"What I Really Meant To Say"

(Cyndi Thomson, Chris Waters, Tommy Lee James)


The wedding had been absolutely beautiful. White sheer lace draped over the sides of the pews, lit vanilla scented candles adorned the cathedral, violins played soft melodic hymns as the guests watched the bride and groom exchange vows. Not a dry eye was left in the ceremony.

Now, at the reception, in the exquisite, classy country club, the guests watched in awe as the newlyweds waltzed across the dance floor. Soon, the melody changed, and several other couples took their place on the floor as I stood silently observing the scene before my eyes.

I should have been happy, dancing on that floor. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was unhappy and alone, and I feared that I would be this way for quite some time. Not wanting to feel any more sorry for myself, I turned around to get some champagne. But then I saw him.

It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air

He walked over towards me, his bright blue eyes gazing intensely into my brown orbs. He stepped in front of me at an arm’s distance.

"Hey Therese," he greeted, with a hint of nervousness detected in his voice.
"Hi Brian. How are you?"
"Oh, I’m doing pretty good. Been real busy lately." He fidgeted slightly and picked at his fingers. "How about you? How’s life been treating you?"
You asked me how I’ve been
I guess that’s when I smiled and said, "Just fine."
Oh, but baby I was lying

So badly did I want to admit that life was treating me miserably, that I was lonely, and that I still loved him and wished that we hadn’t broken up, but I restrained myself and simply smiled.
"Oh, I’m doing just fine. I finally got my degree in psychiatry, so I’ve been working at the clinic a lot."
Brian returned the grin, "Well, that’s great. It seems like life’s been treating you very well."
Yeah, right. Sure it has.
What I really meant to say
Is I’m dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There’s not a night I haven’t cried
And baby here’s the truth
I’m still in love with you
That’s what I really meant to say

For a moment, we just stood there rather awkwardly, our eyes either fixed upon the wall or the tiled floors. The tension between us was so thick that anyone could cut it with a knife. Finally, he cleared his throat and spoke up.
"Well, um, I’m gonna go now and find Leighanne."
Leighanne? Who’s Leighanne? I quickly glimpsed at his left hand and sure enough, there laid a diamond platinum wedding band upon his ring finger.
He continued, "It was great seeing you again."
I smiled weakly and gathered up the courage to go up to him and gave him a hug. "It was great seeing you too, Brian."
He wrapped his arms around me and I closed my eyes savoring the smell of Safari on his neck, savoring the warm gentleness of his embrace, savoring the touch of his soft skin against mine…just plain savoring the moment.
To my dismay, we broke apart, afraid of the emotions that penetrated through us during that short embrace.
"Take care Therese." And with that, he smiled and walked away.
And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt

I watched as he approached a pretty, blonde woman and gave her a loving kiss on the lips. Tears began to brim in my eyes.
I held back the tears
Held on to my pride and watched you go
I wonder if you’ll ever know

He wrapped his arms around her slim waist and whispered softly in her ear, inciting a smile across her face. The two then walked out of the room, their hands intertwined. I couldn’t hold them back any longer. I finally let the tears run freely down my face.

What I really meant to say
Is I’m dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There’s not a night I haven’t cried
And baby here’s the truth
I’m still in love with you
In avoidance of making a bigger fool out of myself, I hurried into the nearest bathroom and locked the door behind me, thankful that it was barren. I crouched down against the door and let the sobs take over me.
And so, I sat there crying.
What I really meant to say
Is I’m really not that strong

I cried for Brian.
No matter how I try
I’m still holding on
I cried for our lost love.
And here’s the honest truth
I’m still in love with you, yeah

But must of all, I cried for myself.
That’s what I really meant to say
That’s what I really meant to say

"I love you, Brian"

That’s what I really meant to say

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