"THE SKYBOX"

What's going on in the league...

OWENS, KITNA LEAD HOOSIER DADDY

Hoosier Daddy WR Terrell Owens gives a catcall to Nads owner Judd Knispel after Hoosier Daddy's decisive victory. Owens presented Jay Bartley with the game ball after assistant coach Steve Mariucci calmed him down.

  West Point (AP)  12/9/02  The first round went pretty much as planned Sunday, as the four teams with the best record advanced. The most impressive performance of the day was turned in by Hoosier Daddy. The team had been pretty much written off as far as championships, but backup QB John Kitna has performed admirably for the injured Dion McNabb. "John has done a great job," said Bartley, "but I've got to give a shout out to my boy Terrell Owens." On-lookers then watched in disbelief as Bartley performed a "shout out" to Owens. 

  DaNecks looked to be on the ropes early, as stars Marvin Harrison, Hines Ward, and QB Tommy Maddox performed terribly. Maddox, who was filling in for Kordell Stewart, after his mumps returned, never could get on track. However, it was the play of his "Duce's", RB's Staley and Deuce McCallister, that sealed the win. The Clubbers never could get on track as Michael Vick (shown sacked at left) was frustrated all day. 

  It had all the makings of an upset. The 11-7 Modells were the hottest team in the league, and they were squaring off against the 13-5 Gamecocks, who are considered by most to be an overachieving team that really isn't that good. They proved everyone wrong, as Jeff Garcia led a balanced effort in trouncing the heavily favored Modells. Kerry Collins and Tiki Barber (at right) were held in check the entire game, and the Gamecocks will advance. "When are you people going to take us seriously," shouted a fired up Phil Seevers as he left the field.

   In what was expected, the PoonTangens ran past Brad Bell and the Bonecrushers behind the running of RB's Ladanian Tomlinson and Priest Holmes (shown at left). Bell was gracious in defeat, "I've ridden the Oakland Raiders for the entire year," said Bell in reference to his 3 starting Raiders. "It had to end sometime." Most thought that comment was a reflection of his disappointment in WR Tim Brown, who had just five points in the loss. 

  Surprised abounded in the Bednarz Bracket, as, get this...three of the four bottom seeds advanced. Seeds 13, 15 and 16 all pulled off upsets in their attempt to capture the $50 prize and the special "Bednarz Banner". The Old Timers vs Simon Sez game is still up for grabs.

Dancing Titos kicker Bill Gramatica runs around the field like a little schoolgirl after kicking the game clinching FG against the 7 Layer Burritos.

HOLMES BRINGS HOME AWARD

West Point (AP) 12/6/02   The Commissioner's Office today announced the PoonTangens RB Priest Holmes was named the "Frank Solich Tremendous Player of the Year" in a runaway vote. "Without question, I really thought Priest moved around well this season," said Solich at the presentation ceremony, "he has been a tremendous player for the entire season." Holmes led the league with 3 Tremendous Player of the Week Awards, and led the PoonTangens to a 12-6 record and a 1st round playoff matchup with the Bonecrushers.

DIVISION WINNERS POCKET $100 & BANNER

Division winners Bell (left), Bartley (2nd), Dynek (3rd), and Brown (right)

West Point (AP)   12-3-02     Released this morning were the official playoff pairings by the Commissioner's Office in West Point. Among the surprises were the appearance of the Modells. They went from struggling to stay out of the Bednarz bracket to overtaking the Nads and winning the division. The ironic part of this is that the Nads get the #7 seed, and the fortunate matchup against the battered, bruised, and drunk players of the Hoosier Daddy squad. In the last month, Bartley's squad has lost starters Dion McNabb, Lamar Smith, Shannon Sharpe, Koy Detmer, and Tim Seder. At one point in the season, Bartley, along with DaNeck's Dynek were dominant teams, but it now appears a first round loss is imminent for 13-5 Hoosier Daddy.

Among the interesting matchups is the 12-6 Bonecrushers, who square off against the 12-6 PoonTangens. This promises to be the best game of the week, as the PoonTangens have tallied 6, yes 6, HDOW awards. The Bonecrushers, fueled by a 9-1 start, have struggled, losing 5 of their last 8 games. But, Brad, learning from past experiences as a youngster, always has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Will somebody please give the Gamecocks their due. The rookie owners Stanton & Seevers (or Seevers & Stanton) took the league by storm and nobody even noticed. At 13-5, they have completed the most successful rookie season in league history. After drawing the Modell's in Round 1, sunburned co-owner Phil Seevers (back from Jamaica) was not happy, "Hell, we'll probably lose in the first round." It's this type of "Lou Holtz-talk" that continues to keep the Gamecocks out of the spotlight. (that and a reliance on questionable players stepping up each week).

