roswelltransarcc

Notes: Roswell scripts are property of the WB, Jason Katims Productions and the rest of The Powers That Be. I don't own them so absolutely NO infringement or copyright violation is intended.

I've made an effort to get the transcripts as accurate as I can but they may not be 100% accurate. I'm not posting all the scenes in the episode, just certain ones that I like. They are scenes primarily with Michael and/or Maria in them. My MS3TK-style commentary is in < >. Please do not archive these transcripts/commentaries anywhere else.

Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie
Archive Date: 12/29/2000

Note: M = Maria, Mi = Michael, Mx = Max, B = Brody, I = Isabel, K = Kyle, T = Tess, V = Valenti, A = Amy, L = Liz,

At the Christmas tree lot:

Mi: Cmon, Max, would you just pick a tree. It’s freezing out here. <All those powers and they couldn’t come up with a heater.>

Mx: It’s not that simple. The tree’s got to fall into certain parameters. <Yeah, it has to be green.>

Mi: Parameters? <Like I said, green.>

Mx: Height, circumference, color, density of foliage. <Are we having a geometry lesson now? Wait, let me get out my notebook.>

Mx: Look at this diagram.

Max shows Michael a diagram of a tree with instructions. 

Mx: You know how my sister gets at this time of year. <Ummmm, obsessive? Like me or my mother, perhaps?>

Mi: The Christmas Nazi. <I’m picturing Hitler in a Santa suit. Nope, doesn’t work for me.> Driving everyone insane while having the perfect Christmas. <Wait, is he talking about my mother?> The worse thing you can do is play into it, Max. You gotta fight her, fight the Christmas Nazi. <Obviously, you don’t know my mother.>

Max pulls out a ruler to measure the width of a small tree.

Mi: Cmon, I gotta to get to the hardware store before it closes. I gotta get Maria her Christmas present. <Awwww, that’s so sweet. He’s getting her a present. But wait … a hardware store? Something tells me Michael isn’t a mall person.>

Mx: Why, you going to get her a ratchet set? < Oh, please Lord, no.>

Mi: Never mind, I’m under a lot of pressure. <He must be, otherwise, he wouldn’t have come up with the hardware store idea.> She’s been busting my ass for weeks about this present. <insert Beavis and Butthead “Huhuhuhuh” here … Michael said “ass”.> She says it’s gotta be significant. <Well, of course, it does. You love the girl, for goodness sake.>

Mx: Then you might want to steer clear of the hardware store. <Again, . You also might want to steer clear of Pep Boys, a lunch catering truck and an oncoming car.>

An accident happens while Max, Michael and onlookers watch. A father pushes his daughter out of the way and gets hit by a car. He dies.

Mi: Maxwell, let’s go!

They leave.

At the Evans house:

Isabel drags the tree Max bought. It’s a small Christmas tree.

Is: This is, by far, the most pathetic Christmas tree I have ever seen. <She obviously hasn’t seen the non-tree I have in my house.> Did you even refer to my diagram? <Uh, no, geometry may not have been his strong suit.>

Mx: I had to run out this morning, there were only a few left. <Beggars can’t be choosers.>

Is: You know, I give you one tiny assignment and you can’t even handle that. <Hey, it was the geometry thing, okay? It makes everyone’s brain fuzzy.>

At the Crashdown:

Mi: I need to talk to you.

M: Yes, spaceboy. <Yay, the “spaceboy” comment is back. Now I wonder when Quasimodo will make an appearance.>

Mi: We got three days until Christmas. And I’m working everyday until then. <Give the boy a medal for working so hard.>

M: And?

Mi: I was wondering if it was necessary to exchange presents on Christmas Day. <Okay, just for that comment, I’m taking the medal back. >

M: Need a little wiggle room? <Honey, that’s not all he needs. J>

Mi: If it would be alright. I mean what’s a couple of days? <48 hours? 2,880 minutes? 17,280 seconds?> Yeah, I figure we could make a date on the 27th, 28th. <Yeah, I heard ratchet sets go on sale on those days. Wait, did he just say ‘date’, as in Maria and Michael on a date? Pencil me in, I’ll be there. Uh, I mean, I’ll be in front of the TV watching that date.>

M: Sure, no problem. How about the 2nd of January? <No, don’t push it off farther. I can’t wait to see M&M on a date. I want Candy and I want it NOW! > I eman what is Christmas but some arbitrary date. <Some may argue that Christmas actually coincides with winter solstice. But let’s leave that argument for now.> What is it again? Oh, yes, the birth of our Lord and savior. <Ah, I knew it was something like that.>

M: So that’s cool. <Ah, Michael, you’re just setting yourself up here.>

M: You give me that damn present on Dec. 25th or I’ll never speak to you again. <Told ya.>

At the UFO Center:

M: Hello!

