looked at me.
"Let's go outside, for a walk" he smiled, looking over me to the glass doors that gave away the magnificent day
"I don't think so" I replied, standing up
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a cloth, Brian following behind.
"Why?"
"I don't want to" I announced, shoeing him off
"You have to come up with a better reason"
I stopped wiping the mess off the wall and sighed deeply, the air pushing through my chest like a pressure pack. Truth was I'd barely stepped outside, let alone out into the public. Where we lived was by no means small, but everyone seemed to know everyone else, we lived in a neighborhood of older rich people, which meant they had little else to do bar gossiping about anyone interesting over a cup of tea and some biscuits, I knew I would have been the topic once or twice. I didn't want the stares from mothers, looking at me like I was the plague and could infect their own daughters, or the snide remarks of the girls my age, the following stares of the boys, the comments of strangers under their breath as they walk past "God, she looks sick", I could not, for a certainty, live that and still remain at least slightly sane. I wanted to explain this to Brian, but it would seem expressing my self was one of the many things I lacked the knowledge on how to do.
"I just don't want to" I finally replied, knowing that wouldn't suffice, but unable to do better
"Please Piper, the sun will do you good"
"But the people wont, I'm a social stigma Brian, an outcast, a plague"
"Nobody thinks that"
"Sometimes I wonder how niave you actually are" I sniffed, I didn't mean it in a cruel way, and I wondered if perhaps it had come across that way
"Piper, please, come with me"
His pleads, I could tell, were not going to stop no matter what I said, regrettable I sighed an unenthused "Okay"

We spent about 15 minutes cleaning, and I spent another 10 changing my clothes, and Brian borrowed a t-shirt and jeans my father had left behind, they hung loose on him, but nothing a belt couldn't fit, and it seemed to me anything Brian wore would fit him loosely.

I changed into loose jeans, a plain pink t-shirt and a black hooded jacked provided me a curtain for when we went outside. I wore my hair loose, hoping it's length would cover my face should anyone look for too long. I wore no makeup, certain it would do no good anyway, so I sensed no reason to even try. When I emerged from my bedroom Brian was looking at a cabinet mother had filled with photos of our family, his eye was fixed on one of me, taken a year ago, posing in my cheerleading outfit. I cringed at the thought and wondered how I ever managed to walk around in that thing.
"If we're going let's go" I announced, waiting his attention away from the photos
He smiled broadly at me, and I offered only a slim smile in return - all I could muster it seemed.

There was a park about 5 minutes from where we lived, a huge expanse of grass with a duck pond in the center and lined with trees that blew softly in whatever wind there was. I used to frequent the park by myself a lot, much to my mothers anguish. It provided a serenity I could never find elsewhere. A calm seemed to engulf me whenever I would watch the tiny ripples of the pond move across the water mirror.

Today, I felt would be different. I had no physical scares that anyone could see - the cut on my arm, I was told, would leave a permanent scare, though they never did tell me how deep I'd cut, but today it was covered by a jacket - but I knew they would look, some with wonder, some with intrigue, most with distain, I imagined parents telling teenage daughters "That's what you'll look like" or people muttering amongst themselves, things they've heard as the local coffee joint, rumors of mental illness, therapy, "She was in one of those clinics you know" and chorus' of "what are her parents doing so wrong?" echoed in my head. I stooped my head low and prayed no one would notice me, but I was destined to be wrong.

By all factors, it was a lovely day. The sun broke through the thick branches of the trees that lined upper class suburbia, not a cloud in the sky loomed over head threatening to ruin the day. Children rode scooters and roller blades down the sidewalks, laughing and talking with their own dynamic energy - something I wonder if I ever had.

The walk to the park was short, and the only people we'd passed were small children who could -thankfully- not give a damn about who was walking passed. Brian chatted idly away beside me, something about loving the smell of this place, the clean air he rarely got to smell anymore. It was then I realized I knew very little about Brian, and about the girl that had bought us together.
"How close were you and Hannah?" I inquired, interrupting mid sentence his opinions of the trees we were walking past
"Very close, we grew up together, aside from Mom and Dad, she's one of the few people I kept in touch with" he spoke with a subdued tone, a soft tender voice that expressed his deep emotion for a lost friend
"You must miss her" I said, kicking a loose stone on the footpath with my foot
"I always will" he sighed "But, it's best to look at all the things she achieved before, and all the fun we had then, the good times" he said with certain conviction.
I thought for a moment, then something I hadn't considered popped into my head.
"What school did she go to?"
"Tate's Creek" he replied, looking at me briefly
The same school I'd been to. Hannah was 2 years older than me, but due to birthdays she was only one grade ahead. I thought as hard as I could, but the name Hannah Littrell, rung no bells.
"She dropped out in her senior year, that's' when she got really sick, she never really told anyone what happened to her, and I don't think we'll ever really know, I mean she was a straight-A student, she was friendly, she wanted to be an astronaut, or a doctor" he laughed a little "she changed her mind as often as she changed her pants"
I was only half listening to Brian, most of my concentration struggling to remember her. if she dropped out in her senior year, and I was a year behind her, then that was the year Carl and I started dating and was elected head cheerleader, it would seem I was too wrapped up in myself to realize there were other people in the world. I sighed quietly, I never knew Hannah.
"She had issues about the way she looked from her junior year, I don't know why, she was always attractive, senior year, something sparked up it inside her" his tone dropped as did his head as we reached the park entrance.