Also an impressive performance is that turned in by DaNecks Dynek. In posting the second best PPG in league history, Dynek silenced the early season critics, by wading through his starting QB, Kordell Stewart, coming down with the mumps. He simply plugged in Tommy Maddox until Stewart's incubation period was over. His playoff obstacle may be that the Clubbers were able to hand defeat to DaNecks in their Week #3 matchup.

BASEBALL CARDS PROVE TO BE EARLY TRAINING GROUND

Fairbury (AP) circa 1982       Those of us that have been in the league have seen year after year the repeated attempts of Nads owner Judd Knispel to "get one over" on opposing league members. In 2000, it was unsuspecting Brad Bell, who, mired in yet another disappointing year, pawned off Randy Moss and a 2 year deal for little more than a football autographed by Craig Bohl. Of course, this year, there was the Tom Brady gift that Judd received....we're all aware of the fireworks that sparked in early November. That led me to a discussion with another league member, and a discussion about when Judd started this behavior. Funny thing, another league member was on the receiving end of Judd's first woodshed deal.

    It was late spring maybe early summer, 1983, and there was baseball in the air. Not that this has anything to do with this, but half this league was on the same Little League team. The "Lions", we were: Judd, me, Bell, Q, and Endorf, oh, and Crusher was our coach.  That was when people still liked baseball. Hell, I even liked baseball, and I can't stand it now. I'd almost rather sit and listen to West Point radio all day....oh, I guess I do that already. Anyway, baseball was in the air. Judd, it seemed had amassed quite a collection since he was old enough to whine "buy me these", on a grocery store trip. But, being the young swindler that he grew into, he decided one day to legally "steal" a card from unsuspecting 6 year old Quint English, owner of the 7 Layer Burritos. In offering Q (1) a Willie Wilson "League Leaders" card, in which he was featured with Davey Lopes, (2) Steve Balboni rookie card, (3) Pete Rose "Montreal Expos" card, (4) and a Frank White card with the toothpick hanging out his mouth. All this for a rare George Brett rookie card. 'Lil Quint, just 6 years of age thought this was a deal. Hell, he got four cards and just gave away one. What a deal!! Sadly, this behavior continues, nearly 20 years later. The Swinder is still swindling.

BELL MEETS THE PRESS

Dismisses rumors...tells all about arrest

Grand Island (AP)  9/1/02  Brad Bell "met the media" this weekend during a charity golf outing co-hosted by Wells Fargo Bank and the Bonecrushers. He wanted to dismiss rumors that he is out of control and that he became "violent" at the Home Run Derby when dealing with the undercover police. Here is an excerpt of the session:

"Quint, Jon (Quint's cousin) and myself showed up early to Miller Park in
Milwaukee to try and find some all-star game tickets.  After walking around
the stadium for about an hour, we found a guy that sold us tickets for $25
over face or $150 a piece.  Finding these tickets, we were all pretty happy,
although now Quint and his cousin were broke so we decided to walk around a
little more then go off to a sports bar to watch the homerun derby and have
a few frosty malted beverages and a little dinner. 

As we walked around the stadium, Quint got a good look inside the stadium
through the Plexiglass lining the outfield portion of the park.  Now in the
exact words of Mr. Quint English, he turns to me and says..."Brad, you know
we're going to hate ourselves if we don't go to the Homerun Derby.  I say we
find that guy we bought tickets from earlier and see if he has tickets to
the homerun derby."

I did agree, the only problem was that Quint and his Cousin both were not
prepared and didn't have enough cash to buy their own tickets.  So we came
up with the grand plan to have myself buy a ticket to the derby, go inside
and find an ATM, get Cash for the other 2 tickets, then get the tickets and
go into the Stadium.  So we find the scalper, he has 3 tickets to the
homerun derby for $75 a piece.  I get my money ready to go and as we're
making "the exchange" 2 undercover cops walk over to us, flash their badges
and tell us we need to come with them.  The first words out of my mouth were
"Are you Kidding Me?"  The cop didn't seem too amused by my smartass
question and replied "no I'm not kidding."  They then proceeded to handcuff
the scalper and I was praying they wouldn't handcuff me (which they didn't).
At that moment, Quint started walking towards me and was trying to ask what
was going on?  The Cop asked if those were my buddies and I said "Yes, but
they have nothing to do with this", so I in essence was taking one for the
team by leaving them out of the whole situation.  As we walked away, I
turned my head towards Quint and mouthed the words "I'm in Trouble!!!" as I
was being taken away.

