A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day.If you have anything you would like to see added, please send it.[Back to top] [Back to Humour] After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid that it has reached epidemic proportions. "Hmm," God said thoughtfully. "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put and end to this sexual perversion?" "I think that we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity, " replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one these good people. And do you know what that letter said? NO? You mean you didn't get one either?
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup. Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrieves his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond. "Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter. "No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!" This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrieve is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," replies St. Peter. "Jack Nicholas."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] THE FIRST SERMON The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again." (suz)FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down. (suz)SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12. (suz)THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10. (suz)FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. (suz)FIFTH: We do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys." (suz)SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. (suz)SEVENTH: We do refer to the Cross as the "Big T." (suz)EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." (will1990)NINTH: The recommended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!" (suz)TENTH: And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest reallised his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bicycle. they were riding along when they hit a bump. As they hit the 2 novices giggled. The mother superior just gave them a dirty look. They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again. The mother superior gave them another dirty look. They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /________\ /________\ /________\ || || || || || || A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] First type of sex: House Sex: When you're newly married and you have sex all over the house. Second type of sex: Bedroom Sex: After you're married for a while and you only have sex in the bedroom. Third type of sex: Hall Sex: After you've been married for many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say "fuck you".
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] God is walking through the Garden of Eden, and he comes upon a very glum Adam, musing on a rock next to a pool. "Why so down, Adam? Don't you like the lovely garden I've created for you?" "It's not that, Lord. Your garden is beautiful, and it's filled with wondrous creatures and good things to eat. It's just that I'm so lonely." God says, "I could make you a mate, someone who would be your intellectual equal, who would meet your every need and satisfy your heart's desire... but it would cost you an arm and a leg." Adam ponders this for a minute. "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A woman is walking along the beach, and notices a lamp half-buried in the sand. "Hmmm...," she thinks, and picks it up and rubs it. OUT POPS A GENIE! "You have three wishes!" the Genie shouts, as is in Genie tradition. The woman thinks, and replies, "I'd like to be smarter!" POOF!!! The woman understands last nights college homework. "This rocks! I'd like to be even smarter!" POOF!!! The woman understands tommorrow's homework. "Yes!!! I'd like my intelligence increased once more!!!!!" She is a man.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] WORK PLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT, WOMAN SYMBOL, Wo2 ATOMIC MASS, ACCEPTED AS 125 LBS. BUT KNOWN TO VARY FROM 100 TO 500 LBS. OCCURRENCE: COPIOUS QUANTITIES IN ALL URBAN AREAS PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Surface usually covered with a painted film 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason 3. Melts if given special treatment 4. Bitter if incorrectly used 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore 6. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental especially in sports cars 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation 3. Very effective cleaning agent TESTS 1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discover in the natural state 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen HAZARDS 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands 2. Illegal to possess more than one
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: MAN SYMBOL: Ego DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs. ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs. OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labour) PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense. 3. Melts if treated like a God. 4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewellery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element. 2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened. 3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention,reassurance, and stroking. 4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. 8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. 9. Is impervious to embarrassment. 10.Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question. "What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?" The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it." The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it." The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security." Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Three old women are walking down the street and it starts to rain. After it stops they pull out their cigarettes but two of the ladies cigarettes are soaking wet they ask the third how she keeps hers dry and she tells them she puts them in a condom. The next day one of the ladies goes to the drug store and says: "gimmie a box of condoms". The store clerk says "what size?" and she says "one big enough to fit a camel"!
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] "The Gift" A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them. So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordily powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and...parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger. Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still got it?" "Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses. So Jesus kicked off the Birkenstocks and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter. "Must be those fucking holes in your feet," Moses responded.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Mickey and Minny were in a divorce proceedings. The judge says: "Mickey, you can't file for divorce on the grounds that Minny is crazy." Mickey replies: "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A Dictionary of common dating terminology ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play . . . normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with an approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?" Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of girl do you think I am??" "Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?" "I guess I would," the woman says. "In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?" "What kind of a girl to you think I am??" the woman says again. "We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage, and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning" The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] The men's bathroom on the flight to Los Angeles was full, so I begged the flight attendant to allow me to use the women's rest room or else my bladder would explode. She agreed to let me in but warned me not to touch any of the three buttons. I said I wouldn't and entered the restroom and I was amazed. It was spotless, perfectly clean, fresh smelling, and there was even a bouquet of fresh flowers in a vase. I relieved my aching bladder and wondered what the three buttons labelled W, P, and TR did. I pressed W button and was shocked to have my ass wiped, stood slack jawed after being powdered. Then I pressed TR, felt a large wave of pain and awoke in a hospital. I then noticed my family jewels and reproductive organs missing!!!!!!!!!!. Then the flight attendant came in to visit me. I asked her what the TR button was. She said that was the tampon remover!!!
