Disturbing Behavior
A-ha!  Another road trip with the dynamic duo
Notes:  Roswell scripts are property of the WB, Jason Katims Productions and the rest of The Powers That Be.  I don't own them so absolutely NO infringement or copyright violation is intended.  


I've made an effort to get the transcripts as accurate as I can but they may not be 100% accurate. I'm not posting all the scenes in the episode, just certain ones that I like.  They are scenes primarily with Michael and/or Maria in them.  My MS3TK-style commentary is in < >.   Please do not archive these transcripts/commentaries anywhere else.


Transcriber/Commentator:  Minnie
Archive Date: 2/20/2001


Note:  M&M = Michael and Maria, Ma = Maria, Mi = Michael, Sc or L = The screamer also known as Laurie,  U = Uncle Bobby, A = Aunt Mary


M&M are on a rooftop somewhere, staking out the police station: 

Ma:  Ok, that is freaky.  (talking about the photo of Laurie’s grandfather) 

Mi:  Yeah, it’s pretty weird, huh?  <Hey, you already met your other double Rath so what’s another one?  Of course, this one looks more like Farmer John.  Sausage anyone?>

Ma:  Pretty weird, huh?  Michael, have you ever even thought of the possibility that this guy more than just looks like you?  <Yeah, I think that thought has crossed his mind.  Once or twice.  In passing.  While he was getting a burger and fries.>  Like he is you, like he’s your donor.  <Well, he sure passed on the family trait of funky hairstyles.>  Like your human side is him.  <So you’re saying Michael may just sporting overalls just like dear old Grandpa soon?  Lord help us.>  Which means in some weird and twisted way that he and his relatives are like your family.  <Did you guys like notice how many times Maria said the word ‘like’ in this exchange?  Like, I did.>

Mi:  Like Laurie Dupree.  <See, now even Michael’s caught on with the ‘like’ thing.>

Ma:  Exactly.  <You mean, like exactly.>

Mi:  It figures.  I finally find a family member and she’s a complete whack job.  <Like, what do you mean?  ::grin::  To get a little serious here:  Michael’s search for his origins and his ‘family’ has been one of the underlying themes of Roswell since the show began.  Now that the search has led him somewhere, it’s a little disheartening to know that what he might find is not the ‘something better out there’ that he may have expected.  But hey, at least his ‘relatives’ aren’t boring.  They’re like, colorful.>

M&M each have a pair of binoculars.  Maria’s looking through hers.

Ma:  Whoa!

Mi:  What? 

Ma:  Someone’s in Gerrickson’s hardware store.  <Uh, that someone isn’t looting the place, is he?>

Mi:  Maria, we’re supposed to be watching the sheriff’s station. <Oh, yeah, because everyone knows watching the sheriff’s station is 1,000 times more interesting than a plain old hardware store.  A sheriff station’s got action … it’s got police cars with sirens that go “wing-wing-wing-wing”.  A hardware store’s got nothing … unless you consider counting nuts and bolts action.>

Ma:  I think they’re having sex!  <What?  Ok, I take back everything I said about the hardware store. Clearly, hardware store = action.>

Mi:  Whoa!  <Yeah, I thought you’d say that.>

Ma:  He’s not actually going to plug that thing in, is he?  <Depends on what's he plugging and where's he plugging in it.  Know what I mean?!>

Mi:  (cheering)  Go, baby, go!  Yeah!  <Typical, just typical.  He’s such a guy.>

Ma:  Sick, man, this town is sick!  <Oooh, baby!  Want join their sick-ness?:>
Michael, something’s happening.  <You mean, something besides the hardware store action.>

They see Laurie tied down to a stretcher and escorted by cops into an ambulance.  M&M follow suit in the Jetta.