The cops then took us into the stadium down to the lower level into the
security area, put me in one area with a pretty scary looking guy that was
pacing like he was about to be arrested for murder and took the scalper into
another area.  They ran my information through a computer, looking for other
outstanding warrants or history and I assume questioned the scalper.  As I
sat in the other room with this guy, another cop came in and started
interrogating this other guy and after hearing that I decided that if the
guy that questioned me came in like that and told me they would not press
charges (scalping tickets is a misdemeanor and carries a $150 fine) if I
told the whole truth, I was going to talk!  Luckily for me, the cop came in
with money in hand, and only asked if I approached the scalper or if he came
up to us.  I answered the question without additional explanation and the
cop accepted the answer and proceeded to take me back outside and let me go.

As we were walking, the cop was kind of giving me the lowdown on why they
were cracking down on scalping.  He said Major League Baseball wanted to do
this and make examples of people so that scalping does not occur near the
stadium...I guess to protect MLB's public image as a fan friendly sporting
event (what a joke!!).  After 30 minutes with security, I exited the stadium
and found Quint and John happily looking at the souvineir stand.  After all
this, I was pretty pissed off and thought it would be a good idea if we went
to the local bar, ate some dinner and get completely blitzed. 

As we left the park to go to the car, we walked right by the scalper and he
continued to sell tickets...although outside of the 250 yard area that Major
League Baseball had set as the appropriate distance from the stadium that
tickets could be sold or exchanged.  I was pissed to see the guy selling
tickets so fast after being released.  I mentioned to Quint and Jon that,
that was the scalper and I was out $25 as both the scalper and myself told
the cops we exchanged the tickets at face value.  I wanted to leave and not
make a scene, as I felt being out $25 was a cheap way to learn a lesson.
Quint and Jon didn't agree and said "We're going to get your money back!"
So we walk back over to the scalper, I was about 10 - 15 feet behind Quint
and Jon, and the scalper saw them coming and immediately said..."where's
your buddy?"  I then came up and told him I was still out $25 and the cops
only gave me back the $50.  He whipped out $25 and thanked me for sticking
to our original story.  He then proceeded to try and sell us the 3 tickets
again for $75 a piece, which Quint wanted to do, but Jon and myself said no
way to.  We left the park, went to the bar and then proceeded to spend about
$200 in booze for the night (I think I drank about $100 bucks worth of beer
and shots).  Granted, the next morning I was pretty hung over and felt like
crap...took me until after the all star game to be able to even stand the
sight of a beer.

So now you all know the real story... I know it's not near as funny as Quint's
made up version...it was one of those things where you had to be there to
get the true effect."

Thanks, Brad for clearing the air, and we all hope that you can avoid any future run-ins with the law.

"THAT'S A LOT OF PIZZA -- FOR AN 11 YEAR OLD!!!"

Omaha (AP)  8/21/02   When word spread that the 2002 FFFL Auction would be held at the West Point Pizza Hut, stories began surfacing from 1985. It was then that a championship was being celebrated...no...not a Fantasy Football Championship, but rather a Little League title in Fairbury Nebraska. A celebratory dinner following was held at the Fairbury Pizza Hut. What followed was, according to eyewitnesses...a sight to be seen.

    What started as a way for a bunch of 10,11, and 12 year olds to celebrate a victory, became a contest of sorts....an eating contest. "We basically had an eating contest," said catcher Quint English, "Brad was the last man standing at the end -- I think I dropped out at the 6-piece mark, but Brad ended up at like 12, so he must have eaten a large pizza," English continued. Pitcher Judd Knispel had another recollection of the event, "Oh, it was a large pizza alright....after he made it to 10, we felt we should offer some encouragement...so...right there in the Pizza Hut...we started chanting his name...you know....BRAD...BRAD...BRAD...and I'll be darned...he did it!!!"  "I remember that," stated English..."I remember Brad shoveling down piece after piece with us all chanting his name. I also remember that Brad retired to the 'Little Wranglers' room for a while after that too. I can recall giving him crap about that afterward, and him insisting that he didn't chuck in there. He said he just had to go in and 'sit' for a while. "

    To sum up the event, English simply shook his head and said...."Damn, that's a lot of pizza for an eleven year old."