I wished not to talk about Hannah anymore, because it surely meant dealing with her meant dealing with my own problems, problems I had yet to explain to myself.

The park had not changed at all, its brilliant landscape curved up around, like a Beverly Hills Golf course. It's grass pristine. Gardens were scattered around, each one lined with rocks. Chorus' of children's laughter broke through the air, bring a smile to anyone who had a mouth to smile with.

It was a Saturday, probably the worst day to venture in here, for I knew for a certainty I was bound to run into someone I knew, or at least knew me.

Brian tugged me along, passing the jungle gym, where a curly haired blond girl swung merrily from the bars, and two boys chased each other around below, sticks like swords in their hands.

The smell of pine was strong, but pleasant as we strolled through the walkways that mapped around the reserve come park.

I stopped suddenly in the brush of the thick trees as voices pushed into my ear. Laughing, giggling, a mans voice, maybe two, and girls, 3 of them, all familiar voices. Carl, it was definitely Carl, and they were coming this way. I turned but Brian caught my arm, I could not, for a second imagine seeing him right now, especially since I was sure who would be with him.
"Let me go" I pleaded in a hushed voice
He looked at me strangely, but by the time he let go, it was too late;
"Piper?" Carl announced in a voice that boarded on shocked
"Hi Carl" I replied simple, pulling the side of my jacket around my body
The others came up behind him, Annabelle was there, dressed in a short skirt and strapless top, flower patterned flip flops, her hair tied high on her head, it looked like she'd either been to, or was heading to, the beach.

Beside her was Cindy Jackson, my co-captain of the team, though I assumed since my departure she 'humbly' accepted my role. Her face was unreadable, she looked at me almost like I was strange, like a freak show in a circus, I imagined she'd participated in more than a few lunchtime banters about me, and after today I was certain they'd be plenty more. Greta was next to her, poised defensively, with her arms crossed and one leg out, staring at me like I held a poison apple out to her. I didn't know Greta at all, her nose to far up in the air to bother with I suppose, I couldn't decipher whether she was insulted by my presence or intimidated by it. On her arm was latched Brad Haughton, the spoilt child of two of the richest people in Kentucky, he was a vision of typical prep, Abercrombie clothing from one end of him to the other, I held Brad in very low esteem, as his cock seemed to rule over his head, and on plenty of occasions he'd tried to play that game with me, and was - of course - denied.

Each bore and expression, but each one different, Carl seemed shocked, perhaps even happy -though I think that's what I wanted to believe more than fact, Annabelle seemed a little embarrassed, though I was unclear whether I was the one embarrassing her. Cindy seemed almost amazed, perhaps the rumor had gone around I was dead, Greta's distain was obvious, and once again Brad had the look a man gets when he's thinking with his pecker.

Brian said nothing, but stood back, his arm at my side, I wonder it he thought I may collapse again.

"Whose you're friend?" Carl questioned, looking behind me to Brian
"Just a friend, his names Brian" I replied casually, I could tell by the tone of Carl's voice he almost saw this as cheating on him, though it would seem he was the one that couldn't keep hormones in tact.
Brian nodded his head casually, a guys way of saying hello, Carl returned the nod, but only slightly.
"What are you doing out here?" Greta questioned, arrogantly. It was obvious by the tone of her voice she believed I should be locked up somewhere in the far recesses of 'reject' hell, with tartan and demin vests.

I ignore her comment as turned my attention to Annabelle, it seemed, from the look in her eyes I was the one embarrassing her, perhaps I'd given her the same social stigma I felt I possessed, she was in fact the once best friend of a freak some might say.
"I don't see what all the problem was about, I mean most girls throw up, especially if they hold themselves in any sort of esteem, couldn't you handle it?" Greta spoke, her red glossed lips poised into a smile, and in those few words I realized why I was like I was, because once I used to think exactly the same way
Her words felt like a shot gun blast to my head, but I tried my bets not to let it show.

"That's some sick idea of reality" Brian spoke up behind me, his arm touching me gently
Greta looked shocked, but it barely fazed her, maybe it was that she thought he should drop to his feet and worship her, she did after all think herself some sort of goddess.

Brian softly turned me around, doing what I wanted to do, but could not - walk away. His arm was around me now, his eyes locked on them like they were hungry lions seeking to devour the helpless sheep.
"Why don't you get your hands off my girlfriend" Carl announced, yanking Brian's arm away from me I whipped my head around.
"Was Carl, WAS been the operative word, you left me for Annabelle remember"
"Shit, you need to loosen up" he almost laughed
I wanted to reply but Brian was moving me away again. "You don't think I was serious fuck wit?" Carl spat Brian ignored him, and whispered "don't worry about them" into my ear
"Fine, you can have her, the bitch got fat anyway, she's damaged meat" he laughed, getting a short laugh from Greta "Hey Piper next time you slice yourself open do it properly" he shouted,
Brian stopped beside me, removed his hand and in own swoop smacked Carl straight to the ground. The three girls jumped back and Brad almost laughed as Carl groaned on the floor.
Brian looked at each one separately, then narrowed in on Annabelle.
"None of you deserve the air that you breathe, and I hope one day reality will hit your hard rich asses and you'll realize you have nothing worthwhile in your life, and no one to blame but yourself"
He spun back around took me by the waist and walked me out.




Chapter Ten
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