I opened my eyes. Things were a bit hazy at first; slowly, I realized I was on another flight. Everyone else seemed to be fast asleep. I just had an unusual dream; I dreamt I had died. Where am I ? Oh! God, it had happened to me again: I could not remember where the hell I was going!
I should really fix that appointment with my doctor. Probably it is this work pressure which is causing this. Oh, hell ! - work - the scam, that was last night, wasn't it? A flood of images from the past came rushing back: I had been working late, trying to cover up this scam like the others. Finally I had given up, accepted that I would have to resign - it was the only way out, the gaps were too many, the auditors too close. I had not had the heart - or was it courage ? - to tell my wife the bad news. She was sulkily sleeping on the other edge of the bed because I had insisted on working late. I was tossing and turning, unable to sleep, my mind burdened by possibilities. I remembered the smell of something strangely reminiscent of a hospital. A smile hovered on the edge of my seat. I looked up: air-hostess, good-looking, lovely actually, a straight A. There was even an angelic air about her. "How long is it for landing?" She smiled as if a child had asked her about a TV ad for condoms. "There is no time, sir." That sounded like my boss, frantic as usual. Everything had to be done yesterday. But she couldn't get away with that nonsense. "Should I ask then where we are going?", I said sarcastically, not knowing the answer. "Oh, hell", she said softly. I gave up. Don't they teach them to be nice any more? Or just plain decent? I made a mental note: never take this airline again. I took out my boarding card; incredible, it couldn't be. I read it again: in clear bold letters, it said "DEST : HELL". What kind of a joke was this? "There's nothing to worry, sir; it's perfectly okay." "No, you can't be sending me to Hell. Surely, I am not so evil as to be sent to Hell, a few financial scams and I would have resigned anyway if you had given me the time. And just one affair, and even that didn't come to anything. This is so unfair!", I pleaded desperately. "It's okay, sir. It's just that Heaven and Hell have merged recently and the merged entity has been named Hell. Both sides agreed that it was the more popular brand name. Hell has been so well advertised on TV these days, and in churches too. Don't worry; we shall be reaching the Pearly Gates in no time." "Hmmmm!", I said, closing my eyes to clear my muddled thoughts. "Would you like a drink?", a sweet voice whispered in my ear. A sexy young thing stood beside me, a glass of J&B - my favourite drink - in her hand. The dress was a little, well, skimpy, and it had all the right curves to show off. Definitely an A+. I stretched my arm out, as much to hold the glass as to hold her equally inviting hand. But before I could say "You are so beautiful, my dear", the earlier girl appeared. "One moment I leave him, and there you are with your last temptations. Can't you ever leave a good man alone?", she glared at her with dangerous goodness. Oh, well, I thought, I better be careful, shouldn't blow my chance to go to Heaven. No need to panic, I am in the big league after all, being treated like Christ. After those scams and that stupid needless confession about the affair - surely God could not have known about it, even my wife didn't - I decided to take no chances. I preferred the fruit juice; the angel gave me a brochure to keep me occupied. I flipped through the attractive document. This merger had occurred recently; the boards had just become one, with two joint chairmen, the names were no surprises. The docket hailed this historic union of good and evil; it predicted that both would become stronger as a result. It seemed the line between heaven and hell had been increasingly fading. Both had expanded beyond control in the last few years, the explosion of the dead on earth had begun to hit them too. The suburbs had grown until the two places had begun to overlap. Each had influenced the other; procedures of analysis and judgement had become by and large the same. The merger was a natural conclusion. The synergies were obvious. No longer would two sets of records be kept for the same human; a single data centre had become the source. The technical chaps had started a major project for an on-line multi-user database ( it will probably take all eternity, I thought ); Transportation too had simplified. It had become increasingly expensive to bring the humans over quickly and to send messengers over. Purgatory had cheaper transportation but it had not flourished because of its bad marketing : a neither-here-nor-there image. Other rivals, small regional entities, had managed to lure a lot of prospective chaps by quick service and clever sales promotions, usually with some cheap miracles. But the merger was expected to be a Godsend; a new treaty called the Good And The Terrible had just been signed among the superpowers: it was supposed to herald a new age of liberalisation. I finished reading the document just as the flight came to an end. I stood up promptly, but as always, everyone else seemed to have woken up and stood before me. The queue was endless, immobile; somewhere, babies were crying. I waited impatiently, no one said a word, perhaps the same thoughts were in everyone's mind. At last the queue moved, slowly snaked through a dimly-lit tunnel which ended in a brightly-lit hall. At first sight, it seemed quite ordinary. Just the usual airport, nothing fancy. Like every other time, I blindly followed the arrows that led to immigration. One had to pass through baggage clearance first; you had to step onto the conveyor belt. I had not anticipated the awful pain, it was as if a part of my mind was being wrenched away from me. Immigration was equally unexpected. They were disposing of people quite fast, those St. Paul clones. One look at the faces, and you knew what had been stamped on the card. I guess the hang-ups exist even after the merger. But what's the difference these days, I wondered. "This is Miss Antherer at your service. Thank you for calling me. The difference is in your mind. People go to the place they think they should go to. So all the saintly types go to Hell because they committed some measly sin sometime. Most of the evil rich end up in Heaven, because they think they donated enough to the proper causes. Even if they go to Hell, it is a place which panders to their desires. Only the really saintly suffer unreal torment in vats of boiling oil. I hope that answers your question. In case you need clarifications, please wonder. Thank you for calling me." I didn't like this wondering answerer; it seemed to talk inside my mind. I had some not-so-nice things to think, but she might get to know, I thought. Isn't there a law against this mind-tapping? "This is Miss Antherer at your service. Thank you for calling me. Mind-tapping is allowed only for governmental agencies engaged in the public service of providing answers to any questions you may have. In special cases, it is used for the security of the state. Confidential, personal thoughts are not recorded. I hope that answers your question. In case you need clarifications, please wonder. Thank you for calling me." I was beginning to feel sorry I wondered. No more thinking. Anyway, I had reached the beginning of the queue. They ran the scan on me; I smiled nervously. "I'm sorry, sir; you don't exist." "What do you mean?" "You don't exist, sir, on our computerised reservation system. You must be a mistake, sir. Probably a bug; why don't you wait in this room while we check up the other locations?" Never before have I waited so long at an airport. An eternity later, after some tasteless sandwiches, countless cups of coffee, they let me out of quarantine : my flight was ready; I should have been on this one, but someone somewhere had goofed. Apologies and all that. "You are now going to Third Heaven, Sir", I heard her say before I smelt something strangely reminiscent of a hospital. ............................................................... I opened my eyes. Things were a bit hazy at first; slowly, I realized I was on another flight. Everyone else seemed to be fast asleep. I just had an unusual dream; I dreamt I had died. Where am I ? Oh! God, it had happened to me again: I could not remember where the hell I was going!