A NEW TALISMAN
Bahai Angst Proudly Presents
Just what the faith needs.
(and without Juan Cole or Susan Maneck)
We at Bahai Angst are acutely aware of the great epoch of angst which this glorious, this inconceivable, this most improbable faith has endured since Al Gore invented the Internet.  It has become increasingly clear as the UH$ has eludicated its infallible understanding of the Writings of the Central Figure of the Bahai Faith, Shoghi Effendi, as it was so designated to do in his last will and testament, that the UH$ may as well have Paul Wolfowitz, Elliott Abrams, Richard Pearl, Douglas Feith, David Wurmser, Glenford Beck, Sumner Redstone, Boris Berezovsky and Ann Coulter as members. (Hey, at least it would still be all male.)

The latest round of bull shit emanating from the centers of power of the incredible shrinking feith is popularly known as Momen's List and about which much can be found on Al's Internet including here at BA. Momen's List is a natural outgrowth of the feith's increasing Trotskiyazation as it continues to isolate and eliminate anyone who questions anything from the Bahai electoral process to the wisdom of the war in Iraq, said war being a personal favorite of Glenford Mitchell and Glen(ford) Beck.

What can the UH$ do now to try to bring in the lost sheep, camels, goats, pigs and cormorants?  We at Bahai Angst had to really put on our thinking caps for this one. The quandary is that the UH$ has so painted itself into a corner by its obsessive focus on bureacracy combined with a rigid interpretation of the rights of Bahais to do just about anything except add connedverts to the rolls that any sort of meaningful reorganization would be an admission that the UH$ is just as prone to fucking up as the rest of us. So we recommend that the UH$ do what any overbloated out-of-control and out-of-touch government agency would do in its place: make a cosmetic change and proclaim it as one of groundbreaking substance.

Since the feith is into selling cute little talisman rings and pendants and since the HOU$E has an obsession with the very word Talisman, we recommend that the divine nine come up with a new Talisman that relates to the current condition, the current malaise, the current most great issues. In fact, not only do we at BA recommend this, we have taken the time to put one together and we recommend that this Talisman be put onto Bahai T-shirts and given to pilgrims for free and sold at Feasts. (We suspect Feast attendance will go up dramatically as long as the T-Shirts are in stock.)
Talismans, like the writings of Durkheim, can sometimes be, well a little opaque. So read the Tablet of Patience as the Most Great Parrot (the MGP) explains all five points of the new Talisman one by one. Then the MGP will swoop down from the Weeping Willow of Wonderment and with his sharpened eyesight and cute little beak will rip away the veil of sacred cowness and reveal the new Talisman in its completed, pefected, Dermodian countenance ready to be put on T-shrts where nine or more are gathered in his (no not Dermod's) name. So here goes.
Point 1. Bahais love stars so a star would be good to include for continuity's sake alone. BA, after looking at millions, nay, billions of stars decided that the one perfect star would be the one below. We feel it expresses the inscrutably rigid mind-set of the UH$ and its neo-con clones. So the "top of the Talisman" will look like this:
Point 2. Face time. Both rank and file Bahais would have a tough time recognizing any one the diverse divine nine if they were to meet them in a restroom at Union Station. Therefore, we recommend that the countenances of all of UH$ dudes be on the left side of the Talisman. Gaze up the wonderous sight below and contemplate its location below and to the left of the Sacred Star (the SS).
Point 3. Give me a second to catch my breath after my meditating on the tribute to diversity above. It kind of chokes me up a little. I'm okay now. What is the greatest accomplishment of Cussedstodians of the Cuase? That Most Great Accomplishment (the MGA) is beyond any shadow of a doubt the very building in which they squat sending out letter after letter to Both Remaining Bahais (the BRBs).  Therefore, below and to the right on an even plane with the Big Nine behold there will appear the BBH. (you'll have to figure that one out for yourselves). Inspiring? You bet it is. I hope one day Playboy gets the BBB to pose in front of it.
So, what do we have so far. Let's review just like Ruhi would want us to do. Here you have three fifth's of the new Talisman.
Point 4. So two questions remain. First, what would anchor this subtle, this sublime, this sumptuous trio? Well we need to really look deep into the Core Values of the Faith (the CVFs). Oops, there is only one Core Value of the Faith. It's summed up well by that T-shirt that methinks used to read "One Planet, One Administration Please." At least I think that's what it said. Anyway, what could better lay the foundation for the still as yet embryonic New Talisman (the NT) better than the Most Great Graphic (the MGG) by Duane Troxel mystically entitled: Present Structure of Bahai Administration?  Put on your sunglasses before you see it below in its radiant glory. Got'em on? Here goes.
Kind of makes you want to name all your kids Andaleeb doesn't it?

Point 5. Now we come to age of fulfillment being ushered in by the completed NT. The second of the two remaining questions is what could be placed in the center of the NT that would even begin to tie all of the four points together to express that great mystical oneness of the feith? What image could even have the remotest chance of sweeping the BRB's off their feet as if they were looking into Abdul Baha's hand as he parted his fingers? We have found the Most Great Unifying Symbol of Unity (the MGUSU) in the deep reaches of heavans of cybperspace. And with one click the MGP will wisk you to the Lote-Tree Page of the New Talilsman (yes, the LTPNT). But I warn you, this is not for the timid. If you are going to follow the hoopoe bird in Mantiq Al-Tayr and cross into the Valley of the NT you must needs be firmly seated on the throne of tranquility on the shores of eternity. Oh never mind. Click here and get your LSA to start making the T-shirts.