Ma:  So just to put this out there, I assume we’re back together again?  <YES!>

Mi:  I’m not going to get into this relationship stuff right now.  <Damn.  Well, at least Maria wasn’t the one who said the word ‘relationship’ this time.>

Ma:  You don’t have to.  Actually I prefer that you didn’t say anything at all.  <Well, that should be no problem for him.  He’s not exactly a candidate for the Talker of the Year award.>  I’m just telling you that if we’re chasing down some crazy girl in the middle of the night, the only reason that I’d do something so nuts is because we’re dating again.  <Awwwww.>

Mi:  Whatever.  <::sputters::  Whatever?  That’s it, that’s all you have to say?  Oh, wait, I forgot, you’re somewhat communication-challenged.  So I’m going to have to do an intervention, I mean, an interpretation here.   Whatever.  Hmmmm.  ::mulls the answer::   A-HA!  He DIDN’T deny Maria’s statement, people!  He didn’t!  You know what that means, right? ::jumps around in joy::>

Ma:  I told you not to say anything.  <I didn’t say ‘anything’.  I just said HE DIDN’T DENY IT!>

Laurie manages to untie her bonds and knock out the ambulance attendant.  She grabs the wheel from the driver and the ambulance goes into a ditch.  Michael runs up to the ambulance.

Mi:  Hey, can you hear me?  <Uh, yes, Michael, stop shouting, we’re not deaf.>  Are you guys all right?

The ambulance door opens and out pops Laurie who I will now dub as “the screamer”.

Mi:  No, easy, easy, I’m not going to hurt you.

The screamer pushes him aside. 

Ma:  I’m here to help you!

The screamer runs straight into Maria, knocking her down.  Gun shots rings out from a masked assailant’s rifle.  Michael scrambles to find cover by the Jetta, bringing Laurie with him.

Mi:  Get down, get down, get down! 

He covers Laurie in protection.

Mi:  Maria, get in the car!  <The way Michael yelled out this line got my heart all a-thumpin.  He sounded so WORRIED and concerned about her.  It positively gave me a jolt.  As the Wicked Witch of East said in The Wizard of Oz, “Aaah, I’m melting, I’m melting!” at this line!>

Mi: (to the screamer):  Hey, hey, hey!  Now you can come with us or stay here and get killed!  <Uh, does she have a third option?  Like can she phone a friend?>

Laurie decides to join them.  Michael blows up the hood of the assailant’s car.

Mi:   Cmon, cmon, cmon.  Get in the car, get in the car!  <Alright, alright, alright.  You don’t have to tell me twice.  You don’t have to tell me twice.>

As they drive off, the shooter hits one of the Jetta’s side mirrors.

Max and Isabel are at the Evans house, watching a TV news report about Laurie’s disappearance from the ambulance and talking to Michael on their respective phones. 

Michael and Maria are on a road somewhere.  Laurie is locked inside the Jetta, slamming stuff and trying to do her damnedest to get out.  Michael’s on the phone with Max and Isabel while Maria’s pacing outside the car, surveying the damage.


Mx:  Where are you?

Mi:  I don’t know, we’re, um, 30 miles west of Dexter.  <Ok, where IS this Dexter place? 
People keep mentioning it!>

Ma:  Side mirror, $100 not including labor.  <This portion of the show has been brought to you by Mastercard.  Keep listing items that need to be replaced but make sure you end
it with the tag line “For everything else, there’s Mastercard.”>

Isabel:  How is she?

Mi:  Laurie?  She’s completely crazy.  <Sorry, I prefer the term loony-tunes.>  She tried to jump out of the car 3 times while it was still moving.  <Hey, did you ever think that she just really, really, really wanted to pee?  Maybe she had a Big Gulp at your last stop and had to go, you know?>  I had to use my powers to lock her in.  <No wonder she’s freaking out inside the car.  Let her out, Michael, let her out!  She needs to go to the bathroom!>  She’s basically like a caged animal.  <Honey, you’d be a caged animal if someone locked you in a car with no place else to ‘go’!!!  Well, at least, she’s not screaming.  Thank God for small favors.>

Laurie rips the sun visor off its hinges.

Ma:  Sun visor, $15 including labor of course.

Is:  God, the whole state is looking for her.  You can’t come back to Roswell, Michael.  <You mean, as in ‘ever’ or as in ‘not until you and Maria have had your season 2 version of 285 South’?>

Laurie grabs the CD player.