B: Maria! Hi! <Hi, Brody. It’s me, Minnie.>

M: Ok, flash update on my non-boyfriend Michael Guerin. <What do you mean, non-boyfriend? He is, too, your boyfriend. Because I say so! ::stomps foot:: Heh.> First of all, he had no intention of buying me a Christmas present, right? <He did too!> The he tried …

B: Maria … (interrupts her with a sad look)

M: I’m sorry.

B: This just really isn’t a good time. <Awww, Brody, come tell Minnie what’s wrong.>

M: Oh, okay.

B: Listen, I’m going to be away for a couple of days. <Oh, no, not the abduction thing again! Note to other aliens from unnamed planets: Find a hobby. Knitting is good, I hear. So is Christmas shopping and cleaning the house. Stop with the abduction thing already.> You don’t need to bring my lunch. <Can she bring MY lunch?>

M: Fine. <Why, thanks, Maria.>

M: Is everything alright? <That depends. If you mean getting a Christmas present at a hardware store, then no, it’s not alright.>

B: Yeah, fine. <You don’t sound too convincing there, Brody. Come, sit on my lap and tell me all about it.>

M: Yeah, okay. (goes to the door) Merry Christmas.

B: Yeah. Merry Christmas. (says it sadly) <Okay, who upset Brody? Lemme at ‘em!!!>

At the Valenti household:

The Valenti men are watching a football game on TV.

K: His mind and body are in deep conflict. When one’s heart and one’s mind are not in balance, one’s body is the first to fail. <Yep, that’s what I always say. What? I can be deep.>

V: I’m very concerned that you’re starting to make sense to me. <Be concerned. Be very concerned.>

K: All I’m saying is if the guy can’t visualize his journey to the goal, he has no chance of taking the rock downtown. <Uh-huh. What he said.>

At the store:

I: This is a toothbrush. <Why, yes, so it is.>

Mi: It’s an electric toothbrush. <Uh-huh, BIG difference there. It’s electric. Much like M&M are. > Practical. <So what are you saying? That Maria has a dental problem?>

I: It is practical. Are you going to give it to Maria as a stocking stuffer? <And if Michael says ‘no’ to this question, he’s going to find something being stuffed. And it isn’t a gift.>

Mi: No, this is going to be her present. <::hears Michael being stuffed somewhere:: > She set a price limit. <Don’t you mean speed limit? Sorry, had a 285S flashback.> If I exceed that budget, then there’s going to be hell to pay. <Uh, Mr. Adorably Clueless Michael, there will be hell to pay if you get her a toothbrush for Christmas.>

I: Actually, I think Maria would find it in her heart to forgive you for exceeding the price limit though there would be hell to pay if you gave the girl you love an electric toothbrush for Christmas. <Did she just read my mind? No, really, did she? ::shakes head:: Izzy, are you dreamwalking me?> You’re better off getting her no gift at all. <Bad idea. Very bad idea.>

Mi: No, I tried the ‘no-present’ idea last year. It didn’t work. <Well, duh, of course it didn’t work. I coulda told you that. Why didn’t it work, you ask? Could it because Christmas is a time when you traditionally get the people you love a little something to show them how much they mean to you?>

I: Last year was your first year together and you didn’t get her a present? <Yep, he was found a ratchet set and decided to keep it for himself. Hence, the 'no-present' thing. But hey, he didn’t get the nickname clueless Michael for nothing. But despite that, I love the guy. He’s just so … clueless. And adorable. And hot. And his hands are droolworthy. Sorry, went off on a Michael tangent.>

Mi: Hey, I don’t even believe in this. <Now there’s a shocker. Not.> So why should I get sucked into it? <Because deep inside Michael, you DO believe. You’re just too stubborn to admit it. That, and you know your limitations when it comes to gift ideas.> The whole thing is a marketing scam invented to make people buy things they don’t even need. <Nah, really? Tell us how you really feel, Michael.>

I: Well, you could write that on the card when you give her a dental product for Christmas. <LMAO! Better yet, he could write on the card, “Here. No, you don’t have a dental problem. I’m just clueless. Love you. Always.” Awwwww!>

Mi: So what should I get her? <Ummm, a new car? Heh. How about M&Ms? Lots of them. No, wait, that’s my present. Hey, a simple declaration of your undying love for her would work.>

I: Okay, go home. Think about all that you and Maria have shared. <Can I give him tapes of my season 1 eps so he remembers every little Candy moment? Please, can I?> All that she means to you. <She means everything. He loves her.> A Christmas gift should be personal, thoughtful and something someone would never get herself. <And if you give her some lame electric toothbrush or even a foot massager, I’ll never forgive you.> Now I’ve gotta go because I’ve got a rehearsal for the holiday pageant, dinner at the nursing home and wrap a ton of presents and now I’ve got to get a new tree. <You forgot the ‘save the baby seals’ pancake breakfast, the Greenpeace raffle, the ever burgeoning I-know-an-alien-club membership pledge drive and my present. Which is at Nordstrom. Go. Get it. Now. >

Mi: Hail, the Christmas Nazi. <::pictures Nazi elves and cracks up::>

I: What was that? <Ooooh, you are in trou-ble!>

Mi: Nothing! <Um-hmmmm, sure.>

I: Bye now. <Remember to get my present, Izzy! Nordstrom. Third floor. Gift certificate.>

At a street corner:

On the street, Maria and 4 other carolers are singing in front of the ghost’s house. The ghost is the man who died in the car accident. They also go to another house.

