Fan Fiction
TITLE: Two by TwoAUTHOR: Brenda Shaffer-Shiring
RATING: G
CODES: P/T, J/C? (J/P, C/T)
THANKS TO: Diane Bellomo, a splendidly feedback-y beta who was "in the zone" with her perceptive comments on this story. Kathy Speck, for introducing me to the *wonderful* "Desk Set" -- a movie not only completely appropriate to this story, but also one of Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn's most delightful comedies. Jim Wright of "Delta Blues Voyager Reviews," (http://www.reviewboy.com) for saving me endless hours of searching through tapes to find episode information.
SUMMARY: Paris and Torres try to match up a surprisingly resistant Janeway and Chakotay.
A PLOT IS HATCHED
It's a commonly known fact amongst humans and humanoids, that few people are as avid at matchmaking as people who are themselves already matched up. Some say that it's because lovers want to share their good fortune with their friends and associates. Others, more cynical, suggest that it's because misery loves company.
Be that as it may, Voyager's best-known (and indeed, only) couple, Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres, were no exception to that longstanding rule. Thus it was that, one day, they sat in B'Elanna's cabin, plotting to pair up a certain other couple. "If nothing else," B'Elanna said, "it'll give Seven someone else to follow around the next time she wants to study human relationships."
"About time, too," Tom agreed. "Who would've thought that after all these years you and I would be the only couple on the ship, anyway? Are you *sure* no one's programming saltpeter into the replicated food?"
"For the 47th time," B'Elanna sighed, "I'm sure. We never did check into the chemical composition of leola root, though...."
After giving that subject all the consideration it was due, they went back to their matchmaking. "You know she's always been sweet on him," Tom noted. "And she deserves to have a good guy. You know, someone who can appreciate her."
"I don't know about how she feels," his lover answered skeptically, "but I know he's always been sweet on her. And he really needs to have someone who understands him."
"So how do we get them together?"
Since the lady in question was a longtime family friend of Tom's, and the gentleman was a longtime friend of B'Elanna's, an obvious solution quickly offered itself.
"Double date with them," B'Elanna said.
* * * * *
A PLOT IS RECOGNIZED
Unfortunately for the amorous plans of Tom and B'Elanna, no one is quite so suspicious of would-be matchmakers as a couple who's already been repeatedly matchmade. In the time since they'd first met up on Voyager, Kathryn and Chakotay had been paired by everybody from (if various apocryphal tales are to be believed) Kim to Q to Mary Sue. Thus, when they discovered Tom and B'Elanna had invited them both to watch the same movie on the holodeck, they knew exactly which game was afoot.
"Not again," Kathryn muttered, cradling her head in her hands.
"Again," her first officer answered, more philosophically (not that it took much to be more philosophical than Kathryn on this particular point). "Well, they mean well."
"I know," Kathryn sighed. "I know. But I'm getting so tired of these mating games, Chakotay. What is it going to take to convince them that we're just good friends?"
"It would probably be simpler to let everybody think we've succumbed," Chakotay said wryly. "You do have a nice big cabin. We could probably both live there and never even have to *see* each other."
She snorted. "Angling for larger quarters, Commander?"
He shrugged. "Well, we're going to have to come up with *something*, Kathryn."
She thought about it. "Maybe we should let them try."
He blinked, a lovely flutter of long black lashes which, if she'd really been interested in having a romantic relationship with him, would surely have been enough to do the trick without any machinations of would-be Cupids. "I'm not sure I follow you."
"Maybe we should let them go ahead and try to get us together, and let them see right up front that it's not going to work."
"You mean, go ahead and go on this date they're setting up?"
"That's exactly what I mean. And let them see us there, just being friends, and not being interested in one another. They're both part of the senior staff; they ought to know us pretty well by now. Hell, B'Elanna's your best friend. If we can make the two of them believe that we're really not interested, maybe they can convince the rest of the crew."
After a moment's consideration, he smiled. "That sounds like it has possibilities."
"Think of it, Chakotay. Peace at last."
"Peace?" He snickered. "Who wants peace? Maybe I can finally get a date! Do you know how hard it is to get anyone on this ship to go out with you when everybody thinks you're the captain's man?"
* * * * *
DATE # 1: A NIGHT AT THE MOVIES
Kathryn and Chakotay opened the doors to the holodeck, and stepped into a chamber that belonged to another time. Long, wide, and sloped at a slight downhill grade, the room was almost the size of an American football field, its full length filled by rows of interlinked seats. The ceiling, perhaps seven meters high, was festooned with rococo garnishes that glowed faintly gold in the dim light provided by oddly torchlike lamps along the matching walls. A huge screen filled the front wall, two-dimensional images flickering on it in improbably bright colors.
"What in the galaxy?" Kathryn muttered. Chakotay shrugged his ignorance.