Ma:  No, no, no, no!  Now you’re hurting all of us!  <Yeah, getaways always need good background music, you know?  No, you didn’t know that?  Well, where the heck is that damn script!!???>

Mx:  We can use any information we can get about the crystal.  Try to get her talking.  <The screamer doesn’t talk.  The screamer mumbles, shakes, runs, falls down and screams.  A LOT.>

Mi:  Oh, yeah, she’s a real conversationalist.  <Look who’s talking.  ::light bulb goes off::  Now, I KNOW Michael and Laurie are definitely related.  Forget the picture of grandpa 1935.  Cmon, don’t you see the other similarities?  The same distrustful ways, the same tight-lipped demeanor?  Of course!!>

Ma:  Not the dash, not the dash.  That is a major deal to replace.  <Has she ever had to replace it before?  I remember she’s had to replace the back window because of some Uzi shots but the dash?>  Do you see this? (to  Michael)

Mi:  (to the screamer) What are you doing?  <Michael, I told you, she’s freaking out because she needs to GO now!  Cmon, have a heart.>

Maria is lying down the hood of the car as Michael talks to Laurie.

Mi:  Laurie, I’m trying to help you, okay?  <Michael, only a bathroom can help her now.>  I mean, just tell me if you have any family, how hard is that?  <Uh, is this a trick question?>  C’mon, you can trust me!  <Yeah, don’t see you the big “trust me” sign tattooed on his forehead?  You don’t?  Damn, I must be seeing things.>  I pulled you out of that ambulance, I saved you from the kidnappers.  <And I only screamed once.>  I mean, what else do I gotta do?  <Do a little dance, make a little love to Maria, get down tonight, get down tonight!>

Michael beeps horn and jolts Maria.

Ma:  Michael!  That’s it, let’s go, I’m hungry.  <Oh, yeah, I forgot.  They haven’t eaten since they tailed the screamer from the night before.>

Mi:  Go?  Go where?  <To the bathroom, maybe?>

Ma:  To the Roadside Café.  It’s got the world’s worst chili cheese fries in about 100 miles but the best vanilla shakes in 5.  <Heartburn and stomach indigestion, here we come!!!>

Mi:  The cops are looking for her.

Ma:  Listen, trust me, even the cops give the Roadside a wide berth.  <That’s because they don’t serve any donuts!  If they served donuts, the cops would be lining up the block.>

It’s strictly for us hardcore greasy spoon aficionados.  <I like the way she said ‘aficionados’.  She emphasized the accent on it.>

At the Roadside Café

Ma:  Ah, the food that time forgot.  <Also known as the spaghetti that’s turning into a gelatinous mixture in my friend’s fridge.>  Assuming that anything out of a can is a safe bet.

The screamer actually speaks!!!!

Sc:  I have to go the bathroom.  <I rest my case.  See, Michael, I TOLD you she wanted to go to the bathroom.   ::goes into Maria-like speech:  Hmmmph, all I do is try and help people but do they listen to me?::   No!>

Mi:  Fine.  Maria.

Ma:  What?

Mi:  Go with her.  <Go with her?  Why so she can scream my ear off in the bathroom?>

Ma:  Are you crazy?  <Well, there seems to some of kind thing running in the family.>  Have you ever seen that bathroom?  <Um, I hope not.  What would Michael be doing in a women’s bathroom?  Never mind.  Don’t answer that.>  It’s one stall, no door.  I’m sorry, no thank you.

