Quotations

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  1. Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
  2. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones
  3. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
  4. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen
  5. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman
  6. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
  7. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  8. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
  9. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
  10. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
  11. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
  12. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
  13. There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. -- Stroustrup
  14. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
  15. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams
  16. "Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?" "Completely pointless." -- Blackadder, Series II
  17. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
  18. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  19. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  20. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
  21. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
  22. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
  23. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  24. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
  25. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
  26. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
  27. When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
  28. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
  29. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
  30. Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
  31. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
  32. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
  33. I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
  34. One Man's Sunset is another Man's Dawn. -- Fievel Mouskawitz
  35. "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death
  36. Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
  37. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.
  38. Although they have tried to cover up the fact that mad cow disease exists the government has finally given up to public pressure demanding they reveal the truth, however they are still insisting that this fatal infection is no worse than a broken leg. No worse than a broken leg? I once had a broken leg and it hurt like fuck!!!!
  39. In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
  40. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
  41. The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. -- Douglas Adams
  42. "Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done." -- Ernie Kovacs
  43. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  44. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
  45. Life is a shit sandwich & everyday you take another bite.
  46. Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
  47. The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...
  48. He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
  49. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  50. "From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life." -- Arthur Ashe
  51. A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist.
  52. "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier
  53. "Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz
  54. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." -- Irving Caesar
  55. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." -- Erica Jong
  56. "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -- David Friedman
  57. "He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." -- Unknown
  58. "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
  59. "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
  60. "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -- W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
  61. "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair." -- George Burns
  62. "Doing a thing well is often a waste of time." -- Robert Byrne
  63. "Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." -- George Bernard Shaw
  64. "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  65. "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard F. Burton
  66. "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain
  67. "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." -- Samuel Goldwyn
  68. "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone." -- Tommy Cooper
  69. "Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." -- Truman Capote
  70. "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'" -- Isaac Asimov
  71. "Living in a vacuum sucks." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
  72. "An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." -- Dan Rather
  73. "Crime does not pay... as well as politics." -- Alfred E. Newman
  74. "Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" -- La Rochefoucauld
  75. "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
  76. "A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach
  77. "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." -- Jonathan Swift
  78. "When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer
  79. "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -- Bob Hope
  80. "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." -- George Orwell, Animal Farm
  81. "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg
  82. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -- His reply
  83. Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
  84. "I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words." -- Jo Ramos
  85. Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important. -- Lisa Hoffman
  86. What we call human nature, is actually human habit. -- Jewel
  87. When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years. -- Mark Twain
  88. I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile
  89. Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection.
  90. There are two essential basic strategies for success in business: 1. Never reveal all you know
  91. Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the frog usually dies as a result.
  92. A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche
  93. I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. --Stephen F Roberts
  94. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
  95. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  96. Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
  97. I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares.
  98. Some of the greatest writers this world has ever known have written their finest works while happily and blissfully drunk...and so shall I.
  99. I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
  100. One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up. -- Actual exam answer
  101. We the unwilling working for the ungrateful are doing the impossible. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
  102. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
  103. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. -- Dolly Parton
  104. I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers. -- Thomas Watson, IBM boss, 1943
  105. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, Microsoft boss, 1981
  106. You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker.
  107. Get busy living, or get busy dying. -- Shawshank Redemption
  108. You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train.
  109. I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to be deaf, dumb, and stupid?
  110. Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.

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