April's Fools! ...this little prank, which started as nothing more than an innocent April Fools joke almost cost me my marriage by the time it was over! We lived in the outskirts of a town in a little three bedroom, two story house. My daughter must have been about 14 years old. It was the end of March, when my daughter pulled me aside one night, while my wife was doing laundry in the basement. "Dad! I want to pull a prank on Mom! April's Fool ...you know...!" "What do want to do?" I snarled at her with distrust. She replied, "You know, I heard in school that if you put cellophane under the seat of the toilet lose enough, where it doesn't touch your skin when you sit down, you can't even see it even if the light's on. So, when you take a dump, everything will be yucky!" A wide smile suddenly appeared on my face and I wanted to know more. Which bathroom would be used for this occasion, for instance (because we had two). On the second floor were the bedrooms and a bathroom, and on the first floor were the kitchen, family room, and a little guest bathroom. "The one on the first floor," answered my daughter because she noticed that after Mom drinks her coffee that's where she runs...always! 100%! I agreed to the plan! "When do you want to do it?" "Tonight" answered my daughter, "because Mom will nod off in front of the T.V. at ten anyway...that's when we can do it!" She suggested that she make a fruit mix made primarily from prunes. The joke works best when things are runny. "Bring it on!" I replied, going on about my business. As it was written, the woman fainted in front of the T.V., on time and our quiet activities began. My daughter carefully prepared the porcelain seat's cellophane wrapping, trying it too, behind closed doors with her underwear around her ankles because God Forbid the cellophane touch her skin when she sits on it, but at the same time making sure it also doesn't touch the water. After a half an hour of adjustments and underwear pulling, everything was ready to roll! After all this, we carefully lead Mom up the stairs to the bedroom, covering her and with satisfied smiles we also got ready to go to bed. I whispered to my daughter to make sure she wakes me up in the morning because what fool would want to miss this show? True to my nightly routine, our house was well inspected for intruders before sneaking up the stairs for a little rest. I almost slipped under the covers when it appeared to me it would be a good idea to take a leak. In the dark, tiptoing into the bathroom the moonlight stealing through the window caught my attention. After lifting up the toilet seat I relieved myself of the last few hours' beverages, all the while, thinking of nothing else, but my wife's distressed morning awakening. Flushing the toilet as quietly as possible was no easy task! Before the huge blow out, now certainly wouldn't be the best time to piss off the Mrs.. I successfully forgot to put down the toilet seat! Slipping under the covers like a maniac, thinking there will be a circus in the house the next morning, with which more or less I had nothing to do, caused me to lie sleepless for a while. If my memory serves me right I slept with a wide smile on my face... (Click here, for the rest of the Story !) ARE YOU GAY? An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane". Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights. As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out. ):-) PRACTICING FOR THEIR HONEYMOON A young couple, engaged to be married, had scheduled a premarital counselling session with a minister. But they failed to show up, so the next morning the minister called the bride-to-be's home. "She's in the hospital," the young woman's mother told the minister. "She probably wants to tell you herself why she didn't show, though." So the minister went to the hospital, and there he found the young woman in traction with a broken leg and collarbone. But the accident had left her feeling more embarrassed than pained. She said her parents were going out of town for the weekend, and asked her to house sit. She and her fiance decided that this would be a perfect chance to "practice for their honeymoon." So as soon as her parents left, they set about "practising" in her parents bedroom. Not long afterward the phone rang. It was her mother, in a panic. She had left the iron on in the basement. Would they please turn it off? The fiance playfully picked her up and carried her to the top of the basement stairs. Both of them were still naked. When she switched on the lights, shouts of "Surprise! Surprise!" came from the basement. Her parents were standing at the bottom of the stairs, along with relatives, in-laws and friends. It was a surprise wedding shower! The shock was too great for the fiance. He dropped her and fled. She rolled down the stairs and lay there naked, while her family gaped. Her grandmother reached for her heart medicine. Everyone was too shocked to cover her. So, the minister concluded, the couple was never legally joined. "The girl went crazy," he said, "and the guy left town." How Big is Big How big is the average erect penis? 6.0 inches (15 cm.) Almost 90percent of men fall within the range of 5 to 7 inches in legnth. What was the biggest erect penis ever measured? 13 inches (33 cm.) Robert Latou Dickinson, one of this century's first science oriented sex researchers, reported that he had personally measured an erect penis thet was a bit over 13 inches. [this is quit unusual. Followed by rumours of other large ones - Milton Berle, Forrest Tucker, Dillinger - with this last one also reprted as NOT being in the Smithsonian collection.] Blue whales ... feature 10-foot long penises. Elephants, while not in the ocean league, often measure in at 6-feet. Any human might feel underendowed by comparison. Are the penises of black men larger than the penises of white men? No and yes. The largest number of white males (23.9 percent) as well as the largest number of black males (25.4 percent) reported their penis length as 6 inches. However, in the sample for blacks, no one listed a penis size of less than 5 inches compared to 3.2 percent of whites for these smaller sizes and 13.6 percent of blacks reported penis lengths in excess of 7 inches compared to only 7.5 percent of whites. ...same length penises (6 inches) but proportionately fewer blacks seem to have short penises and proportionately more blacks seems to have long penises. This is not the final word, however, because when we compare the circumferences of penises belonging to whate and black males, a contradictory picture emerges. The largest number of white males (24.1 percent) report an errect penis circumference of 5 inches, whereas the largest number of black males (21.8 percent) report an erect penis of only 4 3/4 inches with only 18.2 percent reporting a 5 inch circumference. Is there a connection between penis size and the size of other body parts? Probably not. Do testicles lie at the same level? No. How big are the average woman's breasts? The average bust line is 35.9 inches (91 cm.) ... [is for American women].... More pointedly, the typical U.S. woman wears a B cup and buys a 36B bra. The proportion of women's cup sizes follows: A-15 percent, B-44 percent, C-28 percent, D-10 percent, others (such as AA or DD)-3 percent. Are women's breasts identical? No. How much seman is in a man's ejaculate? One teaspoonful. ...enormous variations [between individuals and between times]... How fast does ejaculate travel? 28 miles per hour (45 km/hr) "To bed! Aye, Sweetheart; and I'll come to thee," vowed Malvolio in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night and his promis did not exaggerate. Ejaculate may not be as fast as a speeding bullet, but the reletively high speed of the initial spurts demonstrates the force behind them. Once the ejaculate enters the female vagina, however, the speed is abruptly and sharply reduced to a comparative crawl of 1-3 cm per hour. How many calories are in one ejaculation? Five This is good news for devotees of oral sex and great news for dieters. It is just about impossible to gaim weight swallowing a man's ejaculate even though it is rich in protien. Many like the taste; others find it unpleasant. But, like it or not, "I'm on a diet" is no excuse for omitting ejaculate from one's menue. |
| Story by "Gatekeeper" Translated from Hungarian by "Vuk" |
| Jocker Jockey |
|
 |