Mi:  Well, if you don’t, she’s gonna book.  (to the screamer) Isn’t that right?  <Book what?  A flight to Scream 3 school?  Trust me, she doesn’t need the lessons.>

Ma:  Ok, I’m sorry I’ve had it.  (to the screamer) Look, I am not your mommy and I am not your doctor so there’s no frikkin way I’m gonna go in the bathroom with you and hold your hand while you potty.  <LMCAO!  Well, could you at least hold the door? ::grin:: >  Look, we gotta establish a little trust, alright?  You trust us, we trust you.  <She doesn’t scream again and I don’t scream at her to shut up.>   Look, all we wanna do is help you escape the evil aliens that wanna bury you in the woods, remember?  <I caught a hint of Betty Osorio’s ‘accent’ as Maria delivered this line.>  Is there anybody else in the big bad world that’s gonna do that for you, hmmmm?  <Wait, I’m thinking, I’m thinking.>  No, see I didn’t think so.  <Hey, I wasn’t done thinking.>  Look, after you answer nature’s call in that toxic waste dump of a restroom, you have the choice of either A)  rejoining us here at the table with a different attitude <that means no more screaming ever> for a nice delicious meal <that means you’ll get heartburn but it will be worth it> or B) you can hoof it to the Mexican border.  It’s about 150 miles that a way  (points left).  <How about adding C) You leave M&M alone for some ‘banter’ time and come back in an hour bearing M&Ms and Krispy Kreme donuts?  No?  Eh, it was worth a shot.>

Ma:  (to waitress) Can we get some service here?

Laurie goes to the bathroom.

Mi:  You think it’s gonna work?

Ma:  Not a chance.  But doesn’t matter.  The Mexican border’s that a way. (points right)

At the Deluca household:

Liz:  I am certain Maria is fine.  <I’m also certain that Maria’s slinging verbal wisecracks to Michael as we speak.>

Amy:  Oh, she called.  She went camping again.  <Ah, camping .  That must be the code word for ‘road trip with M&M in the Jetta.’>

Liz:  See, I knew it.

Amy:  (folding long johns) Do you know what these are?  <Uh, are they someone’s failed scarf project?>

Liz:  Long johns?  <Oh, yeah, that’s what they are.  ::blush::>

Amy:  Maria’s long johns.  <You sure about that?> Why would Maria leave her long johns and all of her other winter gear at home if she was going in the camping in the middle of February?  <Amy, it's time for you to know the big family secret.  Those are not really Maria’s long johns and winter gear.  Those are Sean’s.  He's a cross dresser.  ::grin::  No?  You’re not buying it?>   Here’s a theory from someone who’s had several hours to muse on it.  <if she mentions the word ‘relationship’, I will scream!>  She didn’t go camping, she lied to her mother just like the other four times she took off for days on end, each time leaving out on the open road another piece of her innocence and my Jetta.  <What is this?  Could it be?  ::blinks in amazement:: Yes, I think it is!  Ladies and gentleman, may I present “Continuity” and “A Parent Noticing and Worrying About a Child’s Continual Disappearance”.>  Liz, I consider you a friend and extended member of this family and I value the friendship you have with my daughter very much but if you don’t tell everything you know about where the hell she is, I am gonna become very violent with you.  <Liz,  you’re doing that ‘deer caught in headlights’ look again.  Amy vs. Liz?  Do I hear strains of Celebrity Deathmatch?>

Liz:  Mrs. DeLuca, she’s fine.  She’s with Michael.  <Awwww, that she is.>

Amy:  I knew it.  <Well, if you knew it, why’d you even ask?>

Liz:  Yeah, but they’re just getting away.  <Yeah, from masked assailants and disbelieving cops.>  They’re taking in the scenery.  <They’re also taking in the ‘food that time forgot.’>

Sean:  Yeah, the cheap motor inn.  <Heheheheh, I wish. ;) >

Liz:  Sean, shut up.  <I like it when Liz gets feisty.>

Amy:  Alright, give me your phone.  <What?  No, Liz, tell her to get one of her own!>

Liz:  What?

Amy:  Hand it over.  <Fine, be the way.  But Liz, I’m telling your mother!>

Liz gives Amy her cell phone.

Amy:  She shut her phone off but I’m sure she’ll be turning it off to call you again and when she does, I’ll be here with you to receive the call.  You can sit down, you’re not going anywhere until I get my daughter back.  <Well, Liz isn’t going anywhere without getting her cell phone back either so hah!  She’s going to sit right in your living room and play paddle ball until that happens!  Right, Liz?>

The screamer is walking by the road.  The Jetta creeps in behind her.  She starts to run in a field but then stops as she sees M&M chasing her.  She sits on a tree stump in the middle of the field.  M&M come up to her.