Caroler: Okay, last house of the night. Five year old girl with cancer. <>

The little girl emerges from the house as the carolers sing.

Syd: Daddy, come here!

Brody walks out of house. Maria sees him. Her eyes widen in surprise, then look a little sad and concerned.

The next day at Brody’s house:

B: Maria. <Yep, that’s her name alright.>

M: Hey.

B: What are you doing here? <Hmmm, is this is a philosophical question? If it is, then I don’t know. What are we really doing here? I mean, what is our purpose in life? Why do we exist? What is existence? Who invented liquid soap and why? Okay, I totally stole that line from ‘The Sure Thing’. Oh, you say, it’s not a philosophy thing? Oops. Never mind. Heh. >

M: I don’t know. I’m just here. <Good answer, Maria. Even though it wasn’t a philosophy thing, you managed to capture the essence of the question with those last three words.>

B: You’re wondering about Sydney. <Yeah. Like when am I ever going to get the chance to go there. Oh, you meant your daughter, Sydney, not Sydney, Australia. Geez. I need some sleep.>

M: Yeah.

B: She’s my daughter. <And what an adorable little girl she is.>

M: She’s very beautiful. <Yep, that too.>

B: She’s staying with me for a few days. You know, for Christmas. <Well, I didn’t think it was for Ground Hog Day.>

M: Oh. She has, uh …

N: Cancer. Yeah. It’s in her bone marrow. Inoperable. <But, but, but … she’s so young. And precious. And adorable. Oh, God, that statement just tore me up inside. Cancer. ::sniffles::>

M: I’m sorry. <Yeah, me too.>

B: I know you and I talk a lot and that I’ve never mentioned her. <Ummm, by my count they’ve only had 2 convos. Is that a lot? > I just don’t … it’s hard. You know, to talk it about. 

M: If there’s anything I can do, anything at all. <Someone pass me a hankie. Please. I think I’m blubbering.>

B: Thank you. You did enough last night. You have a beautiful voice. <Now THAT’s how you talk about Maria and her singing. You hear that, Michael?>

S: Daddy, I can’t get my crown to fit right. Who are you? <She has her father’s knack for asking philosophical question. Let see, who is she? She is the one. The one. You know, THE one that Michael loves.>

M: I’m Maria. You must be Sydney. Is that a Christmas present you’re wearing? <No, Maria,
it’s a dress. A lovely pink one. She’s dressed as a princess.>

B: Sydney’s going to be in the holiday pageant this afternoon, aren’t you sweetheart? <Awwwww.>

Brody goes over to Sydney to help her put her tiara on.

B: Big, isn’t it? (referring to the tiara) There we go. Lovely, isn’t it? <::cries:: Kleenex, I need Kleenex. Damn Christmas ep. No, wait, wonderful Christmas ep.>

While this convo is going on, the camera focuses on Maria’s face. <You can really see the concern in her eyes. Damn, my Kleenex box is almost empty.>

At Michael’s apartment:

M: Bumper. <Fits on car. Car drives away. Car goes to 285S and more snappy banter between M&M ensues. They share nookies at the porno version of Aladdin. Oh, I like this idea.>

I: Yes, I see that. <See, even she likes it.>

M: For her Jetta. <Which Michael loves. Because Maria owns it. And he loves her. Yep, definitely liking this idea.>

I: How did what I say yesterday result in this? <The word clueless comes to mind.>

Mi: It meets all your criteria. It’s personal because I personally know what a bug she has up her ass about how we’ve screwed up her car. <Insert another Beavis and Butthead-ism, “Huhuhuhuhuh, Michael said “ass” again. That’s two.> It’s thoughtful because I had to go to the junkyard to get it. <Did you also manage to pick some spare tires? How ‘bout a wrecking ball? Some dented fenders would be good. Ah, say what you will, but you gotta love Michael when he’s in his “What? What did I do wrong now?” mode.> And it’s something she would never get for herself for the obvious reason that her bumper’s been hanging on a string for the past half year. <Well, isn’t that sweet? He noticed her bumper. No, wait, that isn’t sweet. That is such a guy thing. Bumper indeed. Hah. >

