The snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling~
Nick paced around the front room of the cabin, his attention moving back and forth between the fire blazing in the hearth and the shimmery white flakes falling outside the window, joining the silver expanse already on the ground, glowing in the moonlight.
"I can't take it anymore, Nick. I can't handle being the last thing on your mind- after your job.. your friends.. those damn dogs.. Since I'm obviously the least of your concerns.. you won't miss me when I'm gone."
He put his hands over his ears, wishing he could make it stop. Her voice echoed in his mind, telling him over and over she was leaving. He didn't know what he was supposed to do without her, she was his stability, the one thing that he could always count on. And now it was over. She hadn't looked back when she's slammed the car door and driven away, almost two months ago. He'd called everyone he could think of, to try to find her, talk to her.. but no one seemed to know where she'd gone.
He'd gotten used to the ache in his heart, the feeling of loneliness.. but he could barely remember how to function without her. Marrying her had been the best decision he'd ever made, and then he'd let it fall apart. He knew it was his fault, not taking the responsibilities he should have, not being there when he knew he needed to be.
He grabbed a pillow off the couch and lay down on the rug in front of the fire place, drifting off into a whirlwind of memories. Their first date... she's invited him to her house, and made the most incredible homemade pizza... when he proposed..her happily tearfilled shriek of "Yes!!"... their wedding day.. he'd never seen anything so beautiful... and when she told him she was pregnant...
~The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
The words of love you sent me~
She'd been so excited to tell him, she'd wanted a baby so badly. He'd been so happy for her.. and to have helped her have something so important to her. He remember staying up the whole night after she told him, talking about it. She'd been sure they'd have a girl.. and she wanted to name her Zoe.
Nick got up to get a drink and realized he'd already finished it off. He went to the cabinet to refill his glass, passing a picture of her sitting on the table. He poured the drink and picked up the picture, walking back to the couch and sitting down, looking at the picture of her. She was so beautiful- her long dark hair, sweet smile... he sighed, "You looked even more beautiful when you were pregnant.. all happy and glowy.. that was the coolest time in my life.. getting ready for her with you..." He put the picture down and went to the desk, opened the drawer full of papers and pulled out a letter on light pink paper. He read the words again, her perfect handwriting skimming across the pages- listing all the hopes she'd held for the two of them, for Zoe, for their family...
He picked up the picture again, and could see his own distraught reflection in the glass. "I know I should have been there when she was born... I never told you that I started to be.. when you called me in the studio and told me you were going to the hospital.. I told the guys... Brian helped me pack up and Kevin found me a flight... I got on the plane to come home.. when your sister called and said that she was stillborn.. I freaked out.. I got off the plane.. told her I was too busy to come back and hung up. I couldn't deal with it.. I didn't know how to handle what I felt.. and I had no idea what to do to make things better for you.. so I just avoided it all. By the time I came back.. I guess you knew I wasn't going to help any... but I felt it.. how different things were after that..." Little tears trailed down his cheeks and he set the picture down again. She'd told him before that he needed to grow up.. learn to deal with things that neither one of them could make go away. He knew she was right, and he'd tried to some degree to try to change his methods of trying to ignore problems until they went away. She'd made him want to be as good for her and to her as he possibly could be, but knew he hadn't tried hard enough.
~If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you~
A few hours later, Nick awoke from a light sleep he'd fallen into thinking of all the things he wanted to do differently. He heard a soft knocking on the door and immediately dashed to open it. Very few people knew where the cabin was, he knew it would be someone he wanted to see. He flung the door open to see her standing there, bundled up in her hiking jacket, long hair plaited into two braids falling down her back, cheeks reddened from the chill in the air. "Kelsey, come in..." He stepped out of her way, shocked to see her. His heart was pounding- she'd come back to him, maybe she'd give him another chance.
She walked into the room, unzipping her coat and looking around. She was surprised how good everything still looked. Her sister had told her that Nick had come up here about a month after she left, she figured the place would have been a mess by now. "Why did you come up here? You hate snow."