Ma:  Laurie Dupree, fancy meeting you out here.  <Yeah, it’s not exactly Mexico.>  So what’s going
on?  What’s happening?  <You want a condensed version of events?  She escaped from an ambulance, screamed when Michael tried to help her, tried to kill your car, didn’t eat at the cafe, went to the bathroom and then took off for the road.  Entiendes?>

Mi:  You okay?  <Michael, the question should be, 'Are YOU okay after eating those chili cheese fries?'>


Ma:  Know what?  You don’t give you those lips a rest and let me have a talk with spaceboy, okay?  <Yeh, all that talking and screaming is just murder on the ears, you know?  Plus I think your lips are getting chapped from all the talking.  I mean, from all the NOT talking.  I dove it when Maria calls Michael spaceboy.>

Maria pulls Michael aside.

Ma:  Okay, you wanna get through to her?  You wanna make a connection here?  This is what you gotta do.  You gotta tell her the truth.  <The truth about what?  Cats and dogs? ‘Birds and the bees’?>

Mi:  Forget it.  <Okay, fine, I’ll handle the ‘birds and bees’ part.>

Ma:   Look, you wanna know why you look like Grandpa 1935?  She is the key.  <Wait, I thought Dawn was the key.  The one that was sent to the Slayer for protection.  You mean, there’s ANOTHER key?>

Ma:  So you have two choices, okay?  You can let her in on the whole alien conspiracy thing and hope that it shakes something loose from the dusty corners of her brain <Yeah, the ones that she hasn’t deafened from her screaming> or you can … no, you know what?  That’s not going to work so look, you have that one option.  <What, no phone-a-friend, no poll-the-audience, no 50-50 options?  I gotta tell you, this game sucks.>

Mi:  No, no, no.  What's my second option?  <Here’s a thought:  Kiss Maria!!!!>

Ma:  You’re not capable of it, I promise.  <Oh, trust me, Maria, he’s capable of it.  He’s been kissing every damn blonde in Roswell except you.  Now it’s about time he kissed you.>

Mi:  Just say it.

Maria steps closer to Michael and grabs his upper arms/shoulders.  The best Maria line of the ep comes up next.

Ma:  FORM.AN.EMOTIONAL.BOND.WITH.LAURIE.  <OR.SCREAM.AT.HER.SOME.MORE.  Seriously though,  I dove the way she said this line, pronouncing each word slowly and punctuating them with sarcastic and serious tones.  Ah, Michael, she’s so close and you guys are looking at each other.  Kiss, kiss! >

Michael shakes his head slightly, disagreeing.  <So I take it that's a "no" on the screaming and kissing?  Spaceboy, you’ve disappointing me here.>

Ma:  Fine, if you don’t like that answer then go show her the secret alien handshake.  <Michael has to pretend his finger’s a lighter again?  Is that the secret handshake you’re talking about?>

Mi:  Okay, fine.  What kind of psychobabble over crap do I gotta tell her?  <Just tell her to stop screaming.>

Ma:  I can’t put the words in your mouth, Michael.  <Uh, Maria, how about you putting your lips in his mouth?>  It’s gotta come from you..  It’s gotta come from whatever organ you have sitting in for your heart.  <He’s got an organ?  Where?  Seriously, he has a heart.  He just covers it up and pretends it’s not there sometimes.>  Just go over there and tell her in your own words that she can trust you and make sure that she feels you’re being completed and emotionally honest.  <She’s smart, you should listen to her, Michael.  My take on this scene:  Maria is the only person who can tell Michael exactly how to get through to Laurie.  After all, she succeeded in penetrating his massive defensive wall.  And like I said before, Laurie and Michael seem similar in certain respects … they’re distrustful, tight-lipped, rather harsh, loners.    

If you think about it, it’s sort of symmetrical.  Maria got through to Michael.  Now she can use her experiences with him to tell Michael how to get through to someone else. .  This time, it’s Michael who is in Maria’s shoes and it’s Laurie who he is trying to make a connection with.   If it weren’t for Maria, do you think Michael would have a clue on what to do?  I don’t think so. >

Mi:  Okay, fine.