I: Okay, Michael, this is what I am going to do. I’m going to take the Christmas dog show off my calendar and take you shopping and rectify the situation. <Oh, dear Lord, Michael in a mall? What is the world coming to? First a bumper, then Michael shopping? That’s it. Armageddon is here. Either that or hell just froze over.>

Mi: No, I’m not going to get obsessed over this present. <Gee, you coulda fooled me, Michael. That’s all you’ve been talking about this whole ep. If that’s not obsessed, then I don’t know what is.> This is fine. <A bumper may be many things but it is not fine.> I’m not going to make everyone else around me miserable. <Awwww, he’s so considerate. Now, get off your butt and get Maria another present.>

Is: What are you saying? That I get obsessed and make everyone around me miserable? <No, he’s not saying that. He wouldn’t. Oops, looks like he did. Duck, Michael. You don’t want her pissed.>

Mi: I didn’t say that. <Too little, too late there, buddy.>

I: You know, is it too much to ask that for one day a year, I could be a normal human being with a normal life and have a merry Christmas? <Uh, what was the question again? Your bouncy curls distracted me. They’re lovely, by the way.>

Mi: No, mein Fuhrer. <Okay, you really have to duck Michael. She’s gonna pin you with her icy queen bitchy stare. Which I totally love. Be afraid. Be very afraid.>

I: What? <There goes that stare.>

Mi: What? <Ah, another "Huh?" Michael look comes to the rescue.>

I: Sorry if I left some gifts here. I have some more shopping to do. <Unlike some people.>

Mi: Leave them on the table.

I: Bye bye then.

At the pageant:

L: Oh my God, Maria! <Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane … no, it’s Spiderman.>

M: I’ve been crying all day. <No, don’t cry because of Spiderman. Okay, I’ll get serious here and say I’ve been blubbering for half this ep.>

L: Oh, Maria.

M: Liz, I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to be there for Brody. <Watjutalkinbout, Willis?>

L: Yes, definitely. You know we could put together a care package from the Crashdown so they don’t have to worry about making food. <That is such a sweet offer. Michael, are you listening?>

M: No, no, no. I mean I’m going to be with them. <::lightly taps head a couple of times:: Did she just say what I thought she said?>

L: What are you talking about?

M: Brody is such a good man. <That he is.> And Sydney … we only spoke for a minute but we had this immediate connection. <Kinda like me and the TV screen. Cmon, you guys can’t tell me you don’t have a connection with your TV! Esp. when Roswell comes on.> A girl needs a mother. <Oh, just tug at my heart strings, why don’t you?>

L: Maria, slow down. <Yes, you passed ‘Go’ and didn’t collect $200.>

M: I can’t take it anymore, Liz. <You weren’t, by any chance, referring to Michael’s season 1 sweaters, were you?> It’s so sad. <Sad wasn’t exactly the word I had in my mind when it comes to his season 1 sweaters. More like atrocious.> I have to do something. <Take the boy shopping. Scratch that idea. You go shopping.>

***Sorry, I do not mean to gloss over or even belittle this serious subject. It’s just that it is so heart wrenching, that I cannot help but lighten it up a bit.***

L: Maria, you’re 17. You’re in high school. Brody is not. <Yep, that’s Liz. Queen of the understatement. >

M: My mother was married when she was 17. <So? My mother was married when she was 23. Wanna compare notes?> Ok, no, it’s not exactly an advertisement for marrying young. <No, but perhaps it’s an advertisement for ‘What was I thinking?’>

L: Maria, you can’t just step in and become someone’s mother. <She’s right. I really liked this convo between Liz and Maria because Liz focused on Maria’s problems and not her own. She was totally there for Maria. Go Liz!> And what all of a sudden, you’re just going to be with Brody? <Aaaah, no! Brody is mine! Mine, I tell you. Just substitute Michael for Brody and then Maria can be with Michael.> Did Brody say something to you? <Well, he said a lot of things to me! Well, at least he did … in my dreams. Does that count?> Did you talk to him about this? <My guess is no.> I mean, what’s making you think this?

M: He said he liked my voice. <Oh, yeah, that would do it. It’s a typical mating ritual, you know. A guy compliments a girl’s voice and then they rush off to the altar to hear wedding bells. Sure.> Oh my God, what am I thinking? <Exactly my question, Maria.> I’m going to marry Brody? I mean, I’m crazy. <No, you’re not. You funny, beautiful, smart-alecky, loyal, etc. but not crazy. Okay, maybe a tiny bit but that’s why I love ya.>

L: No, you’re not crazy. It’s … it’s just killing you not to do something about this because you are such a good person. <Finally! Somebody acknowledges what a wonderful person she is! Can we have some more of that, please? Writers? Please? I’ll send you M&Ms if you do.> But I think the best thing you could do is leave them alone. Their time is precious right now. You should let them have their time together. 

