PAIRING : Buffy/Angel

RATING : PG14 (For the NC17 version click here)

SPOILERS : none

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Painted On My Heart” (The Cult).

I look at the calendar again. That’s gotta be the twentieth time today. Still today. I look at the clock. Still today. I wish I knew what to do. It will be tomorrow in about three hours. So much has happened in the past how many years? Six years. So much has changed. But still, I pick up the phone and dial the number Cordelia gave me. I know it’s a bad time, but… that’s why I have to call. It’s ringing.

“Hello?” Her voice is so sad. “Hello?” I want to say something, but I can’t and I just hang up. Damn it. I’m a over two hundred and fifty years old. You’d think I’d be able to talk to an old girlfriend. There was something about her voice. I know what it was. She doesn’t seem to have good birthdays and in less than three hours, it’ll be hers.

I go to the closet after hanging up the phone. It was so strange, like I could feel *him*. But it couldn’t be because he doesn’t have my new number.

I glance at the clock. Less than three hours. And where am I going? To kill demons. What else? It’s my freaking birthday and I’ve gotta go slay. Wouldn’t it be fitting if this was my last battle? At least I made it to twenty-five. The first slayer to live that long after being called. Ten years. Ten long years of pain.

My birthday. What can I say about it? It’ll suck. I’ve come to expect that much. My fifteenth birthday was the day I was called. My sixteenth was spent fighting off the Master’s goons. My seventeenth was probably the best birthday, because I was happy. But I got an arm in a box, and stole my boyfriend’s soul. On my eighteenth birthday I got locked in a big house, sealed in with a crazy big vampire sans my powers. My nineteenth? That was an okay birthday, but I missed Angel the entire time, and had to introduce everyone to my new boyfriend, and pretend that it wasn’t eating me alive. Memories always come on my birthday. It’s like the day I brood more than Angel.

My twentieth birthday? Fighting Glory, trying to care of my mother, protect my imaginary sister, while dealing with the loss of my boyfriend, while missing Angel. My twenty-first birthday was a little more eventful. Some demons decided to open the Hellmouth once more, and so I fought and was almost drown for the third time. That was the night we lost Anya.

For my twenty-second birthday, I was hoping for something a little less eventful than the previous year. But that was the day the pain was too much for Xander, and while he was taking a walk at night, a few demons jumped him. I showed up two seconds too late, they’d just snapped his neck.

My twenty-third birthday was spent mourning our loved ones. It was also the night the Powers That Be came for Dawn. I was sitting with her in the living room, when there was just a bright light and then she was gone. All the pictures of her were gone, except one. Mom and I cried that night. My twenty-fourth birthday was the first one without Mom.

I can’t take another birthday.

I have sat in here all day. “Stop brooding. Just call her. Giles says she’s really having a hard time.”

“I can’t. I tried.”

“Then go. She needs somebody.”

“It’s been too long. I haven’t seen her in six years.”

“Yeah, but she needs someone. Giles is scared. He said she’s gotta fight some demons. They found a big nest and he’s worried. She won’t let anyone help her anymore, after what happened with Anya and Xa-”

She doesn’t finish. She can’t. It hurts her too much to think about him. I think she always loved him, probably always will. Cordelia is one person who never seems to realize her feelings until it’s too late. Xander. Doyle. Mark. Michael.

“Angel, please. You may not think she doesn’t need you, but she does. Go to her.”

I stand up and nod.

I drop the sword and wipe the demon goo off my face, and hands. I look around and see about twenty dead demons laying on the cave floor. I’m done here. I’ve done my job; someone else can clean up this one. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the Powers That Be taking everything from me. Angel. Riley. Anya. Xander. Dawn. Mom. I walk out of the cave into the open night.

“WHY!? WHO’S NEXT? YOU LEFT A FEW OF MY FRIENDS ALIVE! WHO’S GONNA GO NEXT? GILES? WILLOW? TARA? ME? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PUNISHING ME?” I scream. “WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?” I scream into the air. I’m so tired. My legs are tired. My body is tired. My heart can’t take this anymore. “I’ve fought everything you’ve sent. I sent my boyfriend to Hell for you people! I lost my friends! I lost my mom! YOU GAVE ME A SISTER AND MADE ME LOVE HER AND THEN YOU TOOK HER AWAY! WHY?”

I start pummeling a tree nearby. I punch and kick and scream. “WHY?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? I DID EVERYTHING YOU SENT ME! YOU STOLE MY LIFE AND I STILL FOUGHT WHATEVER YOU SENT FOR ME! YOU FREAKING STOLE ANGEL’S SOUL AND TRIED TO MAKE ME FORGET OUR DAY TOGETHER! WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH? WHEN WILL I SUFFER ENOUGH?”

