Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
   "Can you put me up for the night?"

Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both fuck up bowings.

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !

Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.

Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.

Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?
A. Two lips on your organ ...

Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked !

Q. Why does Barbara Bush always get on top ?
A. Because George can only fuck up.

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.

Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle
   in only a couple of months?
A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years." 

Q: Who makes more money, a whore or a drug pusher?
A: The whore because she can lick her crack and use it again. 

Q: What do your wife and a condom have in common?
A: When there not on your cock there in your wallet. 

Q: What is a blonde who died her hair brown?
A: Artificial Intelligence. 

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a good year.

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. 

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss. 

Q: Why don't women fart?
A: They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure!

Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs!

Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boob-ees.

Q: How do you get a Blonde to Marry you?
A: Tell her she's Pregnant.

Q: What similarities are there in a condom and a casket?
A: You come in one and leave in the other, and they both hold stiffs.

Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
A: Two more bullets...

Q: What was the last thing to go through Cobain's mind?
A: The roof of his mouth.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?

Q: Why do tampons have string?
A: So you can floss after eating.

Q: What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
A: The wheelchair.

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.

Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea?
A: It swells up over night.

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: Daddy, daddy, what's a pervert?
A: Shut up, son, and keep sucking!

Q: What does a women do with her ass in the morning???
A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....

Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a women's job

Q: Why do women bleed and get cramps every month?
A: Because they deserve it.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything!

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.

Q: What do you call a black smurf?
A: A smigger.

Q: What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
A: Nigers.

Q: What do Kodak cameras have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: How do you make a cat bark?
A: Soak the cat in gasoline and through a lighted match at him.
   WOOOFFFF

Q: What's 18 inches long, black, and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: A stethoscope.

Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?
A: Who Cares!

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?

Q: Mom! Can I lick the bowl? Please!
A: Shut up and flush!

Q: What's the hardest thing about eating shaved pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!!

Q: Why do women wear tampoons when they skydive?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: Why do cavemen drag women by the hair instead of ankles?
A: So they don't fill up with rocks!!!

Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

Q: What is hard, 6 inches long and fun to play with in bed?
A: A Gameboy!

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement
A: Someone ran out of cement.

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his
   students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
   good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!

Q: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma? 
A: Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Q: Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? 
A: I don't know dear, ask your father.

Q: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again? 
A: Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.

Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs? 
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!

Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong?
    (a) meat
    (b) eggs
    (c) wife
    (d) blowjob.

A: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your
       wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasorass.

Q:What's another term for lesbian?
A:Vagitarian.

Q: Why was the snowman smiling?
A: He heard the snowblower coming!