We were very blessed, my pregancy proceeded without any futher problems, until the morning of my due date. On the morning of the 26th (which was Chance's due date) I was getting my son off to school, and Michael off to work, ever thing was normal, until I went to the bathroom. I was bleeding again, to me it seemed like a major disaster. I didn't think I should be bleeding, but my doctor, and the nurses at the hosptial didn't seem to be concerned. I spent the whole day in L&D, with nothing happening, no contractions, no dilation, just bleeding, and I was told it was not bad, it was nothing. After about 8 hours, I left. Against doctors orders, but I was hungry, and uncomfortable, and not in labor, so I went home. I had enough time to eat dinner, and have a bath, then I was on my way back to the hospital.

The bleeding was getting worse, and I was really concerned. At least this time when I got to L&D my doctor was there. All day he had been in the office seeing patients, so I hadn't seen him. He immediately order an ultrasound, and discovered that I had a placenta abruption. Everyone started getting worried now, I was forced to sign papers giving consent for a C-section, and the doctor decided to break my water, to see if there was blood in the sac, luckily there wasn't, it was clear. It was about 1 am on the 27th of March, and my doc started petocin for me. I went from being a finger tip dilated to 7 cinimeters in about 35 minutes, then from 7 to 10 while the nurse was checking me. I can remember the doctor had checked me about 20 minutes before and I was like 5, so he says, "ok I'm going to lay down, I'll see you in a couple hours," then fifteen minutes later, I tried telling the nurse I needed to push. She didn't believe me, but I kept insisting, then she checked me, she was like "Oh, your only about 7cinim........ Oh my God! Your 10," then she turns to another nurse and says "Get Him!" The doctor made it into the room in just enough time to catch my son. I pushed three times, and he was here!

I gave birth, naturally, to a perfect, healthy, 6lb12oz baby boy. I know that I was very lucky, Chance's birth was a miracle in its self. I have heard so many stories of babies dying because of a placenta previa, yet our son was born naturally and he was fine. We were so very happy, our family was complete. We had wanted a girl, but I wouldn't have changed him, even if I could. I felt special, I had 3 little boys!! Life was good! His life however short, was meant to be. He was a gift, and we were very blessed to be the family God choose for him. We had chosen Chance's name before we ever concieved. About 6 months before. His name means so much to me now, it is perfect for what his life has come to mean to me.

In December of 1995 while I was pregnant with Chance, my sister-in-law, passed away from breast cancer. She was 35, and left behind 3 children, ages, 15, 5, and 3. My heart still breaks for these children, their lives were shattered when they lost their mother. I look at my Bryce, who is 3 now, and think, Staci was his age when she lost her mommy. I love those kids like my own, they have had a hard life. I pray that one day they all find peace and happiness in thier lifes, they have earned it. My mother, who lives in Louisana, spent about a month or so in Florida helping my brother out with the kids, and in March of 1996, she came to N. Carolina to be with us, when Chance was born. I have to say she was a little jealous, of Michael. When Devan and Bradly were born it was just me, my mom, and my sister. Mama was with me for both of their births, and she played a big part in helping to raise them, until I moved away.

I think she resented that she wouldn't have all that with the new baby. I just wanted her to be happy for me, and I know she was. She was just sad because she knew she was going back to Louisiana, and wouldn't be as close to Chance as she was with the other boys. I will forever be greatful that she was there with us. She was with us for the first 3 weeks of his life. Easter was the only holiday we had with Chance. For Easter that year, mama was already there with us, and my sister and her fiance (Chance's godparents) came to visit, and my recently widowed brother came from Florida, with his little ones. So, most of my family did get to met our son, I am eternally greatful for this.

My dad didn't ever get to meet Chance, and because of health problems, he couldn't travel when Chance died either, this I will always regret. Chance was greeted in Heaven by his grandmother Lily, (whom he would have been named after had he been a girl). Michael's dad and step-mother were planning on visiting for memorial day, we were very excited about his visit. Chance died a week before memorial day.

On monday, we had went to have portraits done, but we had to reshecdule the appt. Chance was just real fussy that morning, so we scheduled for a later date, ofcourse we never made it. So we never did have portriats made. We only had snapshots, but at least we had lots of these. One Wednesday, May 16th, we had a doctors appointment, Chance's 2 month, even though it was a little early, he wasn't quite 2 months yet, and I was having my 6 week exam, a week late. Chance and I both had our appointments together, and everything was fine, baby was healthy, and growing. Mommy was doing great too.

