You know you are in the wrong church
The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts
the congregation to "witness"
New members are required to submit their pay slips and recipts for
the last 10 years.
One of the church elders takes you aside and instructs you in
unstopable ways to commit suicide if captured.
The Pastor regularly attends 'meetings' at Las Vegas and Atlantic
The newspapers refer to the church facilities as a "compound".
You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10
The women's choir are all married to the pastor.
The cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
The Pastor preaches a sermon on ancient heresies and the elders
want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church statement of faith,
a cyanide pill and an Uzi machine gun.
The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a
problem with their choice candidate, his boyfriend refuses to allow
him to be ordained until the church re-decorated in pastel pinks and
You have to call the Pastor "Your Supreme Archemandriteness".
You are only allowed to pray facing a certain direction.
To become an evangelist means you have to shave your head, wear
orange robes and sell booklets on the streets pretending the money is
for a childrens school in India.
Listed under church activities for the weekend is "Witch Burning".
There's pictures of goat heads in inverted pentagrams everywhere.
The worship songs include "If I could hie me off to Kolob" or "Let
us do obesience towards our glorious theocratic organization"
Halfway through the sermon the Pastor starts channeling messages
from the 'other side'.
You have to remove all your clothes and be blindfolded for the
initiation ceremony if you want full membership.
You are told you must go through a 'clensing process' to be
acceptable enough to enter the main building.
You need a dictionary written by their leader to understand the
The Pastor preaches a sermon on 'how the end always justifies the
You are grabbed off the street and bundled into the back of a van.
Then driven off at high speed to an unknown destination for
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