M: I mean, it’s so wrong. <No, what’s wrong is Michael not getting you a present for Christmas last year. Now that’s just wrong!> It’s Christmas. Christmas is supposed to have happy endings and miracles. <Hmmmm. M&M exchanging Christmas presents. M&M having a happy ending. Me being very happy. Me doing cartwheels and not falling on my face. Now that’s a miracle. I say it, “Bring it on!”>

At Michael’s apartment:

Michael is banging on the bumper with a hammer. He’s wearing a Metallica shirt, the one that was hanging in Courtney’s shrine. Courtney … you remember her, right? Flaky skin, died a couple of eps ago? ‘Course you do.

Max, Michael, Isabel and Tess are there. Max has come up with a plan to heal Sydney to ‘restore the balance’ because he failed to heal that other man who died in a car accident.

Mi: You heal her and you leave behind a silver handprint. <That’s not all he’ll leave behind. Smirk. I’ll leave that to your imagination.> And that leaves big fat clues that there are aliens in Roswell. <Hmmm. Big. Fat. Aliens. OMG, could it be? ::wonders:: He’s saying Santa’s an alien!!! I knew it, I just knew it.>

Mx: Nasedo destroyed all the records from the Special Unit. <With a little help from that paper-shredding fiend. Oh, yeah, and the Congresswoman too! > It’s possible no one know who we are or what the silver handprint is. <It’s also possible Marilyn Manson will suddenly become a monk. Hey, it could happen.> Look, I know what I’m asking here is big. There are a million reasons not to do it but only 1 reason to do it. <Because I want to. So there! Funny, that reason never works with my family.> I need to. <Maybe I should try saying that instead.> I don’t know what else to say. <Okay, I haven’t tried that approach yet.>

I: What we’ve been through this past year, it’s taken a lot away from us. <Have they ever! They took a lot of our Candy away from us.> I think maybe that sort of thing starts to take its toll. <Yep, it sure does. Sleep? What’s that? Food? Only if it comes in the form of M&Ms. Drink? Okay, I’ll give on this one. In other words, we can’t sleep, we can’t eat … it’s an obsession … a search … a quest … bring us more M&M!> You know, on our human side. So if you feel you need to do this, then I’m behind you. <Thanks, Izzy!>

Mx: Thank you.

T: Look, if this mean so much to you, I’m sure there’s a good reason for it so I’m with you too. <*sniffle, sniffle* Thanks, guys, I feel the love.>

Mx: Michael.

Mi: Hey, we’re here for a reason, Max. <Ah, the saga of Michael and Max continues. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of the Young and the Clueless.> So call me a selfish jerk <You sure about that? Okay, you asked for it. You’re a selfish jerk. But I still love you anyway. Underneath that jerky exterior lies a sweet, sensitive guy. Let him out for some air once in a while.> But I don’t think we should risk everything so you could feel a little bit better about yourself for Christmas. <Ah, Mr. Sensitivity. Doesn’t that just warm your little heart?> That’s three against one. I’m voted down anyways. <Well, look at this way, Michael, At least, it wasn’t 2-2. You’d have to have a recount, examine dimpled chads, go to the state courts, head to the Supreme Court, etc. Then before you know it, you’d have to give a concession speech and see some guy named W as president. Trust me, you’re better off with the 3-1 ratio.>

Mx: Michael. <That’s his name, don’t wear it out.>

Mi: You made your decision before you walked through that door. <Hah, Michael’s psychic! Hey, I knew that too. Does that make me psychic?> So why don’t you just do what you’re going to do and make sure you don’t screw up? <And that’s Michael’s version of an encouraging speech. >

At the Valenti household:

I loved Tess’ top in this scene! Tess is putting some last minute touches on the Christmas tree.

T: Ok, I think we’re just about ready. <No, wait, I’m not ready. ::scrambles off the couch to grab a drink:: Okay, now you can go.> Kyle, could you grab two more dining room chairs? <Oh, how sweet. For me?> I looked through the garage but couldn’t find any. <Heh, guess what Tess found instead? Yep, Kyle’s old socks. Guess where they went? Yep, the trash.>

K: That’s because there aren’t any. <Cmon, everyone knows that the garage is just meant for sock drying, not chair storage! Right? Right?>

T: What do you mean? <Oh, you mean you didn’t know that?>

K: Uh, we don’t have any chairs. <He’s waving those hands around a la Brendan. Sigh>

T: All we have are two chairs? <Well, what do you want? A partridge in a pear tree? Two calling birds? Three french hens, four turtle doves, five golden rings?> Doesn’t that seem a little odd to you? <No, odd is using the Christmas tree to dry socks.>

V: We used to have more chairs but over the years our collection has dwindled. <That’s because Kyle insisted on using them to dry his socks too. They didn’t hold up obviously.>

T: So it doesn’t bother you that there are only two chairs in the entire house? <Actually, they loved those other chairs so much, they decided not to replace them. Painful memories, you know. They’re both really torn up those chairs. On the inside, of course.>