About halfway to the front of the room, two seats were occupied, one bright head and one dark tilted cozily toward each other. No points for guessing who the owners of those heads were, Kathryn thought. Suspecting she and Chakotay were meant to take up an equally cozy pose somewhere else amidst all the available seats, she crooked a finger at her male companion and started toward the exact location where Tom and B'Elanna were sitting. Circling thumb and forefinger in the Federation-wide sign for "okay," Chakotay smiled and started threading his way through one of the rows of seats, so that he could approach their target from the other side. A few moments later, Kathryn dropped into the chair on Tom's left, and Chakotay into the one at B'Elanna's right. Chakotay grinned. "Hi, guys."
Tom and B'Elanna looked to be doing only a fair-to-middlin' job of suppressing frustration. "Hi, Chakotay," B'Elanna said finally.
"Captain," Tom said.
"Hello, Tom and B'Elanna," Kathryn answered, in a manner she knew to be far too cordial. "Thanks for inviting us. What is this place, anyhow?"
Tom glanced away for a moment, a tiny sigh escaping him, before answering. "A 20th-century movie theater. It's a program I've been working on for a while. I still want to tweak some of the details, but I figured it would be good enough for the four of us to watch an old 2-D movie."
She looked around, taking in the wealth of ornamentation. "Very detailed." //In a throne-room-meets-whorehouse kind of way,// she didn't add.
Tom obviously took what she had said for praise, as she'd intended. His smile (a very nice one, to be sure; the same one he'd often employed on his attempts to charm his way out of trouble) flickered to life. "Thanks, Captain. Glad you like it."
"So what's playing?" Her eyes flicked toward the screen, where a distracted-looking white-haired man in an overcoat had entered what appeared to be an old-style office. He was currently in the process of flustering its inhabitants, a couple of pretty young girls and a solid-looking blonde of somewhat riper years.
Tom turned his attention to the screen, as well. "'Desk Set.'"
"'Desk Set'?" The name meant nothing to Kathryn.
"'Desk Set.' 1957. Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn. That's Spencer Tracy right there." He pointed to the distracted-looking man.
"Is that Katharine Hepburn, then?" She gestured toward the blonde, who didn't look much like a leading lady, but appeared to be the man's closest age-contemporary.
"No, that's Joan Blondell. Great character actress. Plays a lot of best friends."
"Well, which one is Katharine Hepburn, then?"
"She's not on the screen yet."
"Oh." After a moment, she formed another question. "So what's this movie about?"
"Oh. Um," and Tom looked like a little boy who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Um, it's about the beginning of the age of automation."
"Really." Kathryn let her skepticism show in her face. Between the distracted-looked man, the pretty girls, and the fact that the second lead was a woman, it looked rather more to her as if it were a romantic comedy -- the movie category of choice for would-be matchmakers.
"Really." Tom glanced toward B'Elanna, as if seeking rescue, but B'Elanna was deeply enmeshed in some sort of discussion with Chakotay, neither of them looking toward the screen at all. Luckily for him, he was saved by a belle. "Hey, look. That's Katharine Hepburn right there." A tall, slender woman in a voluminous dark-green overcoat strode onto the screen, and Kathryn gasped with surprise. Apart from height, Katharine the actress had more than a passing resemblance to Kathryn the captain. She even wore her auburn hair in a bun, as the captain had been wont to do not so very long ago. The captain turned to look at Tom, intending to chide him for his lack of subtlety (really -- a romantic comedy with Kathryn herself as the lead? Please!), when the expression on the young pilot's face stopped her.
It might have been no more than gratitude for the timely distraction she'd provided, but Tom was regarding the woman on the screen with what looked very much like admiration -- an impression confirmed when his lips pursed in a silent but obvious wolf-whistle.
Tom thought a woman who looked like that was beautiful? That was an...interesting insight.
Meanwhile, Chakotay and B'Elanna had gotten up from their seats and headed toward the back of the theater. Glancing behind her, Kathryn saw them call up an arch and, side-by-side, begin programming commands into the computer. B'Elanna murmured something, and Chakotay chuckled, low, his dark head close to hers in the soft light.
* * * * *
INTERLUDE #1
"That could have gone better," B'Elanna said.
"Oh, I don't know," said Tom, looking back at the evening's events. "I didn't think it went too bad."
"Yeah, I noticed *you and the captain* seemed to have a nice time watching the movie."
Tom flushed, a change of complexion impossible to hide on the fair skin. "So she liked Tracy and Hepburn. How's that a bad thing? Anyway, *I'm* not the one who dragged one of them away from the screen."
"He was hungry," Torres said defensively. "When I told him you had a concession booth in the design specs, he wanted to implement it right away. Besides," a parting shot, "I didn't see either of you turning down the popcorn and candy when we brought it back."
Tom raised a hand. "All right, all right. But next time we try this, let's try to keep the two of them together the whole time, okay? If we can't keep them together, we're not going to get them together, capiche?"