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Guy talking to a Pirate (The Pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch): What happened to your leg? Pirate: Well...It was a stormy night, the main spar fell on me leg. Me ship was headed for the rocks, I had to takes me faithful pocket knife and cut me leg off so's I could steer me ship away from the rocks. Guy: What happened to your hand? Pirate: Well...I was fishin', got too close to the water when a big ol' shark came along and bit me hand clean off. Got this nifty hook when we got to port. Guy: What about your eye? Pirate: Well...I was lookin' up when this sea gull shit in me eye. Guy: Surely that didn't cause you to lose an eye? Pirate: Well...Ya see, it was me first day with the hook.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A man walks into a whorehouse and plops his money on the counter. "I need a woman," he says. "I don't care which one, just get me in there right now." He's directed to a room, where he is met by a prostitute, who immediately begins to remove her clothes and asks him what his preference is. "To be honest," he says, " I really enjoy eating pussy." "No problem," replies the hooker. "It's your money." Soon thereafter, they're on the bed, with his face buried in her crotch. As he explores with his tongue, he notices something get stuck in his teeth. Removing it, he notices that it's a piece of corn. Figuring that perhaps she had just gotten done masturbating with an ear of corn (Or something logical like that) he dismisses it and dives right in again. After a few more moments, he feels something else. This time, it's a piece of potato. Not quite sure how that one got in there, he thinks, but he keeps on going, because he's paid his money, and, dammit, he's going to eat some pussy. A few minutes later, he felt something *else* get stuck in his teeth. Pulling back, he picks it out, and inspects it. Beef. Or some meat, anyhow. Sitting up on the bed, his stomach starts to turn. "I... Ah... I think I'm going to vomit." he states. "That's funny." replies the hooker. "That's my last one said too."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them. The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up." The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me." And the third one says I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A large gorilla was roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the brush he saw a big old male lion sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward he seized the lion and before the lion could respond the gorilla had his way with him. He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing through the forest. Coming to his senses the lion took off after the gorilla. The gorilla spots a tent with nobody around, jumps inside, pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt and hat, and grabs a newspaper and begins reading. All of a sudden the lion bursts into the tent, and stops short. "Hey, have you seen a big gorilla?" he yells. " You mean the one who just fucked you in the ass?" responds the gorilla. Says the lion " You mean it's in the papers already?"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A man is walking along the beach and finds a lamp. As he's dusting it off a genie appears and tells him he's entitled to make three wishes, but whatever he wishes for his attorney would receive double. He wishes for a trillion dollars, so his attorney got two trillion. He wished for a mansion fully furnished and staffed in every country in the world, his lawyer ended up with two each. For his third wish he thought long and hard. he finally turned to the genie and said, "For my third wish I'd like you to beat me half to death."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Have you heard about rodeo sex? Have your wife get on all fours and mount her from behind. Start moaning out some other woman's name. See how long you can stay on board! Or, you can whisper in her ear "You fuck just like your sister" Make sure you have two turns of hair around your good hand before doing this though...
[Back to top] [Back to Humour]
TOP TEN things that sound risque at the office, but aren't. 10. I need you to whip it out by 5! 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Put it in my box before I leave. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk NOW! 5. Hmmm... I think it's out of fluid. 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back![Back to top] [Back to Humour] Due to the current financial situation, Management has decide to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management feel appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A doctor is delivering a baby. The mother pushes, and the baby's head comes out. No Problems so far. Still with me? The mother pushes again, and the rest of the baby by comes out. All of a sudden, the doctor grabs the infant by the feet, starts twirling it over his head, and slams it against the wall. The baby's head implodes, spewing blood everywhere. The mother goes hysterical, screaming "What the hell are you doing to my baby?" The doctor replies "Just kidding, it was born dead!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] PROBLEM SOLVING P R O C E S S YES ============================= NO +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+ | ============================= | V V +----------+ +---------+ +---------+ | Don't | NO | Does | +-------+ YES | Did you | | mess | +---| anyone |<------| YOU |<---------| mess | | with it! | | | know? | | MORON | | with it | +----------+ | +---------+ +-------+ +---------+ | V | YES | NO | +------+ +-----------+ | | | HIDE | V V | | IT | +--------+ +-----------+ | +------+ | YOU | YES | WILL THEY | | | +------->| POOR |<------------| CATCH YOU?| | | | |BASTARD!| +-----------+ | | | |________| | NO | | | | | | | | V V | | | +---------------+ +-----------+ | | | NO | CAN YOU BLAME | |DESTROY THE| | | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE | | | +---------------+ +-----------+ | | | YES | | | v | | | ============================ | | +---->|| N O ||<---------+ +------------>|| P R O B L E M || ============================
[Back to top] [Back to Humour]
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers ,who are especially skilled at S.H.I.T. like this, will see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Since all of our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAM (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to get into D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. will have to go to the EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.) and are encouraged to take TECHNIQUES ON UTILIZING GOOD HABITS(T.O.U.G.H. S.H.I.T.) If you enjoy taking S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job-training others and begin giving S.H.I.T. In order to give S.H.I.T., you must obtain a BEHAVIORAL UNDERSTANDING LECTURER LICENSE(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Only those full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get all the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can later apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please feel free to direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Sincerely, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Chinese Phrase English Translation -------------- ------------------- Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilised the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harbouring a fugitive Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host Kum Hia Approach me Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island Lao Zi Not very good Lin Ching An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B. Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] An elephant had escaped from the circus and all of the performers, trainers, etc. where out looking for him without success. A woman from (INSERT COUNTRY) who had never seen an elephant before saw the animal in her back yard. Frightened by its size she called the police. "HELP HELP There's this strange animal in my yard! You have to come get it!" The dispatcher said "Calm down, what kind of animal is it (thinking its a racoon, possum, etc.)?" "I don't know what it is, I never saw anything like it before." The dispatcher says "Well can you describe it to me?" She replies, "Well its big, its grey and it has two tails!" The confused cop then asks "What is it doing?" The lady says "With one of its tails, its picking cabbages out of my garden." The cop then says "What is it doing with your cabbages?" The lady says "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and begins eating. Eating too fast she chokes on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "Yor right Leroy, thet hind-lick manuver works like a charm".
[Back to top] [Back to Humour] Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
[Back to top] [Back to Humour]
