| Welcome To: the Chillling Story of: BAHAI GROVE |
| Introduction |
| Amin began his journey the way any good BIGS would do. He drank 42 cups of coffee and ate nine Hoho's. He figured he'd be pretty busy and he'd eventually burn all the calories, unfortunately, at the start of his journey to reach the shores of ocean of barf, Amin had changed. He looked like this: |
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| Avid readers of Bahai Angst will remember that Karen Bacquet suffered from this in past. So Karen, you can see that others suffered from this problem too. It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, at the Ruhoo'i Institute, we are getting what few micro-biologists together who haven't been murdered, and we are working on a new low-Ruhi diet that also will burn off the excess Hohos. |
| Recently we were asked in a private secret encrypted email if we had any good intelligence sources in Haifa. The answer is, of course, no. We do it all by remote viewing, something which is probably more accurate than what is going in Haifa that produces those god-awful messages from the UH$. |
| Nonetheless, we decided it might be a good idea to do some investigative reporting while that activity is still legal in this country. We contacted Al-Jazeera and they recommended one of their stringers – Amin Inizah. They said his Persian and English were pretty good, but they weren't so sure about his Arabic. We figured as long as he had enough barf bags when sifting through all the BS he would encounter in Haifa he'd be okay. |
| We also would like you to know that in Persian the word barf means snow. So the next time you see it snowing outside (I'm dreaming of a white Rizwan), you say "Hey, honey, it's barfing outside." |
| So we contacted Amin, offered him a green card (the UH$ revoked his American citizenship) and an American wife, and he accepted the job. (Yes, he did get permission from his parents to marry her, so don't even bother asking. It's all been approved by the Local House of Justice in Berryville, Va.) We told Amin that the UH$, the ITC, the Continental Counselors, the auxiliary Board members, the assistants to the auxiliary board members, the JDL and other suspects were having a secret meeting somewhere and we wanted him to sneak in and find out what was going on. Amin got right to work and did one great job as you will see below. It seems that the prospect of getting laid for the first time in his life if he were successful in this venture motivated him tremendously. |
| In the wink of big brother's eye, Amin discovered the location of this secret conclave of Baha'i effetes and now the time has come to remove the veil of the canopy of the Jabarut of the Malakut of the Amr of the khalq of the Cause and bring to you the secrets of: |
| BAHAI GROVE |
| Anyway, Amin set off via Azali Airways from his home in Sulaimaniya, and soon reached the far off land of Baha, Israel. Since Amin looks Middle Eastern, he was detained by security at the Airport in Tel Aviv, interrogated, strip-searched, raped, beaten, and had electrodes attached to his testicles. This is all pretty common for anyone who looks like an Arab who lands there, so he was unfazed. However, when they tied him to a chair and began to read “Baha'i Administration” to him, he called Be't Selem, a local human rights organization that does more good for people every five minutes than the UH$ has ever done in its 42 year infallible existence, and he was finally released and told to lay off the Hohos. |
| Racing through the streets of New York, excuse me, Tel Aviv, Amin soon made his way to Mt. Caramel where he had heard that the secret meeting was to take place. Disguised as an overweight new-age star struck Baha'i pilgrim, Amin rolly-polled down Zionism Avenue looking for the secret entrance to what he had learned was called “The Grove.” The Grove had been established by Shoghi Effendi in the 1940's as a hiding place for the Hands of the Cause in case the Arabs took over Palestine. In his will and testament, which has never been revealed, Shoghi had instructed the Hands to make sure all decisions were actually made in “The Grove” and that all the other buildings he wanted on the Mountain of God were there only to fool the rank and file Baha'is. Something experience had taught him was pretty easy to do.
After creeping past the Baha'i gardens and the Malbin statues, Amin saw an opening into an enchanted forest. He stood in front of it wondering if this were the place. It was. |
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| He slithered along the path and in the distance he could see a sign. As he approached, the sign became as clear as the dawning place of the dayspring of the manifestation of the point of the Bayan, and took this picture. |
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| But the trick was, how to get past the guards? |
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| Many had tried that day, and failed. |
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| But Amin was prepared. First, he had not only his Bahai ID card, but he had forged a secret ITC membership card, which if not examined too closely, might get him inside. |
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| Plus he had to have appropriate attire for this festive event. He had done his homework and he carried what he needed in his knapsack. He slipped behind a tree and changed. A master of disgust, er, disguise, the Inspector Clouseau of Bahaidum, Amin emerged from behind the canopy of the tree of whatever, ready for any action that might come his way. |
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| He then approached the guard, praised Shoghi Effendi to high heaven, and presented his card. The guard read it, saluted him, and said, “You're late Mr. Inizah, they've already started.” And Amin began to stroll down the path, unaware of what he was about to see. |
| End of Part I |
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