Our last day together was a normal day, except that daddy came home from work early that day, another blessing. We all spent the evening together, like any other night. I can remember I cooked stuffed green peppers for dinner, first and last time I ever cooked them, but I always remember. On Friday May 17th, 1996 just seven short weeks, 1 month and 20 days,exactly 50 days after he was born, I woke up at 3am, Chance's feeding time, there was a nightlight on so when I looked over at him, I knew right away that he was gone. He was lying on his back (only son out of four that sleep on his back, and he died that way) and he was so still, and pale. He didn't really look bad, except there was a bloody froth all around his nose and mouth. I just screamed, "oh my God!" and Michael jumped up, and grabbed the baby, and I grabbed the phone and called 911.

We tried everything to bring him back again. But I knew he was gone. I knew from the first moment, and I knew it was SIDS, SIDS was my worst fear, with all my boys. I used to hold Chance and I would think about him dieing, dieing from SIDS. I could see him lying in a tiny white casket, with all our family there mourning. I would try to shake these thoughts out of my mind. I loved my baby, and I wanted him so much, I felt so bad for thinking about him dying. I didn't understand how I could be thinking such things about my perfect little baby, but I was. This caused enormous guilt for me. Now, I think maybe it was God's way of preparing me. I would see angels coming and imagine them bringing my baby home. I hated thinking about this, but I did.

When I found Chance that morning, my whole world fell apart in an instant, because I knew. My mind was screaming, and I was trying so hard to bring him back to me, but he was gone. Chance died in bed, between Michael and me. I am so thankful that he was there with me, if he had been in his crib when he died, I would have never ever forgiven myself. It was always my belief that if your baby was near you they will hear your breath, and they wouldn't forget to breathe. I know now that this isn't true. Though at that time, I would have always wondered, what if he had been sleeping with me, would he have lived? So that is why I am so thankful that he was with me, when he went to heaven. Considering the dept of my fears, I never put Chance in his crib, maybe for short naps, but never for the night. Every single night of his life, I prayed when I put him to sleep, I begged God to let me keep my baby, I guess he wasn't listening. I really thought I could keep him safe from SIDS. Now I realize that there was nothing I could have done, no matter where he slept, or wheither he sleep on his back or tummy, nothing could have stopped it. For surely if any thing was going to safe a child, wouldn't it be a mother's prayers? I know that I done everything I could do to love him, and make him happy, and try to keep him safe. In those 7 short weeks I was the very best mother I could be, the best mommy for Chance.

I rode in the ambulance with Chance, while Michael dropped the older boys off at a friends house. It took less than ten minutes for the doctors to confirm what I already knew, my son was dead, and they were saying SIDS. We were lucky, because I have heard horror story about parents being mistreated, by police, and doctors, at the time of their babies death. We were treated with respect and compassion, I am thankful for that. The trauma nurse that night was wonderful, she brought me to a room so I could be with my baby. She took pictures for us, and let me cut a lock of hair. Chance was the only child I had that was born with hair, and I always said it was for his mommy. I was all alone waiting for Michael, wondering how in the world I was going to tell him.

When Michael walked into the room, I was holding Chance against my heart, all wrapped in a blanket, trying to warm him, there was tubes and needles all over him. His eyes were even opened a little. He didn't look dead. Michael walked into the room and says,"Is he ok now, he's ok right?" All the joy I had given him, when I brought Chance into this world, I took away, when I had to tell him, No, our baby died. That was one of the hardest things for me, telling him that night, that, no, our baby was not alright. It was equally as hard to tell his big brothers, that really weren't so big, that their baby that they loved and wanted so badly had died. I don't know how we got through those times, somehow we did... There are so many small things, that stab you like a knife. Michael's sister gave birth to a daughter, that was the spittin image of Chance, as we buried our son. Chance died on the day before the anniversary of his grandmothers death, 5 days after his daddy birthday. I recieved his birth certificate on the day we buried him, and the stamp they put on it was dated May 17th, and since he died before 3am, his birth was certified after his death.

I hardly remember his memorial services at all, I remember pieces, mostly I was in shock. I was also on medication, so most of it is fuzzy. I can remember that I started freaking out, when I realized I wouldn't get to hold Chance again. When we had left him at the hospital, I wasn't thinking, this is my last time to hold him. So later I was freaking out, saying I need to hold him, I had to. The funeral director was great, he let us have time alone, and I got to hold my son one last time. I don't remember when, but too soon, all my friends were gone, back to their lifes, Michael was back at work, everyone was going on, and my life was over. My whole life revovled around taking care of my boys, and ofcourse when there's a newborn baby, they require most all your time, and suddenly that was gone. I didn't know what to do. For nine months I carried him under my heart, and cared for him those 7 weeks we were blessed with. What was I to do now? The only thing I could do, I shriveled up within myself, hoping I too would die.