"Whatever. What the hell does 'capiche' mean, anyway?"
* * * * *
DATE #2: ON THE WATERFRONT
As usual, Tom had done a beautiful job of holoprogramming. Even though Kathryn knew the beach she walked wasn't real, her senses had a hard time contesting the hoax. Sunlight beat down warmly on her bare arms, and heated the white sand beneath her toes, even as it made the blue expanse of water shimmer in bright invitation. She inhaled deeply, scenting sea and salt.
Beside her, Chakotay whistled softly. "Nice." She glanced at him, taking in his smile and the absurdly baggy flowered trunks, as bright and ugly as any of the Hawaiian shirts Tom had ever worn to a shipboard luau. "I thought we'd just end up in the beach resort, but this looks like a whole new program. Very pretty. I have to say, if they want to get us together, they're certainly pulling out all the stops."
"Oh, they want to get us together, all right. Or do you really think it's a coincidence that they invited us someplace where we wouldn't be wearing a lot of clothing? Oh, there they are." She pointed to the other couple, not far down the beach, and Chakotay let out another appreciative whistle.
In sharp contrast to Chakotay's trunks and Kathryn's demure black maillot, Tom's and B'Elanna's suits were intended to allure: his trunks were bright, tight blue, her one-piece suit high-legged, low-necked, and flaming red. Even from this remove, Kathryn could see the disappointment on the two's faces; clearly they'd wanted Chakotay and Kathryn to take the opportunity to display themselves to each other. //Nice try, kids.// Meanwhile, she did have a view to appreciate (//thanks, Tom!//), so she did.
"Well," said Tom, obviously trying to put a good face on things, "you two certainly look, ah, ready to swim." He winced just the tiniest bit as he glanced at Chakotay's garish trunks, and the big man grinned.
"We've been looking forward to it all day," Kathryn lied warmly, enjoying Tom's discomfort. "Have you tried the water yet?"
"We were waiting for you." Tom made an ushering-along gesture in the direction of the water. "Shall we?" After some spreading of towels, they followed his direction.
The spume that washed up around Kathryn's toes was the tiniest bit cool, and she couldn't refrain from a frown. If this was cool, even in the sunshine, then the water itself was going to be downright cold. Refreshing, but still.... "Something wrong?" Tom asked.
"I suppose not really," she murmured. "I just hate to go into cold water an inch at a time."
"Oh, is that all?" Tom smiled. "Computer, relocate the four of us about twenty meters in that direction." He pointed into the lake. All of a sudden they were bobbing in crystalline fluid--
And B'Elanna screamed "No!", exploding into a frenzy of thrashing as she began to sink. Tom grabbed for her instinctively, only to be dragged down himself as she locked on to him in a panic-strong grip. Kathryn, caught by surprise, took a faceful of water as she tried to backstroke out of the way -- and heard Chakotay, who'd managed to swim to a good three meters behind her, bark, "Computer! Eliminate water! *Now*!"
That suddenly, they were standing on the uneven bottom of a dry lake bed. B'Elanna gasped, oriented herself -- and shoved a still-dazed Paris away from her with her full strength. He tumbled to the sandy ground. "Tom," she gasped, glaring down at him. "You idiot! I can't swim!"
Tom was clearly and genuinely shocked. "Why didn't you *tell* me that? You knew we were going swimming!"
"I thought we were just going to splash around, like we usually do!" she snarled. "How the *hell* was I supposed to know you were going to drop us in the middle of a lake?"
"B'Elanna, I'm--"
In the interests of saving her helm officer from possible bodily injury, Kathryn interposed herself between him and his lover in what she hoped was a subtle fashion. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna. I was just telling Tom how I hated to inch into cold water. He was only trying to help me out."
B'Elanna snorted and stalked away, heading for what had previously been the shoreline. Chakotay followed her. While Kathryn couldn't make out all the words, his voice sounded soothing and sympathetic.
Kathryn helped Tom to his feet. "Are you all right?"
"I'll live." He drew in a deep, grateful breath. "Maybe I should go after her."
Kathryn caught his arm. "I think you might be better off staying here for now, Tom. Just let Chakotay calm her down."
Tom offered his captain a crooked smile. "Okay. After all that--" he made an indefinite gesture in the other pair's general direction-- "I guess we may as well restore the water and get some swimming in."
They did just that. Like Kathryn, Tom was an excellent swimmer, and they enjoyed themselves, taking turns at besting one another in impromptu races. After a while, Kathryn glanced toward the shore and saw that Chakotay had, indeed, succeeded in calming B'Elanna. The two of them were splashing each other in the surf, water gleaming off matched brown bodies as they laughed.
* * * * *
INTERLUDE #2
"I don't think this is a good idea," B'Elanna murmured, not meeting her lover's eyes. "I think maybe we should let the whole thing go. Quit trying to match them up."
