|
|
|
The Area and the X-Files
The power of The Area is investigated by Mulder and Scully in this hilarious episode written by HMFEELYAT from livejournal.com. Original entry found here and the 2nd entry here.
Thanks for letting us post this to our site!
Part One
(Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are chasing a
monstrous, shadowy figure through an abandoned warehouse. They drive
the “thing” around a corner and into a huge pile of
empty boxes. The creature falls, and Mulder dives onto it. Out of
breath, he turns to Scully.)
Mulder: NOW do you believe me?
Scully: No, Mulder.
Mulder: And why not?
Scully: Because your monster
appears to have a zipper in the back of his head. (she shines her
flashlight on comically large metal zipper at the base of the
monster’s neck)
(Mulder looks back to his
monster and sees it.)
Mulder: …That could
be a spine protrusion.
Scully: No it
couldn’t!
(Scully pushes Mulder aside and
unzips the “monster’s” head. She peels
the mask off only to reveal a small, bug-eyed man who seems far more
frightened than they are.)
Scully: See? It’s
just Don Knotts.
(She and Mulder help poor Don
Knotts up and dust him off.)
Scully: Now scoot, you.
You’ve got no business being in an abandoned warehouse.
Don: But all I wanted to do was
scare off snooping kids like you!
Mulder: Um, Scully?
Scully: Not now, Mulder. (she
turns back to Don Knotts) Nobody likes a guy who keeps an old warehouse
all to himself, and you certainly don’t solve a problem by
dressing up as a monster. I hope you learned a lesson today.
Mulder: SCULLY…
Scully: What?
Mulder: Don Knotts died a few
months ago.
(They both look to Don Knotts
in terror. The weird little man is now flashing them a creepy grin)
Don Knotts: Try pulling THIS
mask off, bitches! Oh, SNAP! (he suddenly turns into a disgusting,
8-eyed beast a la Large Marge, and disappears into thin air. Scully is
dumbfounded)
Mulder: Did Don Knotts just
call me a bitch?
Scully:
I…he…where’d he go? What did he
just…?
Mulder: You going to faint here
or in the car?
Scully: That’s
impossible—he got…got big and--and just vanished.
I—but…
Mulder: That’s
because he’s a ghost, Scully. You have just seen a ghost.
Scully: But…but how
on earth—No. No, he had a special effects crew behind him.
Yes. And…and um. Um…a fully functioning
claymation studio…(she turns very pale)
Mulder: Listen to me, Dana. The
ghost of a nervous little comedian just “oh snap”ed
at you. If you need more proof than that to believe, I’d be
happy to shoot myself, die, come back as a glowing ball of ectoplasm,
root through your underwear drawer, and start flinging lingerie at your
head.
(Mulder pauses for a moment and
fantasizes about the proposed foray into Scully’s underwear
drawer. Scully faints.)
Mulder: Yeah, my bet was on
“here”, too.
(A week later, both agents are
in Mulder’s basement office. Mulder is sitting at his desk,
looking at pictures. Scully is standing over him, studying the pictures
over his shoulder.)
Mulder: So, Scully, wanna go
for this week’s X File?
Scully: You know, I would, but
I’m still trying to figure out what to write in my report for
last week’s…
Mulder: You could always chock
Barney Fife up to swamp gas, just like every other report…
Scully: That’s not
every report! That’s just half of them.
Mulder: (In the best falsetto
girl voice he can muster) “Agent Mulder and I encountered
some swamp gas in an abandoned factory last week. Mulder offered to
inspect my underwear drawer, and I totally let
him…”
Scully: (scowls) You know, you
keep pushing that idea. And I keep shooting it down. Shall we explore
why together? (She looks back to the pictures that she and Mulder have
been studying) So, why again are we looking at pictures of David
Bowie? …More specifically, pictures of him in
tight pants?
Mulder: That’s the
next case, Dear Scully.
(Scully rubs the bridge of her
nose and sighs)
Mulder: You, uh, need some
aleve there, Scully?
Part
2
Well. Why WERE they looking at David Bowie tight
pants pictures?
*In our last episode,
Mulder had started studying pictures of David Bowie. Scully joined in,
and questioned it. Let's see how the rest unfolds!*
(Agents Mulder and
Scully are in Mulder's office, looking at various photographs of one
Mr. Ziggy Stardust.)
Mulder:
You’ve seen “Labyrinth”, yes?
Scully:
I have.
Mulder:
I’ve been keeping tabs on stories from cities all over the
world. It seems that whenever David Bowie appears on camera in those
Goblin King tights, strange things happen.
Scully:
What kind of strange things?
Mulder:
Clocks stopping, babies ceasing to cry, electricity shutting off,
amputees growing new limbs, low-income ramen and spam dinners turning
into fine Tuscan pasta dishes, meteor showers… the list goes
on. It doesn’t stop with his movies, either. Last year at one
of his concerts in England, the entire audience caught
fire—but nobody had a burn on their body. After putting them
out, firemen stated that every single member of the audience had turned
inexplicably SEXY.