V: We usually eat in front of the TV. <I rest my case. If there ever was such a poignant statement about the pain of missing chairs, this was it. The Valentis couldn’t even bear the thought of eating at the table, sitting on chairs because dammit, they missed the other ones so much.>

K: He’s never going to pick up that spare. <Poor Kyle. He’s still in denial about those chairs. He’s trying to sublimate his pain by watching sports.> Cmon, look with in. <Take your own advice, Buddha boy. Deal with the pain of losing the chairs.>

T: I have been cooking for 20 hours <Whoa! Someone can cook for 20 hours? That’s a new one for me. She must be really tired. Or she just misses the chairs.> while you two have been sitting on the couch like two beached whales. Not even noticing or caring that I am living here. <Okay, she’s yelling this out but it struck a chord within me. She’s feeling lonely and outcast. Like she has most of her life probably.> HE-LLO! Okay, I am here! HE-LLO! So since I’m living here, I should have a damn chair to sit in! <And while she’s giving out a list of demands, let me add my two cents. She should have a damn car too. Oh, wait, she does. Okay, she should have a damn calling card, her own damn cell phone, her own damn computer and her own damn bathroom. And thrown in her own damn house. Did I miss anything?>

V: Could always bring my desk chair over. <Oh, no, not THAT! Not the desk chair! Someone please spare us from THAT!>

K: Good idea. <*sigh* Were even listening to me?>

T: Oh, and uh, where is Amy De Luca going to sit? <On Jim’s lap, maybe?>

V: Amy De Luca? Why does Amy De Luca need a place to sit? <Because it’s tiring to eat dinner while standing?>

T: Because I invited her over to dinner. <Heheheheheheh.>

V: What? <Ok, let me repeat that again. She invited her over for dinner. Got that now?>

K: Well I figured if we had a guest, you two would shut off the TV and pretend to be civilized. <Now why would they want to do that? It’s fun to be uncivilized.>

V: When is she coming? <Oh, you had to ask.>

The doorbell rings.

T: Uh, about now, actually. <Gotcha!>

V: Oh my God. No, no, no, no. <Hey, has he been taking lessons in saying ‘no’ from Maria?> Cmon now, don’t do this to me. <Too late now. Looks like she already did.>

He tucks in his shirt and starts to clean up the coffee table. Cmon, help me out, will ya? <Okay. See that door right there? It’s called a closet? The broom’s in there. I hear it’s handy for cleaning stuff up.>

V: Don’t even invite someone over to dinner without telling me first. <Note to self: Don’t ever invite friends to dinner without telling the sheriff first. Of course, that would be hard seeing as he’s a fictional character. What do I do, storm the set of Roswell and ask pretty please if I could have Joe, Georgia and Ray over for a meal?> Geez, Louise. <There’s someone named Louise in this show? Where? Have I met her? Please tell me she’s not another alien.>

Kyle clears coffee table of chips. The sheriff takes a deep breath before opening the door.

V: Hi, Amy.

A: Hi, Jim. Hi everyone. It is so nice for you to think of me, Jim. And I loved your note. <::whistles innocently:: Wonder who sent him the note? Well, it wasn’t me if that’s what you’re saying. It wasn’t, I tell you!>

V: My note? <Heh, Valenti takes a stab at being clueless.>

A: I miss you too. <Awwwww!>

Max decides to break into Brody’s house to heal Sydney. Sydney and Brody are gone.

In Michael's apartment:

Mx: She had a relapse. She’s in the hospital in Phoenix. <Oooooh, do I sense a road trip? Quick, Max, to the Jetta-mobile!>

Mi: And?

Mx: And I’m going. <Is Maria going too? Please say she’s going.> It may be a little more dangerous now. <Rats, that means Maria’s not going. Fine, be that way.> I just thought you should know. <He should also know a bumper is not all that when it comes to presents.>

Mi: I’m going with you. <What, and you’re leaving Maria behind?> I just want to keep you from getting us all killed. <That, in Michael-speak, is ‘I worry about you and don’tr want anything bad to happen.’>

At the household with only two chairs:

K: Is that three-cheese potatoes gratin? <It is? Damn, and I thought it was a paperweight.>

T: With bacon on the bottom, your favorite. <Dare I say it? Someone’s got a cruuuuushh.>

In the kitchen:

K: Well, this is uh, this is really great. <His tummy thanks you in advance.>

T: Well, I saw a break in the NFL schedule between the 22nd and 24th of December so I figure, you know … <There’s a break? Where? Okay, who’s the wise guy that told me the 49ers were playing on the 23rd?>

K: Right. Well, this is the best Christmas dinner we’ve had in a long time. <You mean, one that didn’t come out of a cardboard box or a restaurant kitchen.> I mean two guys living alone. <Uh-hmmmmm. Tell me more. > We just never really had the Christmas spirit. <Obviously, the Christmas Nazi hasn’t come by your house.>

T: Well, it looks like he’s got the spirit now. (referring to the sheriff) <Uh, ah, he’s got the spirit, yeah! Uh, ah, he’s got the spirit, yeah! That was literally a Christmas cheer.>

K: That’s a really great gift that you gave him. To both of us I mean. <Can we get an “Awwww” right here?>

T: This is a great gift to me too. <Okay, where’s my great gift? Izzy?>

At the Phoenix hospital:

Max and Michael are dressed in blue hospital scrubs. They are outside the pediatric oncology room.

