AEGISweb Anecdotes: Outtakes

The Tea Ceremony That Time Forgot
Legend of the Five Rings PBEM
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: L5R

[Subotai's (Gelo Bautista) tea ceremony had been languishing in the PBEM for weeks without moving. Bored and impatient, I decided to see if I could prod the guys into action with a little parody ... The persimmon-spy joke is an allusion to Willem's character Hayama, who had disguised himself as a persimmon vendor only to be caught and later identified by Geiami (Joshue Sazon) because he smelled of said persimmons.]

In a simple but elegantly-appointed tea house, eight persons kneel in a ring facing inward, some with tea bowls or chopsticks poised, the others engaged in soft conversation.

Outside the window, it is spring; a persimmon tree sways gently in the warm wind, its leaves green and its branches dripping with spies, er, persimmons. Beyond are visible the rooftops of the temples and palaces of the capital.

Within the tearoom, all is muted as the participants share in the spiritual communion of a slow and stately cha no yu.

Outside, the persimmon's leaves are brown, and the spies, er, persimmons, have all fallen or withered.

The cha no yu continues.

The persimmon's leaves have turned russet and begun to fall.

They sip their tea.

The persimmon's branches are now weighted with snow.

They sip some more tea.

Beyond the ancient persimmon, the city has been transformed into a cubist mass of glass-faced towers. A Shinkansen bullet train whizzes by.

They bow their heads and meditate together.

An awful mutation has happened to the city; it is a steel jungle, vast and monstrous, sprawling all over the landscape. Strange machines flit through the air, and somewhere a quartet of women in flying armor is chasing down a rogue monster of steel.

And the cha no yu goes on ...

Subtle. [Bob Moreno]

The Return of Tamori, Episode One
Legend of the Five Rings PBEM
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: L5R

[Kitsu Tamori (Henry Vargas) is dreaded by the other L5R players for his extreme cheesiness. This outtake is from the scene where Subotai (Gelo Bautista) finds out that his superior Toku has assigned him to be Tamori's host.]

Camera zooms in on Subotai's face as he looks up from reading the letter, Zooms in closer to an extreme close-up as a shocked expression begins to spread across his face.

Scene changes to utter black and a bloodcurling scream is heard. Camera zooms out and the blackness solidifies into what appears to be a mouth. Camera zooms out more, it is Subotai screaming. Scene changes to a top view of the Tea House, scream is still ongoing. Zooms out to encompass Otosan Uchi, scream is still heard.

Change scene to a little child running to her parent, "Mama, what was that?" she cries. She responds, "That my child is the scream of Subotai, the samurai to whom Toku has assigned the duty of hosting Kitsu Tamori..."

On board their starship, one brown-robed man turns to another. "Did you feel that?"

"Yes. A great disturbance in the Force ... "

"Should we help him, Master?"

"No, Obi Wan. It is his destiny ... besides, wrong movie."

The Butterfly and the Mad Monk
Legend of the Five Rings PBEM
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: L5R

[It is the morning of the day of Subotai's tea ceremony. Unbeknownst to each other, Genji Hotaru of the Butterfly Clan and Togashi Jo Shimito the ise zumi (tattooed monk) are making very similar preparations for the occasion ...]

A servant awakened Hotaru an hour before dawn ...

A horse awakened Jo Shimito an hour before dawn ...

A faint wash of reddish-gold began to creep over the horizon. As it grew, Hotaru's eyes were drawn to the shifting play of light and shadow on the sands where the ebbing tide had planed the beach smooth. A lone seabird alighted, cocked its head, then began foraging. Suddenly all elements felt right, and Hotaru knew he had what he came for.

He came out of his trance and began to paint.

A faint wash of reddish-gold began to creep over the horizon. As it grew, Jo Shimito's eyes were drawn to the shifting play of light and shadow on the sands where the ebbing tide had planed the beach smooth. A lone seabird alighted, cocked its head, then began foraging. Suddenly all elements felt right, and Shimito knew he had what he came for.

He came out of his trance and began to chisel.