Ma:  Alright, think you can handle it?

Mi:  I’m not completely emotionally retarded.  I have feelings.  <Awww, you’re so cute when you say that.  ‘I have feelings.’  Awwww.   As for the ‘retarded’ part, I think that’s the part we Candies call “clueless.”>

Ma:  Okay, then walk over there and give them a workout.  <The Jane Fonda tape is not included.>

Michael walks to the screamer, looking like he doesn’t have a clue as to what he should say to her.  Michael sits next to her on the fallen tree log.  They sit in silence for a while.  Michael picks up rocks and starts throwing them. 

Mi:  Look, Laurie, I know a lotta people think you’re kinda crazy.  <No, a lotta people think she’s annoying.>  But the truth is, knowing everything you’ve been through, you seem pretty normal to me.  <Are you kidding?  No one screams like her and is normal.>

I just want you to know that whatever you are to me, a sister, cousin, whatever … you’re the only family I’ve ever known and I just found you and I don’t want to let you go.  <Awwww, just squeeze my heart and twist it further, why don’t you?  *sniffle, sniffle*  That’s.just.so.sweet!>  I mean I got all kinds of faults.  <Want me to give you a list?  Heh.>  This one over here (motioning to Maria) you know, she can list them all for you if you want later on  <Can I get in on the listing of Michael’s faults thing later on?  Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short, like only 3 pages.  Heh.>  But the one thing I am is loyal and I will not turn my back on you.  That’s all I gotta say.  <I doved his speech … it WAS emotional, honest and heartfelt.  I dove seeing this side of Michael, his human side, his soft side.  Do you mention it always comes up when Maria’s around or as a result of something Maria did?>

Since Laurie’s no longer screaming, I’ll start calling her Laurie again instead of “the screamer”.

L:  You’re not my grandpa, are you?  <No.  Not unless he’s a 85-year-old man trapped in a 17 year old’s body.>

Mi:  No.  But I’d like to meet him.

L:  Tucson. Grandpa’s in Tucson , Arizona.  <Wait a minute!  Did Laurie say in WAF, “You’re dead!  You’re dead!” when she saw Michael?  She must have thought Michael was her grandfather.  So why is she now saying that her grandfather’s alive and in Tucson?  I’m so confused.>

M&M are in the car with Laurie.  Maria calls Liz on her cell phone.  Liz, Amy and Sean are still in the Deluca household.  Amy is a little flustered when the cell phone rings as since she doesn’t seem to know how to work it.

Amy:  Hello!

Ma:  Hello?  (surprised)

Amy:  That’s right, this is your mother.  I confiscated Liz’s phone.  <Yeah, and Liz is so upset, she’s playing paddle ball.>  Where are you?

Ma:  I’m still in New Mexico, Mom!  <She’s good with the non-answers.>

Amy:  Oh, that’s cute.   Where are you?  <In a car?>

Ma:  On our way to Arizona.  <Wow, she told the truth.>

Amy:  Why?

Ma:  We’re being free spirits, Mom.

Amy:  That mean you’re going to Sedona to get stone and have sex in the hills!  <Oh, is that what it means?  Hmmmm.  Hey, I’m okay with the going to Sedona part.  As for the getting stoned, nah, I heard those pebbles hurt when people throw them at your skin.  Sex in the hills?  Sedona has hills?  Where?  Last time I saw they had a lot of red rock formations but not really hills!>

Ma:  Mom!

Amy:  Do you think I wasn’t 17 once?  Do you think I didn’t go crazy, stupid things with a really bad boy when I was your age?  <Okay, I wanna know about these crazy things.>

Ma:  Yes, I know you did, Mom … Dad.

Amy:  Let me talk to him.  <Uh-oh.>

Ma:  No!  Why?

Amy:  Put him on the phone now.  <Wow, she can be very commanding.>

Ma:  She wants to talk to you. 

