“Ahem

Part III

 

 

“Ahem. Buffy,” Giles shuffled and cleared his throat.

 

Buffy looked up from research and gazed at him with suspicion.

 

“Why do you look like you’re gonna say something all Watcher-y?” she asked, arms folded. “Don’t even tell me I have to take Spike out again!”

 

“Well, um, no. Actually, yes. But that’s not….I was hoping you could take him for a few days?” Giles sounded distinctly nervous.

 

“Oh, I’d say she could,” drawled Spike from the couch, looking quite interested. He muttered something about ‘stamina’ which went ignored by all.

 

“Giles! No!! Me and Spike? No! In my house? No!” Buffy looked truly horrified.

 

“Now, pet. You’d think you didn’t want me.”

 

“Spike. Shut up.”

 

“You keep sayin’ that, I’m going to start thinking you mean it.”

 

She looked at him warily.

 

“Buffy, please. You’d be doing me a tremendous favour. I have a friend coming…” Giles interrupted the exchange, looking at her hopefully.

 

“That’s the orgasm-friend, int it?” supplied Spike helpfully. He was greeted with two resounding scowls.

 

“But why meeeee?” wailed Buffy. “Isn’t there anyone else on the damn planet he can annoy? No, always me!”

 

“To be fair, I did ask Xander but he had other plans.”

 

“Yeah, too busy shaggin’ his demon bird,” Spike, ever the font of information, enlightened her. “You know, pet, everyone’s having sex except us!” He gave her a look of pure innocence. She did her best to ignore him.

 

“And Xander suggested your house because your mother is away…” continued Giles.

 

Spike cocked an eyebrow at this news.

 

“Oh, I’m gonna kill that boy!” ranted Buffy. A thought struck her. “I can just kill him!” she said excitedly.

 

Giles looked somewhat confused.

 

“Spike!” she clarified. “If I just stake him now then – poof!problem solved! He doesn’t have to live anywhere!”

 

“It is tempting,” agreed Giles soothingly. “But I think he may prove a more useful ally if you don’t kill him. For the time being,” he added to Spike’s evident concern.

 

“Oh, that’s just great! When I want to be a nice, normal girl it’s all ‘Go kill vampires, Buffy!’ but when I want to kill one then suddenly everyone changes the rules!” she grumbled loudly. “Suddenly it’s my destiny to sleep with the vampires….I mean have them sleep in my house!” she hastily corrected herself.

 

“So – it’s settled?” asked Giles hopefully.

 

“All right,” Buffy gave in. “But you owe me so big time for this!”

 

 

*****

 

 

“Spike, come on! You don’t own anything, it can’t take you this long to pack!” complained Buffy, checking the time yet again. He was doing this on purpose.

 

“If you steal anything, I can guarantee you’ll be sorry!” threatened Giles, removing a bottle of scotch from Spike’s interested gaze.

 

“Why would I even bother?” asked Spike with disgust. “Even if it wasn’t all trash, I’ll be back in a few days. Won’t I, mate?” he finished with a smile.

 

“Oh yes!” said Buffy with conviction. “Unless he annoys me, in which case he’ll be dead before then.”

 

Giles looked less than enthusiastic.

 

“He’ll be back here unless you want an insane psycho-slayer who can no longer tell the difference between watchers and vampires!” Buffy further explained, looking pointedly at Giles, who shrugged.

 

“Come on Goldilocks, Big Bad’s all ready to move house,” said Spike with an air of impatience.

 

“You know this can’t end well!” said Buffy, glaring at Giles. “Vampire and Slayer in the same house. It’s like a recipe for disaster. It’s like some bad film…”

 

“The Odd Couple,” said Giles with nostalgia.

 

Buffy frowned. “We’re not a couple!” she said defensively and left, Spike and his bag following behind.

 

“Just don’t you even think you’re going to try anything!” she snapped at him as soon as they were out of earshot.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, love,” he replied, looking innocent. “And aren’t we going to patrol?” Buffy was marching at fast pace past the cemetery.

 

“No. Home,” she said, not in the mood to elaborate. She was sick to death of patrolling with him. And at least at home she had earplugs, she thought.

 

“Knew you’d want to get me home,” he smirked.

 

“You are going to sleep in the basement and be very quiet and not annoy me,” Buffy explained carefully.

 

“Or?” he challenged.

 

“Or I tie you to a tree in the woods and put a sign round your neck saying ‘Hostile 17.’”

 

He contented himself with pulling faces behind her back.

 

 

*****

 

 

“Come in,” she said reluctantly. “Words I will regret till the day I – get the next deinvitation spell done.”

 

“You callinWillow in for that?” he asked, stepping over the threshold. “Better be careful, we could end up getting married again. Though lately you don’t seem to need spells to….”

 

“Spike,” she said firmly. “You are entering my house. Where I live with dozens of stakes and gallons of holy water. Do you really think this is the time or the place to piss me off?”