A strange disturbance brought Hotaru out of his contemplation of his finished painting.

*What in Amaterasu's name -?!*

Something went *chink*

*Chink, chink, chink, bang, THUD!*

He leaped from the rock and whirled around.

The boulder he had been sitting on had been transformed into a sculpture of a seabird Doing What Came Naturally After a Heavy Breakfast, complete to the last detail. Behind it crouched a bald, ascetic-looking man clad in little more than a full-body tattoo, hammer and chisel in hand, and he was staring at Hotaru in awe.

"I ... I ... I have brought the stone to life!" The ise zumi's eyes were round and mad. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha - I am the greatest!"

A single very large drop of sweat manifested on Hotaru's brow.

Mistaken Motives
Legend of the Five Rings PBEM
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: L5R

[Thanks to a bad attempt at trying to match cryptic speech with an ise zumi, Genji Hotaru has convinced Togashi Jo Shimito that Hotaru is to be served up as a repast for Subotai's tea ceremony. Jo Shimito spends the rest of the morning mourning for his friend; unfortunately, Hotaru is not only known by his regiment for being a heartbreaker, he is also so handsome he gets mistaken for a woman all the time. Which leads to even worse trouble ...]

For the rest of that morning, Jo Shimito was Hotaru's faithful shadow.

When Hotaru repaired to the plain outside Otosan Uchi to train with the regiment, Jo Shimito was there, seated on a large rock with his chin pillowed despondently on one hand, watching the dashing young officer with sad eyes. Ever so often he would breathe a mighty sigh of depression.

Two samurai of the Sapphire Wings happened to decide to rest their horses nearby, and noticed Jo Shimito on the rock.

"Say," said one, "you think he's all blue because of the Commander?"

"Looks like it," opined the other confidently. "Looks like a bad case, too."

"But ... but ... " the first one shook his head in evident confusion, "doesn't he *know* the Commander is a ... [man?]"

"He's *ise zumi*!" the other exclaimed. "They know everything! And he was talking with the Commander when he arrived! Of course he knows."

The two samurai looked mutely at each other, then at Jo Shimito, then again at each other. Simultaneously reaching the same conclusion, they both silently resolved to put as much distance between them and the ise zumi as possible.

And now for some Broadway …
"War of Winter"
GM: Adrian Martinez (AEGIS)
Sys: MATRIXX

The party has entered what seems to be a long-deserted castle, and in one room they find a circular inscription with symbols they cannot decipher. Finally, Father Nevin (Josh) succeeds in his roll and manages to partially decode the writing.

Adrian (GM): "You believe the glyphs are a prophecy of an important event, that will come with a certain alignment of the planets …"

Tommy + Dariel: " When the Moooon is in the seventh house, and Ju-pi-ter aligns with Mars …." (for those too young to know it, that’s the opening line of "Age of Aquarius" from "Hair")

Thriller
"War of Winter"
GM: Adrian Martinez (AEGIS)
Sys: MATRIXX

Adrian was beginning to set the mood for a late night meeting at a tower. He never sees these musical gags coming.

Adrian (GM): It’s close to midnight...

Tommy: ...and something evil’s lurking in the dark...

Adrian (GM): Yes...that’s right. (suspecting nothing)

Josh: ...under the moonlight... (Adrian STILL suspects nothing)

Tommy: you see a sight that almost stops your heart... (would you believe Adrian still didn’t see it coming?).

All players then start dancing ala Michael Jackson’s Thriller video...while continuing the song. Adrian buries his face in his hands and shakes his head in disbelief.

Pendragon: The Rock Opera
"Pendragon: Boy King"
GM: Adrian Martinez (AEGIS)
Sys: Pendragon

Deep in the Forest Sauvage, our merry band of knights is wandering around searching for an ancient tomb from which we must lift a curse. Something approaches from out of the fog ...

GM (Adrian): You see a shape coming out of the fog ...

Cinhil (Dariel): A silhouette?

GM: Yes.

Cinhil: Is it human?

GM (Adrian): Well, it's manlike in shape ...

Alas for Adrian, this gets evil thoughts running in my head.

