| To Serve and Protect Otherwise known as the episode with only 2 Michael lines in it |
| Notes: Roswell scripts are property of the WB, Jason Katims Productions and the rest of The Powers That Be. I don't own them so absolutely NO infringement or copyright violation is intended. I've made an effort to get the transcripts as accurate as I can but they may not be 100% accurate. I'm not posting all the scenes in the episode, just certain ones that I like. They are scenes primarily with Michael and/or Maria in them. My MS3TK-style commentary is in < >. Please do not archive these transcripts/commentaries anywhere else. Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 1/24/2001 Note: M = Maria, Mi = Michael, S = Sean, K = Kyle, L = Liz At the Crashdown: Liz finishes delivering an order to a customer and inadvertently blurts out "hold the Max" instead of "hold the mayo". Maria notices this error. M: Okay, what just happened? L: I need help. I am an obsessed person. <Heh, you and me both.> M: Okay, is this a general freak out or should I be concerned? <Hmmm, be concerned, be very concerned.> L: No, I have Max on my brain 24 hours a day. <So? I have M&M on brain 25 hours a day. Hah, beat that!> Okay, I dream about him, I think about him and now I am saying his frigging name without even realizing it. <And this is bad … HOW?> What am I gonna do? <Think upon the situation. Meditate on it. Then watch more Roswell and M&M.> M: You’re in love, that’s all. <Ah, is that what it is?> L: But it’s not getting me anywhere. <Speak for yourself, girlfriend. Obssessing about Roswell just gotten me, uh … well … it’s … hmmmm. Oh, I know. It’s gotten my poem published! There, see!> M: Okay, relax, relax, it’s not that bad, I promise. <Yeah. What she said.> L: Not that bad? Really? Why don’t you look at this? <Ah, my eyes, my eyes! Oh, it's just a picture of Max. Never mind..> Liz pulls out pictures of Max from her pockets. L: Obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession! <Candy, Candy, Candy, Candy.> M: Okay, okay, you’re a Maxaholic. <I’m a Candy-holic and proud of it!> I’m here, what can I do for you? <Isn’t it sweet how Maria is always there for Liz? ::grumbles about the one-sidedness of that relationship::> L: Get me a life. <You said it.> <> A face from Maria’s past walks in the cafe. It’s a blonde guy. Kinda cute looking too. M: Oh, you gotta be kidding me. <Look, everyone, it’s Brian! Brian from My So-Called Life!> When did you get out? <Uh, Maria, I think that series was cancelled a while ago so he’s been out of it for a while.> S: This morning. <Oh. Never mind.> M: You didn’t break out, did you? <Break out? Break out of what? Boredom? Oh, you mean prison? Juvie hall? Nah, not Brian!> S: Early release, good behavior. <Told ya!> M: That’s a first. You … you don’t think that you’re gonna stay with us, do you? <Yeah. Don’t you know there’s this nice spot in the alley at the back of Crashdown near the dumpster where you can crash? > S: Aunt Amy already gave me the ‘thumbs up’. <Aunt Amy’s been taking way too many lessons from Roger Ebert!> M: She is such a soft touch. <Yeah, that she is.> Sean looks at Liz. S: Hey, Liz. L: Hey, Sean. <My, what scintillating conversation.> S: (to Liz) All grown up. Like it. <Ooooh, the dreamers are not gonna be happy with that one.> S: (to Maria) I’ll see you at home. M: It’s not your home. <Guess that means he’s sleeping on the floor.> <> At the Crashdown: Sean is sitting down at one of the tables. M: In case I haven’t told you this, you dine and dash here, you die. <Ummm, okay, good to know that.> Sean pulls out some change and some rumpled dollar bills. M: Is there a tip in there? <How about this tip: "Never wear white before Labor Day." What, you never heard of that before?> S: Gimme the burger. <Yeah, give him the burger. Otherwise, he'll be staring at Liz like Max did and it will be Stare-fest revisited.> Maria sits down. M: How about a little talk, hmmm? <Please don’t mention the word relationship, please don’t mention the word relationship.> Alright, in our house, there are rules. <Oh, thank God, she didn’t say the dreaded ‘r’ word again.> And as strange and bizarre and unimaginable as it may seem, we live our lives by these very simple rules. <Those rules wouldn't happen to include wearing white before Labor Day, would they?> Rule 1: Toilet seat is left down. <Word. See toilet seat in upright postion. Grab one part of toilet seat. Bring that part down. How hard is this to do?> Rule 2: Underwear are not left on the floor. <Double word. Floors are meant for rugs, tiles and carpets only, not underwear.