 

“I’m just saying…”

 

“And that will be solved by you closing your mouth.”

 

“You know, your mum’s a much better hostess than you.”

 

“Basement! Now!”

 

“Come on, I’m hungry!” he whined.

 

“All the more reason for you to get out of my sight. I don’t want to be put off my dinner by the sight of you slurping blood!”

 

“And what am I having?”

 

“What?”

 

“Dinner?”

 

“Didn’t you bring blood? You took long enough packing.”

 

“Well. Yes. But I was hoping for hot chocolate and marshmallows.”

 

“Are you insane?” She looked at him, bemused.

 

“Your mum made it for me last time I was here!” he objected.

 

“Of course you’re insane. Why do I even have to ask? What the hell did you think was going to happen? We were going to sit up watching films and drinking hot chocolate?”

 

“Not exactly,” he replied, a twitch of a smile crossing his face. “I mean, we do have unfinished business from the other night…”

 

“Basement. Basement, basement, basement,” chanted Buffy, covering her ears.

 

“Because if you let me stay up here, you wouldn’t be able to resist,” he nodded, understandingly. He recoiled from the force of her punch.

 

“I’m going,” he grumbled.

 

“And stay there,” she added. “Or we’re doing this with chains!” She cringed as she heard her own words hang in the air. And noted his grin.

 

“How do you explain the other night to yourself?” he asked, as he left without turning around.

 

Stupid vampire.

 

 

*****

 

 

Stupid vampire. And his stupid words that resounded through her stupid brain.

 

Agghh! Why am I even thinking about this? This is his plot to drive me insane!

 

She had kissed him. And she had stood in the middle of the street and let him….touch her. And she hadn’t stopped him. Not for a very long time, at any rate. Not only was he evil, he was the most annoying person she had ever met. And he wasn’t a person. And….. I have got to stop thinking about him.

 

Stop thinking about him being just downstairs, probably wide awake and….

 

Stop thinking. Just go to sleep and forget the whole thing. And make sure there was a stake near at hand in case the vampire in the basement with the open invitation to her home decided to pay a little visit.

 

He wouldn’t.

 

He might.

 

Creep into her room in the middle of the night and climb into her bed and……

 

Did she want him to?

 

Her not-sleeping was disturbed by a racket from the basement.

 

What the hell is he doing down there?

 

A sound of breaking glass reached her.

 

I’m not going down there.

 

A thunderous crash.

 

This is some stupid trick.

 

The entire house vibrated.

 

That’s it. Gonna kill him.

 

She got out of bed in a bad temper and threw on a dressing gown, cursing him. What the hell did he think he was at? If he was breaking stuff for the fun of it she was going to….she wasn’t very sure what, but something. Something bad and very painful.

 

“Spike!” she called threateningly, as she opened the basement door. “Some of us sleep at night!”

 

She tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light.

 

“If you’ve broken our basement I’m handing you over to my mother and she can deal with you! You’ll be sorry then!”

 

“A little help down here, pet?” was the only response.

 

She gazed into the now silent blackness of the basement.

 

“What were you doing?” she demanded impatiently, cautiously making her way down the unlit stairs.

 

“Demon,” he replied. “Over there somewhere.”

 

“Spike, I can’t see where you’re pointing,” she reminded him, “And if you’re lying, I’m gonna personally see to it that…..”

 

She finished with a yell as something hit her hard from behind, sending her sprawling to the ground.

 

“You find it?” called Spike.

 

This thing was strong. Buffy finally managed to roll it off her back and clamber to her feet. She matched it blow for blow.

 

Spike joined the fray, grabbing it by the neck and throwing it backwards. It ran at him with a roar. Swinging from an overhead pipe, he kicked it with both feet into the path of Buffy who jabbed a knife into it.

 

It melted into a pool of green slime.

 

Which was washed away by the torrent of water coming from the newly-cracked water pipe.

 

“Spike!” she screeched as the flood grew. “Do something!”

 

“I’m not a bloody plumber!” he grumbled, fiddling with the pipe as water continued to pour from it.

 

“You’re not a gymnast either, you idiot! My mother is going to kill me if she sees this!”

 

“Do you normally keep demons in your basement or was that a special treat for me?” he enquired irately as he worked.

 

“This house was demon free until this evening. Why does trouble always seem to happen where you are?”

 

“Don’t you go blaming me! I saved you!”

 

She snorted.

 

“And I’m not sleeping down here now!”

 

“What, are you afraid of the dead demon?” she mocked.

 

“No, bitch. This place is under two inches of water, that’s all!”

 

She shrugged.

 

He grasped the pipe with two hands. “Do I get a bed or do you want a proper flood?”

 

“You wouldn’t!” she made a move towards him.

 

“Is that a dare, pet?”

 

“Fine,” she said, exasperated. “Sleep upstairs then.”

 

She thought for a moment. “What kind of demon was it?”

 

“You askin’ for my help, love?”