After what everyone though was enough time, I was expected to get over it, let it go. I couldn't do that, I will never do that. No one wanted to hear his name, and was scared that if they spoke his name it would upset me, remind me, what a joke. I was dying inside to hear someone speak his name. To know that someone else was thinking about him, I want everyone to remember him, but it seemed I was the only one that did. I was so alone. Eventually I guess people stopped feeling sorry for me, and oh how I wanted the whole world to feel sorry for me, my baby had died, how can anyone be happy? The days went by, and I was pregant again, and that was hard too, but that is a whole different story. My grief was put on hold, as I struggled to deal with the joy, and fears of having another baby.

After Bryce was born, and when he reached an age at which I could relax, I really lost it, I think this is when I hit my worse point. I wanted so badly to wither and die. The only thing that stopped me from trying to kill myself was my three boys. I hurt myself physically, and I hurt my family emotionally, those little boys saw their mommy go through hell and back, it was so hard. Too many times my husband thought he was going to loose his wife and the mother to his children. I was hospitalized for depression, and for addiction of painkillers. This cost my husband his job, and almost cost me my children. I knew I needed to get myself together, but I couldn't, I didn't want to get better. It had been almost two years, yet I still wasn't ready to go on.

Shorlty after this I moved to Florida, and that is when the healing began. Moving to Florida was very good for me. It is hard because Chance was laid to rest in N. Carolina, so I am not able to visit his grave, and this hurts me. Other than that, it's the best thing we could have done. It really helps to have his memorials, and website that I can visit. I don't know how, or when exactly it happened, but it did. I went to work for a while, and that helped tremendously. On day, it dawned on me, that I wasn't laying around all the time, looking for a reason to stay miserable. My life was going on, and I was actually enjoying it again. That makes me feel guilty at times, but I know that I am not wrong. The only person that will fault me for feeling happiness is myself.

Chance's life was so short, I will forever yearn for just one more moment, another chance, with my Chance. Yet now, I am able to remember him, and smile at his memory. I now have learned to think about his life, instead of his death. A part of him, is left with each of us, and he does live on, in my heart I have always wished that he would come to me in a dream, or show me some kind of sign, a sign the he knows his mommy loves him, but it has never happened. The only dreams I ever had where nightmares, about his death The only sign I ever had, were all the signs I had before he died. The ones that haunt you, and leave you forever living with guilt.

I lost my very best childhood friend, for 19 years we were best friends, but after Chance died, I changed so much, everything changed. The ending of our friendship is a long hard story, lets just say, she used Chance's memory, and the pain I went through, to hurt me. Three years after his death, she threw it all in my face, over a silly argument, something that had nothing to do with Chance. I just can't forgive that.

Sometimes I do miss the friends I had in my life before my life changed, but I am at a happy place now in life. I have friends in my life that do love me, just the way I am now. I guess they didn't know me before, so it's not like they had to deal with all the changes. . I won't apoligize to anyone for what I went through, the only apoligy I owe is to my boys, for all the suffering they watched their mama go through.

There are days when the pain is a raw as it was on May 17th 1996, somedays the heartache brings me to my knees. Most days, it's with a smiling heart that I remember my son's life. I can remember a time when all I could think was, my baby's dead, my baby's dead, over and over... it consumed me. My most vivid memory of him was his death. It was his most signfigant moment. Now I can see the other things, I can actually remember his life, days that we spent together, these memories are what makes life go on. It is pushing 5 years now, wow, I never thought I would be here, but I did make it, just like all the mothers that supported me said I would. I couldn't believe it at that time, I simply wasn't ready. It can only happen when your heart is ready to heal, and there is no timetable for that. I don't think it has gotten easier, and I haven't gotten over it, I would never want to 'get over it', I have only learned to live through it. Each day, I try to look at what I still have, and make the most out of the time I have been given, while I wait out the days until my family is all together again.

Chance, Mommy loves you, and misses you so very much. I will always yearn to have you in my arms. It doesn't get easier as time passes, for me each day with out you is just another day that we missed out on. Our family will always be incomplete, even though you are always in our hearts, and on your mommy's mind. I would go through 10 times the pain again, just to have one more moment with you, it is worth every tear I've cried to be your mommy. I just wish you could have shared your life with us. Thank you so much for letting me be your mommy, for belonging to our family. I know that we are special because of you. I love you so so very much my baby, I can't wait till we are together again. Love, mommy

This is the memorial for Chance's funeral services. We felt very proud of the way our son's life was honored by everyone dear to us, and those that had never heard of us. The kindness of others is what helped us thru this nightmare.

Here are some pictures taken the day of my funeral. My mom and dad are so sad but now I can watch over them and my brothers.