I look down at my hands and they are bleeding. My knucklebones are practically showing, but I keep punching and kicking until I can’t stand anymore. “Why don’t I deserve anything good?” I sob.

Giles told me she was coming to a cave around here. I heard her screaming from a mile away and I started running. I get to a clearing, following the scent of her blood. I come upon her. She’s tearing up the grass, throwing dirt everywhere.

“Buffy?” I barely whisper.

She turns suddenly and is frozen for a minute. Then she turns to the sky and screams, “IS THIS SOME COSMIC JOKE? IT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH ON MY BIRTHDAY BEFORE, BUT YOU HAVE TO SEND HIM AGAIN? HAVE TO KNOCK ME WHEN I’M DOWN? YOU OWE ME! YOU OWE ME FOR TAKING ALL THE SHIT I’VE PUT UP WITH! YOU STOLE MY LIFE! YOU STOLE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY! YOU MADE ME SEND HIM TO HELL! YOU SENT HIM BACK AND MADE HIM LEAVE ME AND NOW YOU SEND HIM AGAIN?”

She’s shaking so hard as she struggles to stand up. “Well you know what?” She continues. “I’m not slaying another god damned demon until you pay up! I’m a warrior and you’ve done nothing but ruin my life! I’m not slaying one more day until I get what I deserve. YOU OWE ME THAT! Let the vampires and demons and hell beasts walk the Earth and devour it whole for all I care! I’m not reading another god dammed prophecy and I’m not gonna stop one more damned apocalypse!” She starts to fall again and I run to catch her.

She turns to me and looks at me. “It’s another Buffy birthday.” She says sarcastically. “Hell, demons, vampires, pain, agony, death, blood.. story of my life.”

“Let’s get you home.”

“Home?” She laughs. Where is that girl I once knew? Where is the girl that was so strong, even Angelus couldn’t break her? “You mean the place I’m living? It’ll never be home. Home is a place with family and friends, and in case you haven’t heard, I don’t have much of that left. THEY TOOK IT!” She’s screaming at the sky again. “IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? COME ON! I’M STILL STANDING! I’VE STILL GOT A FEW FRIENDS LEFT! GIMME YOUR BEST SHOT!”

“Buffy.” I say sternly.

“No. Don’t tell me it’s my duty. Don’t tell me they have nothing to do with it, because that’s bullshit. They have *everything* to do with it. I’m sick of blaming myself. It’s not my fault. It’s theirs. I’m sick of fighting demons when I never win. I’m sick of having this need to celebrate my birthday. What good ever came out of my birth? Huh? I fight demons every day. I’ve killed hundreds, thousands of them, and what do I get? I get punished, kicked and thrown down.”

“Maybe it’s part of the plan.”

“NO! IT’S NOT PART OF A PLAN! IT’S NOT DESTINY! IT’S THEM SCREWING ME OVER EVERY TIME I GET CLOSE TO BEING HAPPY!”

We walk in silence back to her place. I don’t what to say. I don’t think anything can make this better. Did I just make it worse for her? Does she ache as much as I do on her birthday? It’s been eight years since I buried myself in her for the first time, though she doesn’t know about the other times. It’s been eight years since I touched her heated flesh, and felt her fingers on my back, and watched her face as she came. It’s been eight years since I first tasted her.

Being this close, touching her, if only to help her limp home, is too much.

//I thought you'd be out of my mind

And I'd finally found a way to learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time

Till I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

But it's just not so

And after all this time I still can't let go//

Was it really only eight years ago that I was making love to him? I look at him. He actually looks a little older. Wiser. Different. He’s been working out more. I know that much, his arms are stronger, his shoulders broader.

We’re about five blocks from my place when it starts raining. I laugh. “Knock me while I’m down! YEAH! COME ON!” I scream at the sky. “GIMME YOUR BEST SHOT!”

“Let’s get you inside. You should rest.” He says.

We get back to my place and I open the door. “Come in.” I say and he walks in with me. The place is a wreck. It’s small. I couldn’t deal with a big place, too much empty room where friends weren’t. Too much empty room where family could be. “Sorry, I’m not the housekeeping type.”

“It’s nice.” He says.

“I’d be better off in a crypt. You can tell me.”

“No. It’s just small.”

“I like it that way.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like I’m choking and I like that feeling.”

//I've still got your face painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul, etched upon my memory Baby

I've got your kiss still burning on my lips

The touch of my fingertips

Is love so deep inside of me, Baby//

I look at her when she says that. This isn’t the girl I used to know. She’s been slowly closing herself off. That’s what Giles said. She barely talks to Willow or Tara anymore. She barely checks in with him, and she’s not training. He said he hears from Willy that she’s still patrolling and beating up demons without killing them, which is odd for her.