 

“Well, you can see in the dark, can’t you?”

 

“True. Information comes at a price, you know.”

 

“What price?” she asked with suspicion.

 

“What bed am I getting?”

 

“You’re out of your undead mind!” She began to walk away.

 

“Like you don’t want me,” he said, bounding after her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

 

Ughh, you’re all wet,” she complained, struggling against him.

 

“Not the only one, am I?” He laughed at her as she kicked at him. “It had a tattoo, by the way.”

 

“What?”

 

“Your basement-demon. Tattoo across his face. Now, you ready for bed?”

 

He spun her round. She prepared herself to say something cutting and dismissive and very, very firm…..because nothing could happen….

 

“Spike,” she said, “This is silly. And wrong. We can’t do this. It’s insane. I mean, it would be crazy and tomorrow….”

 

“Slayer,” he interrupted calmly. “You know what?”

 

“What?” she said, hypnotised by his stare.

 

“It think it’s your turn to shut up.”

 

He trailed cool, damp kisses down her neck, growling as he came in contact with her bite marks. That growl seemed to travel through her body, making her skin tingle.

 

She pulled his head around towards her own and they kissed violently.

 

“N-noooo,” she whispered, holding back.

 

Summers, shut up,” was the only reply and she found herself splashing to the wet ground. He kneeled over her, gazing at her.

 

 She grabbed him by his soaking T-shirt and pulled him on top of herself. As they kissed, he pinned her arms above her head, flattening her against the floor.

 

“Chip?” she asked, breaking the kiss and sounding confused.

 

“Well, well, well,” he said, the significance hitting him. “Maybe you want it.” Yup. God bless the government.

 

Not waiting for her reply, he attacked her neck again, biting at it with human teeth and feeling her eager response. Was there any chance that she secretly wanted to be drained dry? Probably not.

 

Refocusing his attentions, he tugged off her dressing gown and pulled at her pyjama bottoms. He found his hands meeting with hers and prepared for resistance, shocked to realise that her hands were working very much in tandem with his own.

 

Between them they discarded her pyjamas, pulling aside her dressing gown in the process.

 

Buffy had moved to the more challenging ground of his trousers, where she worked at his belt with trembling hands.

 

Slayer’s gone insane, thought Spike. She found what she was looking for. Long may it continue.

 

He hovered above her and their eyes met. Are we really doing this?

 

Leaving no time for either of them to come to their senses, Spike drove into her, hard and fast.

 

“Fucking hell,” they breathed in unison.

 

She grasped his upper arms tightly, digging her fingernails in and trying to control his pumping body. Why did this feel right? Wasn’t right. It was as wrong as anything possibly could be. She was fucking Spike in her mum’s basement….and if he stopped now she was going to kill him.

 

He was barely aware of her efforts. Nothing was going to stop him now…nothing...nothing….

 

She came with a strangled scream; clutching at him and shaking.

 

He wasn’t expecting that.

 

It shouldn’t make him feel all…….triumphant, that’s all. He’d made the Slayer scream. He would taunt her about that for as long as they both lived. That’s all.

 

He continued to pound into her, feeling her quiver beneath him, moaning softly. That did it.

 

Collapsing on top of her, they lay there for a moment, almost embracing.

 

“God, that was good,” she managed eventually.

 

“Ready for round two?” he asked, hoping he was himself.

 

“Oh yes,” she agreed, with a fervour that removed his own doubts.

 

She threw him on his back and mounted him. He groaned, raising his hips to meet her.

 

 Goin’ soft, he chided himself.

 

“Not to be complaining about this little scenario, pet, but where’s that bed I was promised?”

 

 

*****

 

 

Buffy woke with a start, and a feeling of dread in her stomach. Sitting fully up in bed, her head turned reluctantly to the grinning guest beside her.

 

“Oh god,” she moaned.

 

“You know, this I could get used to,” said Spike, appraisingly.

 

“Oh god!”

 

Much better than the Watcher’s place.”

 

“Oh dear god, what have I done?!”

 

“Could be kind of cosy. You and me, nice house, comfy bed.” He struggled with all of his vampiric strength to maintain a straight face.

 

“No!” she screamed, bordering on the hysterical. “You’re leaving! In fact you’re leaving right now!”

 

“Isn’t it a bit sunny for that?” he asked, calmly.

 

She threw him a murderous look.

 

“Now, now. No need to be like that. If that’s how you feel, I’ll be on my way tonight. Won’t bother you again.”

 

“I said now!” She hurled a blanket at his head, followed by his clothes.

 

“I think I get the message.”

 

She stared determinedly at the opposing wall as he got dressed.

 

“I’ll just remove the awful temptation that is me!” he said cheerfully, leaving the room.

 

Her breathing slowed to something resembling normal as she heard the door bang. She threw herself back on her bed and tried to think clearly.

 

Things to do today: clean up disaster-site basement, explain missing vampire to Giles and contact Willow for urgent de-invitation spell.

 

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