Mi: One knock means “Be on your guard.” Two means ‘The coast is clear.” And will mean ‘We’re screwed.” <And four knocks mean he loves Maria. Five knocks mean he wants to marry her eventually. Six knocks mean he wants her to father his children eventually. What? That’s what it means, right?>

Mx: Right. <Max agrees with me.>

Max heals Sydney and the other kids in the room.

Nurse: Excuse me, I was supposed to check this ward.

Mi: I’ll save you the trouble. Someone’s checking them. <Healing them too. Don’t forget about that.>

Guards come by and Michael knocks on the door repeatedly. He goes into the room and seals the lock with his powers. Max’s power starts to fade. He collapses.

Guard: Open this door now.

Mi: If there is a God, please help us now. <Praying Michael? Now this is a new one.>

At Michael’s apartment:

M: Spaceboy! <Okay, Michael, your turn. Call her Hurricane De Luca.>

Michael covers the bumper he’s working on.

Mi: What’s up? <Uh, the sky?>

M: I just wanted to let you know I heard about what you did for Sydney and those children. <Wasn’t that just the sweetest, most doveliest thing? I’m such a sap.>

Mi: Thank Max. I was against it. <In Michael-speak, that means, ‘Thanks!’>

M: This whole thing with Sydney has made me realize how stupid I’ve been about the whole gift thing. <Wait, rewind! Does this speech sound familiar to you? Check this out: "I’m sorry. For that whole 'being the perfect boyfriend' thing. After what happened to Alex last night, that's just, like, not what's important to me at all." That was from Crazy. It had similar undertones. The thing I like about Maria is she does admit to Michael when she’s wrong.>

Mi: I actually got you one. <Heh, you just scored major points there, buddy!>

M: You did? Really? (excited look on her face)

Mi: Yeah.

M: Yay, I’m so excited. <So am I. Believe me. I can’t wait to see the look on her our face when she sees the bumper. Something tells me it will be priceless.> What is that smell?

Maria uncovers the bumper.

Mi: It’s not done yet. <He wants to make it perfect for her. Can I get a candy sigh?>

M: Is that a bumper? <No, it’s really the base of a really long Razor scooter skateboard.> It’s a bumper. <Okay, you got me. It’s a bumper. There, happy now?>

Mi: Yeah, yeah.

M: Is that like a Jetta bumper? <Nah, it’s for his Porsche.>

Mi: Not yet but it’s gonna be. <He needs to pound on it a few more times. Just to get the cluelessness out of his system.>

M: Michael, that is so thoughtful. <Yeah, thoughtful. That’s the word I’d choose. Seriously, it is kinda nice. In a Michael sorta way.>

Mi: That’s what I keep saying. <He looks real relieved here. Oh Michael, you’re not scot-free yet.>

M: I mean, my bumper’s been hanging from … <A mistletoe? Kiss, kiss??>

Mi: From a string, I know. <Damn, so close … but no cigar! And for his next trick, Michael’s also going to finish Maria’s next sentence.>

M: And I would have never, you know …

Mi: Got one for yourself. <Damn, I’m good. I predicted it, didn’t I?>

Michael kisses Maria’s cheek. <Ahhhhhhhhh! Me jumping up and down!!!>

Mi: Merry Christmas. <No, Merry Christmas to YOU, Michael. Now kiss her again. Please?>

M: Thank you, Michael. Thank you. <Kiss, anyone?> So you want to exchange gifts now?

Mi: Huh? <Oh, that ‘huh?’ is so damn cute. Told you that you weren’t scot-free yet, Michael.>

M: Are one of those for me? (points to gifts) <Right about now, Michael’s scrambling to think of a way to tell her they’re not for her.> One of those are for me. <Uh-oh, too late now. Cross your fingers everyone. Let’s hope there’s no bloodletting. >

Michael closes his eyes. He’s putting his hands to his face. <Yes! I will now take a short break to bask in the glory of Bren’s hands. *bask, bask, bask*>

Mi: Yes, I’ll go get it. <Poor Michael. You look hunted.>

M: Which one? Is it the big one? 

Mi: Turn around. <Prolong the torture, why don’t you?>

Maria turns around. She is smiling, excited.