Scully:
So, where’s that aleve?
Mulder:
And Scully, really, has that guy aged ONCE since the 70s?
Scully:
Assuming. ASSUMING…that these stories are credible in any
way, then why hasn’t this stuff been happening since his
debut? Why didn’t, say, his first album, his first concert,
spark strange events?
Mulder:
They did, but they happened very infrequently. Bowie’s powers
seem to mirror that of global warming. Suddenly, it’s all
speeding up. I wanna find out why.
Scully:
You know…I’ve asked you this maybe 50 times in all
the years I’ve known you. Is there anything you
don’t believe in?
Mulder:
Uh…corporation outsourcing.
Scully:
(glares at Mulder) Let me see your gun for a second.
Mulder:
No!
Scully:
So what are you planning to do, exactly? Go up to David Bowie and ask
him to kindly stop corrupting the masses with his…um, pants?
Mulder:
I didn’t say he should stop.
Scully:
Of course you didn’t.
Mulder:
I’m not going to be going to him, Scully. He’ll
come to me.
(He
gets up, walks to the opposite side of the room, and flicks a switch on
the wall. Scully joins him and looks out the window only to see a
searchlight in the sky flashing the words “ZIGGY
STARDUST”.)
Scully:
This. Is. Ludicrous.
(There’s
a knock at the door)
Mulder:
Is it? (he walks over to the door and opens it. I steps none other than
Ziggy Stardust himself. Scully is, of course, wide-eyed.)
David
Bowie: You rang?
Mulder:
(to Scully) Army Surplus Bowie signal. Only 50 bucks!
Scully:
Mr. …Bowie?
David
Bowie: (puts his finger to Scully’s lips) Oh,
baby…just you…shut your mouth. (He struts over to
Mulder’s desk and sits on it. Suddenly, the entire desk turns
into a leopard print couch.)
David
Bowie: Could I trouble one of you for a DIRTY martini?
Scully:
(somewhat entranced and staring blankly into space)
Mar…ti…ni…
Mulder:
I think I have a zima in here somewhere.
David
Bowie: You want to a few answers, Hmm, Fox?
Mulder:
Could you just keep it to “Mulder”?
David
Bowie: I shall address you as I see fit, mortal. Now, then, I am
prepared to answer. About my glorious region…
Scully:
(still entranced) Yes…glorious…
David
Bowie: Long ago, when I was just a boy in 1420s England, a sorcerer
told me that my real father had been a wayward Pixie, and had gotten my
mother, a witch, very drunk. As witches were not allowed pixie
consorts, she was forced to leave my father and instead marry the
village Moron, Beltsander. The sorcerer told me that I was to inherit
all the powers of the earth and thus become GOD. However, the sorcerer
was off a little on the prediction, and I ended up getting the powers
of god…in my crotch.
(Just
then, AD Skinner comes barging in. He is furious.)
Skinner:
Agents Mulder and Scully, I hoped this morning that I would not have to
remind you two of the very important meeting in MY office going on
RIGHT NOW, but I guess I do have to—um…(his
expression turns from violent to perplexed as his eyes land on the
rockstar and couch) That, um, wow…
David
Bowie: How dare you interrupt me, FOOL! (Bowie gyrates at Skinner, and
poor Skinner’s clothing disappears.)
(Skinner
looks down at himself, to David Bowie, to Scully still fixated on
Bowie’s “region”, and to Mulder, who has
taken himself up on his zima offer)
Skinner:
Well, I can see you’re all busy. And Scully’s
catatonic. I’m going to leave you alone now…for a
long time. (He grabs a piece of paper from one of Mulder’s
giant, messy piles of junk, arranges it as temporary underwear, and
makes an astonishingly quick exit.)
Mulder:
Moving on, what is it that is accelerating your powers? Is it anything
to do with global warming? Is it fulfilling a prophecy?
David
Bowie: No. It’s just fun, and I’m doing it more. I
believe it benefits your puny human race. I mean, I used these voodoo
crotch powers in the 70s in front of a group of mild-mannered
librarians. They became Parliament Funkadelic. (looks down) Uh, Ms.
Scully, dahling, you can look in other directions, if you wish.
Scully:
Can’t…
Mulder:
I’m going to love hearing her explanation for this.
David
Bowie: Well, if I’ve explained myself accordingly, I should
like to get back to the wife so we can continue producing genetically
superior Superchildren. Oh, I suppose you’ll want your desk
back the way it was? (he motions to the leopard print couch)
Mulder:
You know, not so much. Can you conjur up a ceiling mirror to go with it?
David
Bowie: Your office isn’t THAT out of the way. (he disappears
in a puff of red smoke)
(Scully
jolts back to complete awareness suddenly. She looks around, notices
the leopard print couch, and grabs the zima out of Mulder’s
hand. She guzzles the drink.)
Mulder:
No ceiling mirror. Psshhhh.
Contact The Church
PLEASE READ OUR
DISCLAIMER BEFORE CONTACTING US
Hail Bowie!
|
|