Cinhil: So, it's a silhouette of a man?

GM: (Oblivious) Yes.

Cinhil: It's still some distance away, right?

GM: Yes, about fifty yards.

Cinhil: So it's a little silhouette of a man?

GM: (Beginning to suspect, but it's TOO LATE; everybody else is already grinning) Yeees ...

Cinhil: I see a little silhouetto of a man ... (Strumming motions on imaginary guitar.)

Everybody: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?!

(We got as far as the "Galileo!" line before collapsing with laughter.)

Ryoga, is that you?
"Pendragon: Boy King"
GM: Adrian Martinez (AEGIS)
Sys: Pendragon

Still in the Forest Sauvage, the party encounters Sir Clarence of the Red Feather, a knight who's been cursed to wander the forest these past twenty years. Anime otaku that we all were, there was only one burning thought in our minds ...

Augs: "I take off his helmet! Is he wearing a bandanna under that thing?"

Dariel: "I splash him with cold water! Does he change into a pig?"

After this and similar jokes, Adrian is convinced that Rumiko Takahashi is somehow taking control of the universe.

Value for Your Money
GM: Dariel Quiogue (The Band of Rorax)
Sys: Twilight Age

On the trail of an abducted princess, John and Barry enter a fortress-town and start sniffing around for clues. John, a quick-draw expert with his scimitar, decides to case the ruling warlord’s castle in the guise of a beggar; he finds one in an alley, and the following exchange occurs…

John: "I toss him a gold coin. `Here’s a coin; give me your cloak in exchange.’"

Beggar: (bites the coin to satisfy himself it’s really gold, then looks up to John’s character with a big smile) "For another gold piece, Master, I’ll sell you my loincloth …"

Next Scene: A round black thing rolls down the alley and into the square, leaving a trail of red smears ...

Famous One-Liners
Various Games

Castle Falkenstein (Mensa RPG)
"This is the age of high romance, swashbuckling adventure and great balls..." (Adrian)
(comment: while orienting new players to a milieu, be careful in your choice of words)

Star Wars (Band of Rorax)
GM (Augs): "The force of the blast sucks the life right out of you!"
Barry & Dariel: "Ohhh!"
(comment: that game session stopped right there ... we ended up playing something else, Augs was too cracked up to continue.)

D&D (Band of Rorax)
GM (Augs): "There is a mosaic of an eye in the middle of the floor. It blinks at you."
Barry: "I blink back!"
(comment: try batting your eyelashes at an necromancer's magical watcher, it can generate lots of surprises.)

The Quickening!
White Wolf East
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: World of Darkness

Rianna Utengku (Farah), thanks to her b----y ways, managed to piss off some Awakened passerby. When her back was turned, he magically hurled a pebble at her and hit her head, knocking her out. When she came to, she was being roughly awakened by Akasuki Miyoshi (Ralph). Thinking he was her attacker, she responded by trying to wrestle with him, and ended up grabbing a rather vital portion of his anatomy.

At this point, things were already hilarious enough, but I suddenly remembered something; I was an Immortal (a la Highlander), right? So -

Dariel: "What you're feeling, Ralph, is the Quickening!!!"

Stranger in a Strange Land
"Baron Munchausen"
GM: Dennis Ching (AEGIS)
Sys: Castle Falkenstein

Aslan el-Kaffir (Dariel) is a renegade Afghan prince who has fled to Europe to escape assassination. In his travels, he finds himself a guest at Castle Falkenstein, where as Resident Exotic of the Month he gets mobbed by the ladies at a grand ball. That is, until ….

El-Kaffir (Dariel): "Pray, explain to me this western barbarian infidel custom called … bath?"

And again …

El-Kaffir: "So, Lord Ambershae, do you take your women with you to these … baths?

Ambershae (Adrian): "Why no! But that’s a great idea …"

El-Kaffir: "Alas! But what about sheep?"

Ambershae: (Shocked expression) "Why, NO!"