Still, I can’t help but think that somewhere in there is the Buffy I know. The Buffy I fell in love with. The Buffy that haunts my dreams. I’ll wake up in the middle of the day and be aching for her. I’ll be walking down a street at night, and all of sudden not be able to stand because I miss her so much. She’s etched into my body. When she hurts, I hurt. I’ve been hurting for years now. “I should have come sooner. I’m sorry.”

She starts shivering and I can tell she’s bleeding, not just her hands. “Are you okay?” I ask her.

“Just a few scratches. I’ve had worse.”

“Still, at least let me look at them?”

“Think you can keep your fangs in check long enough?”

I can’t believe she just said that to me.

Did I just say that? “Angel, I… god what’s happening to me?” I whisper. “I can’t do this anymore.” I look at him with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Angel… help me.” I whimper. “I feel so empty inside. It’s like there’s no air and I keep choking and begging, but I can’t find it. It’s eating me alive. It’s a disease under my skin that I can’t get out.”

She starts itching her hands and I take her hands in mine. “Stop this, Buffy. Let’s get some bandages for these.” She stops crying, stops talking, stops everything except breathing. I lead her into the bathroom and wash her hands off. It takes me a few minutes to fill the sink with water, and she just stares into space blankly.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner, Buffy.” I whisper. “I should have. I should have been here the night Xander… I should have been there when the Hellmouth was opened. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that.”

I know he’s talking to me. I know it’s probably apologies or him taking the blame. I don’t know. I don’t care. He’s here. After six years, I can reach out and touch him. I could kiss him. I could feel him inside me. I tried so hard to love Riley with everything I was. I tried so hard to give him everything he gave me, but he just wasn’t the ‘it’. He wasn’t the one. I tried to get Angel out of my system. But I can’t. He’s as much a part of me, as I am him.

I wish I could feel him above me, just once more. I *need* to feel him above me. I need to feel his strength. I need him to fill me, to complete me. If only for once second, I need that connection with him.

//I tried everything that I can

To get my heart to forget you

But it just can't seem to

I guess it's just no use

In every part of me

Is still a part of you//

“Why are you here?” She asks, finally breaking the silence. She’s looking at me, really looking at me.

“Cordy told me to call. I tried. I couldn’t move my mouth.”

“That was you last night?”

“Yes. I didn’t know what to say. Cordy told me to come.”

“So you came because someone told you to? Not because you wanted to?”

“I *want* to come every day. I’ve wanted to come back every day since I left after the Ascension.”

“Why did you leave me?” She asks.

“Because.”

“WHY?” She insists. “I’m a big girl. Tell me the truth.”

“I wanted you to have someone who cou-”

She stands up and rips her hand away from be before I put the last bandage on. “Don’t feed me that line again. Tell me the truth, Angel.”

“Because I’m selfish. Because I didn’t wanna have to watch you die. I didn’t want to watch you get old. I didn’t wanna see you hate me for being young.”

“That’s not being selfish, Angel. That’s being stupid. If you were selfish, you’d wanna keep me no matter what.”

“Buffy…”

“And while we’re on the subject, Angel, why the hell did you give up your humanity for me?”

“You weren’t supposed to…”

“Remember? Yeah, well, I guess the Powers That Be decided to have a little fun. I started having these dreams, of us. They were so vivid. I knew they were real. I dreamt all these things, and then they were taken away. WHY? Why give up everything you wanted?”

“Because I didn’t deserve to be human! BECAUSE I DON’T DESERVE YOU!” I shout, following her into the living room. She’s pacing and crying. “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I AM AND HAVE EVER BEEN AND I DON’T DESERVE ONE DROP OF YOUR BLOOD! I’M NOT WORTH A SINGLE CELL FROM YOUR BODY! Because I see everything I’ve ever done to anyone anytime I close my eyes in the dark, and I don’t deserve you.”

“YOU’RE SO STUPID ANGEL! THIS WASN’T ABOUT YOU! THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU! DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE *I* DESERVE *YOU*? You’re so busy thinking about all the terrible things you’ve done and how you don’t deserve to be happy, but I’M THE ONE THAT SUFFERS ANGEL! NOT YOU! *I’M* THE ONE THAT PAYS! You walked away because you didn’t think you deserved me, but what about me? Do I deserve to be happy?”

“Yes. I want you to be happy.”

“That’s funny, Angel, because in twenty-five years, you’re the only person who ever made me happy.”

//I've still got your face painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul, etched upon my memory Baby

I've got your kiss still burning on my lips

The touch of my fingertips

Is love so deep inside of me, Baby//

 Before I can even understand what she just said, she’s so close to me I don’t know who I am, and her lips are pressed against mine. Her hands are wrapped around me, pulling me close to her, and I can’t do anything but kiss her back. When it comes to kissing Buffy, I can’t stop myself. It’d be like stopping a tsunami.

