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A Father's Love
By Billy Burrew
Kevin Richardson knelt before the small, newly covered plot
of earth at the cemetery, tears streaming down his face as
he looked away from letters on the tombstone and down to where
his hand was taking out the double edged razor from his pocket.
Kevin began to reflect over the events that had brought him
to this point, and contemplate the best way to end his existence.
It had all started just a year after he married his longtime
girlfriend. They were so much in love and he was so happy
when she announced that she was with child. He had so looked
forward to becoming a father since he had lost his own to
cancer in 1991. Kevin pampered his wife and baby for the nine
months, getting everything prepared for his new son to make
his debut.
When his wife went into labor, Kevin was there, camera in
hand, as he took her to the hospital, and helped her get ready.
Kevin stood back and watched as the doctors came in and began
to hook up her IV's and prep her for the operating room. Minutes
later, he walked with her into the delivery room, and began
a long period of nervous waiting.
Kevin began to get concerned as the doctors crowded around
his wife, giving voice to medical speak in worried tones.
Kevin tapped a doctor on the arm of one of the doctors and
asked what was wrong. The doctor shook his head and called
a nurse in to lead him out the room. A few moments later,
the doctor emerged, shaking his head.
"Mr. Richardson, your wife is having a very difficult
delivery. The baby isn't turning correctly and she's losing
a great deal of blood."
"Are they going to be all right?", Kevin asked
in a hushed, worried tone.
The door to the Operating Room flew open and a nurse came
out and told the doctor that he was needed ASAP. The doctor
shook his head again and looked at Kevin.
"I'll keep you up to date. I don't know just yet."
Three hours later, Kevin heard a squeal and rushed in to
the room as the doctor held the baby up and began to clean
the fluid out of its nose and throat.
"It's a boy, Mrs. Richardson!", the doctor smiled,
then glanced down at her.
Kevin's wife smiled at the baby and then looked over at Kevin,
then breathed her last breath. The delivery had been too much
for her. As her head fell back onto the pillow and her heart
rate stopped, the doctor handed the baby off to the nurse
and began to try to resuscitate the mother.
Kevin watched in horror as the doctor tried their best to
revive his wife, giving up after several minutes and closing
her eyes as he marked the time of her death. Kevin walked
up to his wife and bent down, his tears falling on her closed
eyelids, as he kissed his beloved wife goodbye one last time.
Kevin sat in the waiting room of the hospital in shock, unable
to move. He didn't budge when Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie came
in and began to hug and console him. A few minutes later,
a nurse came over and placed his son in his arms. Kevin finally
moved, looking down at his son, his face a mixture of incredible
love and immeasurable pain. Kevin brought his son close to
his chest and kissed his forehead.
"Kevin", Brian said sadly, "Are you OK?"
"I'm holding my son in my arms, I live only for him
now.", Kevin said sadly.
Kevin looked back up to the name on the gravestone, Jerald
Timothy Richardson, 2001-2007, beloved son of Kevin Scott
Richardson. As Kevin read the words, he felt a feeling not
unlike being punched repeatedly in the gut. He looked back
down to his right hand, which shakily held the razor blade
and then moved it over his left wrist, maneuvering it just
above the blue-hued veins in his wrist…it was almost
time to go.
Jerald was the shining point in Kevin's life. His happiness
and joy infused Kevin with an even greater light than he had
before losing his wife. Kevin was a wonderful father, loving,
caring, and strict; the perfect role model for his little
boy. For his part, Jerald seemed to know when Kevin would
begin to sadly reflect back to his mother's death and would
make an extra effort to be with his daddy, doing everything
a little kid could do to cheer him up and make him forget
his grief.
It was just after Jerald had turned six that the problems
began to arise. Kevin had to come into Jerald's school and
pick him up almost daily. Jerald had begun to have painful
headaches and fainting spells. At first, when it was the headaches,
Kevin brushed it off to the after effects of playground shenanigans.
When Jerald fell down and lost consciousness at school two
weeks later, a worried Kevin immediately took Jerald to the
doctor. Kevin relayed what had happened to the doctor as he
checked Jerald, giving him a physical and taking some blood.
The next day, Kevin's worries increased tenfold when the doctor
called and asked him to bring Jerald into the hospital for
some CAT scans.
Kevin's anxiety level reached an all time high that afternoon
at the hospital when the doctor pulled him aside and sat down
with him.
"Kevin…we've gotten some preliminary results from
the scan and we've found some cancerous tumors in Jerald's
brain and lymph nodes. It seems his blackouts are being caused
by the pressure that these tumors are putting on certain vital
areas of his brain. We would like to start him on chemotherapy
as soon as possible."
Kevin sat back, his eyes misted over with tears as he recalled
his own memories of his own father's battle with and inevitable
death from the cancer that had taken him back in the early
90's.
"Doc...do whatever you need to do!"
The doctor frowned and placed his arm on Kevin's shoulder,
"Son…I have to tell you, his chances are not very
good. Even with aggressive chemotherapy, the cancer is so
advanced and spreading so quickly that I can't even give him
even a 10% chance of survival. I'm so sorry, Kevin. I wish
there was more we could do."
Kevin put his hands over his face, weeping softly into them
as the doctor stood up and opened the door, letting in Kevin's
mother as well as Brian and the rest of the guys who had come
with Kevin and Jerald to the hospital. The doctor explained
again to them about Jerald's condition, reiterating his slim
odds, then left Kevin with his family.