El-Kaffir: "Alas …"

Shave!
GM: Victor Cabazor (The Band of Rorax)
Sys: D&D

Jenna (Barry) insults Bolero ConTodo (JJ) by calling him an "old man." Bolero whips out his rapier and with a few expert flourishes converts Jenna's martial arts gi into a Mai Shiranui-like costume (basically covering front and back, but open at the sides).

For some strange reason, this started a gag about armpit hairs, until...

[A baby porcupine comes out from under a bush, looks at Jenna, then begins to cry] " Mom? Dad? Ohhh, the big bad human is taking my mommy and daddy away!!!"

Shipworms
GM: Dariel Quiogue (The Band of Rorax)
Sys: modified GURPS: Hyborian Age

This happened at the quays of Messantia, capital and main port of the kingdom of Argos. Ascalante (Augs), a renegade Aquilonian mariner, spots a band of Stygian priests - the same ones who have been kidnapping and murdering his former shipmates - boarding a galley while he's on watch.

[Augs]: "They're the ones, right? I throw a bucket full of torpedo worms into their ship!"

[GM (Dariel)]: "Uh-huh - where did those come from?"

[Augs]: "Why, from our ship, of course!"

[GM (Dariel)]: "Doesn't that mean yourship is now sinking?!"

Sniper!
"Paris: A night at the Opera"
GM: Joshue Sazon (AEGIS)
Sys: Castle Falkenstein

Vermilion (Vic) has just shot the kneecaps off the sinister Count (Patrick). When the gendarmes arrive on the scene, Von Munchausen (Nikos) tries to explain the situation.

Bear in mind that both Vermilion and Von Munchausen are armed with heavy custom-made, spell-enhanced hunting rifles. Thing is, Von Munchausen never said anything about stowing his piece before talking to the gendarmes.

Von Munchausen: "The whole city of Paris is going crazy! There's a madman going around shooting people, and he's carrying a big gun - whoops!!!" (Tries to put rifle under his coat, a little after the fact if you ask me.)

Can I Pull Your Ding-Dong?
GM: JJ Mijares (The Band of Rorax)
Sys: D&D

Father McCall (Ron, playing a character based on The Equalizer) is investigating an ancient abandoned church in a village that has been cursed with eternal winter. For reasons known only to himself, when he finds the cord for the bell, he decides to pull it. Unfortunately, Father McCall was standing right underneath the bell, and pulling the cord dumped all the accumulated snow on the bell on him.

Ellis (Victor), a perky, ditzy half-elven thief barely out of childhood, sees this and finds it great fun.

Ellis: (In cute little-girl voice) "Hey Father, that looks like fun! Can I pull your ding-dong again, huh huh huh?!"

Father McCall: (Incredibly deadpan) "By all means!"

Survival Skills
"War of Winter"
GM: Adrian Martinez (AEGIS)
Sys: MATRIXX

As the session begins, the party is about to set off in search of a mysterious band of she-druids, who are supposed to be living in a lush, primeval oak forest. Moraid (Dennis), one of the party's sorcerers, is checking on the preparations being overseen by Cathal (Dariel), who as a practitioner of druid magic and a shapeshifter who regularly turns into a wolf is naturally appointed the party's wilderness expert.

Moraid (Dennis): "You better take care of all the survival skills, Cathal. I suck!"

Cathal (Dariel): "I can see where you get your protein!!!"

[GM (Adrian)]: "Oh my God, that was just the first line ..." (it was the first line of the game session)

Make Your Orders Clear
GM: Augs Cabazor (The Band of Rorax)
Sys: Star Wars

Ganelon Shrike's ship Gazebo Centaur is being chased by a flight of TIE fighters. Realizing that he can't outrun the fighters from where he is, Ganelon (Dariel) decides to power up his shields and weapons and rush the fighters head-on, hoping to surprise them and then escape. As the ships close in, Ganelon calls for his gunner Buttfuzz the Ewok Death Commando (Victor) to take a potshot ...

Ganelon (Dariel): "All right, we're in close range - Buttfuzz, give them a squirt!"

[Victor]: "You hear the sound of running water ..."

Ganelon: "NOT THAT KIND OF SQUIRT!!!"