> Rule 3: Milk is poured into a glass, not directly consumed by the carton. <Should a clean glass be unavailable, there is always the option of washing a dirty glass and then pouring the milk into it.> Rule 4 ... S: There are a lot of these rules? <Oh, you had to ask!> M: Don’t worry, I will write them down for you. Assuming you can read. < I dove her. She just makes my day with these witty one-liners.> S: Of course. <Yes. I. Can. Read. Too.> M: Now pay attention. Rule 4 is very important. Leave Liz alone. <Yes. Don't you know staring is contagious? First you stare at her. Then she stares at you. Then everyone will stare at you both. Then you will still stare at each other. Then everyone will get bored staring at you so they'll stare at themselves. Then they'll get a headache trying and collapse. Then nothing will EVER get done.> S: Why, is she part of the house too? <No, but some people seem to think she’s part of the wallpaper nowadays.> M: I’m not kidding, Sean. She is way, way off limits. <Yeah. Way.> S: Way. <Hey! He said it too.> M: Look, I saw the way you looked at her. (mimics Sean’s voice) ‘All grown up, Like it.’ No! It’s not gonna happen. (gives him that Deluca glare) <I DOVE HER!> S: Okay. <That's it? Okay? No big arguments? Brian, I mean, Sean, you're disappointing me here. But that's okay because you're cute.> M: She’s in a very delicate and fragile place in her life right now. <Yeah, she’s giving condiments names like Max. Pretty soon she’ll be calling burgers by the name of Stanley.> L: (in the background, in a frustrated and angry voice) Dammit, Eddie, where’s my order? <Whoa! First she says 'friggin', now she says 'dammit'! What next? Will she say crap? Tune in tomorrow for another episode of 'When Liz Swears..'.> M: I’m serious. <Obviously so is Liz about that order.> S: I heard you, alright? Leave her alone. <Okay, he may leave HER alone but what about Liz leaving HIM alone? > I get it. What do you want from me? <An oath written in blood?> M: I’ll give you the list by the end of the day. <And no, the list will not have pictures or diagrams on it. You can just read the words.> <> At the Crashdown: K: (to Liz) Tess is openly mocking me now. This morning I woke up with little antennae coming out of my head. <Awwww, he probably looked cute with the little bobbing things on his head. Damn, and I missed this?> Sean walks in the café. S: Yo, M! <Excuse me, did he say ‘Yo’? Um, shades of Rath much? You know Maria’s not going to let that one slide.> M: M? No, see, in the real world, we use names. My name is Maria. <And what a dovely name it is.> K: (to Liz) Who’s that? <Look up in the sky! It's a bird ... no wait, we're not looking at the sky, we're looking at a guy inside the cafe.> MICHAEL LINE #1: Maria’s loser cousin, Sean. <Cue dramatic sigh: What nuance! What delivery! This line just speaks to me, you know? > S: Can I get some fries, tough guy? <Wait for it.> MICHAEL LINE #2: No. <Give the boy an Emmy! I mean, didn’t he just capture your heart when he said that? > M: Sorry, we’re closed. <Does this mean no more Michael lines?> K: (to Liz) Anyhoo, the point is … I’m just saying, it’s gonna be okay. I mean, we’re both obsessed people but we’ll get through it. <Speak for yourself, I don’t wanna get over my Roswell and M&M obsession.> At least we have each other. <Whoa, where did that come from? The Loyalists must be swooning at this line.> Liz ignores Kyle and goes over to Sean. L: You know, um, I think the fryer’s still warm. I could whip you up some fries. <Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever.> Maria looks at Liz incredulously. S: (to Liz) No, forget it. I’ll grab something at home. <Wonder what it is he’ll be grabbing? > M: It’s not your home! Stop calling it that. <Why, do you want him to call it something else? Like Max, maybe? > You’re just passing through. <*sigh* Another transitory Roswell character?> Sean leaves. M: You’re not actually thinking … <Actually thinking. Hmmm, now there's a thought.> L: No, of course not. <Oh, sure … Liz.> M: All I try to do is help. Does anyone listen? <Unfortunately, not all the time. Stupid people. They should listen to her more often.> L: (to Kyle) I’m sorry, what were you saying? <Ummm, he wasn’t saying anything because you just brushed him off and went all googly-eyed at Sean.> K: (to Liz) Nothing. I was just talking to myself. <He does that a lot these days.> K: (to Maria) Hey, you got any cousins for me? <How about one for me?> HOME ROSWELL TRANSCRIPTS ROSWELL |