"I think maybe we should give it one more try," Tom answered, though he was feeling more than a little uncertain himself. "If this one doesn't work--"
"Then we let it go. Please, Tom."
"....okay, B'Elanna. Then we let it go."
* * * * *
DATE #3: DANCE HALL DAZE
Kathryn smoothed the short, sleek skirt of her silver-gray dress before she and Chakotay stepped through the holodeck doors. Though she'd "dressed down" for their previous "dates," she'd had no desire to do so this time; she rarely had the opportunity to dance, and still had enough vanity to want to look beautiful for the occasion. Slim silver twists dangled from her ears, revealed by hair upswept into a loose bun. Like her, Chakotay seemed to have been prompted by a desire to look good; he wore well-fitted black trousers and a collarless, button-down black shirt that suited him admirably.
Once they were inside, it took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the half-illumination that glittering lights provided the dimmed room. Then she saw Tom and B'Elanna rising from one of the small tables that surrounded the parquet dance floor; he was elegant in dark trousers and a shirt that gleamed faintly blue in the low light, she lovely in a short-skirted halter-dress of radiant white.
Tom sketched a bow, smiling a little as he returned Kathryn's look. "Glad you two could make it. Shall we dance?"
"Well, about that..." Chakotay began, but the music was up, male falsetto soaring out over a strong downbeat.
Listen to the ground, there is music all around
There is somethin' goin' down and I can feel it
On the waves of the air there is dancin' out there
If it's somethin' we can share we can steal it
And that sweet city woman, she moves through the light
Controlling my mind and my soul
When you reach out to me, yeah, and the feelin' is bright
Then I get night fever, night fever
We know how to do it...
Tom had swung into dance effortlessly, slim hips swaying and muscular shoulders moving in counterpoint; B'Elanna's moves were just as skilled. After a little observation and a few tentative moves, Kathryn was in step. Chakotay...Chakotay flailed a little, helplessly, obviously unable to find, rent or borrow a clue as to what he should do. He finally settled for a sort of awkward, vaguely-rhythmic shuffle, looking embarrassed as hell.
With a mildly but fondly exasperated look, B'Elanna took his hand and pulled him to the side of the dance floor, guiding him through some easy steps with example and murmured instruction. Tom looked briefly after her, for some reason a little panicked. Then he shook his head, smile returning to his lips as he reached for Kathryn's hand, and they danced, easily, naturally, perfectly paired.
That number ended, and another began.
Clean shirt, new shoes, I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl's crazy for a sharp-dressed man
By watching Tom, Kathryn picked up the style of movement fairly quickly, chuckling a little for the aptness of the lyrics. Meanwhile, Chakotay and B'Elanna had retired from the dance floor, and were sitting at a table, smiling at one another over colorful drinks.
More songs in the same style followed, and Kathryn danced them all, opposite a marvellously graceful partner whose warm blue eyes seemed to grow increasingly appreciative as they watched her. Then the tempo of the music changed, and her heartbeat quickened as even as the music slowed.
Oh, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time
Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much....
Tom reached for her, and she moved into his arms without hesitation, resting her head on his muscular chest. From the corner of her eye, she saw Chakotay and B'Elanna move to the dance floor, swaying in the kind of dance even a man who can't dance can manage perfectly well.
The singer's smooth, powerful baritone rendered the song's simple lyrics compelling, and when his last few lines crashed over the four dancers in a wave of sound
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me
nothing in the galaxy seemed more natural than for Kathryn to tilt her head up for her partner's kiss. She might have feared an objection from B'Elanna, but the other woman had tilted her head up likewise, and was kissing a more than willing Chakotay.
* * * * *
"DATE" #4: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
A few months later, Kathryn and Tom shared a special event with Chakotay and B'Elanna for one last time, as a faintly bemused-looking Tuvok presided over the starship Voyager's first-ever double wedding ceremony. The two couples said their vows in succession, then adjourned to a reception the likes of which had probably never been seen on a Starfleet vessel before -- nor, Neelix assured anyone who would listen, in the entire Delta Quadrant.
As he was dancing with his new bride, Tom looked across the room and saw his best man awkwardly chatting up an aloof-looking Seven of Nine. "You know," he said, "Harry and Seven make an awfully good-looking couple. Maybe we should try to get them togeth-"
"Don't even *think* about it, Mister!" Kathryn Janeway admonished, but softened the order with a kiss.
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault....
END
SONG CREDITS: (For "Date #3: Dance Hall Daze") "Night Fever," sung by the Bee Gees; "Sharp Dressed Man," sung by ZZ Top; and "Unchained Melody," sung by the Righteous Brothers. (For epigraph) "Head Over Feet," sung by Alanis Morrisette. Yes, I majored in "eclectic" at college....