Maria tries to hand Michael the phone but he refuses, they play a short tug of war until Michael finally gives in and grabs the phone.

Mi:  Hey, Mrs. DeLuca.  <I dove the way he said this, very casual-like and in a deep tone.>

Amy:  Michael, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully.  On this glorious, rebellious lost weekend of yours, you will take care of my daughter.  You will protect her and be kind to her and she will have fun.  You will not get matching tattoos <Hmmm, is this a dig about Bren’s tattoos?> and you will not allow her to pierce any part of her body that cannot be shown in polite company.  <Yeah, I think seeing Rath, Ava and Lonnie killed any notions of piercing.>  And Michael, if you have sex with my daughter, I will hunt you down and kill you like the mangy dog you are, okay?  <ROTFLMCAO!  That is THE best line of the episode.>

Mi:  Okay.  <Even he agrees with me about the line.>

Amy:  Call me if you need bail money.  <ROTFLOL!  And the lines just keep on coming.  I dove this whole phone convo.>

Ma:  What did she say?

Mi:  She wants you to have fun.  <Uh, what kind of fun did you have in mind, Michael?>

Michael, Maria and Laurie drive to Tucson.  They  stop outside the gates of a huge mansion.  This is where the ep gets all creepy and “Twilight Zoney” for me.

Mi:  You okay?

L:  I’m just nervous.  I haven’t seen my grandfather for so long.  <Ah, that’s why you freaked out and screamed “You’re dead, you’re dead” to Michael and ran away from him like a bat out of hell … because he reminded you of your grandfather whom you were  nervous about.  Uh-huh, sure.>

A security camera inside a gargoyle pans to the trio.  A voice comes out.

Security:  Can I help you?

Mi:  Yeah, we’re here to see Charles Dupree.

Security:  Who are you?


Mi:  I’m Michael, this is Maria and this is Mr. Dupree’s granddaughter, Laurie.  <OK, I like the way he mentions his name and then Maria’s.  Michael and Maria just go together.>

The trio enters the house.  The maid looks startled and stares at Michael.  Laurie's uncle Bobby sees Laurie.

U:  Laurie, is it really you?

L:  Where’s grandpa?

U:  (looks at Michael, also surprised)  Oh my God!  <Ok, all the staring is starting to remind me of something.  Oh, wow, did you take staring lessons from Liz?>

Laurie's aunt Mary  is desceding the stairs, talking all the while.

A:  Bobby, you do remember we have a function this afternoon (she said a few other things but I couldn’t catch them and then looks at Michael, stunned).  <More staring.  No I'm think she took lessons from Max.>

A:  Who are you?  What is it?

L:  Aunt Mary, I wanna see my grandfather right now.

U:  He’s dead, Laurie.  He’s been dead for 7 years.  You were at his funeral for God’s sake. <Oh.  Well, then it would be hard to see him then, wouldn’t it?>

Inside a study in the mansion:

Laurie’s aunt and uncle are fixing themselves some drinks while Laurie seated on the couch with M&M standing behind her.

U:  Spooky, I mean, it’s just spooky.  <Spooky?  You mean, it’s Casper the Friendly Ghost’s not so friendly cousin?  Where?  Where?>

A:  Typical is more like it.  Daddy did always have that wandering eye.  <Michael better have not inherited that wandering eye from ‘Daddy’ or there will be hell to pay.>  Looks he like just wandered off the M (I couldn’t make out what she said) reservation and left us all a surprise.

U:  Well, I love surprises.  <You know the kind of surprises I like?  The ones involving M&M kissing.>

A:  Carmen!  (calls to the maid) Would you draw a bath and get Laurie’s room ready?  Go on Laurie.  Why don’t you go upstairs?

Michael looks at Laurie.

Mi:  It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.

Laurie’s aunt and uncle look at each other.  Laurie goes with Carmen.

A:  And what is it you want, Mr. ???

Mi:  Guerin, Michael Guerin.  <He says that like James Bond says, 'Bond.  James Bond.' >  Look, your daughter’s been …

A:  Niece.  She’s our niece, Mr. Guerin.