"IT'S IN THE HOLE!!" -- LANS BROWN GETS AN ACE

Omaha (AP)  8/7/02   Modells owner Lans Brown made headlines recently with a hole in one. The ace, recorded in Brown's Monday evening league, was (as you can see) a 330 yard shot, that dropped in for the double eagle. "I've never seen him run that far in his life," said an impressed witness, Buffalo Steak's own Curt Schwartzkopf, "...he couldn't see that far, so I'll bet he ran about 50 yards, and he could see the clowns in front of us jumping up and down. We all just figured one of them were thrilled to make a double bogey or something." Brown was pleased with the shot, saying that he appreciates all the congratulatory remarks. "Well," Brown said, "maybe now people won't get me confused with that joker that used to play receiver for the Huskers." 

    The shot was also witnessed by Hot Gravy owner Mike Endorf, as well as Mark (or, "Abbot", as his buddies call him) Costello. No truth to the rumor that "Abbot" will be joining the Skin Boat as the 9th owner this season.

ENGLISH TALKS ABOUT BELL ARREST 

Quint cleared of all wrongdoing in Milwaukee melee

    Omaha (AP)- 7/27/02    Encouraged to break his silence after being assured by authorities that the case involving infamous ticket scalper Brad Bell was completed, Quint English spoke up about the real happenings on that All-Star weekend in Milwaukee.  "I don't have any idea what he was thinking," said English, "..he just said, 'This (edit) isn't happening, we're getting in to the Home Run Derby.  I didn't pile my butt into a car, ride 10 hours and spend two days with you and your (edit) cousin to sit out here.  I'll be back!'  Then Brad ran after this scalper on a bike.  I've known Brad since we were 4 and I have never seen him run like that.  He grabbed the bicyclist and explained that we were going to get tickets and he could choose to do it the easy way or the hard way.  I don't remember a whole lot of what happened next -- it's all such a blur, but soon Brad was surrounded by at least 10 cops in plain clothes.  Being kind of short like I am, I couldn't see what was happening in the middle of the pack, but I know that Brad was battling and fighting them.  It took about 6 of them to get the cuffs on him."

English then went on:  "My cousin and I grabbed our stuff and headed to the other end of the plaza, not wanting to be involved in this kind of criminal activity.  I can't believe that Brad would do such a thing just to see an artificial event, like the Home Run Derby.  Brad used to be pretty level headed."  Witnesses back English's story that Bell was working alone.  Police have cleared English and his cousin of any wrongdoing in the case.  "Brad used to be a really mellow guy", English recalled, "..I remember that Brad used to fake getting hurt in the neighborhood football games so that he could go home and eat ice-cream.  How much more mellow can a guy get than just wanting to sit and enjoy some Hagen-Daaz."

"The part that I'll never forget was when Brad appeared to come back to his senses while in police custody.  He looked over at us and with a tear of innocence in his eye, he mouthed, 'Quint, I'm in trouble!!'  No kidding."   Bell is reported to be recovering comfortably in Grand Island, NE and holding down a reputable job as a Business Banking Representative at a nationally known bank.

"I hope it all works out for Brad and he can get his life back following such a tragic event," English commented. 

No other charges are anticipated in this highly publicized case.

BUSTED!!!   BELL GOES TO JAIL

Brad Bell's official mugshot, as taken by the Milwaukee Police Department after the arrest.

    Milwaukee (AP)  7/23/02   Shocking news came out today regarding Brad Bell, the mild-mannered Business Banking Representative and head coach of the perennial doormat Bonecrushers. It seems that Bell now has a police record and will not be invited back to Miller Park in Milwaukee after last week's shenanigans. Bell was "cuffed and stuffed", according to sources, after he repeatedly ignored a city ordinance outlawing ticket scalping. Details are sketchy of what happened. "I was just walking around looking at the scenery," said Quint English, who accompanied Bell on the ill-fated trip, "I didn't know he was participating in illegal activities."

