| MY DIARY |
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| 16/01/03 My GP can be a right pain sometimes, yeah I shouldn't say that about her but she can be and if I were able to really get angry with her I'd total kick up but I've never been able to really lash out even when I need to so badly. I wish I could have massive rages because maybe then I'd feel better afterwards having let it all out. I believe we send off bad vibes which is why we don't make friends. I mean when I started my new uni no-one wanted to really talk to me and it's shit cos in my subject group there are 5 of us and I'm the odd one out cos the other's pair off. I hate it. I'm so so convinced I send off bad vibes, don't be friends with me I'm a nutter and I'll ruin your lives forever. At my first uni it was ok to start with and then some idiot spread rumours about me. It's hard for me too cos although I was born in Scotland and I have the accent I am of chinese origin so I get all the prejudice. I don't think life is fair to anyone, even those high earning celebs -they might have the money but loads of them go through the shit we experience too - wish they'd give more of their money to helping us poor sods going through the same thing though. If I were rich I'd give loads of money to helping others cos I don't want others to suffer like I am and not having anywhere to turn in an emergency. I don't want to OD or whatever to make people listen and to gain attention if I wanted to do that I'd just throw a major tantrum and if I want to I can do that as my parents can tell you. I want to do it cos I'm truly had enough of this shit and I just can't hack it anymore and it's just gotten to the point where I can't handle being here anymore and can't fight anymore. I've spend the last 10 years battling against thoughts of suicide and battling against all the prejudice, and evil in this world and it's just taken it's toll on me. I'm realising now that this is serious, it's no more of the just harm myself shit it's it's over now. Last time I ODed I fell out the bed in hosp and was unconscious, when I came round some bastard was pinching me and I was just wanting to say fuck off you idiot leave me alone. Some of the nurses were okay but they just thought oh I'll be ok just send her home and they gave me back my meds that my friend handed in so they knew what I'd taken. Idiots they are. None of them have a scooby about what it's like, well apart from the ones who went into the profession because they had suffered and wanted to try do their bit. All they do it patch you up and chuck you back out again and then you end up back there again, why can't they put in place some proper support networks so that the act is stopped before it happens? I for one would ask for help when I realised I was slipping if I had someone to go to for help but I don't, well not anyone who will actually get back to me in time or be there when I need the help and even in Aberdeen the emergency CPN is only on from 8pm til 6am (and one of them is a right bitch, her answer to all problems is "have a bath and a cuppa tea"). I've had it up to here with them all, I think I'll go emigrate to the states - at least it's warmer there. |