What I did to help me through the first Christmas (and probably the second, third, fourth...)

The holidays are approaching.  YUCK!  Please bypass this year.  Be easy on me.  Give me time.  I need more time before I go through a holiday.  This is what I thought when Christmas was coming.  Normally, I love Christmas.  I love decorating the house, inside and out, cooking, baking, wrapping presents, decorating the tree, all of that.  But trying to celebrate Christmas without my son, was going to be harder than I imagined.   I didn't want to do it.  I wanted to pretend it didn't come that year.  But with other children, we had to celebrate it through our tears and heartache.  I'm not going to tell you what you should do.  Nobody knows what you should do except you.  For me, I couldn't avoid the holiday especially when I have other children who are so anxiously awaiting the day.  Stephen and I went to a seminar called, "Getting through the Holidays".  And I am so glad I went.  One of the speakers there was a man who lost his wife a few years ago.  He told us that for his first Christmas without his wife, he did the "normal", yearly things.  Sent Christmas cards, bought presents for everyone, had the traditional Christmas dinner, all of that.  He continued by saying that it was the worst Christmas ever.  The next year, he didn't send out cards, he didn't buy presents for everyone, and he had a potluck Christmas dinner.  Even though he and his wife did all those other things yearly, he had to change it for him.  It was too hard for him to continue the "normal routine" and he changed it.  That was the best thing he did for him.  After his story, he read a poem that someone gave to him.  This poem touched all of us that were there.  This poem soothed all of our hearts so much that this man had to run and make photocopies to give to everyone.  This is the poem:

Christmas in Heaven I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart. So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear, And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I send you each a special gift from my heaven above, I send you each a memory of my undying love. After all, "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold. It was always most important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do, For I can't count the blessings of love He has for you. So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear, Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem changed my views on how I was going to celebrate Christmas.  I soon realized that I was looking forward to Christmas with some minor changes.  The most obvious one being that I didn't have one of my children with me, but I also realized that Noah is in the most beautiful place to celebrate such a special occasion.  Not only was Noah in heaven, but he is with the person where Christmas originated from.  How wonderful would that be?  I can only imagine the angels and how They celebrate Christmas in Heaven.  For me to celebrate Christmas, I had to do something in memory of Noah, and also my father in law.  To acknowledge Noah and my father in law, I bought two pillar candles and I typed out this poem and put it in an eight by ten frame.  I set the poem up on a shelf (out of reach from the little ones) and put a candle on either side, waiting to light them Christmas morning.

~ Christmas in Heaven ~

When we awoke Christmas morning, the first thing we did was light our candles.  We didn't blow them out until we went to bed that night.  On Boxing Day (the day after Christmas), my family came over for supper and I lit those candles again, first thing in the morning.  I also did something else in Noah's memory.  I decided that I wanted to give my family and friends something from Noah.  I made a card with the poem written on the front and a special note inside written by Noah.  We gave each person something special of his.  I explained how Noah would play with the toy and some of the silly things he did with it.  I also found some "art creations" and gave one of those to my mom and to my aunt, explaining how Noah loved drawing and coloring with Mikhayla and Brody.  This brought me a lot of peace and made me feel that Noah is still with us, celebrating Christmas right along side of us.  And I know he will always be here.  Forever. I had my family (the women) in tears.  They loved Noah's present so much and it meant the world to them.  The men were wondering what the heck was going on with all these women crying!  But when they read the cards, they too, had a tear in their eye.

Stephen's present to Noah

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