    Milwaukee police declined to comment on the situation, but an unidentified source within the department stated that Bell became unruly when stopped by an undercover officer. The officer stated that Bell tried to pay $200 for tickets for last Monday's "Home Run Derby". When the officer told Bell that "it's illegal to scalp tickets", the police report indicates that Bell said, "Just give me the damn tickets!!!" He didn't get the tickets, but instead got a one way ticket to the slammer.

    Bell's trial is pending. Everyone should be leery of this character as we approach auction day.

BRENDA HOSTS FUND RAISER FOR 'LIL BRO

Omaha (AP)  7/15/02   Brenda Warner tried to "circle the wagons" this past weekend, hosting a charity fundraiser for her brother, SkinBoat owner Jeff Ewen. "The team has really been going through a tough time lately," said Big 'Sis Brenda. "Jeff has really struggled, you know, with Shawn's bad publicity, and really, the reality that this season will be a tough one. It's kind of like when Kurt set all the passing records at Northern Iowa...the next season, he was stocking Grape Nuts and Fruit Loops at Hy-Vee. I'm just afraid my little "JJ" (her nickname for Ewen) will have a bad year and get made fun of by all those other jackasses." 

Above, Jeff and his sister Brenda have a celebratory drink with Shawn at the gala event

VICK'S MAMA THROWS A PARTY

West Point (AP)  7/7/02  Michael Vick (shown at left during a post-trade party thrown by his mom) was the focal point of the year's first trade. He was dealt earlier today  by Simon Sez owner Jeff Simons. The move was done, according to Simons as a way to free up some cap room. "I already had Brett Favre coming back this season, so I didn't need 2 QB's," sez Simons, "..and I was happy to get a quality WR in Laverneous Coles, especially at a bargain basement price." The recipient of Vick was Clubbers GM Ryan Knispel. "This will be the first decent quarterback that the Clubbers have had since....well....since....uh....Dan Fouts?!?!", said Knispel. 

The trade officially went like this:  

• Simon Sez gets Lavender Coles ($30) and Chad Pennington ($40) 

• Clubbers get Michael Vick ($120 for 2 seasons) and Baltimore DST ($103)

NEW AWARD ANNOUNCED

West Point (AP)  7/2/02  This icon may be prevalent as the season goes on. This will be the "Jr Judd Award", given out at random times by way of a vote to that league participant who has quite simply "pissed off" the remainder of the league. If you have someone you'd like to nominate for a "Jr Judd", please let the Commissioner's Office know.

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THE WEEK IN PHOTOS..  6/26/02

Koolen's yard was getting a touch out of hand, so Jeff (left) enlisted the help of  some neighbors, and they quickly got the grounds back into shape.	Recently, Jay Bartley (left) tried out for the lead role in a "Fargo Community Theater" production.  Here, Jay takes part in some pre-audition bantering with the play's director. Jay is telling him the story of how he bought his "Miller Lite NASCAR t-shirt" for just $5 from a street-corner vendor, along with some "Oakley lookalike" sunglasses, also just $5.	From the National Spelling Bee....Is that Bartley in the background??? Judge:  "Ryan, could spell 'atrocious' please?" Ryan:  "Could you use that in a sentence please?" Judge:  "Of course....here you go.  'Year after year, the Clubbers are just flat out atrocious." Ryan:  "Oh that helped...."A-T-T-R-O-C-I-U-S" Judge:  "WRONG!!!!!  You spell as poorly as your fantasy teams play!!!!  No go buy your 20 magazines to prepare for "atrociousness" again!!!!"

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"HOT GRAVY" POURS INTO FFFL

5/31/02  West Point (AP)     Hot Gravy will be on the menu for the upcoming 2002 FFFL season.  No, this isn't in reference to a new Britney Spears song, or even what Koolen poured on his lunch today. This is the name of the squad owned by the league's new owners, Mike Endorf and Jay Rine. 

    Hot Gravy takes the place of the controversial Outlaws franchise for the upcoming season. Photos of the two owners are not available yet. However, background on the two owners are this:

• Jay Rine:  An avid New York Jets fan (I'm not kidding). Jay works as a claim representative in Omaha. I know nothing else about Jay, except he helped me one time with a claim question and did an outstanding job.

• Mike Endorf:  Yes, he's an SF'er also, but actually, I've known Mike since he was a teammate on my Little League team. Mike was a high school classmate of our own Business Banker Brad Bell of the Bonecrushers, as well as "Q" aka Quint English.

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Recapping Expectant or New Fathers

There...now all the stories below have been deleted

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