She tastes so good. Her mouth is so warm, and so soft and her clothes are wet, and before I know it, she’s got my shirt off and her hands are running up my rib cage. “Buffy…” I moan. But it doesn’t stop her.

I pull away. “Buffy, we can’t. Why torture ourselves?”

She’s panting when she looks back at me, lust in her eyes. And for the first time tonight, I see light in them. I can see the light and love that she once had in her eyes.

//I've still got your face

Painted on my heart

Painted on my heart

Painted on my heart//

She advances on me, and I step away, trying hard not to kiss her again.

“We can’t.”

“Yes we can.” She says.

“Buffy,” I start to protest.

“No. I deserve this.” She says. “They *owe* me this. They *owe* us.”

“Buffy, we can’t risk it.”

“NO!” She shouts. “NOW HEAR THIS!” She shouts at the ceiling. “YOU’RE GONNA LET ME AND ANGEL HAVE THIS NIGHT TOGETHER OR I’LL KILL MYSELF AND YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER SLAYER! YOU OWE US THIS MUCH! YOU OWE US ONE NIGHT ON MY BIRTHDAY!”

“Buffy, we can’t be sure.”

“Angel, I swear… they owe us. I know they can hear me. I know they’re listening. I know they know I mean it, because I do. I’m ready to go. I’ve been ready. They owe me. I don’t care if you don’t deserve it, *I* do.”

She advances on me again, and I really can’t find flaw in her logic, and I know it’s not gonna make a difference tonight. We both know the consequences. We both know what could happen. And yet when she takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom, I can’t seem to care.

I need this just as much as she does. She’s been haunting me too long. Her scent. Her eyes. Her blood. Her body. Her soul. I need this just as much as she does, if not more.

//Something in your eyes keeps haunting me

I'm trying to escape you

And I know there ain't no way to

To chase you from my mind//

I’m glad he’s not gonna protest anymore. I don’t care. Consequences be damned. If they can’t find it in their hearts or whatever to give us one night together, then he’ll lose his soul. I’ll let him eat anyone he wants. I’ll watch. Hell I might even help.

“Make love to me, Angel. I need you.” I whisper as I layback on the bed. I slide up onto it, and he follows, crawling over me.

//I've still got your face painted on my heart

Scrawled upon my soul, etched upon my memory Baby

I've got your kiss still burning on my lips

The touch of my fingertips

Is love so deep inside of me, Baby//

We lay there basking in the feeling of being together again, him drinking languidly from my neck, for some time. I don’t know how long. He tries to pull away, but I hold him.

“Buffy.” He starts to protest.

“NO. If it’s gonna happen, let him kill me. Let him drink me. Just let me feel you for as long as I can before I die.” I whisper.

“Buffy, I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but if I’m not here in the morning, or if… Know that I love you. I never stopped. Leaving you was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, getting bitten in the neck included. And I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”

“I know. I love you too, Angel.”

“Hang onto me.” He says and I do, as he rolls over, and pulls me with him. I’m sprawled across his body, his arms wrap around me, and start rubbing my back, petting my hair. “I’m sorry that it took me this long to tell you that. I’m sorry it took this long for me to understand it wasn’t about me.”

“It’s okay. Everything’s better now. You’re here where you belong.”

“You have to kill him, if I lose my soul, you have to kill him. Promise me you will.”

“I can’t kill you again.”

“It won’t be me. Promise me that you’ll kill him.”

“Let’s not talk about it, Angel. We’ll know soon enough, let’s not dwell on it. Just hold me and tell me how much you love me.” She whispers.

“I can do that.” I say, what else can I do? It’s not like I can turn the clock back and *not* eat the gypsy. So I hold her, and some time after we both whisper “I love you” once more, we both fall asleep.

Thunder crashes and I sit up quickly, gasping for air, screaming from the pain.

“ANGEL!” She screams. Our worst nightmare. “NOOOOOO!” She screams at the sky as I fight the pain within. “DON’T YOU EVEN DARE! YOU OWE ME THIS! YOU BASTARDS! YOU TAKE IT BACK! IF YOU TAKE HIM I’LL KILL EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN SUNNYDALE!”

I know her threats are useless. It won’t make a difference. I grab her arm. “Buffy!” I whisper. “I love you.” I make my last declaration to my lover.

“ANGEL!” I shriek.

//I've still got your face

I've still got your face

painted on my heart

painted on my heart

painted on my heart//

I open my eyes and look at her. “Buffy?” I whisper. I don’t feel evil. I feel… oh god… I FEEL!

“Angel!” She rushes to me and kisses me deeply. “I don’t believe it. Is it? Are you?”

“Yes. I’m human. Guess your threats worked after all.”

“Well, they know I mean business.” She says as she pulls me on top of her.

~El Fin~