Mi:  Well, your niece has been through a pretty traumatic experience.  <Yeah, she’s given her lungs a pretty good workout too.>  Somebody kidnapped her, they buried her underground and we think that someone’s still after her. 

A:  Oh, well, that’s quite a story!  <You wanna hear another story?  Michael once kidnapped, no, abducted Maria, drove her through 285 South and then took her to a porno version of Aladdin motel.>

Ma: Why don’t Laurie’s hospital records list you as next of kin?  <Good catch there, Maria!>
U:  What hospital records?

Ma:  The Pinecrest Psychiatric Institute.  <Otherwise known as the place with a broken cellar window.>  Brownfield, Texas where Laurie’s been living for the past, I don’t know, what, 3 years?

U:  We haven’t seen our niece in years.

A:  So someone finally put her away, hmmm?  <Now that wasn’t a nice-relative thing to say.  Eh, maybe they also got tired of her screaming.>  Did the aliens chase her there too?  <How did they know about the aliens.  Hmmm.  Here’s a guess:  The relatives are actually aliens and  they’ve been waiting for Laurie’s return so they can feed her to the parasite.>  You know, aliens are chasing our family, Mr Guerin.  Don’t stay too long, they might get you too.  <That was a warning.  These two are up to no good, I think.>

Michael is outside the mansion, looking at the pool.

Mi:  I don’t like it.

Ma: What, the tile?  <Yeah, the tile seems a little off to me.  I think they should have gone with another color.  Who decorated this place anyway?>

Mi:  No, the fact that we haven’t seen Laurie in 3 hours.  <Hey, give the girl a break.  She was probably tired from all the lung exercises.  When Michael’s in protective mode, he really takes it seriously, doesn’t he?>

M&M see Laurie’s uncle accompanied by two bodyguards.

Ma:  This can’t be good.  <How do you know?  Maybe they’re just there to provide entertainment.>

U:  This is yours.  (hands him a paper bag)

Mi:  What’s this?  <Um, it’s a paper bag?  No, it is actually a sandwich in a paper bag.  Pastrami, no mayo.> 

Michael opens the paper bag and finds money inside.

U:  $50,000.  <Oh.  So you’re saying there’s no sandwich?>

Ma:  What?  <$50,000 … or how much money Bill Gates makes per second.>

U:  And that’s all you’re going to get.  You may look like our grandfather but we’ll fight any further paternity and inheritance claims every step of the way.  <Protective of the family fortune, isn’t he?  Doesn’t he know that Michael only wants family?  He doesn’t CARE about the money.>

Mi:  I’m not here about an inheritance claim.  <You tell ‘em, Michael.  Tell ‘em you want a sandwich instead.  And that you just want to protect Laurie because she’s family.  Oh, good Lord, I just thought of something.  Uncle Bobby and Aunt Mary are also Michael’s family.  Geez, I feel like I’ve been transported to the Dynasty days.>

Ma:  Wait, how big of an inheritance claim are you talking about?  <She’s kidding.  You know that, right?>

U: (to bodyguards)  Please escort Mr. Guerin and his friend off the property.

Mi:  Wait a minute, what about Laurie?  <Does she get a sandwich?>

U:  We’ll take care of Laurie.

Mi:  You don’t understand, there are people after her.  <Her sandwich too.>

U:  Oh, right … the aliens.  <The aliens want her sandwich???  Boy, it must really be a tasty  sandwich.>  We’ll keep a lookout for them.  <Just the way he says that makes me think that the uncle knows as helluva lot more as to what’s going on.>

Mi:  Wait, you can’t do this! 

The bodyguards grab M&M and start moving them along.  Note:  Michael is still holding the paper bag with the money.  <Wonder what he’s going to do with $50,000?> The uncle stares at the aunt who is upstairs on a balcony.  M&M are taken outside the gates and the gates are closed behind them.

Ma:  Now what?  <Can we get a sandwich?>

Mi:  I don’t know.  But I promised Laurie I’d protect her and that’s what I’m doing to do.  <Sandwich or no sandwich.>

The End (of M&M lines)






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