Week 7-8
Part 1 (Happy part)
Hey there!
I've been receiving even more e-mails! Thank you so much for your support! Keep it coming!
Tried something new yesterday: Tea Tree Scrub. My derm had told me not to use any products at all while on Accutane, but I kept reading about scrubs and stuff in other journals, so I decided to try it myself. And... it's good! My face is much softer now and less flakey. I can't really see any difference in the pinkish scars, but I guess that'll just take some time. Anyway I'm pretty happy today. My back is definitely better. Still no changes in the scars (looking... brown) but someone mailed me about a bleach treatment that might work on the pigmentation. I'll ask my derm for some info on that (though she never really seems to answer any of my questions on scarring).
Lots of people seem to worry about the hair loss. Well... my case isn't so bad. Yeah my hair is definitely thin, but then again it was extremely thin before I started using Accutane. I can't say the shedding got a lot worse. It breaks more easily though. Try to be nice to your hair: don't dye it and don't use a hair-dryer. That's all I can say for now.
I've seen some before and after pictures on a few sites. I totally love them. I've been thinking about posting mine too, but I'm afraid I'm still too ashamed to post them. I'm even too ashamed to actually take pictures of my back and chest (though you wouldn't recognize me on them). I guess I'm just scared that someone I know will
find out about this site, see the scars, and find me disgusting (but I know that's a lame excuse). I have a lot of respect for the people who do post
their pictures. These things give me hope...
So basically: things are more than okay. My back and chest are definitely getting better and the slight rash that I had on my arm is gone now. My forehead isn't too good but hey, my hair covers that. Lots of pink scars (and maybe tiny ice pick-scars on my temples) and a few brown ones on my cheek. The chin is worse: quite a few small spots and on the side some red-pinkish scars that just won't disappear. But hey, keep concentrating on the good news: MY BACK IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!
So yeah I'm pretty happy...
Luv ya!
Part 2 (Depressed part, don't read this if you're already feeling bad)
Forget all the stuff I posted up there.
Today is just horrible. I feel so fucking bad about myself. It all started this morning when I got up and it's not getting any better. I feel sad, lonely, disappointed and very, very ugly. I just saw my face in the car mirror (that's always the worst) and I hated everything I saw. Just wanna cry my eyes out. Don't know what's wrong, but I wish I were never even born. Seems like everything is going wrong and it's never going to get any better. Everybody hates me or at least thinks I'm ugly and useless. So maybe my parents don't hate me, but they don't really have any reason at all to be proud of me. Wish I could just waste away.
No, I don't want to commit suicide. I just want to get in bed and never wake up again. 'Cause things will never be okay. Never. It's no use hoping...
Nobody wants anything I've got and no one ever will. And no matter how hard I try, it's not going to make any difference.
Next week is my 19th birthday. Oh joy. Things are going wrong at school (I'm in my first year studying Dutch-English-Spanish) and I just fuck it up. My grades are terrible and everybody thinks I'm either stupid or lazy. And hey, I probably am both. I still don't have a boyfriend (well wow whatta surprise, I look like shit, no wait, I am shit) and hardly any friends who really give a damn about me. Even my music sucks now. Don't care 'bout my guitars, don't wanna play. And I think I'll skip piano today. You know maybe I'd just better quit. Give it all up. It's no use anyway. I'm never gonna be anything.
And I still can't get over my guy. Why, why do I still like him so much? I mean come on, it's so obvious he doesn't like me, and who does anyway. He's outta my league. He's way too good for me. Too good looking. Too cool. Too cute. Yeah just about everything. Boy, if you ever doubt yourself, I'm gonna kick your ass! You're the most charming guy I've ever met so you'd better get rid of that shyness and insecurity. If only I were pretty, then I could come up to you and tell you how great I think you are.
Hey... don't let me get you down okay. You just hang on in there!
And don't you go thinking that the Roaccutane is to blame for all of my "dark thoughts". I do have a history of slight depression(I used to take tranquilizers for it), so I don't really know whether it's getting worse. But I don't think so. I'll just try to hang on.
Luv
Brahma