"Now I hate the beach." he replied, that ache in his heart intensifying just from being in the same room with her and not knowing whether or not he'd be able to have her with him again.
"Why?" Kelsey asked, rubbing her hands together to warm them up.
"It reminds me of you."
"But I asked you to buy this place... why are you here then?"
"Because it reminds me of you." he replied.
Kelsey looked at the floor. She'd known that seeing him again was going to be difficult, but he was making this even harder than she'd expected. She reached into her purse, pulling out the over-stuffed envelope. If she got this over with quick, she could just leave and spare them both the pain. She took the papers out of the envelope and handed them to Nick. "You need to sign those.. where the red X's are."
Nick looked at the stapled stack of papers, the top one reading "Petition for Divorce" in bold letters across the top. He flipped through the pages, Kelsey's fancy signature already on each page. He just glanced through most of the impressive sounding legal wording that he didn't understand anyway, but stopped on the section about alimony and child support. He wouldn't hesitate to give her anything she asked for, but was hoping he'd rather be able to talk her into staying.
"The petitioner, Kelsey Ann Carter, is pregnant by the respondent, Nickolas Gene Carter, at the time of the petition for divorce, but has declined to request financial support for herself or the child from the respondent."
Nick looked up from the paper, wide-eyed. "You're pregnant?"
Kelsey nodded and looked away from him.
"Kel..di.. th.. " Nick couldn't get the words out, he was so surprised. He took a deep breath, "Did you know when you left?"
She nodded again, still unable to make eye contact with him.
"I can't do this, Kelsey. I can't sign this thing.. especially now."
"Nick, I have to get out of this. It's over...and I can't stay."
"Let me try again, Kel. I'll do anything you need me to.. be anywhere.. please. C'mon.. we have the best reason in the world to give this another shot... I want to know my kid.. not be fighting over when I get to see him or her.."
"We aren't doing this again. It's over Nickolas, I'm sorry."
"Anything.. I swear.. just name it and I'll do it. I can't lose you.. lose the baby... I can't do this..." Nick plead, feeling tears springing up to his eyes again.
"No. You had your chances. I don't want this either... I love you... and I always will.. but I can't live like this. And I can't take you not being there when I need you the most." Kelsey answered.
"I'll change, Kelsey.. be there all the time..every second.."
"No you won't. Just sign it." she said.
Nick knew he wasn't going to win. When she decided something, there was no changing her mind. He took a pen from the desk drawer and began signing the sheets, his usually illegible signature looking worse than ever from the way his hands were shaking. When he finally finished he handed them back to her, practically feeling his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces.
"Thank you." She kissed him on the cheek and zipped her jacket again. "I love you, Nick. Never think that I don't or didn't. Good-bye." She walked quickly out the door and down the steps.
He stood in the doorway, and watched her drive away again.
~The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are lifting
The mornin' light steals across my window pane
Where webs of snow are drifting~
Nick watched as the darkness began to fade and the sun rose, spilling light across the snow outside. He hated knowing that every day for the rest of his life, he was going to have to go around knowing that his ex-wife and child were somewhere out there... and he wasn't a part of their lives. He wondered what Kelsey would tell him or her about their dad when they asked... or maybe if she'd let him have visitation sometimes. If she honestly still loved him.. maybe they could at least spend some time together as the family they should have been.
He got up to get another drink, and noticed a new picture on the table where the one of Kelsey had been, it was a new picture- of them together, from right around the time they'd gotten engaged, with a note from Kelsey attached to the frame. "You're always in my heart- it doesn't matter if we're together or not. I love you forever. Kelsey" She must have put it there while he was signing the papers.
He picked the glass that he was about to refill up and threw it against the wall, watching it shatter. He took the picture and went to lay back on the couch, holding the picture to his chest, dreaming of the things that should have been.
~If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
And to be once again with you
To be once again with you~
(~ "Song for a Winter's Night", Sarah McLachlan)
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