"What did I do?", Kevin said between sobs, "Why
is God doing this to me? First my Dad, then my wife…and
now my son."
Brian put his arms around his cousin Kevin, hugging him as
both sat and cried at the impossibility of the situation.
A few weeks later, the doctors reported that, despite all
their efforts, the chemotherapy had not been successful. The
mass in Jerald's brain was still growing and had begun to
effect the child's motor ability. Kevin listened from outside
the room as his mother sat on the bed with her grandchild,
talking and keeping him amused.
Jerald stopped laughing a minute later and asked in a small
voice, "MaMaw…I'm not getting any better, am I?…I'm
gonna be leaving Daddy for good soon, aren't I?"
Kevin's mother Anne looked down at her grandchild and nodded
solemnly, "The doctors say that they have tried everything,
but they can't seem to get you better. But don't worry Jerald,
you'll be meeting your PaPaw soon. And your PaPaw will take
good care of you until you see your Daddy again."
Jerald smiled, "I can't wait to meet my PaPaw, but I
am really gonna miss my Daddy. I hope he'll be OK without
me. I think my being sick is makin' Daddy sad…I saw him
cryin' the other day when he thought I was sleepin', I don't
like to see my Daddy cry."
Kevin slumped to the floor outside his son's room. His sobs
wracked his body as he tried to control the anguish that was
ripping his heart to shreds. Kevin stood up and went down
to the hospital chapel and knelt in the pew and began to pray.
"Oh God, He who makes all things possible, please hear
my prayer. I need a miracle…please...please God don't
take my son from me! He's all I have."
Kevin bowed his head and prayed for a few minutes more then
got up and made his way back to his son's room.
Jerald's eyes lit up and he smiled as he saw his Daddy come
into the room and sit beside him on the bed.
"Daddy! MaMaw and I was talkin'…she said that I
was gonna meet PaPaw and he was gonna take care of me until
I see you again. Don't be sad, Daddy, it won't be too long."
Kevin forced a smile through his tears and nodded.
"You'll be in good hands Jerald, your PaPaw was the
greatest."
Jerald shook his head and put out his bottom lip.
"No Daddy…you're the greatest. I love you Daddy!"
Kevin's eyes filled with tears again as he bent over and
kissed his son on the forehead, "I love you too, Jer."
Kevin watched as his son fell asleep that evening. As he
drove home from the hospital, Kevin's cell phone rang. Kevin
answered it and was informed by the doctor that his son had
just passed on, going quietly in his sleep. Kevin terminated
the call and headed back to the hospital. When he arrived,
Kevin said a final goodbye to his son before the rest of his
family got there moments later.
Brian took Kevin home that night and began a week of standing
a "suicide watch" for his bereaved cousin.
Kevin surprised everyone when he spoke at the funeral, giving
his son an emotional, heartfelt eulogy. Kevin put his hands
over his eyes as they lowered his only son into the ground,
for that was something he could not bear to watch.
The next week Kevin was kept busy by his cousin and his friends
as they stayed with him, monitoring his actions and keeping
a close tab on his actions, emotions and moods.
Kevin had gotten up before Brian that morning and eased the
car out of the garage and the driveway silently so as not
to wake him. Kevin drove to the cemetery with no doubts in
his mind or his heart to keep him from carrying through with
his intentions.
As Kevin brought his hand down to make the first slit in
his wrist, he heard the sound of Jerald's laughter, and the
low voice of his father. Kevin looked up and started backwards,
falling to the ground. He blinked his eyes twice and, as he
looked up, he saw his father standing beside his son, both
standing over him, looking down and shaking their heads sadly.
A second later Kevin blinked and they were gone. Kevin looked
around the ground and realized that the razor blade was gone
as well.
Kevin turned back to the gravestone and heard his father's
voice, "It's not your time yet, Kevin. I'll take care
of Jerald until it is."
Kevin nodded and then smiled as he heard his son's voice,
"I love you Daddy!"
"I love you too Jerald. I always will." Kevin replied
as he brushed away the tears from his eyes.
Kevin turned and walked out of the cemetery, his grief, his
fears and his suicidal thoughts sponged from his mind and
from his soul. As he drove away from the cemetery, he smiled
as the radio began to play a song, it seemed, just for him.
I got sent home from school one day
with a shiner on my eye.
Fightin' was against the rules and it didn't matter why.
When dad got home I told that story just like I'd rehearsed.
And then stood there on those tremblin' knees and waited for
the worst.
And he said, "Let me tell you
a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us."
He said, "Daddies don't just love their children every
now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."
When I became a father in the spring
of '81
There was no doubt that stubborn boy was just like my father's
son.
And when I thought my patience had been tested to the end,
I took my daddy's secret and I passed it on to him.
And he said, "Let me tell you
a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us."
he said, "Daddies don't just love their children every
now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."
Last night I dreamed I died and
stood outside those pearly gates.
When suddenly I realized there must be some mistake.
If they know half the things I've done, they'll never let
me in.
And then somewhere from the other side I heard these words
again.
And he said, "Let me tell you
a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us."
he said, "Daddies don't just love their children every
now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."*
The End
*A Love Without End, Amen
-Aaron Barker
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