When I arrived at the hospital I was told that visiting hours were over and that I should come back tomrrow. That wasn't happening, my best friend needed me and I intended to be there for him, nothing was going to stand in my way. Not knowing what else to do, I asked for Nicks doctor. When he arrived he began to talk to me because he had remembered me very well. I tried to explain to him how Nick was feeling and that I think that he needed someone that he cared about there with him.
The doctor was reluctant at first. He had orders that he had to follow and I understood that but his job was also to keep people alive and I knew if Nick didn't have someone, he might just do something drastic. As his best friend, I wasn't going to let him do that and I made that clear to his doctor. After hearing my valid argument, he agreed to let me go up to Nicks room.
When we arrived Nick was wide awake. He looked over at me like he was surprised that I was there. Hell, I was too but I wasn't about to sit at home and do nothing. The doctor gave me a few ground rules about staying there. Anything to be able to look after Nick. He needed me there and I needed to be there.
"Why did you come here Brian?" Nick asked softly.
"Because of what you told me the other night. I don't want you to do anything to yourself that might harm you. None of us want to lose you. When I got here, I told myself that I would do anything that it took for them to let me stay here with you," I answered.
"Did you ever think that I would just be better of dead?" Nick asked seriously with tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Why do you think that? Nothing could be that bad that would make you want to take your life."
"That's what you think Brian! You don't know how I feel, you don't know what I've been through!"
"You're right. I don't know how you feel or what you went through, but if you would just talk to me about it maybe I can help. That's what I want to do because I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Now, do you feel like talking about it?" I asked softly. He just looked at me with his bloodshot eyes and remained quiet.
"Will you do me one favor?"
"Sure Nick."
"If my condition gets bad, will you tell my doctor to pull the plug because I don't want to live?"
"I'm not going to do that Nick. There are way too many people who would be hurt if you died, including myself," I told him.
"Please, if things get bad do that for me. I'm in a lot of pain bro," he said to me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
"I can't do that," I told him, "I wouldn't be able to let go."
"Brian please you have to do that for me. I'd rather die that suffer. You can understand that right? I'm in a lot of pain and I can't handle it," he said starting to cry, "please, if I get worse will you have them pull the plug?"
"Nick...." I started.
"Do you promise me that you'll have them pull the plug?" Nick yelled. I looked at him. We were both crying. I was still in shock that we were even having this conversation. Nick really didn't want to die. I knew in my heart that he didn't. Or maybe it was just that I wouldn't be able to let him go.
"Don't make me do this," I whispered.
"Please," Nick said again with his tears flowing quickly down his cheeks. He couldn't be serious about this I thought. There was no way, he was probably just saying this because he was really tired and didn't know what he was talking about. Besides, he wouldn't get worse. The hospitals job was to prevent that right? I knew that he would only get better so I did what Nick asked.
"I promise," I said through my tears. It took everything that I had in me to say that. Nick had put his life in my hands and he wanted me to take it. At that point I prayed to god that he would get better and I wouldn't have to do the unthinkable.
"Thank you," Nick said to me.
"How are you going to tell Caitlin about this?" I asked.
"I don't know," he answered tearfully, "but I think that she will understand why I want this. I don't want to live my life in pain and she wouldn't force me to do that."
"You'd be giving up so much," I informed him.
"I know and I've thought about that. Caitlin means everything to me, I love her, but I'm in so much pain. It hurts to do anything. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like that. I don't think it would be worth it. I'd always have to sit back on the side line because my body wouldn't be able to handle it. My doctor already said that I would never go back to the way that I was before. You know what that means Bri? It means I won't get to play with my kid without being overwhelmed with physical pain. That hurts me, badly. I wouldn't be able to tour anymore. Play sports anymore, I can't do anything Brian! I'm so fucking useless!!" he yelled.
"What about watching ths kid grow up and being there for everything? What about Caitlin? She needs you emotionally. I, everyone, needs you around. You're my best friend, so please don't leave me, everyone," I pleaded.
"I can't promise you anything," Nick answered softly. He was getting weak. I wonder if he knew that this was going to happen. Maybe he was just tired I tried to tell myself. Yeah, that was it, he wasn't dying on me. No, he would never do that.
"Nick, you with me?" I asked fearfully.
"I love you man. Tell Caitlin that I love her with all my heart. She was so perfect for me. I just wish that we could be together. Tell the guys, thank you for being there for me everytime that I needed them. You guys raised me well," Nick smiled.
"Nick you better not be dying on me man. Come on, stay with me," I pleaded.
"I love you Brian and I'm gonna miss you," he said. I looked up when his heart rate went flat.
"No," I said with tears pouring from my eyes, "No, please no," I said, "Nick!" when there was no responce I let my head drop into my hands. Nicks doctor came in moments later. He put a sheet over Nick's lifeless body and looked at me.
"Are you alright son?" he asked.
"No," I forced.
"He wanted this, you know that right?" I looked up at the doctor, "he told me to pull the plug on him if it got to this. I'm really sorry."
"Why?" I said, "why did he have to die? He made it through so much. Caitlin, his fiance is going to have a baby. We were doing great as a group. We achieved so many things. Just why?"
"He was dying when he arrived," the doctor confessed, "he wanted to be the one that told you. There was internal damage that we couldn't repair. He told me to let this happen. I respected his right. I did tell him that we would be able to revive him and help him heal but he didn't want that. He said that he was in a lot of pain. Think about it this way, he's in a better place now."
"He wasn't supposed to die. He's way too young to die. He has a full life ahead of him," I said to the doctor, "can't you do anything?? Don't just leave him like that, bring him back."
"I can't do that son. I'm sorry." The doctor left me with those words. I remained in his room crying. How was I supposed to tell everyone this?
Chapter 22
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