APRIL JOKES

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BAD PARROT (4/2/99)

Bad Parrot

Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill".
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Truck Troubles

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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Reverend Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
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Barber Trick

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Chips-n-Dip

There was this poor soul who couldn't hold a job. Every time he managed to land one, he would get fired for some reason or other. He was explaining his misery to a friend, and his friend told him that he thought he could get him a job that was almost impossible to get fired from. He proceeded to tell him about said job. He explained how he responded to an advertisement in a newspaper claiming he could bring home big bills by selling toothbrushes. Needless to say this poor man couldn't afford to turn down this job, so he found the clipping and mailed away for his kit. Upon arrival, he immediately opened his package and eagerly went door to door trying to sell his toothbrushes, but nobody seemed interested enough to buy any. He went back to his friend's house and asked how many toothbrushes he usually sold. His friend told him 700 to 800/wk. Astonished, he asked what his secret was. His friend told him that a good businessman would never reveal his secrets. He did however tell him that honesty is not always the best policy. This got our friend thinking. He left with his idea, and returned a week later. Upon arrival at his friend's house he couldn't help but to brag how he managed to outsell his friend, three-fold. His friend insisted he tell him how he managed to pull off a feat like that. He said a good businessman would never reveal his secrets, but he felt he never would have gotten the job if it weren't for his friend. He told him that he went to the airport with bags and bags of potato chips and massive quantities of dip, and a big sign that read, "FREE CHIPS AND DIP." People were all to eager to help themselves and tasting it, would reply,"Hey! This dip tastes like shit!" He would reply, "It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the Back up to joke list

Bumble Bee

vagina! The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!
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