Michael looks all the presents then sees a present Izzy got for Michael to give to Maria. He lets out a big sigh and smile of relief. There is a stickie note on the gift that says “Michael, just in case … The Christmas Nazi.” When Michael peels out the stickie, the tag on the gift says “To Maria, Merry Christmas. Love, Michael.” <He just got his ass bailed out BIG time. Hmmm, now I wonder, where’s my present? Did Izzy forget? That’s okay.>

Mi: Merry Christmas. (hands gift to Maria)

M: Hoo, hoo, hoo, what is it, what is it? <Hoo, hoo, hoo, I don’t know, I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll find out together. Please don’t let it me a toothbrush, please don’t let it be a toothbrush.>

Mi: That’s a good question. <Word.>

<Another slight break to revel in a “hands” moment. Bren’s got his hands up to his face. *revel, revel, revel*> He looks worried.

Mi: Now remember I was in Phoenix saving lives so I was a little strapped for time. <A little? Try none.> Oh, please, God.

He’s closing his eyes, putting his hands to his face again and muttering prayers. <Michael, thrown in a prayer about more great M&M scenes, would you?>

Maria opens her present. It’s a pair of pearl earrings.

M: Michael!

Michael drops his hands from his face and looks down, almost resigned, as if expecting the worst.

M: These are real pearls.

Mi: What? <Michael, she said, THESE ARE REAL PEARLS!> Wow! <He’s so cute when he’s surprised> Of course. <Smug, aren’t we? Hah. Nice comeback, Michael.>

M: Oh My God, these must have cost you a fortune. <Money’s no object when it comes to love.>

Michael’s sitting down on a stuffed chair. Maria sits on his lap.

Mi: I’m sure they will. <Heh. He knows it too.>

M: These are the most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. But I don’t need this gift. This year my gift is you. <Oh, damn. Kleenex. Wait, I’m out. Shoot. TP then. I’m crying tears of joy by the way. I swear I heard every CandyClanner sighing when she said this line. Then all of you probably went “Me too, me too!”>

Maria kisses Michael twice quickly, a mwah, mwah, lips-smacking kind of kiss.

Mi: So you don’t want the earrings then? <Will he ever learn? >

M: Oh, no, I’ll keep the earrings.

Maria hugs Michael and smiles. Michael closes his eyes, shakes his head and hugs her back. The expression on his face seems to say “I’ll never understand women.”

At the Evans house:

Mx: You’re going to the midnight service. You don’t even believe in anything. <He does too! He believes in things that start with the letter M … as is Maria … as in Metallica …>

Mi: Gotta hedge your bets, Maxwell. <Ah, ever the cynic.> I’ve had my prayers answered twice in the past 2 days. <There’s that awwwing thing again. Can’t help it.> Don’t ask. You okay?

Mx: Better.

Mi: Your powers? <Can I have ‘em? No? Damn.>

Mx: Yeah, they’re starting to come back to me. <Could I at least borrow them for while?>

Mi: Good. I just wanted to say that I’m really pissed about what happened last night. <Last night? Something happened last night? Oh, guess I must have blanked out everything that happened before the M&M hug and smoochies.>

Mx: Michael, I couldn’t help myself. <Me neither. Can you blame me if my mind goes temporarily blank after an M&M hug and kiss? No, didn’t think so.>

Mi: No, no, no, I’m pissed because I didn’t have the ability to help the kids in the hospital that you couldn’t get to. <So is he saying he doesn’t have the ability to heal? He healed Riverdog’s sprained ankle! Or is he just saying that he was pressed for time and didn’t get a chance to heal other patients? Or is he just generally pissed? >

Mx: Michael. <How many times has Max said his name in this ep anyway?>

Mi: Nuff said. I got a Christmas present for you. <Not another bumper I hope.> C'mon.

***Now I know I have been poking fun at the bumper but I thought it was a nice gift actually. It was definitely original … something Maria would never forget.***

Michael and Max walk to Brody’s house. They see through the window that Bordy and Sydney are sitting in a chair. Brody is reading a story to his daughter. They look happy. <::bawls:: That’s it, I’m buying stock in Kleenex.>

At the Christmas pageant, a choir sings ‘O Come All Ye Faithful.’ Maria’s wearing the pearl earrings. Maria looks at Michael and smiles. Michael looks back at her and smiles a half-smile.

Isabel is in front. She glances back and rubs the tips of her fingers together in a ‘show me money’ gesture and smiles widely. Michael has an ironic smile on his face.

Max arrives, kisses his mother and sits down next to Liz.

L: I thought you didn’t believe in God.

Mx: I believe in you. <Awwww. My dreamer sis probably swooned at this part, along with the rest of the dreamers.>

They clasp hands. It starts to snow.

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A Roswell Christmas Carol
Otherwise known as sap galore with some wittiness thrown in